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This episode is about living life as a man with the energy of a LOVER.

When we say “the lover” you may think we are talking about romantic and sexual love, but there a lot of different types of love. You love your homies differently than you love your woman.  You love your mom differently than you love your kids.  The ancient Greeks talked about agape, or non-erotic love, referenced in the Bible as “brotherly love.” They used the term eros to mean sexual love. The romans used amor which means the union of one body and soul to another body and soul. The Latin term libido doesn’t just refer to sexual energy, a general passion and appetite for life, or life energy.

Moore and Gillette say that the Lover energy includes vividness, aliveness, and passion. The Lover is driven to satisfy basic human hunger for sex, food, well-being, reproduction, creativity, and a sense of meaning in life.

This is about sensitivity to the external environment. This has to do with our five senses, sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. It notices colors and shapes, the feeling of different textures, the beauty of sound and the power of aroma. It is also about the internal environment: changes in sensations of incoming stimulus and the feelings those things produce INSIDE us.

We discuss the Lover in his fullness and share example of men living this way. We also discuss the bipolar shadows THE ADDICTED LOVER and THE IMPOTENT LOVER.

This is one of our most important topics and most well-done episodes ever.  Check this out. **ADULT CONVERSATION INTENDED FOR ADULTS. 

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Brad Singletary (00:00:00):
Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum show. Brad Singletary here, I’m the founder and host of the alpha quorum show. I’m joined by my three awesome guests. We’ve been doing a series together here. This is the fifth of six episodes where we’re talking about this awesome book, King warrior magician lover. Welcome back again to Clint Albright. Thanks sir, Jim, how you doing? And Jay, thanks for being here again. You guys glad to be back. So we’re talking about the lover. We’ve discussed the other three mature masculine archetypes, the King warrior and magician listened to those episodes. And by the way, give it a rating and review, and also give us some feedback on what you’ve learned from those episodes. I think this is the best little series that we’ve ever done. And I think this episode tonight is going to be the best show that we’ve ever done on the alpha quorum show.

Brad Singletary (00:01:29):
So when we say the lover, you may think that we’re talking about romantic and sexual love, but there’s a lot of different types of love. You. You love your homies differently than you love your woman. Love your mom in a different way than you love your kids. The ancient Greeks talked about a GAAP or non erotic love referenced in the Bible as brotherly love. They use the term arrows to mean sexual love. The Romans used a more, which means the union of one body and soul to another body and soul. The Latin term libido. Doesn’t just refer to sexual energy, but also a general passion and appetite for life or life, energy. So more in Gillette say that the lover energy includes vividness, a liveliness and passion. The lever is driven to satisfy basic human hunger or sex food. Well-Being reproduction creativity, and a sense of meaning in life. This is about sensitivity to the external environment. This has to do with our five senses, sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. It notices, colors and shapes the feeling of different textures. The beauty of sound and the power of aroma. It is also about the internal environment changes in sensations and incoming stimulus and the feelings that those things produce inside us. So welcome back guys. We’re going to get started tonight. The things we’re going discuss are

Brad Singletary (00:03:01):
What the lover archetype looks like expressing its fullness. We’ll talk about some examples of men who are living in this through, through this mature masculine energy of the lover. What it looks like when a man is operating from the addicted lover energy. That’s one of the bipolar shadows, also the impotent lover and how a man can fully access the lever energy within himself. So let’s begin with what is the lover archetype express in his fullness?

Jay (00:03:34):
I think when people first hear lover archetype, and they usually think of sex and sensuality, but you know, in reality, it relates to sensitivity to the physical world. It encompasses a lot more than that. You know, it kind of channels your inner child. Yeah. You’re vulnerable, vulnerable. You have tender feelings. You know how to relate to your emotions to your body, to other people, to the universe, as well as to a higher power. So that lover archetype is a lively person. And usually are in touch with their feelings and express their emotions freely. I think we all know e like that. I like one of the descriptions that talked about was that the lover archetype is concerned with both play and display. So play that’s kind of self-explanatory but display that’s kind of cool to me. That’s like, you know, you display yourself in a way you got like Jim, he got style. I don’t Clint has an awesome ride. I don’t, Jay’s got a boat, you know, this is like play and display. I thought that was a neat way to look at like the flavor of the lover archetype, you know, it’s, it’s, you’re not only sensitive to those things, but you, you show, you show out well, too, you look good, smell good. You have fun, you know, there’s energy in the display of things. Any thoughts on display? Yeah.

Jay (00:05:01):
I think it also goes to like, you kind of practice what you preach, that those people that possess that lover, archetype, like you can just look at them and you can tell what they embody a lot of those characteristics.

Brad Singletary (00:05:12):
Yeah. That makes sense.

Jim (00:05:16):
And like the language and like going to this display aspect is he’s a really able to talk very authentic about his own life experience or his own emotions and connect with other people in a very old thing Um they just don’t see all that often.

Jay (00:05:33):
I think for that person to it it’s natural. It just happens for them. It flows.

Brad Singletary (00:05:41):
So this is like youthful optimism, excitement. And in the book it talks about, this is one of the first of the mature masculine energies to develop. Think about your energy when you were 17 or 21. There’s some, I think there’s some lover energy, at least trying to show up. Maybe if you, if you have a healthy sense of self and confidence, otherwise this is where you are. When you get to be my age, maybe, maybe you got to kind of practice it and work on it a little bit here. You lost your swagger. Yeah. You know, you got to kind of find it back again or redefine it when you’re 45 years old. Yeah.

Jim (00:06:24):
Thought that too, like when you get older, you know, you seem to lose a little bit yeah. Passion. You don’t feel like you have a sense of purpose or worth and you know, your libido jobs and you just, you’re not that youthful, optimistic, you know, life loving person.

Clint Albright (00:06:42):
And I think there’s to be said that we also, you know, I would imagine as we get older and more established into our careers, we kind of forget to maybe have fun or we’re just workaholics or, you know, we’re, hyper-focused on one thing and ended up coming really burnt out on it. And we forget those small little connections that really make us thrive. Personally.

Jay (00:07:01):
I think that’s a, a Western Society mentality. I mean like Japan and China, the, you know, the work ethic is, is a lot different than what we have out here. I think maybe we in the West Culture maybe indulge a little bit more into our passions, but I think it goes into the later part where the, you know, the shadow side of the lover, where we kind of, you know, here living out in Vegas,

Jim (00:07:28):
I see a lot of people misusing their love, I guess you could say. So the lovers sees all things as connected and all people is connected. So there’s like a strong sense of empathy. He understands experiences outside of himself through his own internal experiencing of it stuff’s happening outside of him. But he’s really experiencing on the inside, whether it’s someone else’s feelings he’s trying to empathize with, that was cool. The part about being connected, like one big ocean it’s like they see you, they see into you. That’s such a deep connection in the pre-show Clint. You were talking about that the lover also there really has to be a love for himself in a way to talk about that a little bit.

Brad Singletary (00:08:15):
That was pretty profound.

Clint Albright (00:08:17):
So one thing I I’ve seen a lot in couples therapy is, you know, as time goes on in the relationship, sometimes we do forget it, our passion or our love in the relationship. And sometimes we end up kind of withdrawing in our own selves and we have a hard time communicating, maybe some of the internal things we’re going through to our partner. It makes us feel isolated and working in therapy and helping him access those deeper emotions and really helping him engage more with his partner. You see the switch that almost turns on and he’s like, Oh my God, I’m like this playful. I can let this playful side come out. When I understand my emotions, when I am able to regulate them a little bit more and really make sense of my own experience and how I can share that passion, my love, not just with my partner, but the people that I surround myself with.

Brad Singletary (00:09:07):
That’s so interesting. It seems like men seem to struggle as a generalization men seem to struggle even being aware of their emotions and for sure being able to like name them or kind of sort through those. And can’t express, it’s like we don’t have the vocabulary really to even talk about what it is I’m feeling. I mean, what’s the difference between being frustrated and off or afraid and lonely. There’s so many different little nuances. And as I agree with you, as men do learn to understand their deeper emotional States, they can love themselves and love others around them in a more healthy way.

Jim (00:09:46):
I think it allows them to have more of a, a spectrum of life experience and how they share their emotions. What I notice with men is it’s such a binary, emotional state. It’s either a happy or a man and they don’t know what that anger is. And we’re just continued continuously taught to just suppress it. Don’t show it, you know, hide it, don’t talk about it. And it really just does us a huge disservice about having a real life experience.

Brad Singletary (00:10:13):
Yeah. So he’s not just seeing things logically and rationally. We’re pretty good at that, but he’s also, you know, sensitive and tuned into the feelings and emotions he’s having. And even those of other people around them, whether that’s his dog, his children, his woman, coworkers, he’s feeling very much tuned into feeling.

