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HOW TO VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER
Validation. In its simplest form, it’s recognizing your spouse or partner. When you validate her, you see her – you get it. That’s what she wants and needs from you. Today, we’re going to talk about what validation is, how you can provide this need to your partner, and how being a high-value man is the ultimate validation.
Questions to be answered today:
- What is validation, and why do we need to validate our partners?
- What is the ultimate source of validation in a relationship with a woman?
- How and when should I validate my partner?
- Do you know your partner and what kind of validation she needs from you?
What is validation?
- Direct feedback – you see the actions and contributions
- Acceptance for who she is. Her thoughts/feelings are valid.
- being with her without judging her
What validation is not ?
- You don’t have to agree or accept her ideas as your own.
- You don’t have to give up your ideas to accommodate her.
- Not correcting her if you perceive faulty logic (just being emotional) (invalidation)
Why do we need to validate our partner?
- Validation elicits participation – promotes communication, intimacy (better sex)
- Let’s your partner know you are engaged (Red 9) and on the same page
- Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – validation is a part of esteem, this makes her feel protected, less isolated, less vulnerable, and safe.
You! An Alpha is a high-value man.
- You are a leader- the kind of man she’s proud to be with. Be a WIN for her.
- High-value validation- it feels good when someone at work notices your contributions, but when the big boss notices you, it’s on a whole other level.
- You meet and exceed her expectations – you get it.
How does being a high-value man validate her?
- Not reactive, you’re in control (exactly what she needs when she needs validation)
- Honest with her when you need to be (this adds value to your validation, she knows you won’t just patronize her, your talk isn’t cheap, it’s genuine)
- You being with her is social proof that she’s a high-value woman.
Your self-validation makes you a high-value man.
- When you validate yourself, you lead by example. The stronger influence you have in her life, the more she will mimic you (follow your lead through mirroring)
- Living by Red 9 principles makes you a high-value man
- An Alpha is balanced, he keeps her inspired, his words matter because he lives up to his ideals (he has validity).
- Don’t be disingenuous. That will just make her suspicious (does he just want to get laid)
- Be consistent. Consistency will prove your authenticity.
- Be truthful, say what you see.
Other tenets of validation
- Be present, paying attention, not multi-tasking, really listening.
- Acceptance – there is no right or wrong, no judgment, no fixing
When do you validate her?
- Good to be consistent, but don’t make it something you check off a list each day, reserve it to when needed so it remains genuine.
- When she’s not expecting it, be engaged enough to notice any changes in mood.
- Especially during a bad/stressful day, be discerning.
Brad Singletary (00:00:02):
Brad Singletary (00:00:05):
In its simplest form, it is recognizing your spouse or partner. When you validate her, you see her get it.
Brad Singletary (00:00:18):
That’s what she wants and needs from you. Today we’re going to talk about what validation is, how you can provide this need to your partner and how being a high value man is the ultimate validation.
Brad Singletary (00:01:09):
Welcome back to the alpha quorum show. Brad Singletary here with my buddy taco. Mike, welcome everyone. Today we’re going to be talking about validation and what it is and why do we need to validate our partners? What is the ultimate source of validation in a relationship with a woman? How and when should you validate your partner and do you know your partner well enough and know what kind of validation she needs from you. I think this is an important topic because actually I had a conversation with my office mate here, Sherry ho, who talked about the need for men to validate their partners in so many, literally say, maybe the wife says, I just need you to validate me and something that she’s heard and I can share that I’ve had the same experiences I’ve worked with men is I don’t know how, I don’t know what that means.
Brad Singletary (00:02:01):
And so that’s why we decided on this topic today about validation. So first of all, I want to talk about what validation is and what it is not maybe the opposite of validation. So generally I think validation means to accept, right? Would you say validation means to accept someone? Yeah. When we’ve talked about the validation, I was thinking like validate your parking. It’s where you go and you get something in return for the C, you know you need a parking spot, they give you a piece of paper, they stamp it like you’re approved, you can do this thing. You’re validated. Yes. That happens here a lot here in Vegas with the casinos. You go to the buffet. But you’re not there to gamble. But if you parked in their parking garage, they want to say this is good, you can take this and get your, get your parking money back or whatever because you, you ate at our establishment.
