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A REVIEW OF KING, WARRIOR, MAGICIAN, LOVER (PART 3)
Part 3 of 6
Men are faced with unique challenges and many of our failures come from operating with “boy psychology” instead of the mature and evolved “man psychology”. We often find ourselves asking “what kind of men should we be?” There are many perspectives about healthy masculinity and even more widely varying ideas of what it means to “be an alpha.” Today my 3 ALPHA guests and I continue a 6-episode series on our review of the book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, who describe the difference between boy psychology and man psychology and give a very effective model of healthy manhood by helping guys rediscover the archetypes of mature masculinity: in this episode we discuss the WARRIOR.
- What is the WARRIOR archetype, expressed in its fullness?
- What are some relatable examples of men living this way?
- What does it look like when a man is operating from SADIST energy? And relatable examples?
- What does the MASOCHIST act like? And relatable examples?
- How can a man fully access the WARRIOR energy within himself?
Many people are pretty uncomfortable and uneasy about the “warrior” form of masculine energy. Most of the time, that is because they have only encountered the negative side of that…the abusive shadow side of the warrior in us has victimized far too many people. If a man’s warrior energy is repressed, it just keeps flowing underground and unchecked it erupts into verbal and emotional and physical violence. The archetypes are patterned in us. There is no ignoring it because eventually it surfaces. The key is to understand which of these energies is present and mindfully choose the discipline of the warrior within.
CLINT ALBRIGHT, MFT-I
Clint enjoys working with couples, families, and individuals from all walks of life and backgrounds. Clint has experience and interest in working with trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, couples issues, and other issues that can create adversity. He believes individuals are the experts of their own lives, and by working together, clients can find new solutions and new perspectives to resolve those issues.
Clint focuses on helping couples by using an Emotionally Focused therapeutic approach to heal relationships. Clint saw first-hand growing up how hard relationships can be with his parents’ impending divorce. He realized the power of therapy, however, when he saw how it healed their relationship, leading to its rebirth and the remarriage of his parents. Clint understands that relationships take a lot of work and knows that communication breakdown leads to a sense of isolation. He helps clients understand the negative cycles in which relationships often fall victim, and works together with couples to help resolve past attachment injuries while building stronger connections.
Clint also understands how trauma can affect our lives and how it can alter our feelings about everything. Clint lost his father in a plane crash as a teenager, and he survived the Route 91 shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. These experiences have helped shape his understanding that traumatic experiences can hinder our lives and make us withdraw from the world. For trauma-impacted clients, Clint uses a Attachment Focus Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapeutic approach to help reduce the intensity and frequency of emotions associated with past trauma.
Emotionally Focused Therapy Externship
Emotionally Focused Therpay Core Skills
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Dealing with Addiction
Introduction to Gottman Method Couple Therapy
Grief: The Long And Winding Road
Certifications & Trainings
Memberships & Affiliations
Delta Kappa Zeta | Vice President March 2019 – Present
National Society of Leadership and Success Sept 2018 – Present
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) Sept 2019 – Present
Brad Singletary (00:00):
Men are faced with unique challenges. And many of our failures come from operating with boys’ psychology instead of the mature and evolved man psychology. We often find ourselves asking what kind of man should we be? There are many perspectives about healthy masculinity and even more widely varying ideas of what it means to be an alpha today. My three alpha guests and I continue a six episode series on our review of the book King warrior magician lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. They described the difference between boy psychology and man’s psychology and give a very effective model of healthy masculinity by helping guys. We discovered the archetypes of mature manhood. In this episode, we discuss the warrior.
Brad Singletary (01:19):
Back to the alpha quorum show. Brad Singletary here, I’m the founder and host of the podcast. Appreciate all of you being here. We have our guests, Jay, Jim, and Clint, back with us again tonight, we’re going to continue our discussion on this book, King warrior magician lover. Tonight, we’re talking about the warrior and the questions that we’re going to answer today are what is the warrior archetype expressed in its fullness? What are some relatable examples of men living this way? What does it look like when a man is operating from sadist energy and what does the masochist act like? And finally, how can a man fully access the warrior energy within himself? This segment is about living life as a man with the energy of a warrior, many people are pretty uncomfortable with the idea of the warrior form of masculine energy. Most of the time, that seems to be because they’ve only encountered the negative aspects of the warrior. That’s the abusive shadow side of the warrior in us, which has victimized far too many people. If a man’s warrior energy is repressed, it just keeps flowing underground. And when it is unchecked, it erupts into verbal and emotional and physical violence. The archetypes are patterned in us. They’re just built in. There’s no ignoring them because eventually they all surface. So the key is to understand which of these energies is present and mindfully choose the discipline of the warrior.
Brad Singletary (03:00):
Welcome back you guys. So just as a means of introduction to the basic topic, civilization is kind of based on war. I mean, we live in the United States of America because of war and different societies. And even in tribal situations, those separations are made because of war. So the book kind of talks about in a way this is necessary. I’m just curious, your thoughts about war as a necessary element of the human experience.
Clint Albright (03:34):
I mean, when you look back at any culture throughout human history there’s always been some sort of warrior class within the tribe that defends the, the tribe who, you know, make sure that they’re protected. So, I mean, I just think this is just a normal kind of part of human culture.
Brad Singletary (03:53):
Okay. I agree with that. So what is the warrior archetype express its fullness. We’re just going to talk about some attributes of the warrior. This is the healthy side. Remember that the triangular, the kind of the pyramid at the top of that is the warrior and then the bipolar dysfunctional shadows beneath and we’ll include the graphic and the, and the website version of this. But what is a warrior? Like what, what is a man when he is fulfilling the healthy warrior energy? You know,
I think one word that comes to mind when you hear warrior is aggressive, not an abusive energy, but one that can usually be used for good, but a lot of times aggressive is associated. It has a negative connotation to it, and it should be a neutral tool that could be used for either good or evil. And so you have the immature man who might pick a fight just to pick a fight. And we see that his relationships will fail. If you, you know, you reign in that aggression too much, you kind of become the prototypical. You know, we need a Mister nice guy, nice guy syndrome. Yeah. Yeah. But the man who’s able to kind of integrate that aggression and harness it for forces that pushes him to compete and he can finish his goals.