Jay (00:10:34):
Yeah. And clean. I would agree, you know, growing up, you know, you’re a man, you know, you don’t talk about your feelings, you suppress them. And I, it seems like more and more in today’s society. You have parents that are teaching their kids here quite a bit is use your words. You know, they’re getting them to talk about those things. So I think as a society, they do a better job probably now than like I was growing up.

Jim (00:10:59):
It was a conversation I just had with my 16 year old son about that expressing your feelings. And we were talking about just that. And he was saying, you know, I can’t, he just has a tough time expressing what he’s feeling and what he’s thinking. And I’m like, I’m your dad at 46 and I still have a tough time with that ever lasting ongoing struggle to learn how to express that it’s not easy.

Clint (00:11:27):
You know, what I try to help teach men is, you know, how does it feel in the body? Does it feel like a weight? Is it a color? Is it a superhero? What is that emotion? Just trying to give it more light and more words for them to start identifying that, you know, anger’s okay. We can be angry, but what’s underneath that anger. Is it sadness? Is it grief? Is it whatever?

Brad Singletary (00:11:49):
Yeah, it’s interesting. So he’s not only focusing on the positive energies in life, but also pain. He understands pain too. He feels deeply his pain. So the lover often is kind of artistic in nature. He’s kind of an artist. And when he picture some of the famous artists out there, there there’s some dark darkness in their personality and that may look like it’s unhealthy, but I think it’s very healthy to be, to be able to be tuned into like you’re mentioning some negative emotions. So not just that you’re happy and feeling life and feeling all this enthusiasm, but also you can feel and experience and tolerate negative.

Jim (00:12:33):
That negativity can be, or just understanding what that negativity is and dealing, holding that pain for a second and feeling that I think ultimately gives you the adversity to go through it and really name it and talk to it and let it be, let it have its own space for a moment so that you can recognize it and then move on.

Jay (00:12:55):
Then, you know, the big difference when we look at all four of the archetypes, you know, the lover energy is really kind of the opposite of the King and the warrior and the magician, as those are really interested in, you know, boundaries and ordering containment. Whereas this lover archetype is more concerned with just living fully. They don’t have, they’re not bounded by any of those boundaries are able to just live a carefree lifestyle. Yeah. Yeah. They really, they they’re able to dig into their five senses and they don’t just experience something from one aspect they’re able to kind of encompass it, you know, encompass it all.

Brad Singletary (00:13:31):
It’s interesting that some of the, we we’ve talked about the way these merge though at times, so yes. Different than the magician and so forth. But so like in the last episode we talked about the magician was a knower of knowledge and he’s just tuned in and intuitive in this case the lover is, is that because he can read people, he notices like subtle differences. If we talk about sexually, for example, he can, he can tell when the woman is ready to be sexual. Now he knows when the child is sad. He knows when the boss is frustrated. So he’s tuned in to the unspoken things. And I think that would showed up in some of the other archetypes too, that there’s a sensitivity. In the pre-show we were talking about how most often men are either coming out of the addicted lover archetype, which we’ll describe more detail later or the impotent lover. So they’re kind of disconnected from their lover energy. And the authors talk about, you know, in many of the world’s religions, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, that there, there was all kind of a negative. You have the lover there’s this persecution of the lover made him feel like his desires were evil. You know, this was something your carnal sensual Devilfish kind of side needs to be kind of subdued. But this guy, there’s a clearly a spirituality when you’re operating in lover energy. And maybe that’s, as we talked about in the past that he loves nature. He almost worships like the natural but the natural world was kind of demonized by religions and people were kind of taught to tune that out. We’re going to talk about some romantic and sexual things later. But as I was reading,

Brad Singletary (00:15:19):
Yes, I remembered this. There’s a, in the old Testament, there’s the book, the song of Solomon. Aybody know, anybody ever read that stuff? It’s like, Oh, you’re, rosy red cheeks. And you’re, you’re from, you know, breasts. And so the song of Solomonit’s kind of love poems. It’s really kind of interesting. And some people have kind of said, wow, that’s not actually, you know, that’s not sensuality. What, what, you know, what, what God meant. And that part of the Bible was that this was, you knowthis is how people should, you know, love the church and that kind of thing. This was just an allegory of like, Christ’s love for the church. And certainly it’s not about this point, literally almost pornographic descriptions in this it’s like 50 shades up in there in the Bible. You should check it out sometime the song of Solomon. But so Christianity kind of maintained this hostility toward the lover.

Brad Singletary (00:16:18):
That’s the Adam and Eve story kind of paints her as like this, you know, seductress and that archetype has kind of been maintained in some spiritual teaching and that kind of slanders the womenand also paints as this like distraction to men who should be seeking their Holy or side instead and maybe there is some truth to that. But what I’m getting at here is that there’s some shame in some of the religious teaching and what the, all these authors talk about is you not only need to have the lover energy in order to really fully experience the spirituality, but they, maybe they kind of go hand in hand. If you don’t think that a, an awesome sexual experience can also be spiritual. I think you’re maybe doing it wrong, or you’ve been unfulfilled in that way. It’s quite a, quite a thing to experience that energy with another person.

Brad Singletary (00:17:13):
We talked about the artists, there are two of types of lives that seem to embody the lover energy. And first is artists. That was the first mention: painters, poets, sculptors, musicians, and writers. Sometimes their lives are stormy though, and they’re maybe, you know, they’re abusing substances and they can write a hell of a novel. But they’re kind of troubled kind of troubled on the inside or they’re they kind of got this dark, emotional life. But those folks are definitely tuned into the lower energy. And the second is the psychic was interesting about the psychic, who Carl Jung said that those were folks who were really called to the collective unconscious. And they’re able to like receive strong feelings, sometimes even having audible words and the feeling of heat and cold. There is a sensitivity to the invisible, there’s this understanding of the energy, that undercurrent of energy that binds the past present and future together. They see like life is really existing as one, great present all happening at once. So that the idea of the psychic or the medium, another thing that was kind of shamed by a lot of religions, like an investor, think about an investor who they’ve got a hunch about a good move that they might make, the authors say that that guy is, is accessing the lover. He feels some kind of you know, some energy that provides some intuition or premonition. He can like, see what’s about to happen.

Jim (00:18:48):
Even a boss that feels takes time to really understand his workers and what their needs are and taking the time to make his crew has what they need.

Brad Singletary (00:18:59):
Yeah. Jim was talking about last time with the magician. He’s not only a knower of knowledge about the electrical work in the construction trade, but of people. And he talked about the guy who was wasn’t performing well in the question to the foreman is, Hey, well, what’s going on in that guy’s life. Why don’t you ask him how he’s doing? I love that about the sensitivity.

Clint (00:19:20):
What I want to say though about the love archetype is I liked the fact that don’t have shame, they don’t have shame about their body. They don’t have shame about their feelings. They just, once again, that carefree lifestyle,

Jim (00:19:33):
This in tune sense of awareness of how other people respond to their actions and vice versa. And I think from their perspective, life doesn’t happen to you. It happens for you.

Brad Singletary (00:19:46):
I love that when you’re talking about, they don’t have shame. I often talk to guys about like Jack Black, you know, you’ve seen him in, what was it? School of Rock, I think. And he’s like, was that the one? Anyway, some of his movies, you know, he’s danced around in like a leopard print thong or whatever. And he’s just got this fat belly. If you watch a woman who watches that she’s not attracted to like his gut, she’s just attracted to that energy because it’s kind of carefree, it’s fun. And it’s really living in the present. And I talked to guys a lot of times about you got to get into your energetic black, the present. So anything creative, any creative process is accessing the lover energy. You’re a software developer, a farmer working in construction. So much of that has to do with how things feel. You know, you’re designing a building, choosing the color of the carpet and the new home that you’re built putting together. That’s lover energy. Cause you’re tuned into the census.

Jim (00:20:43):
You see that a lot like with architects, it’s, they’re not just putting lines on a piece of paper and drawing a building. They really get into that, you know, their inner feelings and immerse themselves in that completely.

Brad Singletary (00:20:56):
Yeah. The flow, the lines, the contrasting textures are so much, so much like depth in what goes into those, how they create things there. So when it comes to reading his partner, how does the lover do it? How does the mature lover tune in to the other person that they’re trying to be loving with? And maybe in particular, in a romantic or sexual way?

Clint (00:21:22):
I think body language is something pretty, fairly universal that we can pick up on. But also the language of our partner, are we really listening to what’s being set? Are we articulating how to fix it or really hearing their emotions and how, and reflect our own selves, how to understand their emotional experience and try to connect with it.

