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Why Leading Too Loud is Faux Alpha
Host Brad Singletary interviews his father, Emory, in this Father’s Day 2020 Special.
“Today, I’m interviewing a man that has shaped me more than any other man. He’s been on this planet for three quarters of a century. He’s been married for 56 years. He raised six children professionally. He’s done everything from being an over the road trucker a commercial fishermen, an international business executive, a hospital business manager, practice manager for a surgeon, an administrative director of a hospice organization and owner of multiple corporations. He’s volunteered with the red cross boy Scouts of America. And he spent decades serving in his faith community and volunteer roles. He graduated from Florida state university, but of course holds honorary doctorate degrees from the school of hard knocks. Our guest today describes what it means to be a real man and how he has grown over 75 years of failures and successes.”
Brad’s dad begins by sharing the example his father set about restraining emotional reactions when he broke his own father’s tooth with a pair of pliers.
Emory describes the problem with the ‘faux alpha’…men who are too angry and self-oriented, leading too loud thereby pushing people away.
He recounts mistakes he has made and what he might have done differently. Taking supplements, drinking water, exercise and planking have kept him healthy into his 75th year, 23 years after an 8-vessel bypass which was previously thought to only have been remedied by a heart transplant.
He teaches how an Alpha can bring life wherever he goes with friendly conversation and how strong negotiations begin with simple engagement.
He shares a story of how he worked for free with a failing non-profit who was being evicted from their office building until he found ways to increase revenue sufficient to pay for a brand new multi-million dollar facility which was paid for in cash.
Brad’s father was an expatriate business executive and lived in Jamaica where he learned what it meant to be a minority, reversing some of his upbringing in a racist environment in the South.
He shares what he hopes for his sons, grandsons, and great-grandsons: that they live lives which reflect a relationship with God and enjoy a happy home life. In this Father’s Day Special, Brad and his father get up close and personal about their own relationship and what they have learned together about being a good man.
Brad Singletary (00:00:01):
Today, I’m interviewing a man that has shaped me more than any other man. He’s been on this planet for three quarters of a century. He’s been married for 56 years. He raised six children professionally. He’s done everything from being an over the road trucker a commercial fishermen, an international business executive, a hospital business manager, practice manager for a surgeon, an administrative director of a hospice organization and owner of multiple corporations. He’s volunteered with the red cross boy Scouts of America. And he spent decades serving in his faith community and volunteer roles. He graduated from Florida state university, but of course holds honorary doctorate degrees from the school of hard knocks. Our guest today describes what it means to be a real man and how he has grown over 75 years of failures and successes.
If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better. You are in the right place. You are responsible, you are strong, you are a leader. You are a force for good gentlemen. You are the alpha, and this is the Alpha Quorum.
Brad Singletary (00:01:34):
Welcome back to the alpha quorum show you guys, Brad Singletary here. I have a very special plan for you tonight and what we’re going to be discussing. I actually have my dad here. He’s our first guest. Who’s joining us from North Florida. It’s about 10:00 PM there. I hope you daddy, I hope you’re awake and that you’re going to be able to make it through this. You think you can do it. I’m also joined by my oldest son, Jackson. He turns 17 this Sunday, and I think that’s pretty special because it’s father’s day on Sunday and it’s his last birthday as a child. So he’s a w I guess we’ll call him a pre-alpha. He’s been kind of a fan of our show and some of the topics I’ve had to ask him, not to listen to a little bit mature in nature, but thanks for being here, Jackson and my dad, my mom is actually listening in my dad, asked earlier if it was okay for women to listen.
Brad Singletary (00:02:32):
And I explained we have like 30% of our audience is women. I think they’re in a desperate attempt trying to figure out what they need to do to get their man straightened out. So we’ve got a great show planned for you today. I wanted to talk with my dad here and have something that we could share together about what it means to be a man. My dad raised four sons, four strong, who were doing very well in life, and he’s done some great things and has also had some hardships too. And you can’t live for 75 years. You’re going to, you’re going to be 75 this year. Right? Right. You can’t live that long and not have a few things figured out. So I’m just so happy to be doing this. I’ve kind of wanted to do it for a long time. We had some other guests that were lined up that didn’t quite work out and I thought this was a perfect opportunity with father’s day coming. So tell us a little bit about yourself first, maybe. What are you doing these days? What’s your life like right now? And then we’re going to get into some, some historical lessons and things that you’ve learned throughout your life.
Emory Singletary (00:03:39):
Well, of late, I have been working as a copywriter for people who are in the helping business, helping families and relationships and husbands and wives. And it is very fulfilling. I’ve been able to bring into that a lot of the things that I’ve learned along the way. And so yeah, one time I looked forward to being totally retired and going to the, to The Bahamas and to Hawaii by now. But I am helping some of my family members to do some things that is important to me. And so I’m really enjoying what I’m doing.
Brad Singletary (00:04:23):
So I want to start with our first question here. What do you see? You know, a lot of men you’ve been around men your whole life, what do you see that men do poorly? How do you think men are failing? What are we not good at?
Emory Singletary (00:04:36):
I think a lot of times you stood up building relationships with family or fellow workers, et cetera. Men sometimes get into a sort of a foe, alpha stance leading too loud, too condescending, too. Self-Oriented too angry and, and drive others away.
Brad Singletary (00:04:58):
That’s interesting. It fo alpha. I love that. So they’re there, they’re pretending maybe they’re loud and colorful. We’ll talk more about that.
Emory Singletary (00:05:06):
I think sometimes in our fast paced world, we get things figured out and we figure that’s the way that things should go. And if anybody crosses us a family member and fellow worker, or even a boss, sometimes we just get red in our eyes. And we we can’t control that sometimes. And it’s not very smart.