Brad Singletary (05:06):
I like that about goals. You know, he has clear direction he’s fighting for, for a cause. Usually this isn’t like even self-defense, and maybe there’s a place for that in here, but really a warrior is a man who is fighting for a cause he has goals. There’s a clear direction. He has clarity about what it is he’s fighting for. There are some ideal that he’s, that he’s trying to protect or defend.
Clint Albright (05:34):
I mean, one thing I like about the warrior and how they discuss it in the book is that he’s willing to suffer to achieve what he’s after. So he’s, he’s very goal oriented. He’s willing to put himself through the paces, his biggest lows in his highest highs to make sure that he obtains that goal.
Brad Singletary (05:53):
Yeah. You said he’s willing to suffer. That’s interesting. That’s an interesting, we, maybe our nature is that we want to avoid suffering. We want to avoid pain, but the warrior, I wonder what that might look like. How, in what ways is he willing to suffer for something greater than himself? He exercises a lot of self control to know it’s easy to just kind of let loose when the adrenaline’s pumping and, and lose sight of the goal. And even in those moments, he’s, he’s exercising. Self-Control I thought you were about to say he exercises a lot and I hit, this is the fit guy in the room here. Is that a fat joke, Jim you’re to right off the bat, we got to talk about exercise. So he fights for what’s right? Again for others’ benefit, not just his own he’s mindful, just alert. Very self-aware
What goes along with mindful is also, they’re not complacent they’re they, you know, they kind of go hand in hand that they’re always mindful. They’re they’re not complacent. They don’t put their guard down, loves the challenge, you know, loves to push himself to the limits and find out what he’s capable of.
Clint Albright (07:14):
He can push himself. And I think there’s a reason why you can’t stay complacent. Cause if he stays complacent too much, he’s going to start thinking about his emotions. And when he starts thinking about his emotions, it can really hijack the warrior experience.
Brad Singletary (07:28):
Yeah. I’ve mentioned that in the book that he doesn’t think too much. It’s interesting because there seems to be a balance between not thinking too much, you know, you’re not complacent, but you’re also not caught off guard. You’re, you’re not, over-analyzing, you’re not paranoid. You’re not thinking that everything’s a battle always ready to fight. Maybe that’s a little bit tough for me to understand that one, help me out on that. That’s a balance. There’s a lot of balance there. Yeah. So the, the overthinking, I think w talked about somewhere in there, it leads to doubt, you know, doubt leads to hesitation and hesitation leads to a lack of action. And I think probably if there’s any core attribute that goes along with warrior, it’s probably action. You know, he’s doing something active and that may be a fight he’s throwing his spear and cutting heads off with his sword or he’s you know, advocating for someone who’s vulnerable. He’s he’s taking action. And so to, to think too much is, is not to act. So, yeah, that’s, that’s a tough balance.
Brad Singletary (08:39):
You gotta be ready to be reactive in a split. Second on the more you think about it, too many scenarios start popping into your head and you’re just gonna make that challenge is so much more difficult. It’s kinda gotta go with the flow, go with the flow, be adaptable, be willing to change direction. I can think, I can imagine in a war type situation, there are probably many times maybe it’s more often than not that you have to adjust the strategy somewhere in there. You know, th this is the plan, here’s the map. This is what we’re going to do. The General’s kind of laying out the the path, but there’s probably some adaptability that has to happen there.
Absolutely. You know, they, they have the, a saying of adapt and overcome. So they might have a plan in the absence of a plan is chaos. But along the way, you have to adapt that and you have to overcome it when that come with like a lot of training. Oh yeah, definitely. You know,
From all the different scenarios, cause you never know what you’re going to come up,
Which you have, you don’t have that training. And then that, that pre-planning then that’s going to cause that hesitation. Cause that doubt,
Brad Singletary (09:53):
I like the part where it talks about he contemplates his mortality. He knows that he could die. That’s one of the differences between, remember in this axis, I guess in the boy psychology and the immature masculine, that’s the hero. So he wants to win. He wants to, he wants to compete. He wants to do all those things, but it’s, it’s all kind of, he doesn’t understand his vulnerability. He doesn’t realize that he’s not Bulletproof. The warrior knows that he can bleed and he can die. And he’s got to, has to be aware of the, of the potential threats, but not overly thinking that not being overly suspicious and paranoid, but just maybe mindful is the word that you’re observant. You’re noticing you can kind of monitor what’s going on around you. And by the way, I guess I recognize that in our day and time, we’re not talking about hand to hand combat.
Brad Singletary (10:50):
That’s probably not going to come up for us. It almost came up for me today at the park. That’s another story. This this dude walked in the bathroom after my son had gone in my five-year-old, went to the bathroom at a park here. And I stayed out at the park with my four year old and there weren’t many people there. So I just let him go to the bathroom by himself. And this guy comes down and he said, Hey, your kid just all over the floor. And, and he’s like, and besides you’re supposed to be wearing a mask. And I said, I’m supposed to be doing whatever I want to be doing. Like w there’s no paper towels in there. What do you want me to do about the pee on the floor? I’m sorry that my five-year-old peed on the bathroom floor.
He’s on his own bathroom floor serious. I’m glad you got that out though. Brian. Thank you. We had a moment.
Brad Singletary (11:40):
So we’re not talking about, you know, who we’re going to shoot today and w what, you know, with the hand to hand combat, or, or even that we’re going to be in any kind of war situation. These, maybe these are kind of psychological battles that we’re going to fight, or these are things that have to do with, you know, our energy on the job or our energy and our family and in our home, I don’t know. W what, what is the warrior even going to do in 2021, that the typical guy, what battles are you facing or does the typical man have to contend with, right.