Brad Singletary (00:02:48):
So I like that. I like that visual of validating a parking pass. So validation is acceptance for who she is just generally. So we want to talk about this from two perspectives. One is the big picture view of her as a person, as your partner, as your wife, your girlfriend, to accept who she is, her thoughts and feelings are valid. And I’m also just being with her without judgment. So many problems I think are created in conversation and in relationships in general by judgment and the shooting on people that a person should be this way or shouldn’t be that way. And so let’s really dig in here to about validation. So Mike, in general, what would you say is the purpose of validation? Or what is it to validate?
Mike Spurgin (00:03:40):
It just sounds, everything you just described there just sounds like unconditional love when you’re with this person, you’re in this relationship and you just accept the reality that they are who they are. And some of it, I think unconditional love is this thing, to me anyway that says, look, you you’re a contradiction. You’re both good and bad. You’re both, you know, up, up category and down category. You’re all of it. You’re a hot mess. You’re, you’re you’re put together, you’re all of these things at the same time and it’s all okay. It’s perfectly okay and I’m fine with you being all those things. I love you in spite of that. And I accept you in spite of all that, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to roll over and take it. I’m not going to take everything that you are as a person. There might be some pushback. I might need to give you some correction, but as far as like your place in your role in my life, it’s there. I’ve, you know, I validate here, stamp your ticket, your parking ticket, like you’re approved. You can be in my life. You’re, you’re good. It’s acceptable. So when I think about all those attributes of, of, you know, validating the other person that you just described to me, it just rings of, of unconditional love. That’s basically the tagline I would put on that.
Brad Singletary (00:04:52):
So it means that your basic nature is good. Her basic nature is good. I see people in arguments all the time and I have to slow the guy down and just say, hold on a minute bro. Hold on. Slow your roll. What is this? Who is this person to you? Who is this person? Because the way you’re sounding is that she’s an idiot. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. You’re older than her and so you’ve got it figured out and that she’s being ridiculous and irrational and emotional and there’s all this picking her apart as if she’s your worst enemy. So I like what you’re saying about unconditional love that’s acceptance and is not based on any condition of her behavior. If she becomes emotional or erratic or somehow doesn’t behave in your design for how she should be, a validation says that’s okay with me too. And I’m okay. When you have bad days and I’m okay with you, no matter where you, where you land
Mike Spurgin (00:05:49):
Here today, and that the reality is is it needs to be both ways. Because if I’m going to extend that grace to you, then I really need to have that extended to me, but here’s a set of complications that happen. Then I might form some expectations that say, I’m giving you this thing, you need to give it exactly back to me the way I give it to you. Like I need you to a hundred percent whatever I give you, I need that exactly. Reciprocated back. And then so there’s that slippery slope of expectations of the reciprocation and then resentments if and when it doesn’t happen that way. So all of these things are beautiful. We’re talking about them in the abstract and it’s really beautiful. If you’ve got two people that are validating each other, accepting each other, unconditional love, like these are all these high watermarks of, of idealist, idealism in this relationship.
Mike Spurgin (00:06:37):
The truth of any of our relationships is are they’re far from this. They don’t do this, they don’t look like this. So maybe this conversation is to try to help us, me and you maybe me, me especially understand that the, the tools and resources and validation, it’s a one way street. That is to say I need to give it whether or not I receive it and I need to have the well deep enough that I can keep scooping the bucket, keep bringing the water up. And if I get a little bit of it, then I’m not going to let it go to my head. I’m not gonna let it go to my ego. And then if it doesn’t happen, I’m not going to drop to anger and resentment either. So I just wanted to book, stop this and say these are great principles and we would hope that all relationships have these and are living by these. But the truth of the matter is you may be in a really one sided relationship where you’re, you are hoping to validate your partner and they’re not giving it back.