Brad Singletary (00:05:36):
So stubborn, hardheaded, little bit disagreeable.
Emory Singletary (00:05:39):
Yeah. I’ve heard some people do that.
Brad Singletary (00:05:46):
Yeah. So I promised that I wouldn’t tell stories. I’m going to let you be the one telling all the stories here, but so when you started that answer, it was really, you said, instead of being, you know, instead of building relationships, they create this, this persona of a pho alpha, and then what followed after that?
Emory Singletary (00:06:06):
Well, but not by leading too loud,
Brad Singletary (00:06:10):
Leading to that
Emory Singletary (00:06:12):
Being too condescending or, and too self oriented, too angry. And yeah. Actually drive other people away with that kind of behavior. We, man, we even really want to show that we’re in charge or that we’re man. And we, we instead make all those potential lovers of us around a school away. And it happens too many times.
Brad Singletary (00:06:41):
So even if we’re right, you know, we, we, we have the right logic, we’ve got the right rationale. We maybe have the right answer, but you’re saying, when you’re leading too loudly, you, you push your resources away and the resources so many times or other people, you said lovers of, of you people who could love you, but we pushed them away with our correctness. We think we’ve got the right answer. You’re doing it wrong. And those are, those are things that actually take us in the wrong direction.
Emory Singletary (00:07:10):
And we may have the right answer, at least in our own eyes. But unfortunately this world is not made up up of me. This word world is made up of me and you and others. And we, in order to get along we need leaders who can lead us there, not push us there. And that sort of, I think what the alpha group is all about is trying to figure out how to lead, how to be pure in our motives and in our behavior. And once we can get there probably surprising how many people will follow us.
Brad Singletary (00:07:56):
There’s always this argument about what is the alpha do. And we’re relating this back to the animal kingdom and all these different things. When I think of a novel, I think people are following him. People are following him because they can trust him. There’s some reliability, there’s some consistency there, their principles. And that’s what we’re trying to teach people here. The first you have to lead yourself and then you lead others and there’s a, there are better ways than others to do that. So you’re saying leading too loudly. I love that little phrase that we can push people away. You
Emory Singletary (00:08:29):
Mentioned earlier that I’ve been in a lot of places and a lot of employers, a lot of businesses, one thing that I think both alphas and the other side sometimes have a problem with is as far as careers go, it’s allowing drugs, alcohol, or ambition without merit sometimes to make them sort of proud, they think so that they assume too much about how employers or other employees or spouses or others would think of them, maybe even children also. And so they sometimes act as if employers are those other people. They exist to tolerate their anxiety or their anger or their their way. And I’m sure a way to drive away all those people, including the employers, because we tend to want to be right, not the greater power coming out and us. And so it makes us uncooperative, not even tempered unsteady and undependable in the eyes of employers and houses and children and others. There’s just a better way. I wish I had found that better way earlier in my life.
Brad Singletary (00:10:00):
It’s interesting. Earlier you were saying, things can get in the way, and you mentioned drugs, alcohol ambition, and I’m kind of blown away by that because ambition, we think about ambition as a positive and maybe with the right mindset and the right heart ambition is a good thing. But you’re saying that could be negative. Ambition could be negatively affected your life.
Emory Singletary (00:10:24):
It can be so powerful that it pushes away people. Yes. You know, you’re right. And yes, you know how to do it. And yes, you know what to say, but the people around you sometimes don’t feel that way. And so they kind of assume too much about how everybody else should act. And so it turns out that they, we LIFO alphas in the alpha state, don’t do anything to draw people to us. We only tend to drive them away, whoever it is. And so it’s important to bear that in mind, as we go through life with all the ups and downs that we have to encounter that you, you can’t be right every time, at least in the eyes of those around you. And so, even though it was a good idea, even though it was the right way, if others around us don’t agree, then we sometimes have to go along to get along. And people who don’t learn that lose their jobs, they lose their spouse, they lose their children. And I think that it’s important to discover that early on, if you can,
Brad Singletary (00:11:47):
I was heavily influenced early in my adulthood by Stephen Covey. And some of the things that he talked one was seek first to understand, and then to be understood. And what he’s really saying is listen, and make sure you understand the other side first, he also talks about production and production capability. I think that’s the terms you use, you know, production and PR. So you can kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, but you’re not going to have any more goose. And so your idea might be the right one. And if you iron fist it through, you’ve alienated your team, you’ve alienated your family. You’ve alienated people that ultimately could actually provide more. And, you know, synergize is another one of his words there. So it seems like part of what you’re talking about is be willing to listen as much as you speak, make sure you’re understanding and that you’re not being too forceful. I love this thought leading to loudly. So what were some of the lessons that you learned about manhood from your own father? I did not. I never knew my grandfather. He passed before I was born. Tell me about him. We got some generational stuff here. My dad and my son are here. Talk about your own father and the good things that he taught you about being a good man.
Emory Singletary (00:13:04):
Well, he was a good man. One time I was helping him do something and I was working the pliers on a, on a, I think it was a plumbing thing. And and I was working with the pliers and I hit him in the mouth and actually broke, broke a tooth. So I didn’t do that on purpose. My sort of uncontrollable hands made it happen. Wasn’t my fault. Anyway, so I, yes, that had been me. I would have gotten pretty angry. My father didn’t, he was a quiet man. Being quiet in that situation might have might’ve led me to to less than perfect behavior later because I was trying to be the man. And so I learned pretty quickly that I had to be a good man. I had to be a good alpha. I had to be contained there, constrained, I guess, is the right word in what I did and what I said. And that led to a lot of the opportunities I’ve had in life is that I learned from my father what to do in some cases and what not to do. And that is, you know, I think an alpha has to take charge when they need to. They have to at least be an active partner in any, in any situation. And one thing I had decided early on was that I wanted to be, I didn’t want my mother, my, my wife to be the alpha of the family.