Jay (00:21:45):
I think it’s being aware and immersed in the whole relationship that sometimes we were self-centered or we’re not in tune to what they’re feeling and what they’re saying, like, and then we want to satisfy our own needs and we get rejected and then we get upset and we don’t know what’s going on, but if we really read their body language, we’re in tune with them where we understand the environment that we’re in. If we’ve just been in a fight, most women probably don’t want to be sexual, you know? So you got to understand kind of the environment that you’re in at the time.

Jim (00:22:17):
I think there’s just like a, just a genuine curiosity to understand your partner and just take a moment to be there for them. Yeah. Just here.

Brad Singletary (00:22:23):
So not trying to say that I’m the greatest lover, but I did start college as an art major. And one of the once I realized, you know, like couldn’t take that where I wanted to change, but one of the things the professors would talk about in our projects was, you know, all you have to do is be able to see if you can just see, if you can just see whether it’s something in your mind that you’re creating out of nowhere, or you’re doing a, you know, you’re doing a landscape or whatever it may be. If you can just really look at it and see what it is, that’s what makes you a good artist that you can see. So this guy can read the temperature. He’s talking about his partner. You know, he knows when it’s time to throw her on the bed or when to make this a long, slow, long, and slow a situation, or when he’s should be bringing roses home and expecting nothing. You know, he knows when to dance and when to talk dirty, that openness and like, perception, the ability to perceive is very important. I think in the, in the lover,

Jay (00:23:29):
I think it’s also important that, you know, when you’re loving life yourself and you’re living to the fullest, that kind of permeates out to the people that you have influence over. If it’s your, your wife or your girlfriend or your kids, that when you’re living that life, they’re going to of come along and then they’re going to live it also. And it makes things a lot smooth

Brad Singletary (00:23:51):
The guy really has to be tuned into the whole relationship. So not just now, not just wondering if she’s in the mood now, but where is she lately in general? I worked with a guy who’s ended up getting divorced twice, but he, and his first relationship, he told me he had changed all the light bulbs and he thought, well, okay, good. I did this thing now. So maybe we can have some sexy time, you know, and what I knew about the wife cause I’ve met with her as well, was that she had been talking to attorneys about divorce. She was nowhere close at wanting to connect to them that way. And he’s thinking, okay, well, I’m good now. I did, I did a good deed here, a little 12 minute job in the house changed the light bulbs. And so surely she’ll be ready to go. And that blindness kind of still continues with that guy. How does a man read his partner?

Jay (00:24:41):
Eye contact. Okay. Times just, you know, making that connection with the eyes can say a lot, you know, it goes right there with body language too.

Brad Singletary (00:24:51):
Yeah and if we’re paying attention, I just think they will give you all kinds of indications about where they’re at. They may not say whether or not today tonight’s the night, but if you’re tuned in you’ll, you’ll see that stuff. You’ll hear them. You’ll know where they’re at. I remember one time, I mean, in a particularly selfish place, I was thinking, thinking I was going to get lucky one night and then I realized that it was my wife’s. It was, it was the anniversary of a, of a death of someone very close to her. And that she had been thinking about that all day. And I’m just trying to get, I’m just trying to get naked, you know? And I, and I’ve just felt like that was such a failure on my part. This was a few years ago. I’m much, much better with all that now, of course. Any other thoughts on when it comes to reading as partner? How does the mature lover do it?

Clint (00:25:44):
Yeah, he takes the time to be present. Just takes the time to hear, to listen, just being in the moment and being present. I think sometimes it’s like we said, knowing what the, the atmosphere is and taking that leap of faith, sometimes think we lay there in bed and we’re like, I wish you’d have sex with me, but you don’t take the first move either. Maybe she’s thinking the same thing.

Brad Singletary (00:26:09):
Yeah. Sometimes we’re misreading them thinking that they want to and they don’t, but what’s, what’s super disappointing is to know that she’s down. When I, when I hear about these kinds of failures, these sort of horror stories for men she’s down and she’s ready to get, I don’t know. She might want to get roughed up. I don’t know what she’s into, but and he’s just kind of thinking that would be disrespectful. I actually worked with a couple recently, fairly young couple. They had both kind of saved themselves for marriage and she was wanting to play. We talked about this, the energy of like play and display. She wanted to like have sex in the car, do some wild things in their sexual play. And he said, Oh no, that would be, that would be so disgraceful, such a disrespect for you. And you know, she wanted to like experiment and try some things that weren’t all, I mean, it’s still pretty vanilla from what I understand about sexuality and even that, you know, oral sex, for example, he just thought, well, no, no, It wouldn’t be okay. And I just, that to me is a tragedy.

Clint (00:27:15):
It sounds like there’s like a lot of shame with that too. Yeah.

Brad Singletary (00:27:18):
Yeah. And, and I think in some cases that comes from cultures that comes from religious backgrounds that comes from the training of parents, if they’re kind of rigid about their sexuality or there was trauma, there’s a lot of reasons why you’re, you’re exactly right. That’s a shame based response.

Jay (00:27:34):
Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I hadn’t experienced that with a female that was, came from a very religious family. And we talked about how, you know, the religion looked down on the lover and she was brought up that, you know, sex was only for having babies. And so it was a very, in my mind was kind of an immature sexual relationship because she was so that was just drilled into her for so long. And, and it, it created problems in the relationship,

Jim (00:28:04):
The couple sitting there waiting to make the first move, you know, each thinking whether they should initiate it or the other person should initiate. It kind of reminds me of the warrior. Like you just kind of gotta go with the flow. You know, you gotta be in the moment, you got to stop over thinking it, you got to stop having all this noise in your mind, going on. It almost puts up a roadblock. And it just stops that lover energy from flowing. Now you’re overthinking things.

Clint (00:28:29):
You’re complicating it when it comes to sex and intimacy in general, like it’s playtime, that’s when you can go and be vulnerable or, and very authentic with your partner and just have fun. You know, that’s sex is one of the most connecting things we can do with another human. And it should be fun. We should have these conversations in our relationships to either spice things up or try something new. And, you know, I see it a lot too, like how you’re saying in my own therapy, a lot of men withdrawn themselves and they’re like, Oh no, what is, what has she found out my kink or like that I like. And like, have you asked? And the worst thing is she says, no, but then you can kind of reframe like, all right, well, let’s try a little something smaller and maybe work our way up to it. If it’s something we’d like, and let’s communicate together more, let me see what works for you and what works for me and find that balance.

Jay (00:29:21):
I think that’s why like 50 Shades of Gray was so popular is that people’s like, especially with women, their, their inner feelings and even men, their inner feelings of kind of how they wanted to explore it used to be oppressed. And then you have a movie that is mainstream popular and kind of brought it to the forefront. And I think a lot of people finally realized, Hey, this is okay and they started verbalizing it and being able to, you know, say what they wanted in the, in the relationship.

Brad Singletary (00:29:49):
I don’t know much about that whole, that whole kink side of things. I’ve heard a lot of people who are much more educated about it, say that’s not necessarily the best example, but yeah, I think it did open the doors for some people. I’ve talked to some couples recently who are like literally saving their relationship with having introduced some kink stuff into their like BDSM, whatever into their, into their intimate life, because it includes stuff about communication, you know, trust and aftercare, you know? So yeah. I’ll tie you up and kind of, you know, it’s pretty powerful though. Like, I can, I can inflict some pain in a way, but then afterwards there’s this it’s, it’s very, can be caring and loving. And if people are willing to explore and willing to communicate, you never know where you end up. And I think it should be something that’s done. Of course, with respect and mutual consent is that consent is the big deal with that. Even when, even when the one guy’s like, you know, punishing her with some kind of leather like strap or whatever, it’s, can I do this to you? And that’s just wild to me. That’s just like, it’s crazy, but it seems effective because it’s communication. It’s like, Hey, are we doing this? Are we in this? Are we in this moment together? And this is what I’m thinking, what you’re thinking did they match?

Clint Albright (00:31:11):
I took a class at UNL, even though my undergrad was sexualities class. And we had BDSM panel come in, people from that community to really explain to the masses what it’s really like. And like what you’re alluding to is the level of communication that I saw from those individuals was higher than most of the couples I ever see. Like you were saying, like, you have to communicate am I doing it right? Is it, are you feeling too much pain? Do I need to take a step back and just be having that open dialogue and realizing that sex and intimacy is just play time and take the time to listen to your partner and go back and forth and, you know, set some rules or whatnot, but you can through, and to me, it’s intimacy and sex. We can really expand our emotional connection with our partner.

