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A REVIEW OF KING, WARRIOR, MAGICIAN, LOVER (PART 2)
Men are faced with unique challenges and many of our failures come from operating with “boy psychology” instead of the mature and evolved “man psychology”. We often find ourselves asking “what kind of men should we be?” There are many perspectives about healthy masculinity and even more widely varying ideas of what it means to “be an alpha.” Today my 3 ALPHA guests and I begin a 6-episode series on our review of the book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, who describe the difference between boy psychology and man psychology and give a very effective model of healthy manhood by helping guys rediscover the archetypes of mature masculinity: the KING, the WARRIOR, the MAGICIAN, and the LOVER.
In this episode we discuss the archetype of the KING, and the dysfunctional, biploar shadows of the TYRANT and the WEAKLING.
“In any moment of sadness, loneliness, emptiness, uncertainty, or discomfort, ask yourself this.
What does my King say?
The King is that gentle wise loving elder within you, who connects you directly to an all-knowing and all-loving source.
To cultivate him, to know him, ask the question again and again, day in and day out. Ask it regarding your relationship. Ask it regarding your work. Ask it regarding parenting.
Keep asking until you get an answer. Keep asking until you know your King like a trusted guide and a good friend.
Keep asking until you have confidence that you can stay true to yourself in all moments, when your light is bright and when it is dim.
And when the desire arises to avoid what you fear, fill emptiness, eliminate loneliness, or cling to anything or anyone, ask the question.
You will feel a fullness, a knowing, a wisdom within that was always there but unknown until now.
And once you have cultivated yourself in asking, you will become the all-loving and all-knowing King yourself, with no neurosis, no self-betrayal, and peace within.
And you will notice he is you and you are him.
So ask yourself now and in the days to come. Make it part of your daily practice.
What does my King say?
And listen deeply within.”
CLINT ALBRIGHT, MFT-I
Clint enjoys working with couples, families, and individuals from all walks of life and backgrounds. Clint has experience and interest in working with trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, couples issues, and other issues that can create adversity. He believes individuals are the experts of their own lives, and by working together, clients can find new solutions and new perspectives to resolve those issues.
Clint focuses on helping couples by using an Emotionally Focused therapeutic approach to heal relationships. Clint saw first-hand growing up how hard relationships can be with his parents’ impending divorce. He realized the power of therapy, however, when he saw how it healed their relationship, leading to its rebirth and the remarriage of his parents. Clint understands that relationships take a lot of work and knows that communication breakdown leads to a sense of isolation. He helps clients understand the negative cycles in which relationships often fall victim, and works together with couples to help resolve past attachment injuries while building stronger connections.
Clint also understands how trauma can affect our lives and how it can alter our feelings about everything. Clint lost his father in a plane crash as a teenager, and he survived the Route 91 shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. These experiences have helped shape his understanding that traumatic experiences can hinder our lives and make us withdraw from the world. For trauma-impacted clients, Clint uses a Attachment Focus Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapeutic approach to help reduce the intensity and frequency of emotions associated with past trauma.
Emotionally Focused Therapy Externship
Emotionally Focused Therpay Core Skills
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Dealing with Addiction
Introduction to Gottman Method Couple Therapy
Grief: The Long And Winding Road
Certifications & Trainings
Memberships & Affiliations
Delta Kappa Zeta | Vice President March 2019 – Present
National Society of Leadership and Success Sept 2018 – Present
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) Sept 2019 – Present
Brad Singletary (00:00):
Men are faced with unique challenges. And many of our failures come from operating with boys’ psychology instead of the mature and evolved man psychology. We often find ourselves asking what kind of men should we be? There are many perspectives about healthy masculinity and even more widely varying ideas of what it means to be an alpha today. My three alpha guests and I continue six episode series on our review of the book King warrior, magician lover, I Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. They described the difference between boy psychology and man psychology. If a very effective visual model of healthy manhood by helping guys rediscover the archetypes of mature masculinity. In this episode, we discuss the King.