Emory Singletary (00:14:51):
But at the same time, I had a lesson or two to learn about how to be a better alpha and I’m still learning.
Brad Singletary (00:15:01):
So you’re this thing with the pliers, you had the pliers, you’re holding something, you’d lose your grip and it’s instead of slipping and busting your knuckles, your hand hit his mouth. And he, with the pliers knocked his tooth out, broke his tooth and he just kind of calmly re he didn’t react. He wasn’t angry. He just, he had, he exercised restraint
Emory Singletary (00:15:25):
Affected it, but it wasn’t,
Brad Singletary (00:15:27):
That would have been awesome to have a dad like that. I just, I’m still looking for the chance to break your tooth
Emory Singletary (00:15:44):
About my children. Did I?
Emory Singletary (00:15:50):
Yeah. I have six children. Did you say that? Yeah, I thought that was right. I lost count sometimes, but anyway, I have a son in Taiwan. He’s an internet guru, self employed. I have a daughter in Idaho falls. Who’s a medical administrator. I have a, a nurse practitioner in Florida, his work to a large medical group. And in Florida, I have an engineer, a son with a defense contractor. Who’s doing very well. He’s a six Sigma expert out in Las Vegas. I have a therapist, son who is self employed. You may have run across him out there and an Albuquerque. I have a businessman contractor who’s in the air conditioning business and doing quite well and Albuquerque. So I have a, those are my six kids. I also have a wife, is a therapist out of all of them. They have all excelled in their chosen careers. And you’ll notice that most of them got out of Dodge. They live far away from me,
Brad Singletary (00:17:06):
One move across the world to get away.
Emory Singletary (00:17:11):
But that’s yeah, that’s probably make airplanes for, right.
Brad Singletary (00:17:16):
I don’t know if you read through some of these questions that I sent to you, and I don’t know how you feel about airing some of this stuff out, but I’m curious, 75 years, what, what are some of the mistakes that have taught you the most? I believe that so many of our lessons are learned the hard way. What are some things you’ve learned the hard way as a man, as a man, as a father,
Emory Singletary (00:17:37):
Hinted at some of them, but my anger, my selfishness, my, you know, really getting on kids, things like that, that, and not only kids trying to be one of those office with my wife I believe over the years, that is that has cost me a lot of points. It would probably make everybody move far away love and compassion, or the lack thereof has taught me the right way to go. And I hope that I’m doing better these days. But while I’ve enjoyed a broad background, I’ve lived in a foreign country. I’ve also lived in about 25 different homes. I’ve been a member of 15 or so different cities. Looking back, I would have enjoyed a little bit of engagement in a community for a long period of time, a little bit more stability for me and my wife and, and especially my kids.
Emory Singletary (00:18:46):
At one time, we had kids going to high school and different cities because of moving in the middle of the school year. And so one went to where we went and one stayed. So I’ve had lots of things like that. Wow. We thought it was the right thing at the time. It turns out it would probably would have been better to have been more stable in that sense. I think kids need stability. I would do that differently if I could. And you have to control your anger, you, your breasts, miss you like learn how to communicate without your eyes getting red, the way I expressed it live a life where possible maybe all their, you know, no, they can trust. You can rely on you and they want to be near you. I had a fellow the other day who did some work for me.
Emory Singletary (00:19:46):
So I reached down to pay money left and I didn’t have enough money to pay him. I said, you know, I’m going to have to go to the bank. And let’s say, I take you some money by. And he said something that is worth hearing over and over and over again, he said, Emory, I there’s one thing I know about you. I can totally trust you. And if you say that you are going to do something just, you know, look out my window until I see you, but cause you’ll be coming. That makes me feel very good. That makes me think that maybe there is a little bit of concreteness in, in my being. And it gives me a certain amount of pride knowing that there are those who trust me, who feel like they have been able to look into my life and know a little bit about me and they feel that way about me.
Speaker 5 (00:20:46):
Brad Singletary (00:20:48):
Other mistakes that have taught you things, you know, that maybe you don’t know when you’re 28 years old, but you, you know, when you’re 68 or 58 or 48, what kinds of things did you figure out that some of our listeners may be in the middle of that? You could speak some wisdom into them,
Emory Singletary (00:21:07):
You know, moving around too much, being, not being there for some of my kids because of that, moving and looking back, I think I would have enjoyed a little bit more stability in my own life. That’s, that’s one of the biggest things.
Brad Singletary (00:21:27):
So you talked about the moving around and, you know, kind of chasing these different career opportunities and things like that, which gave you a great variation of experience, but it had an impact on your family and your kids. And that’s something you feel kind of bad about looking, looking back with some regret, what would have helped you be more stable professionally?
Emory Singletary (00:21:48):
Well, some of those same opportunities I, I moved off for or separated from family for, could have been had maybe, maybe a lecture degree by having that everybody living in the same house, kind of family, everybody living in the same community. And so there was a period of time when, when that wasn’t case. And I felt like even though I was able to carry on a lot of good things in my life personally, I had other responsibilities and I should have taken those responsibilities a lot more to heart so that I could have done what was most important to me. But at the time, you know, when you see the dollar signs and you see the opportunities and it’s so easy to leave behind those, you love the most. And sometimes I would do that. I’ve lived out of town a lot. That’s not a very good way to have a family.
Brad Singletary (00:22:57):
So what are some of your big wins? What are some things that you’re really proud of yourself for doing or accomplishing? What makes you feel good as you look back over your life?