I think just in general at work or at home and in your relationships is one being present, stepping up to the plate and not being timid and passive, but being present, being there and being that solid rock for if it’s at home or at work being ready to go day in and day out,
Clint Albright (12:32):
I think also just fighting for your own needs and making sure that you’re being proactive and fighting for what you need to kind of either nourish your body or taking care of your psychological mind, whatever it needs to happen so that you stay in shape fit to achieve the goals that you want.
Brad Singletary (12:49):
Yeah. A lot of this is about discipline and decision making the root of the word decision. It’s similar to like scissors or incision. And it’s about cutting. So there may be things that you have to cut out of your life. The book talks about you’re a minimalist. I kind of liked that he travels light rid himself of excess baggage, no fat jokes, please, on that one, guys, a little excess baggage here, but seriously that you can travel light. Like, what does that mean in 2021? We’re not on a horseback, you know, going like Braveheart right now. So what, how do we travel light? What do we cut now? What distractions does the warrior now need to
Financial toys? Sometimes people overextend themselves
Brad Singletary (13:44):
A lot of financial obligations and, you know, it just causes a lot of stress for that, for that person. So,
Clint Albright (13:53):
Because if this is like a need or a want kind of situation.
Brad Singletary (13:56):
Yeah, definitely. So we talked about, he’s trained for battle. He’s prepared for all kinds of different situations. He’s loyal to a cause a cause a God, a people, a task, a nation, something really larger than just individuals. So the boy you remember, that’s the hero. His loyalty is really to himself. He’s trying to impress himself with impressing other people. And the warrior in the mature sense is loyal to something really bigger than himself, but he does have to be disciplined with his mind and body. There’s self-control, he’s got to decide his attitude.
Clint Albright (14:39):
And I think this loyalty really speaks to the, the warrior, especially when we look later on to the bipolar sides and stuff where they don’t have that sense of loyalty, there’s sense of, you know, they’re kind of lost. And so this, I think in return kind of keeps that balance and that regulation that he’s looking for, that he doesn’t overextend into one side or the other that he has, you know, going back to the goal that he’s fighting for something that he truly believes in, that’s also going to help others and help them grow. He’s willing to sacrifice for the greater good.
Brad Singletary (15:12):
Yeah. And it’s interesting when you’re talking about the ideal or the decision that he makes ahead of time about what it is he’s loyal to, that keeps him from being emotionally reactive. That’s something we talked a lot about in the King episode, but if you know that what you’re fighting for is freedom or you’re fighting for some cause or some psychological battle you’re faced with you can stay true to that. You can stay loyal to that and not succumb to like your own emotional pressure. I love the saying. I think it’s Vince Lombardi fatigue makes cowards of us all. And if we’re tired and we’re forgetting what our purpose is, what mission it is that we’re on, we’ll fall into this emotional, like, mess where we can’t make good decisions. So great point there, Clint about loyalty, something you said earlier clan about he’s willing to suffer.
Brad Singletary (16:10):
So he loves challenges difficulty. He welcomes difficulty because he knows he’s going to be stronger for it. And I think about like literally the gym or being physically active. I mean, I don’t know how many times in the last year I’ve tried to get people around me to go on hikes or whatever. And they’re like, why would you do that? Why would you hike like uphill in heat? What are you thinking? And to me, it’s like, just see if I can do it. You know, just, I want to see if I’m going to have a heart attack.
Clint Albright (16:42):
I mean, like, whenever I go, hi, can you start off at the base and be like, with your friends? And you’re like, Oh, this is going to be so much fun. And then you get up about maybe two or three miles and you’re like, why the hell am I doing this? Where’s the escalator. There’s no wifi. I’m ready to fight like one star Yelp review on this. But then once you get through that adversity and you get to the top and you get to enjoy that, that view with, you know, your common friends, it was worth the suffering.
Brad Singletary (17:04):
There’s no better soreness than like the soreness from like a long hike or something physical. I know you do a lot of that kind of stuff, too gym where it’s taxing on your body, but you’re willing to do it because you know, there’s something in it for you,
Clint Albright (17:17):
The reward. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. At least speaks to the soul in a different way
Brad Singletary (17:22):
Reward. I did a couple of 50 milers as a young man, as a boy scout, we did a 50 mile like backpacking trip all week long and ended up raining all week. So 50 miles and then also a 50 mile canoe trip. And that was probably my favorite thing. It was just going down these rivers, we started in Southern Georgia and up in like, I don’t know, central Florida somewhere, just an awesome experience, but it was hard physically. So the warrior he wants that he knows that, you know, you push against hard things. You get stronger.
Clint Albright (17:52):
Yeah. Sometimes adversity, it can be the best, worst thing that could happen to you.
Yeah. That mental challenge. It’s something else to push through and get it done. A lot of people quit. A lot of people will quit. It’s easier to quit.
Brad Singletary (18:09):
One of my roommates, a college roommate of mine played football together. He used to say in the middle of the drills and stuff, the mind tires before the body. And it was so true. And I just thought, well, my mind is tired, right? The mind tires before the body, the warrior is known to destroy things. And when we talk about like civilizations often were created as a result of war, sometimes the warrior, isn’t just this loving benevolent person. Sometimes you do have to slice people up and, you know, shoot them with the canons. So he destroys things. But w Y w in what, what kinds of things would be worthy of destruction? Why would a warrior be willing and ready to like maybe even fight to his own death? What’s he trying to create change growth? Yeah. He’s trying to make room for something fresher, something new, something that’s bigger than him. Yeah. Something that’s valuable. I mean, this isn’t just, you know, just for the sake of destruction, but some things need to be destroyed. It says in the book, corruption, tyranny, oppression, injustice, unfulfilling, lifestyles, jobs, situations, and even bad marriages sometimes need to be destroyed. I
Like how it talks about the sizes attitude. You wake up with that mindset and you just try to keep that with you throughout the whole day. And that in itself is, is being a warrior. You know, that mind battle.