Brad Singletary (01:20):
Welcome back to the alpha quorum show. Brad Singletary here. I’m joined once again by my awesome alpha guests, Jay, Jim, and Clint really appreciate you guys being here. We’re continuing the conversation about this book review and this isn’t so much about the book, but just talking about issues related to men. The questions that we’re going to answer today are what is the King archetype expressed in its fullness? What are some relatable examples of men living this way? What does it look like when a man is operating from tyrant energy? What does the weakling act like? And how can a man fully access the King energy within himself? This segment is about living life as a man with the energy of a King. One special thing about the King archetype is that he embodies all of the other mature masculine energy. He’s also a warrior. He’s also a magician.
Brad Singletary (02:17):
He’s a lover. This episode is about leadership. So what is the King archetype you guys expressed in its fullness? This is the pinnacle of the pyramid, the King. What does a King like?
He listens, he’s strong, he’s giving compassionate.
Brad Singletary (02:38):
You know, that’s something that I think is important here is that he’s not just a leader who gets things done, but he understands his people. He understands their need he’s. He can, if he can love,
He’s able to bring order to chaos that in a chaotic event, he’s the one that has the sound mind. He’s able to make those decisive decisions, bring calm to that Chaos.
Clint Albright (03:02):
He’s also able to kind of control what is inside and outside of his realm of control is able to have that locus of control, where he recognizes, where he needs to grow and kind of challenges themselves to be the best version of himself.
Brad Singletary (03:18):
I like it, it talks about he himself is centered. That’s kind of some of what you’re talking about, but a lot of times it’s where the King sat was literally in the center of the world. And the world was his kingdom, you know, the boundaries of his kingdom. And he was the center of it. All things kind of came from him. He’s center. He himself is centered as a, as a man.
They also possess that practical wisdom from experiences. You know, they, they have the knowledge of how to do it the right way at the right time and for the right reasons that they have that through their experiences. I like it
Brad Singletary (03:56):
That he’s a negotiator, you know, he mens broken relationships. He can, he’s got to deal with people, maybe other Kings and other leaders of other armies and whatever’s going on. And so he, he can mend relationships with people I’m sure in his own court, you know, in his own family, the King energy is also maybe father energy. I thought that was interesting.
Yeah. Like what Jay said about being calm and that helps us not to be reactive and making these impulsive decisions that to snowball into greater problems. These are also the type of people that embodied leaving a legacy. They IM they not only empowering themselves, but they make sure that the people around them they’re able to empower them. And so that they realize their mortality. And when they move on, there’s a newer life that’s going to be there and take over.
Brad Singletary (04:48):
One of the words in the book was, is generative. And that really means looking after the next generation. So Lehman and legacy. Yes. He’s not just thinking about what’s cool right now, he’s thinking about far down the road, what’s going to be good for the kingdom long after I’m gone
Brad Singletary (05:05):
Yeah, he’s a visionary.
Brad Singletary (05:10):
One of the things I like is it talked about he blesses the lives of others and the King was seen as connected. Maybe even to God, there was some kind of connection to the divine or whatever, and that he would bless people and would give gifts. He would recognize and honor other people. I’ve got a couple of quotes here from the book that are just powerful and think about this wherever you are, whatever in whatever way, you’re a leader in whatever way you interact with other people, think about how this could apply to you. The good King, always mirrored and affirmed others who deserved it. He did this by seeing them in a literal sense in his audiences, at the palace and in the psychological sense of noticing them, knowing them and their true, the good King, delighted in noticing and promoting good men to positions of responsibility in his kingdom.
Brad Singletary (06:04):
He held audience primarily not to be seen, but to see admire and delight in his subjects, to reward them and be so honors upon them. And that just, it gives me goosebumps, you know, talk about the father energy. Another thing in there kind of related to this is it’s talking about young men and what boys are missing. The authors say young men today are starving for blessing from older men, starving for blessing from the King energy. This is why in many cases they cannot, as we say, get it together. They shouldn’t have to, they need to be blessed. They need to be seen by the King because if they are something inside, we’ll come together for them. That is the effect of blessing it heals and makes whole that’s what happens when we are seen and valued and concretely rewarded or our legitimate talents and abilities and the young men need to be seen.