Emory Singletary (00:23:07):
Well, I have been married to the same woman for 56 years. I think that’s quite an accomplishment and I’m very proud of that. She, more than anybody has hung in there through, through all of those things that I mentioned that I sort of regret, but she she’ll keep me a few more years that would be worthwhile until I, I kick the bucket. And it’s, and if my children are honest, true, and trusted and have a relationship with God that is by their lives. That’s another thing that would be worthwhile to me. It would keep me on the positive path. I’m building a real good tribe, a pretty good people, all, and it already make, it, makes it all really worth it. They are worthwhile people. I have, I have a little family birthday list and on the wall and there’s 62 people on it. That’s my, that’s all of my people down lines,
Brad Singletary (00:24:21):
Kids and grandkids and breed
Emory Singletary (00:24:23):
It’s growing rapidly. So there’s a few that aren’t even on that list. I don’t think because they’re growing too rapidly for us to make it a little name tag. That makes me feel very good. It makes me feel that in whatever way I might have them things that could have been done better. One of the things my wife and I have done is built a pretty good tribe and they’re all good people. We love them.
Brad Singletary (00:24:57):
Someone asked in our Facebook group recently, someone asked what is w w what do we mean when we say alpha made me really think about that a lot. And I thought of three things that have to do with life. I shared this in the last episode that I think an alpha has life. He creates a life and he preserves life. And I want to break those down a little bit and get your thoughts on some of that. So the first one about having a life. So you’re alive, you’re keeping yourself alive. You’re taking care of yourself, health wise, you know, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, you have a life you’re taking care of you first in a way, not to be selfish, but if you are the resource to the people that follow you, you gotta be strong. Tell me throughout your life, maybe some of the practical things, let you know, taking care of Emory. What have you had to learn? What have you had to, what have you figured out about say, taking care of your body financial things having a life of your own, like being the master of your own self.
Speaker 6 (00:26:06):
Yeah. I’m taking more supplements than I’ve ever taken. Yeah. Everything from vitamins to things that treat this or treat that
Emory Singletary (00:26:17):
I’m also I’m in the past year or so. I’ve lost 50 pounds.
Brad Singletary (00:26:25):
Wow. Are you serious? I guess it’s been a while since I’ve seen you make a visit. Okay.
Speaker 6 (00:26:32):
Well, I try to stay out of the pictures with my skinny self, you know, anyway, I’ve I’ve really been working at it. I, every morning I get up at six o’clock for the first 30 minutes, I drink a lot of water to get myself hydrated from the night I exercise right now, I’m doing a lot of work outside because of summer. So I don’t actually go walking, but usually the reason I don’t go to walking is because I usually take my walk behind mower and other opportunities to work in my yard as exercise. And not only that, I take all my medication directly and I have a little problem with a skin cancer sometimes because probably because back in my day, when I was running around on the beach and we didn’t have any suntan lotion, remember this was quite a few years ago. And so every so often I now we’ll get a little skin problem. And I, I immediately have it taken off. I’m about to have another one done. I’m trying to take care of myself that way.
Brad Singletary (00:27:50):
So many men are just really resistant to medical treatments. And what was it like 33 years ago or something? You had a heart attack and you’ve gone through several things like you’ve lived 30 or 40 years longer than you might have. Otherwise here you are 75 talking about waking up drinking water, taking supplements for you right now. Exercise is yard work. My dad lives on the four acres, four acres in the swamp and Moses with a push mower.
Speaker 6 (00:28:21):
Well, I have a riding mower and I use that when nobody’s looking.
Brad Singletary (00:28:30):
Speaker 6 (00:28:30):
Well, people are trying to see if I’m getting any eggs.
Brad Singletary (00:28:34):
That’s when you let it go too long and now you gotta make it up quick.
Speaker 6 (00:28:40):
But that sort of activity has caused me to, I used to hire my yard work done, but I don’t anymore. And that’s probably been the biggest champion of me losing 50 pounds. It’s just, you know, getting up and doing things. I think that’s important. I’m planking right now.
Brad Singletary (00:29:01):
Are you serious? You I’m like a fat slob over here. My old man, dad is planking and waking up and drinking water. Like, come on. You were supposed to make me look so bad. Tell me about that. Let’s hear about this. Well, I’m impressed. I’m impressed. Do you even know what this is? You’re up to a couple of minutes.
Speaker 6 (00:29:24):
Yeah. That’s not very nice.
Brad Singletary (00:29:27):
Yes, that is my son says he’s 17. My son says, yes, it is a long time.
Speaker 6 (00:29:32):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot longer than, than a couple of minutes should be where I’m at, but I’m taking it slow. And I also
Emory Singletary (00:29:42):
Get on my inversion table daily. So that kind of takes all my kinks out from sleeping all night. Other than that, that’s about all I do. I I don’t drink it. You know, any sweet drinks. I try to just keep myself healthy. I want to live a couple more years anyway. Yeah. I want to live a few more years. So I’m trying to take care of myself a little bit better these days, about 20 years ago or so I did I maybe 23 years or something like that. I had heart surgery because of my cogged up artery. I weighed a little bit more. I and I had a heart attack. I had moved from Florida to Utah folks at the university of Florida in Gainesville, big hospital. They’re very good on most things, but they would not operate on me. I was saying they would have to wait and I would have to get a transplant.
Emory Singletary (00:30:54):
So moving to Utah was a big help to me because when I got there, the cardiologist that I went to see said, why don’t you get these specials fixed so well, they wouldn’t do it down there. And so she sent me up to salt Lake and dr. Jones there gave me a bypass surgery and he actually bypassed seven vessels in my heart. And the eighth one, they couldn’t bypass it. I think they ran out of spare parts. And so they split the eight 20 open, cleaned it out and then grafted it back. And so I had basically an eight decile involvement in that operation in my heart. Since then I’ve had a couple of catheterizations and have been found to be totally clean. And that was 20 years ago. So my heart is in the best shape ever. You know, prior to that time, I was, I was about ready to cook. And so I’m very thankful for that. So I’ve been spared 20, 23 years or so. I’m trying to make the best of it. I spend a lot of time studying and beating and, and I’m very very happy, very pleased with the way things are going. One of these days I might make some money.