Brad Singletary (00:07:28):
Yeah. This can’t be a transaction. This is not like, you know, you’re down at the auto parts store and you come with a hundred dollars and they give you some, some junk, you know, material that that isn’t what is supposed to be. This can’t be a give and take. I’m only giving you this so that I can receive something back that just simply doesn’t work. So let’s, let’s talk for a second about what validation is not. What is, what is the opposite, may be a validation. I think some thoughts that I have about what validation isn’t. It isn’t that you always agree, it isn’t that you accept her ideas as your own or that you necessarily, it doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own ideas in order to accept hers. You don’t have to, you can accommodate her without replacing your own perspective and you don’t have to correct her if you perceive some faulty logic, you know, you feel like she’s just being emotional. That is invalidation. If you say calm down, settle down. We’re going to talk more about some of that more specifically later, but what is the opposite of validation?
Mike Spurgin (00:08:38):
I turned to this sores, man, here’s some, here’s some of the antonyms of it. These a lot of times when we’re talking about, you know, this concept, sometimes these are abstracts and they hard for me to get my head wrapped around them. But if I look at what the opposite words are, so the opposite of validate is to contradict, denied, disagree, be disagreeable, that’s to invalidate someone to not validate them. Disallowed, disapprove, discredit, oppose, refuse, reject, fight against repudiate, veto. These are all words that just veto. It’s like that’s a no, no, sorry. Yeah. And Oh, it’s not happening. And w you know, when we do that to our partner, we’re just basically pissing on them. We’re like, you don’t count. I don’t care. Screw you. These are just like, those are sort of flipped ways of just sort of acknowledging like, what is invalidations F you? That’s what, that’s what it is. I think
Brad Singletary (00:09:32):
It’s, we still have to have the right to disagree and maybe sometimes to say no. I talk, I’ve talked before about the fact that I believe the man should be the 51% leader. I just think that’s kind of how it works best from what I’ve seen as I worked with couples that someone has to kind of have the final decision. Maybe some things need to be vetoed. But in general, in a broad spectrum, you’re not going to veto this person’s character or worth as a, as a woman your partner can not be seen as less than you. What were some of those other words? Reject, man, there’s just so much rejection that’s people come into my office because one or the other of them may be, that’s, that is always what one of them feels. I feel rejected by the other. Yeah. From whatever behavior or whatever action that they’ve done. Whatever’s going on or not going on, it’s a matter of not being accepted and instead rejected. And that all falls under this word that we’re talking about validation. So why should we validate our partner? What is the benefit to that? Not that we’re doing this again for, for our own gain, but what’s good about validating? Why is that an important thing?
Mike Spurgin (00:10:46):
So basically down we’re just talking about positive. To me it feels like positivity versus negativity. How can I find charitable thoughts, charitable beliefs. And then I like signal out, not single out, but like identify and find out and tease out in my partner’s behaviors and thoughts and they were running their life. Things that are worthy, things that I can appreciate about them because none of us, again, none of us are all good and none of us are all bad. And so it’s not true that I could look at everything my spouse does and say I love it all, love it all baby, every single moment of every day you make me so happy and I’m just super stoked about all, like all of it. That’s just not true. And it’s Pollyanna to even think that you could get in that state that’s such that like romantic infatuation state.
Mike Spurgin (00:11:39):
You know, when you’re like dating and you meet somebody and you just like the whole, I’m in love. How long does that last? Yeah. And I don’t think she’s going to be very impressed with that either, cause she knows it’s not true too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the, a practitioner, a validation, someone who’s like really developed this into a, a high art for themselves really is they just have a very good filter. I think like the, the, the magic happens when you choose not to attack and invalidate something that probably on paper is worthy of it. You know what I mean? They do something and if their survey says attack right, and so you’d be, you’d be exonerated of that. But an artful practitioner of this doesn’t jump, doesn’t pounce. They, your spouse does something, knucklehead it or whatever, and you let it go. You give a grace, you give it a pass because you need that same, you’re going to need that tomorrow.