Brad Singletary (07:02):
And we’re all just looking for validation. We’re all just looking for significance and whatever strengths you guys have. I’m willing to bet a large part of that comes from having been seen by a mature masculine. Someone saw you, someone said, Jay, you’re a stud you know, Jay, you would be great as a teacher, Jay, you should go to college. Jay, you’re a good dude, Jay, you’re a good dad. People are affirming your worth. Someone did that for you. It would have been in your profession. Could have been, your dad could have been other family members, teachers, coaches. What do you think of that? I want to take a minute to talk about that King blesses. You know, he sees the good things in his
For me is deep because it, once I was recognized, it inspired me to show that appreciation and let these up and comers know their worth and know that their potential is infinite. And just like you said, blessing them, but also helping them along the way when they succeed and letting them know that. So it just, that inspiration for me is, is very big. We see it, especially as a teacher and a coach, you see it quite a bit. And especially at the junior high level, it’s such an interesting time period anyway in their life. And they’re trying to they’re on that prefaces of childhood and adulthood and moving into all of that stuff and, and having the ability to give them praise and, and show them that they’ve been seen and helped develop them and help move them through that. And, you know, as a coach, leading by example, but also giving them that positive feedback and how much that, that would further them along in their growth.
Brad Singletary (08:48):
It’s, it’s powerful stuff.
Clint Albright (08:49):
I mean, coming from my own upbringing and everything, there was a time where I was a lot of stuff for my father passed away and I craved finding to be seen. I’m trying to find where I sit in this, in this world and in this realm and how I can become who I am. And I’m very blessed that I had some very inspirational, like male figures kind of come into my life and it was just show me the ropes. What does it mean to be an emotional man, how to sh go camping and enjoy nature as it is, and then take a moment to be present with yourself. It’s so important. I think for especially boys who don’t feel like they’re seen to find that, that space in their life to feel like they’re seen and they’re valued and they’re being validated.
And it was like being an elder. I think there’s something very satisfying to give that blessing, to inspire, to let someone know that, you know, their potential is infinite. It’s to me, it’s very satisfying.
Brad Singletary (09:48):
It’s also modeling to them because they’re going to be a man, whether they are a boy or they’re a young man, they’re going to be in a fatherly role. They’re going to be in a leadership role. One of my first important real adult jobs was I talked to this guy was on his way to retirement. And I said, tell me, one thing that’s made the most difference in your career had been doing it about 40 years. This world is therapy war, but he was a, like a director of an agency. And I said, tell me one thing that, you know, you’ve learned is most important. He said, catch him doing it, right. Catch them doing it right like that. And I just, I try to do that with my kids, anybody I’m working with, I just want to reflect back. I want to hold up the mirror and say, you’re amazing.
Brad Singletary (10:31):
You got a great sense of humor. Look at those abs. I say that to my, I only got one kid with six boys. Only one guy got a six pack, but anyway, telling them what they are telling them, what their gifts, their talents, what examples, when you talk about when, when I was seeing like, what examples happened to you, what was the thing that said, I see you Clint, you know, you’re valuable. What was the message or the, you know, the display of like appreciation toward you that made you feel validated by a mature man?
You know, someone in my industry who I had a lot of respect for, you know, his knowledge and then him letting me kind of go out on my own and start doing work for myself and learning from my lessons, you know, rights and wrongs. And then, you know, like you said, seeing you, and then giving you the praise when you did right, was what’s everything. It gave me like the strength to know that I can do this. Like I can continue to just grow from that inspiration. He gave me that’s awesome.
Clint Albright (11:38):
You know, for, for me, it was getting like the, the validation from my grandfather, because I looked up to him a lot after my dad passed away. And he was huge. He was a president of a major corporation, like had this huge long legacy and he had so much experience. And it was just great when he came after me, up to me, after my dad passed and you know, said, you know, Clint, you’re going to be fine. We’re going to be here to support you. We’re, you know, I see you. I just want the best for you. So whatever I need to do to be there for you, just let me know. And just even just that small little act made me feel empowered to kind of go out into the world and kind of take risks and start learning myself and kind of come back to him for when I needed that guidance or that support or that wisdom. That’s awesome.
Brad Singletary (12:24):
It could be a grandfather could be someone in your profession. You might be that guy, yourself, Jay, anything come to mind about how you were seen and validated as a worthwhile young man.
I think growing, growing up with a father who was also a teacher and a coach, he was pretty intense. And so he was someone that, you know, I always strive to try to, you know, make happy or, or impress. And so growing up and then being able to have him take me under his wing, he was a track coach and, and finding some success myself in that kind of getting that validation for him. And when your chips are down and, and you’re, you’re struggling, he had a way of just being able to pull you off to the side and talk to you about, you know, he was always fair, but firm, you know, he would, if we screwed up, he got after us, but then he explained why. And so there was always that second component of, Hey, I’m going to get after you, but I’m also going to show you that I love you and that, you know, you can do this.