Brad Singletary (00:31:58):
So true. It’s another horror story that I talked about, the, the young couple and the guy didn’t want to be playful, but another man that I knew of he is helping his future ex-wife packer things up and she’s leaving the family home. The guy asked like, Hey, so why did we not have much sex all this time? And she said, because you’re no good at it. And he was shocked because they were married 15 or 20 years, whatever. He had no idea that what he was doing was no good for her. And he probably was frustrated all along. She was too, because they didn’t communicate. So we’re not necessarily promoting BDSM or anything like, but just whatever you’re into, this is about feeling.

Brad Singletary (00:32:40):
It’s about sensitivity. Sometimes it’s maybe loud and crazy and, you know, unconventional and whatever you do, we’re really just talking about connecting in a very like live, present, live fully in the moment kind of way. So what are some examples of men who are living this, a living in this lover energy, whether you know, real or fictional or whatever else, I guess I have one that I, I don’t want you guys to laugh at me for, but it’s funny because without my family, even knowing we’re going to talk about this somebody said yesterday, we had some friends over for dinner and they were talking about how, you know, every, this guy kind of looked a little bit like Leonardo DiCaprio. We were talking about this was Jack Dawson from Titanic. And I asked the guy, was he too young to remember that move?

Brad Singletary (00:33:40):
And he says, Oh no, everybody knows that movie. Especially women, women, all, all women have they go through a Titanic phase, you know, or whatever. So, but Jack Dawson from Titanic, he’s a guy who went with the flow. I love the scene where he’s at the fancy dinner, you know, and with the first class passengers and Ruth, I think that was the mother of the, the busty girl forgot her name Rose. She says, and where do you live? By the way, I don’t have this memorized. I looked it up on a, some kind of a movie transcript site. But anyway, she says, where do you live Mr. Dawson? And he says, well, right now, my address is the RMS Titanic. After that I’m on God’s good humor. She says, well, how is it that you have means to travel? He said, I worked my way from place to place, you know, tramp, steamers, and such.

Brad Singletary (00:34:30):
He won his ticket. He set up, but I won my ticket on the Titanic here in a lucky hand of poker, very lucky hand. She says, you find that sort of rootless existence appealing to you. And Jack says, well, yes, ma’am I do. I mean, I’ve got everything I need right here with me. I’ve got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up and not knowing what’s going to happen, who I’m going to meet, where I’m going to wind up. He said, just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge. And now here I am on the grandest ship in the world, having champagne with you fine people. He says, I figured life’s a gift. And I don’t intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you’re going to get dealt next. And you learn to take life as it comes at you. And then he sees Cal, you know, he was the fiancé of a Rose and he sees him getting ready to light up a cigarette. And he throws him, his lighter. You know, just this smooth move guy. He says, here you go, Cal. He he’s an artist. You know, he’s, she’s, she’s drawn to him through, through some of that. And even wants him to remember draw pictures of her. He didn’t ask for anything. He just kinda went with the vibe. He wasn’t chasing her. He wasn’t pursuing her. He was just being a cool cat. And she found that so attractive and he just kinda knew the vibe with it.

Jay (00:35:51):
As we talked about this, I kind of identify with it a lot of times. You know, when I go on vacation, it seems like I, you know, if I’m with my kids or something, and sometimes they want to get from point A to point B. And a lot of times I’m more of kind of the, you know, stop and smell the roses. And just recently I took my daughter to Florida for spring break and we’re in the elevator and we get off and she’s laughing at me and I didn’t know why, but she was like, you were humming. And I was just so immersed in the moment I was happy.

Brad Singletary (00:36:23):
You’re humming in the elevator music and…

Jay (00:36:26):
There was other people on there too. So it was kind of funny, but I didn’t even realize it. I just, I was so immersed in what was going on and just having a good time at that the beach, beautiful weather with my family. And I was just happy. And it kinda does feel like I was embodying a lot of what we’ve talked about with the lover.

Brad Singletary (00:36:44):
Everything is art, you know, when you’re living in that lower energy, everything is beautiful. Everything’s amazing. You know, I’m not a very good photographer. I don’t have any cool things, but I like how things look, I mean, I designed my own office. I designed my own website. I want to what I want to get in a certain mood. I’ve got a whole playlist of things I want to do. Yes. Living in the moment and just experiencing that that’s lover energy all the way. How about you guys? Examples of,

Jim (00:37:12):
And for me being in that, that moment is whenever I go hiking or just out in the woods, like I’ll, I will sit on top of a mountain, just enjoy that view for an hour while my friends are like already done and they’re ready to go back down. Like no I really need this moment for myself. And then I notice when I come back into kind of the reality of things, I’m much more in tune with myself. I feel just this huge, positive energy, just kind of radiating from me that I’ve kind of connected with my own self-love and seeing the world for what it is.

Jim (00:37:47):
That is the best, that, that example of just being out and about, and being one with nature and appreciating the sunrises and the animals and rocks and trees, it doesn’t matter. I had the same experience last weekend, riding 10 miles of hard mountain biking. And when I got done there, I was with, it was just like, you’re in a great mood. I just feel like a kid in the candy store right now. You know, the greatest thing happened. The terrain was amazing. The temperature was wonderful and you know, the winds were light and just puts you in a great mental place.

Brad Singletary (00:38:24):
You guys are lovers all the way here, man. That’s one of the buzz words and kind of the mental health world right now is about mindfulness. And some of that has to do with really tuning into, well, your five senses. You know what, today I was at the park with my kids and I’m like laying on the grass under a tree. The grass is perfectly green and perfect. And it was just a temperature. It was a little bit of dampness, I guess, to the grass, but I’m laying on a towel that they’re going to dry off with later because they’re running under the little water spout, things that come up out of the park. And,uyeah, it’s experiencing and really just noticing what’s around you. How did the shadows fall on the ground? You know, where, what, what is the angle of the sun in the sky? What is the smell of that mountain air and that plant, when you’re talking about hiking, what is the, what is the,

Clint (00:39:18):
You know, the thing about it too, is like, I didn’t have to be out about riding in some beautiful place. Saturday morning, I woke up five o’clock in the morning I had to get out in the sunrise was on fire, you know, right outside my door, beauty everywhere. Edit, take a moment. This week, past couple of weeks been pretty rough for me. And I’ve been after going through and reading through this book and looking at how all these energies show up in my own life. I was like, man, I’m really missing that, that nature side. So I just went out and sat in my backyard in Miami and read a book for like three hours. And I was just like, man, I really needed that last little pick me up. That’s something I think about too, when I’m out and about doing those things is just how grateful I am to be part of this.

Jim (00:40:06):
That, you know, things could always be so much worse. But there’s air in my lungs and I’m just grateful and fortunate to be where I’m at. It’s a good feeling as we talk about people who embody this. And as I was reading about the lover, someone who came to mind was Bob Ross, the famous painter. Oh yes. You know, it’s, it’s, you know, he’s kind of become iconic, but like you watched him as he painted, he wasn’t just putting ink to a piece of paper and drawing a picture. I mean, he embodied everything. You almost like, you know, you could just tell, like he could sense the smell of the pine trees and the flow of the water and the sun. It was just it was on PBS, but it was an amazing show to watch. He’s telling us stories. He’s telling a story as he paints. Yeah, he is. He’s getting all the senses involved.

Brad Singletary (00:41:02):
It seems like he would even talk about like, like he’s the creator, you know, it’s almost like he’s God creating the universe or something like, and I think I’ll just have a nice little tree over here and it’s just his voice and the dynamic in the way he spoke. It’s funny because I was telling you, I was an art major when I got one of his books. I think I was a senior in high school and I got one of his books and I would play some of the videos. And I did a couple of his piece. I did some of his things, you know, I learned some of his techniques. Super cool. Yeah. Bob Ross. Yes, totally.

Jay (00:41:34):
So what you’re saying is you’re going to paint us a picture. Now expect that next week

Jim (00:41:42):
Hollywood, you have you know, Mike Myers, you know, someone who’s always trying to bring people together and promote love and happiness. And even there,

Jay (00:41:55):
You know, and other things we talk about with people that are in that lover, archetype is I’m, I’m kind of jealous of the younger generation. It seems like they do a much better job of going out, looking for those exciting experiences before they actually settled down. It seems like, you know, when I was growing up, you went to college, you got a job, you had your family. It just seems like that that generation now is more connected to all of their senses and finding what drives them. And they’re, they’re pursuing those things before maybe settling into Uh, anything else or using their words.