Speaker 7 (00:32:38):
So an has life. He
Brad Singletary (00:32:40):
Creates a life and I don’t mean necessarily by fatherhood there, but an alpha, when I talk about creates life, he see, he see, he creates life at the party at the church event, at the family reunion, in the job. He creates life when there’s work to do. That’s something that I, I feel like I can really look back at my time with you. And, you know, you always kind of had a pretty fun personality. You always were able to laugh at things and keep things fairly light. You taught me about attitude and when we had hard work to do
Speaker 6 (00:33:14):
Crack the whip,
Brad Singletary (00:33:16):
Well, yeah, but it was, it was a matter of like mindset. You decide if this is something terrible to do or not, you decide if this is something that you can handle or not. So talk about that, creating life, wherever you go. You know, I think that’s pretty alpha that you’re, you’re adding value in whatever thing you’re involved in. You’ve been a part of volunteer situations and church assignments, and you’ve done so many things. And how do you, how do you bring life to places?
Speaker 6 (00:33:46):
Well, I get looked at kinda kind of funny sometimes because I speak to almost everybody I see, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I catch somebody I will speak and I’ve gotten him some very good conversations that way I’ve never gotten into a bad conversation that way. I feel like if somebody saw to it to be there and available and they were willing to talk, then, then they might need somebody to talk to. So I sometimes whoever I’m with might say, how do you know those people? I never seen him before.
Brad Singletary (00:34:28):
Speaker 6 (00:34:28):
I just think there’s so many people that just live without interaction with other people that it’s important to try to see them and recognize them and to put myself out there, not, not not as an offering or anything, but as, as another warm human who is in the same space and who’s willing to say hi, you know, go ahead. You can, why don’t you go next? I get such smiles. And when you’re not, when I’m nice to people and I try to be that way, of course that’s hard sometimes, but most of the time it works.
Brad Singletary (00:35:13):
Is that something you had to learn to do? I feel like I’m that way. As an adult, as a child, I was very shy. So my dad is right. He talks to everybody, the cashier at the grocery store, wherever it is, there’s some jokes, some corny comment or something. That’s just kind of hilarious when you think about the whole body of work there, but is that something you had to force yourself to do, you know, a skill that you had to acquire the ability to just be friendly and public? I think that’s a great example of what it means. Talking about an alpha brings life and alpha creates a life that you show up. And there’s someone who maybe they look like they’re having a bad day and you make a lighthearted comment or you try to engage them in some little conversation and you never see them again, but here’s a moment of warmth. Does that something you had to learn how to do
Speaker 6 (00:36:00):
To tell you the truth? I don’t know where that comes from.
Brad Singletary (00:36:03):
You don’t remember.
Speaker 6 (00:36:05):
I think I’ve just always, that’s my personality and probably have always been there.
Brad Singletary (00:36:12):
Okay. So creating life, taking life, wherever you go. What about things like a job? You’ve got a manager you’ve got, you know, the supervisor’s a jerk and the plan that they’ve got you on, the job you’re doing is just garbage. You don’t like you, don’t like what’s happening. You think you’ve got a better way. How can you bring life to a situation like that? We disagree with the whole thing. You don’t like the leadership.
Speaker 6 (00:36:37):
I have never had a problem in talking with a supervisor about the way things are going or with a manager. I’ve never had any problems with going to the top. And in some way, maybe it doesn’t look like a deliberate thing that I’m doing, but that I’ll try to bring it around to the topic that I really wanted to talk about. And then they start asking questions and say, well, yeah, that is a problem. How would you handle that? And then all of a sudden, my advice is being solicited. When, if I had gone in and said, you know what you should do that might not have gone over too. Well, I like it when people ask me to get involved, whatever it is that I really wanted to get involved in, but tried not to be too, too pushy about it, not getting there.
Speaker 6 (00:37:45):
In other words, I waited for that moment, maybe about bringing up something totally different that I knew that I was, they would be comfortable talking to me about it. And then all of a sudden we’re talking about other things. And that has given me a lot, lots of opportunities. I had someone tell me one time that they had been asked to take over a job as a practice manager of a, of a medical practice, large esteemed medical, medical practice. They, they wanted to know what I thought, could they do it? I said, well, sure, you could do it. But if you feel like you might have problems and I’ll give you, I’ll give you an answer that you can give to them. You know, I would like to do it, but I feel weak in several areas. And if I could have Emery Singletary, be a consultant and help, help me learn these things, I would take the job. And I was hired at a very nice hourly rate to give this person the training they needed. And they were very successful at their position. They were able to say something that they wouldn’t have really thought about. I spent quite a bit of time in that practice working with the person who was the new practice manager and giving them the benefit of my experience. I was able to, to make money off the field and my my protege, there was able to become very successful at what they were doing.
Brad Singletary (00:39:39):
Wow. There’s so much alpha in that little store. I didn’t, I never knew that. So someone is being offered a job, managing a company, or an aspect of, of a medical practice. They had some insecurities, not sure they could do it. They came to you. They went in the job offer process. They went back and said, if you will hire me and this person as my consultant, I’ll take the job. That is correct. That’s one of the, I know you don’t like my swearing daddy, but that’s one of the most badass things I’ve ever heard right there. And they did it. So a couple of layers of alpha, there there’s someone who says, I want to bite off something here that I’m not sure I can chew. I’ll need some help. And they’re asking for, you’re not only being offered a job you’re saying, hire me and someone else. That is that is so great. And then you, you show up as a consultant, the protege takes your advice becomes hugely successful. That’s that is a cool, cool,
Speaker 6 (00:40:44):
Well, that person happened to be a quick steady. So after just a few months, my services weren’t needed anymore. Cause they were Johnny on the spot. And by the way, that person today supervise as a staff of over a hundred. Wow. So they are very capable.