And it always gave me that motivation to continue to just strive and do better. I like what you said, he pulled you aside and we’ll have that talk with you. I, I definitely believe in some of us refer to as PIP and dip. We praise in public and we discipline in private. And I think that so important. I teach that to a lot of guys coming up underneath me that you know, when there’s recognition that everyone know, you know, but when you got to discipline them, you’ve got to pull them aside. You can’t embarrass them in front of everyone. It really hurts your self-esteem and you’re doing nothing, but you’re breaking that man down. And for me, I’m here to lift these men up. So holding them aside is important. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, you have that tribe, if it’s it’s at work or is it as a coach or as a psychologist with your clients is yeah. You have to make, you have to find ways to, to pick them up and embrace them, but also make it fun. You know, I noticed that with, with coaching that when we had a lighthearted side of it also, and so that it wasn’t always go, go, go, go, go. But they could actually learn to enjoy it. Is when they found their most success.
Brad Singletary (14:31):
One of the things I think is cool about King energy is that you’re not basking in your own power. You know, you’re not parading around. Look at me, check me out now they’re fancy. You know, they got rings and crowns and all this stuff, but it’s not about that Jeffrey. So, but he’s making other people feel powerful. Think about the, that you’ve known in the ma masculine folks in your life who gave you that it wasn’t that they were this power and you were just leaching onto their power. They made you feel powerful. They told you what your power was like, that’s the sign of a true leader. If you asked me, so what are some examples of, you know, popular figures or people that guys may relate to? None of us know any Kings maybe, but who lives that energy that we know of?
Brad Singletary (15:18):
One, I guess for me is Ronald Reagan. I grew up with Ron Reagan. I remember being, you know, six or seven years old. And it was always like, Oh, the president’s on. You know, my dad would want to watch. And again, this is nothing having to do with anything political, but he was a pleasant leader. It was someone who had some charm and charisma. He was decisive. He made things important. Things happen in the world, made important things happen in the United States, United people. You hear people talk about, you know, Reagan Democrats. I read a quote recently where he said, you know, I decided to do this because even the Democrats don’t like what’s going on. And his point, his point was, I want to, I want to help everyone. He wanted to bless everyone no matter what their position was. And I think he was just a great example in my lifetime with somebody who embodied that.
Brad Singletary (16:08):
Another one for me, who kind of lives this way is Tony Robbins. I like him because I know that he has prepared. I think he has a high school education, but he’s educated himself. He talked about reading, like thousands of books. He went to teach and, and present the things that he’s learned to other people. I know that he kind of lived a lot of what he teaches. He lived that integrity. Somebody I read somewhere or saw something that he like for 25 years didn’t eat ice cream. Or he was like a vegan for 20 some, whatever he was doing. He did that. So strictly it was actually his current wife who tried to help him loosen up with some of that. Like, dude, it’s okay. I have some ice cream sometime, but he was trying to live, you know what he said, he believed enthusiastic teacher, great energy, all those architects remember the King really to be a King. You gotta be all of those. So to me, Ronald Reagan, Tony Robbins, those are two people that I think are cool that way. Anybody else have any popular figures? You know
Clint Albright (17:10):
I put Captain America whether in the comic books or in the movies and stuff, he just always seems like a very principled man kind of always looking out for everyone else. Making sure the team’s kind of taken care of has a sense of selflessness that you’ll always kind of put himself up first, you know, living with integrity, living with accountability. Always trying to challenge himself to grow.
I’m going to dip into a little bit of Kansas history here since that’s where I went to school, but had an awesome opportunity to work with the football coach at Kansas state. His name is Bill Snyder and he came from Iowa and then came down to pretty much the worst college football program in America at the time. And he developed 16 core values or core traits for success. And he posted those in the locker room. And he, you know, he led by example, he led by integrity and these core values and it was, he praised him. He praised his athletes more than he would praise himself. And he wanted them to be good, successful men, not just good football players, some of those qualities were unselfishness, unity, integrity. Self-Discipline, you know, never give up attitude, no self limitations consistency, leadership and taking responsibility. So he, he had those, he posted them in the locker room. He knew his realm. He knew what his core values were and he never deviated from those.