Brad Singletary (00:42:26):
Yeah. I mean, think about like, for example, tattooing, you know, I kind of grew up in a culture that says, you know, you don’t tell your body’s a temple, you don’t tattoo yourself and things like that, but there’s some cool stuff that people are doing, things like that. They’re just kind of living a little more, it’s remember the energy of play and display. And I, that’s something that I’ve kind of liked as an artist, like seeing what people do with tattoos and their hairstyles and just there’s some, the younger generation you’re right. There’s some colorful folks, you know, it’s really kind of cool.

Jay (00:43:00):
I mean, you, you just, it seems like maybe they did it when I was growing up and I wasn’t aware of it, but it just seems like more people are taking a year to go travel or, or taking time off. And they’ll just, you know, get a part-time job and move from one place to the other. And they just have these experiences and just live life to the fullest, you know? And they, they can’t anymore.

Brad Singletary (00:43:19):
By the way, I wasn’t necessarily promoting tattoos up. My son’s probably listen to this and they’ve told me it comes out. So that’d be a cool tattoo. And I said, no, get to put that on a t-shirt, we’ll make you a bumper sticker with that. Okay.

Clint (00:43:31):
Now you’re just telling me to get the Nike swish one that I have on my, just do it.

Jay (00:43:36):
With these younger generation, you know, that they want to go out and they seek these experiences of it is a fine line between that lover and then that bipolar shadow of the addicted lover.

Brad Singletary (00:43:49):
This is a good point maybe to kind of shift to that. So the, the addicted lover is the active over-achieving shadow of the lover. So he feels that passion just like the lover does. He feels all that stuff. He’s got sensitivity, but he’s consumed by it. If the lover energy creates life, the shadow energy of the addicted lover is destructive. It’s going to destroy him. So he has passions and you can experience pleasure, chasing pleasure, but he’s, doesn’t give life. It actually steals his life. And as a person in recovery myself, I can say that, you know, there’s, there are some really cool things that really feel really good, but you’re overly consumed by sensation and it can really destroy you. That’s what the addicted lover does, whether it’s substances or experiences or women, or whatever.

Jay (00:44:42):
Yeah, I, you almost kind of think of it as the restless and they’re always searching for that thing that makes them feel alive. The man that always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, you know, they’re jumping from one woman to the next one project to the next, you know, they never finished one before they start the next one. It’s almost kind of like a drug that they’re always looking for, that, you know, that next hit, that’s going to give them that, that same pleasure that they had before.

Jim (00:45:08):
Cause I think this individual asks himself, like, why should I put limits on myself? I love the present moment and will indulge intensely into what, what I want with others, regardless of anybody’s else’s boundaries. And he’s also stuck on this, in his own spider web, and instead of untangling himself and reaching towards safety and help, he flusters and ruminates in his own struggle.

Brad Singletary (00:45:31):
Yeah he’s super enmeshed in all of this stuff, you know? And he feels it and enjoys it, but it becomes like maybe he’s an overeater spends too much money. Yeah. I don’t know a pretty boy. He’s overly, overly passionate by what looks good. You know, we talked to her about there’s some style. This is about playing display. You got style, you got some swagger, you got some cool gear, but this guy is just maybe overly you’ve put too much importance on some of that stuff.

Jay (00:46:03):
Or yeah, really only are almost like he’s obsessed or focused on just that one thing that brings him that joy, but ends up ruining everything else in his life. You know, the guy that, that has a hobby, but is so focused and obsessed with that, that he spends all his money on that and he doesn’t have any money to pay rent.

Clint (00:46:24):
So, so the lover archetype, you know, when you get to the addicted one, they, they obviously have no structure. They have no discipline. So, you know, when we talk about the lover, archetype being carefree, they have some discipline and some structure, right? You have a, they have a zest and a love for life, but they know when to say when right it’s addicted just has no structure, no discipline. Can’t say no.

Brad Singletary (00:46:52):
That’s right. He need some of that distance. He needs some detachment in a way, cause he’s continually pursuing. And from the attachment theory stuff, you know, the, the, the, the one who’s pursuing guess who’s on the other end of that. Someone withdrawing and creating distance. And so he’s just endlessly chasing, never really being fulfilled. It said that it, man, I’ve been that guy. I’ve been that guy. And it is just, there’s nothing lonely or there’s nothing more painful than just trying to feel good and never really reaching that.

Jim (00:47:25):
Yeah. That, that this addicted lovers just not grateful, not content, not satisfied, just never good enough. Never will be.

Brad Singletary (00:47:36):
There’s a cool phrase in the book where it talks about he gets caught up, he’s enslaved by the intoxicating dance of sensual things. He alternates between pleasure and pain. So his pleasure actually produces pain. You ever, you ever done that? You ever had a little too much pleasure and he was a little bit painful after whether it’s a sunburn or whether it’s a hangover or whether it’s like riding your bike, riding your bike, you know, you’re sore and you can’t walk the next day or you blew all your money at the casino. I mean, that’s the, the person who’s acting out of this, like immature shadow of the pleasure is producing pain for himself.

Jay (00:48:20):
And will they? Yeah. Their, their lack of control means they’re losing a grip on the reality and morality, and they’re more willing to, you know, justify almost really any behavior in their own mind, just as part of pursuit of that next great experience.

Brad Singletary (00:48:36):
Yeah. This is so common. I mean, men are just, I think overall, I think men are way too caught up in seeking pleasure. Can’t settle down Don Juan syndrome, you know, the womanizer he’s pushed and pulled around by this illusion that the fulfillment is out there in some like feminine form. And he’s just fragmented trying to get that. I had also mentioned like James Bond, Indiana Jones, they love them and leave them kind of guys. They had plenty of experiences. They were never able to like settle into something happy.

Jay (00:49:13):
Is that really? Cause like when you get into a true relationship, I mean, you have the newness from the beginning, that wonderful feeling of getting into a new relationship, but then that is kind of wears out and you actually have to put in some more work. And it’s when they have to put in that work, that they don’t have that same feeling anymore. You want to regenerate it so they just move on.

Brad Singletary (00:49:34):
Yeah. So part of the buzz is the novelty. You know what I mean? Think of the first time you saw your woman naked or the first time he kissed her or whatever. And when the newness wears off of that, you’ve got to have some more interesting experiences. You’re going to a new restaurant this weekend. You’re going to try some new vacation spots or whatever. There’s gotta be some freshness to it. And I think that’s what the lover artist is good at, but the addicted lover he’s just given up too soon and he thinks that this is no good anymore. It just doesn’t feel the same, you know, three years in just doesn’t feel the same. The spark is gone. You know, I don’t feel the same about you. And one of my professors in my graduate program talked about, she was doing research on the fact that the passionate kind of buzzing butterfly sort of love that last about three years and it fades, but you can keep it alive.

Brad Singletary (00:50:31):
I believe that you can keep that alive with novelty, rituals, rituals, the communication, just continuing to recreate it, make it new again, you know, this guy is looking for connection to all beautiful things. He, he wants to experience life in this sensual way. But he’s opposed to boundaries. And so, but what he needs is distance and detachment. Interesting that we’re talking about lover energy, but one healthy part of that is some distance in detachment. That means some days you can be okay without it. All right. So the underachieving shadow of the lover is the impotent lover. Oh, that word impotent lover impotence. What does this person act like?

Jim (00:51:27):
And a lot of times they act depressed, like nothing ever brings them any joy anymore disconnected or really kind of feel disconnected from others most as passion.

Brad Singletary (00:51:39):
Yeah. He just lacks enthusiasm. He’s bored and probably boring. I just talked to a couple last week and the wife is really kind of just kind of feeling bored. She said that his idea of a good time was playing Scrabble on his phone. And I’m just shaking my head going, man, this is, this is how bad things happen. And so either he needs to come alive, turn his brain on, as she would say, or let her go and experience life in a way that she deserves. You know, maybe outside of, you know, maybe they, maybe they realize that they’re, they’re not, they’re not a match. What I would like. I hope he listens to this show. I’m going to send it to him as soon as we post it. It’s a man. This is kind of impotent lover. You’re lacking lively energy remembered libido isn’t just about sex. It’s about life energy.

Jay (00:52:34):
Yeah. They just have no zest for life. You know, they’re bored, depressed enthusiastic about anything, just lost passion and. It’s kind of numbed out. Yeah. It’s, it’s sad. Really. It’s unfortunate.

Clint (00:52:53):
And depression is one of those really hard things to, to get out. You know, I know like since we had to have a hard time really engaging with our own emotions, you know, this depression can last a long time and they’ve forgotten that awareness. They forgot their, their own emotions and how to connect with others. And I think that’s the antecedent for that change.

Brad Singletary (00:53:16):
Where did the energy go? Does this, has he lost the energy? Has he never developed it? If he doesn’t have any zest for life? Is this a decline of some kind or is this he never had it? He never allowed that to be born in himself. Maybe he wasn’t seen by the King. Oh, wasn’t seen by the King.