Mike Spurgin (00:12:34):
You’re going to need that. So you give them grace when they deserve it. And then when there is something that is commensurate to the validation, like th then something happens and then they’ve sort of been generous. They’ve been kind, they’ve done something that’s awesome. Whatever. They make a great dinner they were using. I’m using stereotypes. They, whatever, get the carwash, fill the car up with gas, put the kids to bed. All of the great things that, that our spouses do as just part of the normal routine. Right? Jump on that. So it’s, it’s about not pouncing on the stuff that is in that negative column, but then living and choosing to just pounce on the other stuff. And to spotlight that and to highlight that and to appreciate that and to validate that. That to me is how, how we practice that validation of our partner.
Brad Singletary (00:13:30):
I think one of the benefits of it is that it elicits participation. So if you’re validating, that means that you’re engaged. That’s one of those red nine principles that you’re present. You’re engaged in the moment. But it elicits participation from her. It promotes better communication and intimacy, closeness and even maybe translates into, into the you know, the sexual part of the family show. So from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, validation is a part of esteem. And that’s, that’s a neat, that’s a very important need that helps her feel protected if she feels esteem and feels that she is worthy. She’s going to feel less isolated, less vulnerable, feels more safe with you. And maybe in so many categories of everything that we do as men, what it is that she wants to feel safe. And so much of validation is making it feel safe, making it feel safe that she cries, making it feel safe, that she spent more money than she should. Making it feel okay that she’s just an imperfect human and you’re not there to chisel her out into a copy of yourself.
Mike Spurgin (00:14:40):
I’m going to ask you a question. You said most of the couples, maybe it was all the couples, everybody who comes in here, there’s some sort of this invalidation routine that’s happening that can turn into anger. Does it turn into like physical anger? Does it, like how, how does that ESCO, how does it escalate from like snubbing? So like invalidation to me that could be like that look, you know, that like cold, hairy eyes
Brad Singletary (00:15:05):
Where eyes your eyes, there’s so many going to sound some nonverbal stuff. Yep. That’s invalidation, right? Sure.
Mike Spurgin (00:15:13):
So being dismissive. That seems like it’s invalidation. Just just basically discounting dissing the other person. Right. How much do you see where like a couple is practicing that and then that turns into it goes from low level dissing to like aggressive dissing and then even to like full-scale war like this, this, the temperature of this thing continues to rise and rise and rise. I’m sure you see that all the time. What do couples do to sort of identify, recognize that’s happening and then undo that? That’s, that’s why they pay you the big bucks.
Brad Singletary (00:15:53):
So yeah, there is maybe a spectrum and it does come it, it does show up in small ways. Probably very soon in relationships. Just some, you know, not just disagreement.
Mike Spurgin (00:16:05):
Like is there any technique, like how does somebody just like, they wake up and like, shit, I’m just completely invalidating my partner through like this. I roll these little microaggressions. Like doesn’t that seem like,
Brad Singletary (00:16:18):
Yeah, I like that word. Microaggression. So what I like to do is have them role play so they actually become each other and portray the exact kind of non-verbals and whatever. So if there’s no awareness of what they’re doing to see the other person kind of acting out and it gets really funny and they just start laughing so hard, they’re crying and it really turns it into a positive experience where they say, Oh, I had no idea I was being that way and it’s safe when I do that here because it, you know, so many times we try to mock the other person so my wife tries to talk in a deep voice and like when she’s doing it to you and it’s just like, Oh that gets under my, that’s pretty invalidating care hub just so you in case you’re listening anyway. So to to role play that with each other. That’s one of the things I do to help them see where that microaggression, I like that term
Mike Spurgin (00:17:05):
But okay. So if you’re accusing her of being invalidating you to like sort of mock you with that voice, all she’s doing is like echoing that back at you. Like that’s what she sees is you just like stomping around with her.