Brad Singletary (18:44):
I’m sure they followed that they were inspired by not just him teaching them that, but showing it to them without his words, without the poster, they felt that from him. And it sounds like, you know, he had that father energy, a King energy, and they followed him because he was aligned. He was living congruently with what he already was trying to tell.
Yeah, you look, you look at it. You know, he, he had his own elders in his coaching tree and you look at the people that followed behind him. You talk about leaving a legacy and you look at the number of people that have come up, went on and been coaches after him or because of him, it’s pretty impressive. Yeah. I think a lot of coaches embody that they have a lot of King like attributes and like that coach there, he left and he left a legacy. Definitely. Yeah. That’s awesome. So looking at the bipolar
Brad Singletary (19:36):
Or shadows of the King, we have the tyrant and the weak link. I want to talk about those. I want to talk about those and see what they may look like. What are their characteristics? So the tyrant, that’s the over-achieving dysfunctional shadow of the King tyrant that says a lot. He destroys, he tears down other people or other one of the things is a tyrant doing
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Great, have a new experiences due to the unknown threat or the lack of security himself or inner structure. Dude. You’re, he’s good.
Brad Singletary (20:13):
He’s smarter than me. I had, I don’t know if I liked that. I, I think I I’m feeling a little threatened over here. Right? How you saying he has more potential than you? There’s a possibility saying, man, this guy, you know, he’s like I’m 45 years old, man. I feel puffy. Pushy. I’m feeling challenged a little bit. No, seriously. I love that. Read it again because it’s layered in it’s there’s a lot of information.
Clint Albright (20:36):
So, you know, he’s, he’s afraid of new experiences you use wants to stay in the familiar because that’s what he can control. But due to whenever, you know, an unknown threat comes in, he lacks security to move himself and his inner structures. He’s very rigid in himself. Without deviation.
Brad Singletary (20:56):
So controlling, insecure, fearful of new situations. So he does what he knows how to do, which is push people around rules, by fear, those types of people, it be kind of narcissistic, you know, that’s a shallow ego and a fragile ego, but believes he’s special.
Yeah. He’s kind and nice to your face, but then he’s cruel and backstabbing when you’re not around for his own gain.
Brad Singletary (21:25):
That’s some girl right there in one of the earlier shows Derek Johnson talked about, you know, women sometimes will, there’ll be nice to your face and talk about you behind your back. Men will talk to your face and talk nice about you behind your back. So that’s, that’s interesting.
Well, I’ve definitely seen it in guys in my
Brad Singletary (21:45):
I’m into it too. Sorry. I didn’t mean to be sexist about that, but what else is a tyrant light?
Clint Albright (21:52):
They have a underlying rage that is based in a worthlessness and vulnerability to weakness,
Brad Singletary (21:59):
Rage, underlying rage based on weakness. And what’d you say, vulnerability
Speaker 4 (22:05):
Based on worthlessness and vulnerability to weakness.
Brad Singletary (22:08):
Vulnerability to weakness. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
You’re saying there’s like an underlying worthlessness
Speaker 4 (22:14):
Because he doesn’t know himself. He doesn’t care to know himself. He’s only projecting this false sense of security to everyone else because he himself is insecure
Brad Singletary (22:25):
Showing strength, not having any he’s abusive with his words, physically abusive, maybe sexually abusive. You know, he he’s, he takes what he wants. There was a guy in one of my men’s groups. The other day we were talking about an often discussed. The question is, why won’t she have sex with me? And how can I get more sex from my woman? And this guy said, sometimes you just got to take it. And sometimes you’ve got to take her. And I get that. Sometimes there may be a little bit of, you know, a little bit of spontaneity and a little bit of some of that maybe that shows up in the lover and you know exactly when to do that and exactly how, but this guy w the way it was being described, it seemed a little power hungry, a little selfish. You just take it like you just do that when she’s not down. I don’t know that that really kind of bothered me. And I think too many men want to walk around showing power. They have none. They don’t know themselves. I love you talking about, they don’t know who they are, they’ll know their own strengths
Clint Albright (23:24):
And kind of go into that father energy within the King tyrant duality is the father lacks interest in his sons and exploits their weakness and does not show up for their sons in the way that they need. So, you know, the angry father who stays angry, teaches his son to only be angry. And it’s just this continuous.