Clint Albright (19:48):
I think, I don’t think we touched on is even though he’s kind of detached from his own emotions doesn’t mean that he’s a callous person or that he’s not empathetic for what people are going through. He has difficulty having romantic relationships since he, he is detached from his emotions. However that doesn’t make him a callous person. He’s very able to empathize and connect and understand people’s suffering and the adversity that they’re going through. And it kind of builds him up to continue to face that adversity to face that cause and in whatever goal he’s also loyalty.
Brad Singletary (20:23):
Yeah. It doesn’t mean he’s cruel. It just means he’s not making decisions based on like emotion about anyone or anything, except his goal. The ideal that he’s after,
Clint Albright (20:37):
Like we talked about earlier, you have to be detached from your emotions. When we talk about war and confrontation, because getting those emotions involved might you hesitate, might make you pause, think too deeply about it versus just going
Brad Singletary (20:51):
With what you’ve been trained to do. It’s very much
Clint Albright (20:55):
Looking at the present moment and just staying in that
Brad Singletary (21:00):
One thing I liked, I don’t remember if this was, they were talking about the samurai or who that was, but there’s really only one direction and that is forward. And there’s really only one way to face an enemy. And that’s face to face. Don’t turn your back on the battle. You have to keep, you got to keep the enemy in front of you. And sometimes the enemy is yourself. Sometimes the enemy is sometimes the enemy is emotion. Sometimes the enemy is a person or a partner coworkers, but you have to face these challenges head on Jay’s in a battle right now. I think he’s girl is texting him like, no, are you sure? You’re at a, I’m just kidding. Looking at the outline. I would be a warrior and tell her how it is. If you’re listening, that’s not true in talking about being decisive and efficient. There was something in there that said he never spins more energy than he has to. Now that may sound a little lazy, but what do they mean by that? Never spends more energy than he has to. He’s always moving forward. You know, you can spend energy looking back and thinking about, you know, the past, but it is what it is. And it’s time to move forward. You can’t spend energy on that.
Clint Albright (22:27):
I also think he he’s putting his energy with a lot of intent. So if we know that he’s very goal oriented, if he’s very balanced, if he’s training all the time, working with others, to making sure that their goals are taken care of, he’s, he’s being very mindful of where he puts his energy. So he doesn’t over himself. Cause if he overexerts himself, then he might go into that emotional.
Brad Singletary (22:50):
Yeah. Maybe he knows some shortcuts. Maybe he knows a way to, you know, reach the goal faster. And he can not shortcuts as in cutting corners, but just a more efficient way to get there. I really appreciated that. It says the warrior is not dramatic or showy. I don’t know if he used the word showy. That might be my word, but this is, it’s not about his ego. He’s not just showcasing his power. He’s not just walking around thudding on his chest, whipping his, weighing out to show people. It all has a purpose. He has an unconquerable spirit. He’s not petty. Doesn’t squabble, don’t know ego. He’s not caught up in his ego with these things. One thing we didn’t mention that it talks about he’s good with weapons. What kind of weapons does the warrior in 2021 use
Brad Singletary (23:56):
Yeah, I would say maybe that’s the primary tool of the warrior now is just your mind, how you think, how you discipline it. You know, if you ever fired a rifle or a firearm that hadn’t been cleaned, you know, it can kind of jam. And so you gotta keep your mind fresh. Maybe you’re reading, maybe listening to podcasts. Maybe you are attending events that kind of build you up the tools and weapons of the warrior today might be something you buy on Amazon. I don’t know. Working out exercise. Yeah. His body is a weapon in a way. And your body, if your body is driving the weapon of your mind, I’ve just noticed really actually literally in the last probably six or eight months, the power of water, just drinking water. And I literally, my, my, I can be foggy and I drink some water, like 32 ounces of water. My little bottle I have here, I just kill it. And in about 10 minutes, I swear, I’m thinking clearer. And so my, my mind is affected by how I treat my body, which is another weapon.
Yeah. Other weapons, you know, along with water would be food, you know, giving you sustainable energy. Maybe even meditation might be another weapon to relieve stress, clear your mind. Definitely a lot of good weapons out there in 2020.
Yeah. I think just, you know, training in general, no matter, you know, what aspect of your life you’re talking about. If it’s at work, it’s maybe taking a class or reading a book or listening to a podcast, you know, if that’s at home, it might be, you know, doing whatever. I don’t know, going to a counselor if it’s, you know, something with it, relationship wise, but you’re continually honing your skills and doing that training to be better.
Brad Singletary (25:55):
I asked a guy the other day, when was the last time you learned something very important that was new. And he really kinda S you know, I’m stuttering to say the word stutter. He really kind of stuttered for a minute. He couldn’t think of the last time he had like, had a new, bright, new idea or some new technique or method. Like you’re talking about Jay, you got to learn some skills. I hear men all the time talking about, you know, in this relationship, it’s different because we have different skills. We have different types of communication. And so as we fight for the survival of our relationship, the thing that’s bigger than me, we have to have new approaches to things.
Yeah. I think it goes to moving forward and not becoming if it’s in your relationship or whatever it is. You’re always looking for new skills and new trades to make it better.
Brad Singletary (26:51):
It’s interesting how these different archetypes can kind of blend together. There’s a quote in the book about how the warrior lives not to gratify his personal needs and wishes or his physical appetites, but to hone himself into an efficient spiritual machine, trained to bear the unbearable in the service of the transpersonal goal and the transpersonal goal they were talking about. That’s really just, it includes the needs of other people. You’re fighting for, you know, someone in a vulnerable position or others who can’t defend themselves, but it’s, you’re caring for other people, but an efficient spiritual machine. I thought that was, that’s some interesting, like polarity with the idea of a warrior. You know, this battle hungry person who’s, you know, today is a good day to die, but who’s also an efficient spiritual machine.