Brad Singletary (00:41:04):
So a lot of what you’re saying is we’re talking about bringing life. It starts maybe with a conversation you might, you’re talking about some chit chat with the manager, the director, the supervisor, the CEO, and it, it kind of naturally some of your opportunities have naturally flowed out of a conversation. And so many men, I think they just kind of want to, they don’t want to make noise, make waves. They just want to kind of do their work and go home. And they’re miserable. And just like the lady in the grocery store that you just chat and say, hello and hi. And you know, whatever you’re saying, that opportunities have come to you before you didn’t insert yourself and say, listen, I know a better way. And you guys are doing it all wrong. You engage, you create a relationship, they see your sparks flying and they see that you have some capability and some intelligence, and then they, they turn around and give you some, you know, higher levels of responsibility started with a conversation, started with friendliness, started with engagement.
Speaker 6 (00:42:07):
It just seems like I’ve found in my, at least in my experience might not be the same for everybody. But the direct way is often the wrong way. Given the, given the any abilities that I may have are not that important compared to compared to helping other people climb that ladder. And I’m just very, very, it just excites me when they succeed.
Brad Singletary (00:42:39):
There was a story that I heard my mom talking about about, there was a time you worked for free for a long time for a company. And you talk about that. And what that was about, that sounds pretty awful. A long
Speaker 6 (00:42:53):
Time, there was a medical company that had a, they had actually been evicted from their property a few months before I became acquainted with them. And they were hurting financially. They were in the red. I offered to work with them for a period of time without pay in order to be able to help them find the way out. And they agreed to allow me to do that. So after one visit to one of their facilities, I came back and and started doing some reading about something I never knew about before. And it was a way of getting money from Medicare. That was like five times what they were getting. And I even went to the state health agency and talked to them and I came back and put together a program after a little more than a year later, I left their employee as a director of administrative operations because they had suddenly come into money and they paid for before I left the architecture and contracting was finished.
Speaker 6 (00:44:24):
They were, they were under my direction for brand new office building. So they never had to pay rent again. It was a multi million dollar office building by the way. And they paid cash. It was because of a simple billing situation with Medicare. And it was very, I sometimes look for, look for problems in a way that are probably different than most people, I think outside the box and that, you know, that hasn’t always worked out, but most of the time it does because people just seem to be stuck on doing the mundane and what they’ve always done. And when they think outside the box, it turns out that there’s more success there.
Brad Singletary (00:45:22):
Wow. That’s super cool.
Speaker 6 (00:45:25):
Anyway, I did enjoy that. So that thing, and when I left there, it was because I moved out of state. I had other opportunities, but I’ve always looked back on that is just thinking that did the right thing. And this, this, by the way, was a nonprofit organization. They had to spend the money because it’s nonprofit, you know? And so, but just in the course of a year, so they had multiplied many times when they had the Nike, because they, they build it. Right.
Brad Singletary (00:46:00):
You also had an opportunity to work out of the country. Talk about that. Not necessarily the job, but just the decision. Why would you do that kind of thing? What were some of the, the cool opportunities that came along with that?
Speaker 6 (00:46:16):
Well, early on, I I was with a company that had multinational operations and India in Jamaica, and I was placed in charge with the production of those areas. I was the production manager, so I traveled to India and set up operations there that had not been done before then. I worked in Jamaica for a while, helping them solve some software problems. And then along came my vice president one day and said, you know, what we really need to do is we need to put somebody in Jamaica. And by the way, they invited me and my wife to Jamaica, I knew something was up.
Brad Singletary (00:47:05):
Speaker 6 (00:47:06):
They invited us both to go and enjoy a week in Jamaica. And we stayed in a nice hotel and we enjoyed it and we traveled to other, other niches around we were in Montego Bay and for lodging and they had two operational units there total of about 400 employees. The the company wanted me to take charge of those two operations and possibly put them into one, one operation and join those two together. So that’s what we did. And we lived in Jamaica for two years and that was very exciting time. We enjoyed that very much and I still am in touch with one of the, the friends that I made in Jamaica today, this very day that we’re talking I was I was talking about cause he lives in New Jersey now and he’s he’s very nice kid there.
Speaker 6 (00:48:17):
There were several of the Jamaican people when I not two years was up that we were able to get into the United States to work. And some of them are now citizens of the United States. That’s worked out pretty well for them. After the two years, we were able to kind of in keeping with my modus operandi, we were able to have a Jamaican lady become the manager of that whole operation. And previously it had always been somebody who came in there from the outside from the States. So my two years was made up of management training every Saturday, all the supervisors and the managers would meet. And that would be a management training where we would talk about various ways to lead people and that sort of thing. And so out of that came, you know, somebody came forth as the leader of that group. So we left the Jamaican in charge when I left. And I enjoyed that very much.
Brad Singletary (00:49:28):
So what about the decision? I mean, they talk about move to Jamaica. You’re comfortable here in the States. You’ve got your family here, move out of the country, live in a, I guess, is that a third world considered a third world country, you know, li live in this place. You don’t look like you don’t look like anybody who lived lives there. You know, this is a very different life. What an adventure number one, but how did you work through the feelings and the fears and that’s, that’s super alpha to do what you did there. How did you get there?