Brad Singletary (23:46):
Yeah, it’s a, it’s
A cycle. You know, when you see that in domestic violence, you see that it’s normally, if there’s a man who is violent and sometimes it’s a women too that, that it’s, it’s a history. It’s a pattern that they have, have seen that in their own fathers and then have carried it on in their own, right?
Clint Albright (24:02):
Because all they know is internal rage, anger, resentment, and lack of identity.
Brad Singletary (24:07):
Remember, we’re talking about not if we demonstrate these things, but how we do it. Another concept that’s repeated in the book is that we alternate between these bipolar shadows. You know, I got to say like, I’m a father of six boys and too many times I become the tyrant. And I have to tell you guys, literally since reading this book and really digging into it this year 2021, that really made it a focus for myself. I catch myself, I pause a little bit sometimes, you know, I can, I can I’m just trying to align myself with the better part of me, but I, I do. I go from tyrant, you know, I’m yelling, swearing, being rude, critical. And you know, I saw some of those things. I, in my past, I had my dad on the, on the show and he talked about some of his weaknesses that carries on with me. And it’s a constant effort for me to not be that. And then, and then if I do that too much, and then I go weak and I let everything go and let it build up and six more weeks ago. And then there’s another kind of explosion like you talked about. So Hey, none of us here, by the way, we’re just dudes talking about some of our own experiences, the things that we observe, what we’re trying to do, we’re not here tooting our own horns.
No, I think that was something that interesting when reading the book was sometimes I operate or a lot of times operate in black and white and that this book really points out that you can, you move between them. You can be the tyrant one day in the weakness and that it’s not all one or the other, you sometimes will move between each of them. And they’re kind of the bipolar opposites of each other.
Clint Albright (25:45):
Right? I think it’s very fluid and kind of based on the quality of your own thoughts every day, you know what, when you wake up every day, what kind of man do you want to portray to your kingdom? You’re constantly thinking about it. You’re constantly recognizing your feelings. You’re constantly, you know, trying to stay calm. You’re constantly trying not to be reactive. It’s it’s Oh, it’s tough.
Brad Singletary (26:09):
Examples of a tyrant. I thought of one, just maybe like, you know, an extreme example of this Adolf Hitler, what was it? 60 million people died under his rule, promised people one thing that he was going to build this grand, this grand culture, this grand, you know, existence and grand kingdom. So to speak kingdom ended up becoming a murderous tyrant. I mean, maybe one of the most evil humans who ever lived. And I think we have to check ourselves and say, how am I being this way? How am I, how am I being attire? How am I being Hitler right now? And hear it in our voice, we gotta hear it, see it in our motives. And that’s how we correct. Our course is reflect. All right, let’s go to the weak link. What is the weak link act like? This is the passive underachieving shadow of the King, the weekly, what does he do?
Brad Singletary (27:06):
What does he act like? I probably see these a lot more in therapy. And I do the tyrants the times they don’t want to be here. They’re power hungry. They don’t wanna be here. They don’t wanna admit mistakes that they might show up. They come twice. The weakling comes for 14 years and it’s still having a tough time changing. So I see a lot of these people coming in, they feel powerless. They just don’t have any, they’re not taking a lot of responsibility. Not everyone. Some people definitely are elevating themselves. And I push until they, till they can feel like they can do that. But what’s a weakweakling like?
Started looking at this. What really came to mind is what we talked about earlier that a lot of these weak liens at some point in time, have a point where they snap and jump over to being a tyrant. And that’s where you, you, sometimes you hear it. Well, this person was such a nice person. And then all of a sudden they snapped. And so that’s what really resonated with me was that, you know, they’re, they’re the one who doesn’t stand up for themselves. They get walked over, they’re insecure. They think everybody’s after them. And then one moment, you know, they snap. It’s just because it’s all built up with inside of them. You’re saying they’re playing the victim. Yeah. For me. Why does this always happen to me? Yeah. And that, it just, you know, they, it’s not my fault.