Jay (00:53:34):
Wasn’t taught out just, wasn’t taught to see the love for life.

Brad Singletary (00:53:41):
I went to a great seminar one time with a company that I worked for and it was based on the book. I think it was called the Oz principle, but it was about accountability and they have this great model where they said your beliefs are shaped by your experiences. So when you think about things that really need to be happening in, in boyhood, if the kid never been out in the never been out in the wild and he’s never experienced, you know, anything colorful or playful in his life, he’d never been on a vacation, never traveled, never experienced something. New, never took a risk. That’s probably going to show up in his life as a lover or as the impotent lover.

Jay (00:54:23):
I grew up without a tribe. You know, we talked about that earlier in some episodes that, you know, you have to have a tribe of people around you and if you’ve isolated yourself and you’re that kind of person that sticks to themselves and you haven’t had those conversations or been around other people, you’re going to be that type of person that isn’t going to develop as the lover.

Clint (00:54:45):
No, it was kind of curious with your statement earlier with like the difference in the generational stuff. You know, I would imagine in the older generation having to work and just go to college and not have these experiences, you know, I do see a lot of, you know, especially older men, kind of this kind of state. Would you kind of agree to that or?

Brad Singletary (00:55:03):
Well, I don’t know if it’s generational or if it’s just age related. I mean, I see all the billboards and the radio ads about like testosterone and stuff. We just kind of lose it. We’re getting tired. We’re not conditioning. Our body testosterone is declining. All these things may be going on. You’re hit 40, 45 years old. And if you’re not, it’s like use it or lose it. So like your muscles, if you’re not using your muscle, they just atrophy. And if you’re not using like active fun energy, haven’t had anything to laugh about. Haven’t pursued any pleasure, like at all, you’re going to lose touch with that side of you.

Jay (00:55:41):
When you were asking earlier, that’s kind of what I was thinking is like, if you don’t, if you don’t maintain your relationship and you don’t do the work, you’re not in tune to what’s going on. It seems like it goes down that at rabbit hole and down that slippery slope that you do lose interest and you don’t have any zest in for life. You’re not having those experiences anymore. And you find yourself, like you said, you’re more interested in looking at Facebook on your phone, on the couch, then, then ravaging your wife in the bedroom.

Jim (00:56:10):
When you you talking about in-tune with your relationship, but it’s in tune with life too. Yeah. And everything around you.

Jay (00:56:16):
Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Brad Singletary (00:56:19):
Is this maybe sometimes coming out of fear. So, you know, he’s, he’s got an attractive partner, you know, she’s interested, but he just kind of withdraws. Is that coming out of fear sometimes?

Clint (00:56:32):
Isn’t that what drives a lot of this is fear?

Brad Singletary (00:56:35):
I would say so this is worried, you know, there’s frustration. He he’s afraid of being hurt, afraid. He doesn’t, he’s gonna make a mistake, just kind of regressed to like a pre sexual boy.

Clint (00:56:52):
He’s in his mind too much. He’s doubting himself. He’s lacking the confidence. You know, he’s not just being, he’s not being carefree to just be in the moment and enjoy it. You know, too much noise is going on in that head again.

Jay (00:57:06):
And I definitely think he he’s that type of person that doesn’t have that confidence. He might have a crush on a girl for a really long time and never has the confidence to go up and talk to her and see what’s going on. He’d rather just go home and masturbate. You know.

Clint (00:57:19):
This really ties into just being depressed and having that sense of hopelessness and that dark cloud hanging over you all the time and not having, like you’re saying the tribe to kind of take you out and try to uplift you. I mean, you can sit here and ruminate for a long, long time. And all you really need to do is just take one step each day to try to engage in is something of great that passion again.

Brad Singletary (00:57:44):
Yeah. If you’re never going anywhere, you never get anything new. You dress poorly. You carry yourself with like lame energy. You might be a nice guy, but you’re never going to score anything not just, you know, sexually or romantically. You got no drive and no desire for any richness in your life. You know, you’ve abandoned your, your hobbies, just going through the motions. You’re afraid of intimacy and sex. That’s the guy who’s living in the impotent lover energy. It’s playing a safe. There’s no adventure in him. I asked guys, sometimes I’ve mentioned this several times in these episodes about when’s the last time you been swimming? When’s the last time you took your kids to the park. When’s the last time you got a sunburn? When does the last time you got something new for yourself that you don’t normally have? It’s interesting. These guys are just literally going through the motions. This lady described her husband the other day is just like his parents. Who’ve lived in the same house for 50 years and sit home and at each other all day. Not a lot of love happening in there.

Jim (00:58:52):
And you ask that guy, what do you enjoy? And they have no answer, complete blank look over their face. I don’t, I don’t know what I enjoy, but what do you want to do in your spare time? I don’t know.

Brad Singletary (00:59:07):
Yeah. I’m 45 years old and I haven’t had a hobby since I was 13. That’s sadness, man. That is a tragic situation where there be no flavor. That’s complete disengagement from life. So we’ve talked about the lover in his fullness. We’ve talked about the bipolar shadows of the addicted lover and the underachieving shadow of the impotent lover. So if a man wants to improve this part of his life, how does he fully access the lever energy with himself? What are some things that he can do to create some more passion and zest?

Jay (00:59:48):
I think you have to stop and experience things that you’ve already have, or you’ve already done it. You know, a lot of these individuals and these men, they get so wrapped up in life or work and they go from point a to point B, but stop, take a look around and just start to appreciate and feel everything that’s around you.

Brad Singletary (01:00:10):
I like that. I saw something one time that said, if all you do is go around looking for things to be grateful for, you’re going to have a spectacular life. There’s so many things. If you think about, I don’t know when you’re saying experiencing, I just sometimes drive down the road and just listen to the sound of my tires and think, man, I’m so glad that I’ve got a working vehicle or, and these socks I’m wearing right now are so cool that I love it on my feet right now.

Jim (01:00:33):
I have clean water to take a shower with. Yeah. I’m just grateful.

Brad Singletary (01:00:36):
This soap smells good.

Clint Albright (01:00:40):
Yeah. I think to, to access that is just patience. You know, not being in such a hurry, take the time to enjoy, you know, find time to work, but find time to relax. And I think it’ll kind of come naturally for you. Yeah. Don’t go

Brad Singletary (01:00:58):
Spend a thousand dollars on some crazy new hobby and think you’re going to kind of overnight turn into, you know, Jack Black or Jack from the Titanic or whatever. If it’s been 30 years since you’ve done anything fun, give it a lap at a time and learn to appreciate the moment. Maybe,

Jay (01:01:17):
You know, and I, I can attest like personally, like I don’t know how it is for other men, but for me, like, wait, sometimes I struggle with my weight and the more weight that I put on the, it seems like the more recluse and the more, probably important lover that I become. But when I shed that way, you start to feel better about yourself. You’re out doing more things, experiencing, able to give to others a lot more. And so I think sometimes like, especially men, like your physical appearance can, can play a big part of that

Brad Singletary (01:01:48):
Feeling like a stud. And you can walk confidently into some new situation or into your bedroom or wherever, whatever it is you’re doing. That makes a big difference. I, one time I weighed 430 pounds and I don’t know where I heard this or saw it, but there was something which I knew what it was from, but it was saying, you know, if you, if you have a problem with like, especially like serious, you know, morbid obesity, my thought is you’re probably not having a very fulfilled sex life. Hate to say it. I’ve been

Brad Singletary (01:02:20):
That person before and it’s just, man, there’s, there’s so much more pleasurable things in life than indulging in like food or some other substance or gambling or porn or those things are just destructive and they keep you from fulfillment. So wait, I’m totally with you on that, Jay. So accessing that lover energy means, I think that you have a sense of meaning and purpose or some drive. He has a sense of passion and compassion. Those are things you have to think. You have to develop, especially if you’ve been disconnected from it. What could you be passionate about if you want it to be passionate about something, dude, what would it be? You don’t have any passions. You don’t have any hobbies. If you wanted a hobby, if you, if you could enjoy something outdoors, what would it be? Maybe you don’t have to know how to smoke meat, you know, climb mountains like a, like Clinton over here.

Brad Singletary (01:03:16):
But if there was anything that you wanted to explore in a like sensory stimulating way, what would it be? I think those, those are good questions for a man to ask himself. And just to start experimenting, if you’ve got a pet, a dog, if you got kids, just let them lead you to some things they’ll let you they’ll show you how to be goofy.