Brad Singletary (00:17:17):
Is that should be an indicator. Yes. Do you ever fell? Many couples? Do you ever have to take a video camera and put it up? No, but that is definitely something that I want to do, I think would be very valuable for people to see because they, you know, I don’t have to get releases and it’s a whole legal mess to try to do something like that, but I think it would be valuable for them to see. I love those. Like, I don’t know, shows like dr Phil or whatever where they, they camp out in their house for four weeks and they’ve got recordings and look how you’re behaving toward toward this person. It’s is, yeah. So it’s very illustrative. It’s illuminating. Donating
Mike Spurgin (00:17:47):
To see that if you could, I
Brad Singletary (00:17:50):
Just, I’m really feeling the fact that to invalidate someone can be these little microaggressions. You know, we just, when we were talking about these little eye rolls, these little sounds that you make with your mouth, the way you like push your lips on, the person says something and you’re just basically saying again, you’re just like, you know, screw you. Really. That’s what you’re doing. You’re just like doing it in this, it’s now, these are all like fairly passive aggressive ways, but then I can see this thing amping and escalating over the years and over time until pretty soon you’re just like, she’s dismembered in the freezer. Like it gets to that point. Oh, that’s terrifying. It started out with just like those little looks it that escalated quickly. So the invalidation leads to the ultimate invalidation of like infidelity or violence and those things. It can get really ugly when you do that, when you’re invalidating your partner, you’re basically denying their worth to themselves and or for your own point of view.
Brad Singletary (00:18:50):
If you, if you can treat someone this way, even in small, subtle little interactions, if you can treat them in such a poor, disrespectful way, it’s making you believe that they’re unworthy of your respect. So just, it’s real. It’s so important. I’m so glad we’re talking about this and I hope men find this valuable. What about having emotional affairs, because isn’t that sort of, you’re looking for validation, is that a, is that sort of a driver where somebody’s at home? Okay. So let’s like create this little situation. My wife rolls me everything. Everything she says is that little disc, that little, you know, put down. But then I got this little honey at the office and I can’t do wrong. Like everything I do is gold. She laughs at all my jokes and her eye rolls are like those big floppy eyelashes, you know what I mean?
Brad Singletary (00:19:36):
Like her eye rolls or Oh, you’re so funny. You’re so great. That chick is like validating the hell out of me that’s pumping my ego. That’s got like my testosterone is going, all my juices are flowing because I’m getting like level 100 validation. Yeah. So serious. I’m working with a couple right now and actually the wife is the one who had, has had actually multiple emotional affairs. And while there’s never any excuse to do this stuff, her, her feeling, the background, the context is that even basic conversation about how is your day wasn’t happening. And so there’s no validation of just conversational check in about how are you doing? What, what happened? You know, what was your day like? And the answer was always good, you know, just no presence whatsoever. No engagement whatsoever. The man would say he had excuses because of work and that he was just tired.
Brad Singletary (00:20:32):
And I’m preoccupied, I’ve never been a talker. And so I can’t do that and it’s just garbage. And so now they’re looking at their whole marriage and family is really, the whole thing is on the line and it really comes down to no excuses for those kinds of affairs, but you can kind of understand why the hungry kid steals from the store. And so she was hungry for validation, found that typing to some dude on Reddit. And here we go. We were lightened up. These were lightened up the bulbs inside and it turned into some, some longstanding stuff that’s been very hurtful to him. So you’re right,
Mike Spurgin (00:21:09):
It’s just, it’s hard to under play under sell how important this stuff is. It does, it seems, I don’t want to say it seems trivial, but we’re just talking, you know, these are just words, words, salad, validation and all, whatever, all these little words we’re dropping here. But the realities are that this is like humans need, you know, don’t we have this Maslov’s hierarchy of needs? Don’t we have this instinctive need to be loved and isn’t this just essentially this vehicle that that communicates and it is literally communication. It’s, it’s using words and using these positive interactions to express and convey love in these little small moments. And when they’re not there, then the person receiving these little microaggressions is feeling hatred. They’re feeling the opposite of whatever, whatever is supposed to be there. You’re, I mean, you could, before we turn the lights off, you could say I love you, but 300 times during, before that moment you D you know, you, I rolled me, he put me down.