I’m in the middle of that. You’re talking transpersonal, I’m in the middle of a harassment, sexual or discrimination training at work. You know, when you see it happen and maybe you’re a bystander, you know, standing up for that person, you know, that’s kind of a warrior thing to step in and let someone know that that wasn’t right, what you did, what you said, lots of different ways to be a warrior.
Brad Singletary (28:10):
So what are some examples of warriors that, you know, people from stories or people in your real life that you believe kind of live that archetype in their story? You know, I think
One that’s near and dear to a lot of people’s hearts here in the Las Vegas area is one October. And when you talk about individuals who display that warrior energy, you got to look at the police officers who responded all first responders, who, who responded on on one October, you know, they had to emotionally detach from their own doubts and their own fears. And as most people were running away from that situation, those individuals are running towards that. And it wasn’t for themselves. It was for a greater good.
Brad Singletary (28:57):
And I, one thing I, I work with a lot of police officers and I hear a lot about some of the training that they do. And that may have been just kind of an unimaginable situation that they’ve trained for a hundred times. You know, something that the average guy walking around, isn’t thinking about the things that these types of warriors are. And so the preparation, the discipline, considering what threats there may be and so forth. I mean, we’re in a gunfight, this person is still out there harming people in this very moment. Gosh, it just, it must’ve just taken so much courage. I’ve worked with some of these guys who have been involved throughout that whole experience, you know, right away. And then soon after, and then the next day, it’s just amazing. You’re right. That’s a great example of the warrior energy. Yeah.
First responders. I mean, firefighters as well, people are running out of a building, a burning building and they’re running into it. That’s a different mindset. So strong mindset. And that’s really showing that you were truly being in service of others and making sure that you’re protecting,
Brad Singletary (30:07):
I guess, thinking about, you know, the warrior, I got to think about military personnel who are, they’re kind of signing up for that. You know, my wife’s brother was a, he was a cavalry scout with the us army. And he chose the job that he wanted was to be a Minesweeper. And so he was in front of his own group who was at the front of the line and he’s out there sweeping for mines and he wanted something difficult. He wanted something that no one else wanted. I just think that that just took so much courage. So plenty of people that are serving in uniform in various capacities, definitely living out the warrior energy as strong men. One of my favorite stories of a warrior is the movie gladiator. That’s the one with Russell Crowe. I think it’s like three hours long. I watch it every few months with my, with my boys.
Brad Singletary (31:03):
So he was a general, he was a general. And in the beginning of the movie, the question was whether or not he was going to stay with his troops, you know, stay with his soldiers or go back home to his wife and kids and he chose to stay. And then he finds out that you know, Marcus really is, was the emperor. And he was, he was soon going to die. And he named him this general, his successor and Marcus really is his son, commonness was jealous. Maybe he was acting in that kind of high chair, tyrant. He ended up killing his father. And then he, when he found out that Maximus, the gladiator wasn’t on board with his plan, he had his wife and son killed, and then he banished him to slavery. So he went from general, a very respected general to a slave.
Brad Singletary (32:02):
And part of that was to fight as a gladiator. Well then he Rose in popularity as a gladiator. And then probably my favorite part of the whole movie is he has comedies. Who’s kind of unrightfully taking his, taking his role as the emperor he’s killed his father and Russell Crowe. The gladiator has him down. I think he’s got a sword at his neck and the crowd is all cheering because they want him to die. They know that he’s kind of a tyrannical evil person, and they’re all kind of chanting for the, I think is what they were calling him. And he had an opportunity to kill him, but he didn’t, he walked away. And that was just a powerful expression of, it was a powerful statement. Yeah. He made a powerful statement about what it means to really be a warrior. And by the way, what he was fighting for was Rome. Rome is an idea. Rome is a dream and that’s what he was fighting for. And there was this corruption that kind of crept into the Senate in any way that movie to me is that teaches me. It’s, I don’t know, maybe it’s silly, you know, this heroic story, but it kind of teaches me about the kind of man I want to be. And for sure, in the, in the warrior energy,
Clint Albright (33:25):
No, there’s a lot of star Wars gatekeepers out there. So I’m gonna try to do some star Wars justice here. But for me, it was Obi wan Kenobi drought trilogy, whether you watch the Canon or not, he was always the kind of balanced warrior. He never, he always made sure like his paddle ones that, you know, you don’t over indulge into your emotions, keep your emotions in check. You know, he’s, he was very committed and loyal to the Senate and making sure that, you know, the light side, you know, was, was on the up and up. But he just shows a lot of these traits that we’ve kind of went over about what it means to be a ward.
Brad Singletary (34:03):
Yeah. I love that. That’s a great example, OB one. So in the bipolar dysfunctional shadow of the warrior is the sadist and the masochist. Now I know what some of you guys are thinking that this is some sexual thing out there, and maybe that creeps in at some people’s sexual life, but here we’re talking about a person who is either, you know, inflicting pain on other people are allowing pain to be inflicted on himself. So what does the sadist look like? This is the active kind of overachieving power, hungry shadow of the warrior,
Clint Albright (34:44):
Bringing up star Wars again, when you look at Anna Ken it was like the third movie. He becomes completely controlled by his emotions and he just totally loses himself. He becomes a Darth Vader and when Palpatine ordered order 66 to kill all of the other jetties, he was an akin was up in the room, killing the paddle ones, the little kids, and just total disregard for human life. And you know, he, he just really changed in that moment. He destroyed everything from the inside out and became this dark tyrannical, you know, figure in the universe.