Brad Singletary (28:25):
So how can a man fully access the King energy within himself, a guy shows up and he wants to improve himself. He’s alternating between weakling entire and he doesn’t want to do that anymore. What kinds of things can he do to increase that? You know, the, the benevolent King kind of energy, we talked about the attributes of the King. How does he obtain those?
Speaker 3 (28:50):
Being a good listener, definitely listening to your people and giving real honest feedback. You know, not just flying off the handle, being in the present.
Brad Singletary (29:02):
That’s a tough skill. That’s a tough skill for men, probably everyone from, from my generation and younger. There’s a lot of, I don’t know. I think about the video game era that we’re in and men really seem to have a hard time paying attention. They have a hard time listening, especially if there’s any emotions someone’s upset, we sort of shut down. We’re not even really hearing it. We’re planning. The next thing we’ll say, how do you learn how to listen? You’re not naturally good at that. How does a man learn how to do it? Practice, practice, practice,
And put yourself in those situations and being conscious of it, being present about it, like really need to listen to what, what is this person really saying? I, and stop wandering off. And like some people listen and some people can’t wait to talk. Don’t be that person who can’t wait to talk. Just listen. I mean, even having to re if you have to repeat what the person is saying, just to making sure that you hear them clearly, and that validates that person’s experience and shows you that if you’re a leader, that is really funny. Cause once again, with guys working with me, when I tell them to communicate, it’s like going to a good, fast food place. You’ll tell you your order. They’ll repeat it back. And there’s that communication, right. And exactly what I was going to say. And you’ll get your order. Right. You know, you can be talking to someone and you can tell that they’re not listening because they’re thinking about how they’re going to respond right back to you. And I know, you know, we do it ourselves, especially in relationships when you’re having a discussion or an argument. A lot of times, you’re not listening to that individual. You’re thinking about how you’re going to respond instead of just stopping and fully listening to what they have to say.
Brad Singletary (30:42):
I think a lot of the, a lot of that in terms of listening and communication has to do with your attitude. We’re so defensive. And we think, Oh, here we go. Here we go. Complaints. You know, here’s, here’s something, something that my buddy Mike Spurgeon taught me, taco Mike is pull out some paper and say, hold on a minute. You know, I want to write this. I want to just jot some notes down. I want to make sure I get this that helps them pay attention. That helps them make sure he’s got the thing. So he’ll just write bullet points as they’re talking and he’ll review the list and say, okay, so this, this, this, you know, is there anything else? And I think it’s ed my, let a speaker and an influencer out there. He talks about, you want this data, whoever it is, whatever they’re telling you, you have to believe that you want it. You want to hear what they say. If it’s a complaint, you want to know what it is. It’s important to you ask for it, seek it. So you may have to change your attitude about what they may be saying and realize it’s important for me to know, you know, my wife is complaining to me, it’s in my best interest to listen.
That’s that mindset, right? You can be just annoyed. Oh God, here she goes again. Oh God, this dude every time and you’re not listening, but that’s the, that’s the goals. That’s the skills you have to, you have to constantly think for yourself to be able to listen. If you’re wandering off, Oh, here she goes again. Or here he goes again. You’re not practicing those skills.
Brad Singletary (32:07):
What about, we’ve got something down here about being an effective leader. It includes a lot of that with communication. But what about the guy that kind of says, you know, I’m, I’m, I’m happy to just be a follower. Like I don’t need to be a leader. It’s not my personality. I don’t have a kingdom. I’m not going to be, I’m not going to be a pastor or a CEO. I don’t need to do this. What would you say to that guy?
Speaker 3 (32:28):
You’re the King of your domain. Yeah. Like if you keep with a growth mindset, you know, life is full of adversity. Take time to really understand how the diversity is affecting you. And to use that energy, to empower yourself and others be the examples of growth. So, you know, for the person who doesn’t know how to go out and, or does it feel like they have their own domain, take the time to understand what is the adversity you’re kind of facing? What are the things that have kind of came to you and you and your kingdom and start manifesting your own growth within it.
Brad Singletary (33:02):
I love what you said. You’re the leader of yourself. You’re the King of your life. You don’t have to have a million followers and you know, a big congregation of people that are praising you. You don’t have to be that kind of King. You’re the leader of yourself. That’s your domain
Complacency. Don’t get complacent. It just, you know, you fall behind others are passing you, you’re not growing. It almost seems like a learned helplessness that they haven’t even got out of their own way, value yourself. And that they’ve kind of given up on themselves.