Jay (01:03:38):
Get off the tracks, get out of your own way. I think sometimes we’re our own worst enemy. You know, you get out there, be spontaneous, be adventurous, but I think we overthink it a lot and we just don’t get out of our own way.

Clint Albright (01:03:50):
Yeah. I mean, that’s why I got the Nike swish tattooed on my foot and says, just do it. So in those moments I might be feeling depressed or, you know, in these, these shadows, I can look at my right foot and just say, you know what Clint just put your right foot forward and just do it. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations. See what happens.

Brad Singletary (01:04:08):
Take a step, put yourself in position.

Clint Albright (01:04:11):
Just try to remind yourself to go out and explore.

Brad Singletary (01:04:14):
There was a, when I taught in a graduate program, this was for counseling students. They read a book called the family crucible and I forget the guy’s name, but this was a therapist from like seventies, Whitaker, I think was his last name. But anyway, he talked about that. People needed to get in touch with their absurdity. And in more recent years, some of the cognitive behavioral folks talk about attacking your shame, do something silly on purpose, do something ridiculous on purpose. I love the example of like the show practical jokers go around. And they’re just like doing goofy, goofy things and it’s fun. And most people don’t trip out on them.

Brad Singletary (01:04:54):
It’s just, it’s just funny. And they learn to experiment in, they’re like in a store here, hold this toilet seat for while I, you know, you’re holding my baby while I run over here real quick and no one would ever do that. But if you’re just trying to live in the moment, have some fun shame attacking exercises. So my wife used to work at this chocolate store in the forum shops in Caesar’s palace. And it was just like exotic chocolate. And it would have like bee pollen in it, gold flakes all kinds of crazy things. But when you looked on the package, I mean, part of her job was to know her product. And so she was always bringing home these crazy chocolates and it talked about here’s how you eat chocolate, you rub it, you feel it, you smell it. You know, when you put it in your mouth, you just kind of let it melt. You just kind of experience it. You’re just kind of having a, you’re not just garbling it down, you know,

Clint (01:05:57):
That’s the addictive. Down right away.

Brad Singletary (01:06:00):
Yeah. Just if you’re just trying to fill up the space and kind of get full, but to notice the nuances and flavors and things.

Jay (01:06:08):
I can identify that with that too, is I’m not a wine drinker, but I’ve been to like a, a winery and then you go in and you do the tastings and stuff and the waiters or waitresses that are behind the bar that are serving those to you. They’re really into that. They, you know, they, the different flavors and aromas and really looking into color. Yeah. This title, the subtlety leads down the glass. It’s, it’s a whole art form that they’re really in tuned to all of that. And they call those a Somalia 78, something like that. Yeah.

Clint Albright (01:06:43):
One of my favorite comedians and actors is Jim Carey. And I think he really shows that kind of live in that moment through a lot of his work and even in his own personal life. But there’s one quote that really has always resonated with me from him. And it goes you’re already enabled to do beautiful things in this world. And as you walk through the doors today, you’ll have two choices, love or fear choose love, and don’t let fear turn against your playful heart.

Brad Singletary (01:07:09):
Oh, that’s awesome. That’s good.

Clint Albright (01:07:14):
I definitely have to say learning to cook is one the biggest things for me to re-engage with some of my passions, I love cooking for other people. It love barbecuing and just have everyone over and really engage in those moments.

Brad Singletary (01:07:25):
Yeah. That’s connecting. It’s very sensual. You know, there’s a smell to it. There’s texture, there’s temperature. There’s so many like layers when you’re, when, when you’re really kind of getting busy with the food, you know, that, that, that, that is a very nice way to, to engage with the lover energy.

Jay (01:07:44):
Would you say that when we talk about trying to get into this lover energy, that a lot of men probably know they should do, but just don’t. So is it really just putting that foot forward?

Brad Singletary (01:07:57):
I would say so. Yeah. There’s just fear holding them back. They’re afraid. They’re going to look silly. You know, they’re afraid they’re going to seem inadequate or inferior in some way. I remember the first time I went snowboarding, I was just angry the whole time I grew up in Florida where it’s flat and there’s no snow. I had no idea. It turned into something that I really loved, but man, a new experience, a new challenge, you know, out of your comfort zone, no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone.

Brad Singletary (01:08:31):
What about things like style? You know, stuff like that. I mean, we don’t, we don’t want to become all like metro-sexual or anything here, but what about cleanliness? I mean, there was a guy in one of my groups the other night and his wife’s been complaining forever. He’s kind of a laborer type in that she’s wish she would take a shower. What about grooming and stuff like that?

Clint (01:08:52):
I think taking a shower as a basic professor, I mean, I would complain to get some Axe, body wash, man, but I mean, taking care of yourself in that capacity is just an expression of your own self-love that you’re taking care of yourself and it kind of bleeds out to everyone else that you, you know. Yeah. Basically

Brad Singletary (01:09:24):
I had a funny thing. One time I like smells, you know, so I like cologne and different things like that smell good and I realized several years ago that the stuff that I was wearing, it smelled good to me. They were things that I wanted to smell. My wife hated it. And when I, when she was like, yeah, I don’t like that. I don’t like that. And I’m thinking, but I do. I’m wearing this for me. You know, I’m wearing this for me. And I’m like, what I’m going to, going to go around, smelling myself. I mean, that’s kind of like masturbation with smell. It’s all about me in, in any way when I realized, so I tried on some of the stuff that she liked and I learned to like it, because it was like, I’m trying to, you know, I want to smell a certain way for her. I don’t know if that makes sense.

Clint (01:10:02):
Yeah. You got out of your comfort zone.

Brad Singletary (01:10:04):
How about style, Mr. Jim? You’re you’re you gotta got a way about you. That’s not at all overly done over done. What’s your approach to like, I don’t know, clothing and stuff like that, you know, it’s it doesn’t seem like you got some intentional way about you. You got the same thing too, for sure, Clint, like how do you decide what, what looks good? I mean, how do you, Jay’s I guess I’m a slot nerd. He simple keeps it easy. Well, whoever, I mean, all of it, you, you had that too Jay, for sure.

Jay (01:10:40):
You don’t have to lie. I come from the Midwest. It’s very plain Jay.

Brad Singletary (01:10:48):
It’s all about being practical.

Jim (01:10:49):
I, I don’t, I, you know, I know you’ve mentioned that a couple times. I don’t feel like I have style per se. I just, I try to wear things that are comfortable and look decent together. Yeah.

Brad Singletary (01:11:02):
What’s the approach. I mean, is it just, Hey, I like this, this was good. Or do you, do you know how things match up? You know what I mean? Do you know, like this doesn’t go with that. And again, don’t, we don’t want to turn our, our, our listeners into, you know, fashionistas over here, but like, how do you approach things like color and what you’re wearing? And like

Jim (01:11:24):
I mean, for me, I just wear whatever. I really don’t care what other people think about what I wear, but I want to be comfortable. I wear a lot of sustainable clothing and stuff, and I’m also wearing a Pokemon hat for crying out loud right now. I want to get that hat for my son and my teenagers. I went to a very preppy kind of school and I was the Gothic kid with like tight black jeans with all of our rock rocker, blonde purple and blonde hair. I just didn’t really care. I was like, you know what? I’m on this life one time and I’m just going to enjoy it. You know, if I, if someone makes fun of me, that’s on them, but I’m happy with me.

Brad Singletary (01:12:03):
And I bet that was that I bet that worked. I bet that was like people found. And maybe that’s what Jay was saying that younger, the younger generation, the rest of us are kind of old dudes in here, but maybe that just playful approach to it and not overthinking it and not being too serious about it. Not taking yourself too seriously. Maybe that works.

Clint (01:12:23):
When I see something and it just fits, you know, just, it describes me.

Jay (01:12:30):
Well, I can, I can talk towards not having style and going through a divorce and having to get back out in the dating pool and going, Oh, ,my white new balance is no yard. Aren’t going to work anymore. What am I going to do? And you know, for, for all of all of you listening that have that crappy style get online. I mean, I’m not too proud to say that, you know, I got on Instagram and maybe a few times on Pinterest or stuff like that, but I got on there and I actually, I found a guy that literally probably makes a crap ton of money, but he posts different out. Like you post different outfits, like every day. And so like, I was able to go through there and go, Hey, that looks kind of good. Well that, Hey, that looks good together. And then I went out and actually was able to purchase some clothes. It made me actually look halfway decent.