Brad Singletary (35:30):
Yeah. So in the, in the warrior energy, we talked about he’s detached from his emotion and the sadist is also detached from emotion. He’s willing to fight. He’s willing to put people to death if that’s what he has to do, but it really controls his evil side. And they’re very cruel even to vulnerable people. Self-Serving them with no ethics, no loyalty, but to himself, it seems to come up a lot with these, you know, the healthy side and the unhealthy stuff it’s selfish versus unselfish loyalty to self versus loyalty to others, or to a principle or idea of value. I think these individuals are
Also workaholics. They have a, you know, a hard time differentiating between how to behave at work versus at home. And, you know, you look at the sound of music with the Baron Von trap. You know, he had very high expectations for his family and he seemed to run his home exactly. Like he ran his troops and, you know, you see in the sound of music, you know, he has whistles for forum and they line up in a line things that you would see that he would do in the military that he’s now because he doesn’t, he can’t differentiate between the two. He’s bringing that at home. And you see that, like, you know, we talked about the military, how they have a hard time transitioning between the warrior mindset in war, and then coming back home and transitioning into the family.
Brad Singletary (37:02):
It was interesting. It seemed to be talking about like drill sergeants and stuff like that. You know, picturing bootcamp where they really have to tear the person down. And in that case, maybe there’s a, that’s a necessary part of the training, you know, weed out the weak or whatever, but it kind of describes this drill Sergeant personality as someone who isn’t afraid to create pain, to break the other person down,
Clint Albright (37:28):
Genuine with the workaholics. The book kind of mentioned this, that they’re able to do enter pain and get a lot of work done, but deep inside there’s anxiety, they don’t know what they want and they don’t know what they’re missing. They attack everything including themselves until they eat themselves alive and they burn out. Wow.
Brad Singletary (37:49):
Sometimes I wonder if that’s what I’m doing to myself. You know, I, I, I probably have a tendency to want to work too much burn the candle at both ends. And I say, it’s for a good cause. But you know, this whole review, this I’m like you guys, I’m actively trying to assess myself as we talk about these things. On the podcast, EV in my work with men, I say something to a guy and I’m like, hold on a minute. Do I do that? Am I that way? So yeah. What Clint just brought up. Like, I see myself for sure. I mean, I know I work a lot, but I can be very hard on myself when, you know, I don’t do something. Right. I make a bad decision, you know, I put a lot of blame on and
Brad Singletary (38:38):
Yeah, you said he, he like eats himself and he burns out and that’s just crazy imagery of he’s eating himself, like destroying himself, thinking that he’s getting nourished or something.
Clint Albright (38:52):
And we’re both therapists here and we know that feeling of burnout. And I’m sure time to time when it starts sneaking up on you start realizing like, well, I’m not really taking care of the things that I need to start taking care of for my own self. If I need to be a warrior for the people who are coming into my office, I need to show up for my own self.
So I stress myself out over these moments. Like recently we’ve been working seven days a week, 12 hours a day, and a lot of like personal care I’m not taking care of. And that stresses me out as well. You know, not being able to just have some alone time, whether it’s, you know, meditating, reading, exercising, and that causes additional stress. You know, once again, it just builds that I’m being extremely hard on myself. You know, I’m not getting the work done. I’m not getting the personal growth done. And it’s, it becomes stressful personally.
Brad Singletary (39:46):
I think you got to always be evaluating, checking yourself against your own standards and the things you want to be loyal to. So like something I pride myself in is always being there for people I’m available on the weekend and late at night. And if people are going through something like, Hey, text me, I will talk, talk through it. And that seems like I’m fighting as a warrior for someone’s benefit. And then I forget that my own children are in the other room. My own family is kind of needing me to be there. And I’m literally right in the middle right now of a process of kind of carving my schedule down a little bit and just trying to be a little bit more reasonable because I think I’m doing all this good stuff by helping people. 2020 has been rough in the mental health world. And so you know, I can’t work for a year straight 12 hours a day every, every day,
You know, and it kind of brings up a question of, can you be a warrior in one place? And how do you find that balance between you’re a warrior at work? How do you be a warrior at home? Also at the same time, it always seems like they kind of pull against each other at times, and you can be a warrior over here, but you’re failing and you’re being more of a you’re bipolar shadows over here,
Brad Singletary (41:02):
Tyra. Yeah. I like the idea of just engagement. You know, you’re involved, you’re tuned in, you know, what’s going on, you know, what the needs are, you know, what the vulnerabilities are. And so at work, it looks one way at home. It looks like something different, but it’s still, you’re just tuned in. And maybe that’s what can help men. You know, you have to switch hats and change your uniform and come home and be a different person and your personal relationships, but really it still
Does it all still come down to being present.
Brad Singletary (41:34):
Yeah. And I know, I know personally me, I have found that if I go straight from work and go home and don’t have kind of a decompression time, I find a hard time transitioning between the two. And so I’ve learned, Hey, give me five minutes. Give me 10 minutes. Just to kind of let me decompress shed off that coat of work. That when I come on now, I can be that present in the home. You do that quick. I need like six hours, like catch me in the morning, I’ll be in a better mood.
Clint Albright (42:07):
So one thing that was tough for me is like being in graduate school during COVID and doing tele-health at home, I didn’t have a place to kind of decompress. Like my bedroom is my office. And so I missed the days, like where I would, you know, get in the car, listen to music, kind of decompress on my way home. So I can’t shift that hat. So I have that little buffer space.
Brad Singletary (42:29):
Did you ever figure anything out that, how did you resolve that? Did you ever find a way to
Clint Albright (42:34):
After work? I would just put some headphones in, listen to some metal music and just go take my dog for a run. And that was kind of my best as well.
Brad Singletary (42:43):
Take your dog for her and his house. Come here a little man time. Let’s do a lot of peanut butter. My friend used to say, I got a one out hunting dog, and he’s going to hunt tonight. This sadist is also disgusted by weakness. He berates the weak, you know, he’s just criticizing. He demands compliance. His standards are unrealistic and there’s a great quote. I wanted to share this shadow warrior carries into adulthood. The adolescent insecurity, violent emotionalism and the desperation of the hero. As he seeks to make a stand against the overwhelming power of the feminine, which always tends to the masochistic or cowardly pole of the heroes, dysfunctional shadow. That’s pretty powerful. You know, when you’re being sadistic, you’re really, you’re really just operating out of juvenile insecurity, violent emotionalism. I think that plenty of times in my life, I wasn’t necessarily physically violent, but I was emotionally violent and that comes out of desperation.