Speaker 6 (00:49:59):
Well, I think one of the things I learned, I was, I was raised in the South and some of my feelings toward a black race were, I mean, I hope I don’t offend anybody by saying this we’re, we’re kind of real Southern. I felt I felt a little intimidated because I looked around and all of a sudden I’m the minority. And I learned so much just from that simple idea, I’m the minority. My wife would go down to the to the market, right by herself or with a Jamaican friends that we’d met. There weren’t any people there that looked like her. And so I thought she was very brave. Of course, she had her rewards too. We had a gated apartment complex. It would give Dan and it had, there was a pool at our back door. We watched the ships come and go from Jamaica, the Harbor there, Montego Bay.
Speaker 6 (00:51:10):
It was just a very present experience. Most of the time we never had any trouble or any anything that we’d call a crisis or anything like that from living there really enjoyed it a lot. And I think that the key though, is that it sort of set me straight on some of my own upbringing about racism. I learned I, I accepted those folks, all of them that has just peers of mine and that I was the boss, but still they were friends and they still are to this day. And that was 20 years ago or so. And I was just really thrilled with the experience. I don’t know why I’m trying to get all this experience here about the croak. And I still love they get new experiences, but I still got a lot to learn. You know,
Brad Singletary (00:52:14):
One of the things I’ve always admired about you is that you did whatever you could, you did whatever you had to. So there might have been situations in your past where you go to work in a suit and tie, something happens there to that opportunity, that job, the company you worked for, or whether it was your own business or whatever. And the next day you find yourself having to do something different and you’re driving a truck, whatever you had available, whatever was, whatever opportunity showed up, you took it and you committed a hundred percent. That’s something that I’ve really admired is that, you know, things are going to change. The economy changes. Something happens with the company you worked for and your next step may be a step down. You hope that you’re not in that situation, but that has been something you’ve adjusted very well to, with a great attitude.
Brad Singletary (00:53:06):
And you’re just taking advantage of whatever you have. Whatever’s whatever’s within your reach, even being a commercial fishermen, our family, we were, we were crabbers. We, we did that for years. I don’t even know how long exactly, but I remember multiple seasons of that, where we took our little boat and we ran our line of crab traps. And, you know, even after school, my brothers and I, we would go out and this was our, this was our living. And that wasn’t a living like we had been used to it at other times, but it was what we could do. And it was something that worked out. It was what we needed to be. Talk about that the ability to adjust and adapt
Speaker 6 (00:53:52):
To make an all of us are feelings. That number one, we can do anything. I hope that’s everybody’s feeling because I don’t think anybody is, I don’t know this destiny. It’s been hard for me to believe, man, there’s certain destinies that I appreciate. But as far as what we do, as long as we it’s honest and, and, and a worthy, and like you say, it things in the bread there’s nothing wrong with any occupation. I think these jobs that are here for us to, to work, if we, of course, we want to get the best one we can at the moment, but having done that, for example, did not spammy me at all from getting jobs that were very good jobs later on. When we moved back to North Florida, rural North Florida, I’ve been here for about 12 years. When I got here, that was why that my age 64.
Speaker 6 (00:55:05):
So I was 64. I, I, I probably wasn’t going to get on any, first of all, there’s not any executive type companies around here. There’s a where I live now. And so I decided one of the ways that I could bring in a little though was to become a trucker. And that’s when I did that. It was not very popular around my house because my wife didn’t want me gone all the time, but she tolerated it. And she was working also, and, you know, in her career and we kind of traded stories. We sort of felt like that wasn’t a good way to, to be on the, on the endings stroke care. So that maybe what we needed to do is kind of get together all the time. So that’s, that’s what we’ve been doing now for several years and doing other things is trying to enjoy life.
Brad Singletary (00:56:01):
You’ve also done some other things. Like, I don’t know, I don’t know if you still have the bees to do doing some beekeeping. You’ve, you’ve done all kinds of different gardening things and planting and, you know, working your land there. And so many like projects, what, what motivates you to do those kinds of things? Learn something totally new at an old age, take on some new thing, never done. What what’s that all about?
Speaker 6 (00:56:25):
Well, I don’t know. I philosophically and scientifically, I love bees. I know that bees bring us a living and without them, and they arrested me dying off, you know, but without them agriculture, as we know, it would not exist. They pollinate and crosspollinate and all that stuff. And they’re very important to our survival as a people. So I said, well, I could do that. So I got a couple of, couple of hives of bees and unfortunately me being off, doing other things and being too busy and so forth, my bees finally left me. Yeah, I wasn’t feeding them enough sugar water, but during that same time, I I’ve planted some citrus trees. In this part of Florida and North Florida, the climate has never been, it never felt that this was a good place to have citrus, but on this property, there’s been orange trees for about the last 30, 35 years. Those are two that I planted before, before coming back here the last 10 years. And so out, back by my Creek, I planted some more, another orange tree and a Tangerine tree and a grapefruit tree and the tree and a pear tree and some grapes. And we, we
Brad Singletary (00:58:11):
Like a fruit salad over there.
Speaker 6 (00:58:13):
Yeah. Until just recently, I had grapefruit on my tree last fall. And, and now there’s little grapefruit about twice the size of a log roller, you know, a big marble about twice that size or my grapefruit, right. And around there, they’re growing so out. It won’t be long before we’ll have more great food and they’re just loaded. So you can grow grapefruit in North Florida.
Brad Singletary (00:58:47):
It’s interesting. You’re talking about bees and you know, you’re saying philosophically and scientifically. You’re what I like about that is that you’re connected to the things that make the earth. You’re talking about something that holds the whole world together bees. And although you’re not doing that anymore, it’s something you wanted to experiment with. It’s something you said, Hey, I can, I can get a beehive going here. And I love that adventuresome experimental, like play with life a little bit, play with nature, learn, see if you can grow a fruit in a place that nobody says you can grow a fruit there. There’s something really neat about that. Why?