Brad Singletary (01:13:21):
I love it. Just the idea of research. I’ve talked about this so many times, if you don’t know something, have you ever tried to look for it? Have you ever Googled the? You know, I remember looking one time at like, okay, facial hairstyles for bald men with round faces and it’s there and here it is, maybe this is where we ended up you know, I remember feeling like all ashamed about gray, gray hair. And if you just, you know, nothing inappropriate or flirty or anything like that, but a few women kind of said that gray hair is something else and they liked it. And I was like, okay, but if I’d never attempted it, I wouldn’t have had, I feel good in my kids now telling me, dad, don’t you ever shave? They seen pictures of me and they’re like, never shaved, but like you too have facial hair, how do you do it that way? Is that just lazy? Don’t want to shave or is there intentional about jow you carry yourself?

Clint (01:14:14):
And I just don’t like my baby face.

Jay (01:14:17):
Yeah. I’m not, I’m not a clean shave person either. I just, it’s just kind of intuitive kind of a little shorter or let it grow out a little bit longer. That was to say something too about the style and Pinterest and things like that. Have you ever asked your woman to take you shopping and let her dress you?

Brad Singletary (01:14:35):
Yeah. And don’t turn it down. Don’t say no, no, no. Let her decide.

Clint (01:14:39):
I did something like that recently. And I was completely out of my wheelhouse, but it looked freaking good. I was, I let her do it and it probably made you feel good too. Yeah. Anyways. [inaudible]

Brad Singletary (01:15:00):
Yeah, seriously though. But to have openness, remember we started out, but this is kind of an artist type of person. You gotta be open. You gotta be willing to like receive new information. You gotta be able to see it. And sometimes that means through other people, the feedback that you get sometimes.

Clint (01:15:15):
Yeah. I mean, you get blinders, you can have blinders with style, right? Just like anything. And you kinda just have to step back or maybe help have someone else help you see it.

Brad Singletary (01:15:27):
I just think it’s important. You know, I, I saw something one time. It’s kind of been my motto about life is just everything counts. Everything is taking you either closer to what you want or further away from it. So what kind of stuff you’re wearing and buying and the vehicle you drive and how you speak and just everything matters.

Brad Singletary (01:15:49):
And so don’t be afraid. Don’t think it’s gay to go pick out some kind of clothing that you want to, you know, you just want to look better. They’ll think that that’s some kind of weak or feminine trait that you’re trying to spray things. And you know, you’re a Dillard’s spray in, at the counters. Colognes are asking your woman what you think she, you think she thinks you should wear? It all matters, man. Cause you’re trying to kind of get tuned in to what not only feel it makes you feel better, stronger as a man and more like attractive, but to be more attractive to her.

Clint (01:16:24):
But at the same time, it’s also not caring. I mean your, your significant other. Yes. But those around you, you know, if you’re being sidetracked or distracted by, you know you’re worried about how they perceive you, name worth it. Cause it doesn’t even matter.

Brad Singletary (01:16:42):
Yeah. That’s inner, that’s the energy that you’re saying. And it wouldn’t matter if you’re dressed to the nines. If you feel anxious and uneasy about it, that’s what they pick up. It almost doesn’t matter. That’s what I’m saying about chubby, you know, Jack Black dancing around carrying himself. It’s not, it’s how you carry yourself. That’s great. That’s, that’s an important point. I think smiling is just one of the most attractive things in the world. Somebody suggested to me that maybe all humans have a two, a teeth fetish, you know, tooth fetish, because it’s like, think of how attractive it is when you see someone smiling, they don’t even have to have straight teeth. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just, it’s something that’s opens and warms the whole vibe. So universal language, universal language, smiling will get you somewhere so simple.

Jay (01:17:34):
I also think getting communication skills, learning how to talk to people. I mean, you come recluse and become that important lover when you don’t know how to get out confidence, talk to other people and engage them.

Brad Singletary (01:17:52):
Well, especially about, we’ve already talked about this, about like sexual fulfillment to be able to talk about that. You know, a lot of guys were literally, I hear this complaint all the time by women. Like he comes up to me and like squeezes my boobs in the kitchen and he thinks that’s taking me somewhere. And that doesn’t you know, you’re you get out of the shower and you say, can we do the nasty? Like, that’s just not all that. That’s not all that clamor. Maybe sometimes you do that. But to communicate not only about your needs and whatever, but to communicate in a way that reaches her, I love the five love languages. That’s just something every man should know about. Words of affirmation, quality timem gifts, physical touch, physical touch. And I don’t know if I say the act of service that was the fifth one. Yeah. So there’s so many skills out there. And so if you’re feeling like you’re an impotent lover, there’s so much you could do. One of my clients actually introduced me to this thing called sensate focus, which is about non-sexual touch, but it’s about focusing very mindfully on the power of intimate touch with really, without expecting any penetration or favors at the end of that. But just learning to be connected to the moment connected to your body partner’s body.

Clint Albright (01:19:23):
I like that sensate focus a lot. And I, I tell a lot of clients just to do that, just to increase intimacy is grab your partner by the hand and just look at their hand. Like you’ve never seen it before. Just touch it. You know, look at it, Just recognize, like this is the hand of the person you love. It’s like you’re mapping it and just taking that time to really just give that appreciation to somebody else. So you get creases that intimacy.

Brad Singletary (01:19:49):
Yeah. They’re going to feel that you’re going to feel it too. If you’re looking for things to be grateful for. If you’re looking for beauty, you’re going to find it. I remember moving to the desert here. I grew up in Florida where there’s beaches and rivers and lakes and streams everywhere. I moved to the desert, just thought this was just, I lived in hell and I’ve really over the last 15 years learned to really appreciate it here. There’s a beauty everywhere and it could be in that chubby hand of your lover, you know, it could be in our bony ankles. I don’t know, whatever, whatever it is you’re looking at. Try to experience it, feel it, notice it, notice what you do like about it. Talk about those things.

Brad Singletary (01:20:38):
I think knowing how to colourfully compliment. So don’t just say, thank you. I’ve talked about this as some of the other episodes. Don’t just say, thank you. Say good God Almighty. That’s the best spaghetti I ever had in my life. And that may not be the way you communicate, but just to see if you can make it a little more, you know, colorful a little more dramatic, you know, kinda dance around, open your eyes all wide and you know, make silly sounds about that.

Jay (01:21:11):
You know, you’ve talked about that in other podcasts before too. And I know we’ve talked about it is kind of that overemphasis sometimes of your appreciation or your compliments and woo. Yeah, you gotta like, they come out, you know, they’re, they’re dressed to the nines and they got a new dress or something instead of just saying, Oh, that looks, that looks good. Oh man, you look hot in that. Or you are gorgeous. Be like, you know, man, you look good doing a dance and stuff. And I’ve actually tried that in the it’s amazing. Just the, the transformation in them, like the smile and how good they feel just from that extra over emphasis on it.

Brad Singletary (01:21:48):
You know, I, so I have six kids, six boys, my youngest two are four and five now. And if you ever have a hard time with children, because this is the, the lover energy is not just about romance and sexuality, but if you can be dramatic like a cartoon character and throw your voice and whatever a kid will listen to you and they will love engaging with you. If you can just be a little goofy, make faces and we lose that sense of play, we get all serious. And we just don’t, just don’t allow ourselves to be like free and spontaneous. And I think that’s what the lover energy is really all about. Closing thoughts. You guys, anything about how a man can really tune into the fullness of the lower energy.

Clint (01:22:32):
Take a moment, be aware of where you’re at know that you deserve love, you deserve to receive love, and you should be able to give that out as much as possible. This life is finite. I know I’ve been around a lot of death in my life and each time I’ve lost somebody it’s made me really want to engage more and more and share my life experience with people.

Jay (01:22:56):
Be present, be attentive and be willing to stop and smell those and enjoy life’s experiences in no matter what you’re doing.

Jim (01:23:10):
Like what you just ended on about being colorful because not everything’s just black and white, you know, you got to expand on it and throw some color into it, throw some attitude into it and make the most of it. Be grateful.

Brad Singletary (01:23:27):
I think my closing thought would just be to have new experiences. Don’t be afraid of things you have never done before and be dramatic. You know, I guess I’m probably a pretty boring. My energy normally is just pretty boring monotone. The more I kind of, you have to intentionally do this, if you’re introverted or whatever, if you can just pull it where from wherever you have to pull this energy from. But if you can just be a little bit more, just a little louder, your, the dynamics in your voice are up and down and you can change your facial expression. You are a much more attractive person. You are more fulfilled. You’re not always chasing this around. You guys, I really appreciate it. This has been, this is kind of the final, main segment of this this podcast series. It’s been awesome. When I look at all four of you, I really do feel like you do kind of embody those four things, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, and I’ve just appreciated getting to learn from you throughout this. We’re going to next week, we’re going to have just a short little summary of kind of how some of this maybe applies in our personal life. And until next time guys, no excuses, Alpha up.