Brad Singletary (43:58):
I just want to win. I just want to finish my list for my Saturday chores. I just want my kids to behave properly. I want something that is worthwhile, but I, my approach to it is coming out of a very immature place. That’s been something I’ve had to constantly work on. All right. The passive shadow, the masochist, what does this guy act like? What is, what is he thinking, feeling and doing when he’s in the bipolar of the warrior called the masochist, he doesn’t stand his ground. He’s the pushover with, without any boundaries, he lets people walk over him. You know, he does. He’s just really passive aggressive and lets people take advantage of him.
Yeah. He gives his power away to the tyrants and the warriors.
Brad Singletary (44:54):
Yeah. Yeah. He hands it over to the, to the sadist in his world and he lets himself just get trampled on. He feels kind of powerless kind of reminds me of like, yes man. Yes man. Yeah, no boundaries. No self-respect yes.
This is that employee that you see that can never say no, always gets walked on, gives and gives and gives. And then one day ends up exploding.
Brad Singletary (45:21):
I have one of those guys, seriously. I always tell them, you know, don’t be so quick to just say yes, you know, if it’s wrong or it’s bothering you, you know, stand up for yourself. He never would. And he finally let loose last summer, which was satisfying to see that, you know, yeah, you go to a, you go to a domestic violence class and you find a room full of nice guys. These are, these are Teddy bears. And they lost them because they were just getting walked on. They didn’t stand their ground and totally being a doormat to the, to the other tyrants and the other status in their life. These guys are driven by anxiety trying to find worth in their performance, but they never find it always seeking some accomplishment. And they never really, they never really get there because they’re just spinning their wheels with fear and anxiety. They deny their own worth.
Brad Singletary (46:24):
They can’t imagine themselves as a powerful person. They don’t see themselves as a warrior. Maybe they’re afraid of that whole energy because they have been victimized by some toxic masculinity, which may be, this will be seen as unpopular. But I believe that it does exist in the form of like the sadist in the form of the tyrant. That’s what people are talking about when they say toxic masculinity, it’s a dude, who’s being a jerk. So that person is just growing up with that toxicity and can’t, can’t get themselves to the next level or, or, or insecurity to get themselves the next level to get to, you know, that confidence and believe in themselves. And
What we talked about in previous episodes of not being seen kind of reminds me of somebody who doesn’t have that discipline doesn’t have that goal mindset, that growth mindset.
Brad Singletary (47:24):
I’m working with a guy right now who has some very difficult kids. Children are adopted and that kind of brings with it some problems with attachment and different things in, in his case anyway, but he told me one time that he would get bullied in school, junior high, high school, he would get bullied. And he kind of feels like he’s being bullied by his own kids. And we’re talking, you know, nine, 11, 13 year old kids. And so he’s kind of masochistic in that. He just lets them control him and then quickly shifts over to the the sadist and becomes a Punisher and does regretful things. Remember when we shared this earlier, this is a theme repeated in the book. Don’t ask yourself if you’re doing this, ask yourself, in what ways do I do these things? Cause we all kind of become that. All right. So our final question here is how can a man fully access the warrior energy with himself? So a man feels kind of weak. He wants to tap into that inherent warrior. It’s just passed down through the generations. It’s in our genetics, it’s in our emotional and spiritual DNA. How does a guy train himself and become,
Yeah. You talking earlier about not giving away as energy. So listening to all the noise around you from people’s opinions and thoughts is something you need to separate yourself from. So you can focus on your goals and shut down that noise and not give it energy,
Brad Singletary (49:05):
Man. That’s a great word. Noise. There’s so much noise. So much noise notifications on your phone. You know, what’s playing in the news just
Angry people, jealous people,
Brad Singletary (49:17):
The neighbor, the people in line, the other drivers noise, man, tune that out noise everywhere. So detaching is a healthy part of this mature masculine way of being to detach, but not to be, not, not emotional, but just you’re saying Jim detaching from opinions.
Gotcha. Still present. You’re still present. You’re in the moment. You know, you’re living in the moment, but there’s just a lot of haters if you will. Yes. Scott, let them go.
Brad Singletary (49:48):
Sometimes I think it takes with the haters. Sometimes it takes learning how to defend yourself. I think I’m okay.
But that that’s energy, right? That’s energy. That’s energy use that I could use in a better purpose, right? Defending myself are really need to defend myself. Does it even matter? What purpose is it serving?
Brad Singletary (50:09):
Yeah. Does it give credibility to the hater to defend myself? So maybe sometimes you don’t, maybe sometimes you do have to stand up and be assertive. That’s something I will readily admit it didn’t come naturally for me. And that may be because of how I grew up kind of under the rule of someone who was a little bit tough, a little bit hard and I learned to be soft. And what I find with men in general is just that men are too hard or too soft. And it’s not what you’re thinking. JM. I’m not talking about the blue Pillsy.
Speaker 6 (50:41):
I told you that in confidence.
Brad Singletary (50:47):
So sometimes you do have to defend yourself. You’ve got to be assertive to be assertive. Really just means that I matter. And you matter, I’m going to handle this respectfully, but I’m not going to let you do this thing to me or to my family. Maybe you have to learn to defend yourself physically. I love the jujitsu and all those kinds of things. I wish that I was in the kind of condition right now. Maybe someday that’s something I could pursue, but just learning how to physically manage yourself in a situation. If it ever came to it, I don’t expect that’s going to happen.