Brad Singletary (33:40):
Yeah. Like in the boys’ psychology, it was talking about their ineptitude is less than honest. So when they say, I don’t need to be that I don’t need to be elite. I don’t need to be some vocal, rah, rah guy or whatever. And yeah. Be yourself, have your own personality and your own strings, but don’t underestimate the impact that you can have. And it may be a very small circle. It may be your little family. It may be the people next to you in your cubicle. It may be people in your community.
It doesn’t have to be on the grand scale. Yeah. You don’t have to be. This small impacts are huge too.
Speaker 4 (34:19):
There’s a quote that I got from the book that I really enjoyed. This was referring to the King. The ego of the man needs to think of itself, not a matter of power status, but as a servant of a transpersonal will or cause it is not, he should, he, who should be benefiting from his actions, but taking an active role in benefiting others within his own domain. Oh, I love that.
Beautiful. I’m going to cry.
Clint Albright (34:45):
You know, even if you’re a King, you should still know what it feels like to be a shepherd so that you can also rise him up so that he can be successful. It’s about sharing your own wealth.
Brad Singletary (34:57):
There’s humility too. That’s another one of those things that the strong men out there actually have a great deal of humility. Maybe that’s remembering their humble beginnings and remembering empathizing with what it’s like to be that person here’s this little 18 year old apprentice or whatever who’s coming to me and he’s complaining. And like, what, what’s it like to be him? I had a couple of thoughts here just to close out this episode. One is a long quote, the King archetype and its fullness possesses the qualities of order of reasonable and rational, patterning of integration and integrity in the masculine, psyche, it stabilizes chaotic emotion and out of control behaviors. It gives stability and center. It brings calm and then it’s fertilizing and centeredness it mediates vitality, life force and joy. It brings maintenance and balance. It defends our own sense of inner order, our own integrity of being and purpose our own central calmness about who we are and our essential unassailability certainty and our masculine an identity.
Brad Singletary (36:10):
It looks upon the world with a firm, but kind, I sees others in all their weaknesses and in all their talent and worth it, honors them and promotes them. It guides them and nurtures them toward their own fullness of being it is not envious because it is secure as the King and its own worth it words and encourages creativity in us and in others. This is the energy that expresses itself through you when you’re able to keep your cool. When everyone else in the meeting is losing theirs. This is the voice of calm and reassurance, the encouraging word in a time of chaos and struggle. This is the clear decision after careful deliberation that cuts through the mess in the family at work in the nation, in the world. This is the energy that seeks peace and stability, order growth and nurturing for all people.
Brad Singletary (37:10):
And not only for all people, but for the environment, the natural world, the King cares for the whole realm and is the steward of nature. As well as of human society. I stole this last part here from another men’s group online. And it’s about how we can really go about the problems of our life. Trying to access this King energy. Leave you with this guys in any moment, sadness, loneliness, emptiness, uncertainty, or discomfort. Ask yourself this. What does my King say? The King is that gentle wise, loving elder within you, who connects you directly to an all-knowing and all loving source to cultivate him, to know him, ask the question again and again again, day in and day out, ask you regarding your relationship, ask it regarding your work, ask it regarding parenting. Keep asking until you get an answer. Keep asking until, you know, your King, like a trusted guide and a good friend.
Brad Singletary (38:17):
Keep asking until you have confidence that you can stay true to yourself in all moments when your light is bright. And when it is dim, when the desire arises to avoid what you fear, fill emptiness, eliminate loneliness, or cling to anything or anyone ask the question, you will feel a fullness, a knowing wisdom within that was always there, but unknown until now. And once you have cultivated yourself and asking, you will become the all loving and all-knowing King yourself with no neurosis, no self betrayal and peace within, and you will notice he is you and you are him. So ask yourself now and in the days to come make it part of your daily practice. What does my King say? And listen deep within you. (Stuart Motola)
This is such an honor to be sitting here with you. I’m learning so much from you, this study of this book and all the things that we’ve discussed here are just have been really helpful to me. I’m just a dirt bag. I’m just white trash with a job who’s trying to help people. And I want to improve myself and improve my life. That’s the whole purpose of the alpha quorum. Thanks for being part of this till next time. No excuses, ALPHA UP.