Emory Singletary (00:59:26):
Well like that adventure isn’t you you’ll have to ask your mother what she thinks.
Brad Singletary (00:59:36):
Oh my goodness. I’ve got a couple more questions here for you. One is, so you talked about some lessons that you learned from your father. What about from your wife’s father? I know you guys were married at a young age. You’ve lived, you know, when he was alive, you lived around him and there was lived live nearby, and there was a lot of involvement with him. And what about manhood lessons? Did you learn from your wife’s dad? Father-In-Law
Emory Singletary (01:00:07):
Well, he was a beekeeper and had a lot of bees and he would take his bees to, to the citrus groves and South Florida once a year or so, and leave him there for a while. And that would help the citrus growers. And it also helped him gather up some honey. So everybody was happy. So I was always kind of impressed with his entrepreneurship there. He also was an insurance executive and he owned, owned some land and, and so forth. And so he was a pretty good seller. He treated his kids pretty well. My father-in-law was as a man’s man, he might say he liked to hunt and fish and you had a boat and he would go out and catch mullet fish in a net that was kind of the the staple around here. If you could get a few melons and, and some swamp cabbage, man, you’re in hog heaven there, you know? And so he was a supplier of some of that.
Brad Singletary (01:01:27):
I’m going to ask you one last question here, as we wrap this up, we may need to do another, another episode with you at some point, because I think there’s just so many topics that I would love to hear more about from you personally, but I think other men could learn from that too. But if you could summarize a few things that you want, your sons and grandsons and now great grandsons to know about being a man, what is that?
Emory Singletary (01:01:52):
I think the biggest thing is just if my children are honest, true, or trusted, and they have a relationship with God that’s reflected by their lives, that would be, that would be worthwhile. That would be something I would wish for them. Of course, I’d also like to see them have a good family life that I might see them employed and work that is important. I’d like to see them
Speaker 6 (01:02:20):
In a happy home relationship with the posterity that that makes him as proud as as I am a vine. And I am, I love my tribe, my kids, I love my wife. I, I want to be everything I can be for her. And hopefully make some examples for my kids. I’m very error prone sometimes in my relationships. I, I hope to gradually work all that out before I croak. And I’m sure that there’s one thing that I, I don’t go around. I don’t wear my religion on my sleeve, but there’s one thing that I really, really hope is true about most religions that is forgiveness by a loving God. And that, that whenever I go on to meet pain and on earth, that I’ll be, I’ll be able to have some reward. It won’t be because I’ve earned it necessarily, but because I’ve came down on him to make up the difference.
Speaker 6 (01:03:45):
And I’m hoping that that’s what happened. I’m very aware these days about things I do wrong about mistakes I made and I strive to overcome them and be a better man. I think that if all of my kids, if all of my people that observe me from time to time and pay attention to, to me and my teachings, if they, if they to get anything, anything from all this discussion, it would be that, that we hopefully will all love one another and do what is right. And if that’s the case, this would be a very happy existence. And that’s what I,
Brad Singletary (01:04:43):
Well, thank you so much for your time. It’s been too long since you and I have talked and here we were here about an hour and a half, just talking about meaningful things in life. You know, one of the things that we teach men that they should do is have other good men around them. And that may be friends that may be family members. I happen to have a very good father. I know not everyone has that. Some don’t have a person. They could call dad at all. Some fathers weren’t present or maybe have passed on. If you, if your dad is talk to him and ask him questions, I remember feeling very humble as a probably 18 or 19 year old. And I took a drive of my dad and we had a, probably an hour long drive somewhere. And I said, teach me.
Brad Singletary (01:05:31):
And I just want him to teach me some things. And I haven’t always been that humble and interested in what he had to share. But as you can see here, here’s a person who’s lived three quarters of a century. He’s done all kinds of different things and met all kinds of people and has experienced wins and losses. And he can share some things with me. Same is true with my brothers. I have four, three, excuse me, three very capable brothers. And they’ve had to punch me in the mouth before. Sometimes literally, sometimes it’s it’s critique. And if I’m open to that, that’s what helps me be a better man. But I’ve got to tell the truth about what I’m doing and who I am and the mistakes that I’m making. And some of the best feedback I’ve ever gotten have come from my father, my uncles, my grandfather, my brothers, and now my friends here locally that have more access to in contact with you, need men in your life.
Brad Singletary (01:06:31):
And they’re all around you. If you don’t have a father figure that you can trust in and that you can learn from, I can bet you there’s a neighbor. I can bet you there’s a man in your church. I can bet you there’s a person somewhere in your circle who can share some wisdom with you. We need that. And that is how humans have survived all these centuries and all these thousands of years is learning from other people. What not to do. I appreciate my time here with my dad. Hey, hope you all have a happy father’s day, hoping to get this episode published before then, appreciate you being with us. Appreciate your trying to alpha up until next time. Take care of yourselves and find some good men around you that you can lean on and find some other men who need to lean on you.
Brad Singletary (01:07:26):
Take care of brothers. We’ll see you soon. Hey, thanks for listening to another episode of the alpha corm show. We believe that men changed their lives by engaging with a tribe to improve their actions, attitudes, and attributes. You can check out the show notes on our website at alphaquorum.com. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. And please leave us a rating and review wherever you listen to our show. Hey, this is a podcast not therapy. So even though we may feature professionals on the show, this is not intended as therapeutic advice. If you need someone to talk to please reach out to us and we can get you pointed in the right direction until next time
Speaker 3 (01:08:10):
Gentlemen, you are the alpha.
Brad Singletary (01:08:14):
Yes, the alpha quorum.