There’s something to be said about when you’re working out and you’re seeing the benefits of that. And you’re kind of honing your skills where you kind of walk a little bit higher. You, you feel a little bit better about yourself. Like you can do this, you know? So I think there’s something to that where, you know, workout, make yourself, make your body, you know, in shape
Brad Singletary (51:51):
Another book. I really like maybe we’ll review some time as the way of men by Jack Donovan, but he talks about men size up other men. We see a man and we’re instantly checking. We’re assessing whether or not he can be trusted whether or not he can help. If the hits the fan, whether or not he is going to be on my team or whatever. And so fitness, physical fitness, like in this room right now, there’s probably the least confidence in me in terms of like, if somebody came in and we had to scrap with something here. And so yeah, if you’re, you have a level of fitness that you can feel comfortable just walking around, if you, if there was a time, I, I wasn’t even comfortable to get on a plane with my physical fitness. I weighed 425 pounds at one time. That is, you’re kind of in a way, useless as a warrior in that sense.
Brad Singletary (52:40):
And for me, it wasn’t just the physical limitations. It was like, psychologically. I just felt like I had no power. I couldn’t, I couldn’t run. I couldn’t get on the floor and play with my kids. It was hard to wipe my. So yes, physical fitness, because that’s a lot of what we’re talking about is the mental training that you have to do. We’re not going to be swinging FIS in the street, but if you have the discipline and that it takes to get yourself in shape physically, you know, and I’ve been myself on and off with that, that, that goes a long way. Because if, if the, if your primary weapon is your mind fitness anyway, hit fat guy talking about fitness, go ahead.
Speaker 6 (53:24):
It’s more than just that, right? It’s more
Than just physical. It’s mental, it’s spiritual. It’s emotional. It’s a lot of those it’s up there. Yeah.
It’s honing all of your skills. So if it’s at home personally, or if it’s at work, once you start to hone your skills and you become more proficient and more knowledgeable, you have more confidence and you’re not going to be falling into your bipolar shadow as much, but you’re going to be stepping up and having that warrior mindset, knowing that you can do it lean into that adversity.
You’ve gained skills and you have the wisdom.
Brad Singletary (54:00):
This may be a dumb thing, but I take a lot of pride in at my home. I go, I’m the last one to go to sleep. And I take a lot of pride in like checking the doors to make sure they’re locked. I want to secure my family. I want my family to feel secure. And you know, I’ve have an alarm system. I have a, the cameras and stuff like that, just to it’s like, it’s probably more psychological comfort for them that I’m kind of provide these things. They trust that dad’s gonna lock the door. It’s all good here. We’re safe here. So having a security mindset, I worked in a juvenile detention center for several years. These were kids up to age 21. This was a secure facility. So that means like a prison. And they would teach us things like, you need to know what is in this person’s hands. You need to just be tuned in like situational awareness. What’s going on around you. And again, you don’t want to walk around paranoid, but you should be attentive to what’s happening around you. And if you can just imagine yourself as a warrior, who’s there to protect, which I think is one of the important roles of men. You feel stronger, you have more confidence. What other things, if we want to tune into our warrior energy, how do we access that?
Taking risks, not putting yourself in jeopardy, but challenging yourself to overcome fears, whether it’s, you know, I’m not saying you should free settle or anything like Alex Honnold, but you know maybe you, you, you, you know, you use the ropes and climate, or if you have a fear of Heights or if you’re swimming in the ocean or a fear of talking to a woman or whatever your fear is, you know, you get your mind, right. To challenge yourself, to take on that fear because what comes from it growth. Right? Definitely.
Clint Albright (55:56):
I mean, I literally have the Nike switch symbol tattooed on my foot. St just do it. So like whenever I go for a long hike or, you know, going into doing a speech or even being on this podcast, just put my right foot forward and just do it. Let me see what the best thing can come out of this. Even if it doesn’t go well, it’s a new experience that I can kind of integrate and all right, I did something scary. Wasn’t that bad. I can keep pushing myself to do more and more. You’re going to learn from it too.
Brad Singletary (56:22):
Clinton really does have that tattoo. He showed me one day, but he, I started getting nervous when he started to take his other sock off too.
You shut the door. Now it’s a party
Brad Singletary (56:36):
In the book. The other book I mentioned Jack, Donovan’s the way of man. He talks about starting a gang and really what he means is a tribe. And you know, if you’re a warrior, you better have some soldiers. You better have some people that you can count on. And again, we’re not talking about, we’re going to shoot up, you know, the neighborhood we got to, you know, not like that. But part of your, one of your weapons is other men. And again, if we’re talking about emotional challenges and spiritual challenges and psychological difficulty I had an experience just a couple of weeks ago where I had to, I’ve got a group text with some friends and I said, dudes, this is what’s going on in my life. This is what I feel like doing, helped me. And they say, knock it off. You’re being selfish. You’re looking at this all wrong. And so I think there’s just, if one of our core messages with this is you got to have some people, you better have some warriors around you that are on your team and they kinda know what you’re after they know what your vulnerabilities are. And then you, you can protect them. You’re there going, man, if they need that,
I think it’s really important to have that tribe. You know, I not too long ago, went through a, a tough divorce. And having those individuals around to talk to that were like-minded that you could bounce ideas off. Kind of like you said, like, Hey, let me run this by you. And you know, if they’re weak, they’re just going to agree with you. And that’s not what you need. You need those individuals who are going to be like, Jay. Now, come on, think about that or help you talk through it. So I think it is important to have a solid tribe of, of men that are with you.
You got those, those like-minded men who give you honest feedback, honest perspective. That’s, it’s tough. Yeah. That’s, that’s important.
Brad Singletary (58:33):
The most unhappy that I’ve ever been has been when I was the most isolated, the dumbest decisions I ever made happen when I was the most isolated. And so if you’re a warrior in the battle of life, you’ve got to have some people that have your back, and that can tell you when your, you know, your armor isn’t properly set up and who can defend you and who can teach you and train you and challenge you push you,
Be honest with yourself, you know, look at what you’re doing, right? What you’re doing wrong, you know, just try to pick it apart. Don’t overthink it. Don’t spend too much energy on it, but just be honest with your strengths and your weaknesses and work on those things. That’s great.
Brad Singletary (59:22):
All right. You guys, let’s wrap this one up. We appreciate you being with us. The next episode, we’re going to talk about the magician