Mike Spurgin (00:22:10):
You like snickered at all my stuff. Kind of like some of the stuff you talked about. Whatever you say, whenever you say I love you, you’ve just invalidated that. You just told me you’re a liar, you’re a total liar. You say you love me. You showed none of that to me through small actions and behaviors. And I think that the hugest importance or on the smallest things, it’s, it’s helping me to see how critical these little tiny, it would be amazing to do this video and then to stop the film at that moment of like those dismissive looks and those eye rolls and then to print those all out and show the other person like, this is you, this is what I get, this, you love me. This is how you love me.
Brad Singletary (00:22:59):
There was a time in my own relationship where I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Much of that came from my previous relationship. You know, things that I brought into this, to this marriage and I could walk in the door and not even say anything or do anything. I walked in the door with anxiety and it will, that was, she could feel it. And w I wasn’t doing anything that, I don’t think there was any, you know, passive aggressive behavior. It was just, I walk in there feeling some type of way that she felt this aversion to and didn’t want to be around me. And I thought, Oh no, you don’t want to be around me. What’s going on here? And so I want to talk about validation of the woman like you as the validation for it. If we’re talking in a big picture sense, an alpha is a high value man.
Brad Singletary (00:23:56):
You’re a stud. You are someone that she can trust that she can count on, that she can lean on. You’ve got good vibes within yourself. In that moment, it was invalidating to her and those in that period of our relationship, it was invalidating to her because I was like scared all the time, just anxiety and fear. I finally got over that, but I treated her. Then I invalidated the second time, a double layer of that by criticizing her reaction to me. And the truth was I was walking around weak and afraid and that does not make her feel safe. So she kind of would push me away. So if you’re an alpha, you’re a leader, you’re the kind of man that she’s proud to be with. And something that maybe part of our mission is that you have to be a leader of yourself first.
Brad Singletary (00:24:44):
You know, yes, lead your family, lead in the job, leading your community, but you’ve gotta be a win for her. You gotta be something that she’s proud of. You gotta be someone that she can respect either trophy, husband. Yeah, right. Be the trophy husband. It feels good when, you know, say someone at work notices you. It feels good to be, to have that recognized and celebrated other people give you a Pat on the back or you know, high five. But when the big boss notices, it’s on a whole nother level. So you’re the big boss and you better be a boss, meaning have yourself under control that you, you are on a path that can be respected. What do you think about this idea that you being a high value man, you being an alpha in general validates her because she says, Hey, check out my dude.
Mike Spurgin (00:25:37):
Yeah. So she wants you to alpha up. She wants to like be on your arm. There was a funny this may, this may fit into this. So I on Instagram done the feed the other day. There was this picture that somebody had posted and it was this kind of a Fabio looking dude and then there was a chick with them and I don’t think it was Fabio and I don’t know who the woman was, but these, this couple was together and the person who posted this was just sort of like this like exclamation point. Like this is where it was at. And I think that the visualization that she was trying to convey was like, doesn’t every chick want to have a dude who is like sharp and turned out and like put together and this would be like that high level alpha dude.
Mike Spurgin (00:26:22):
I don’t know. It just represented in a picture. This is just a photograph. But I think what this, what this message was was like I the, from the woman’s perspective, I want to be with somebody who makes me feel like a million bucks. Like this guy, you just, the way his look in his eye, you know, the thought was like she w all those words you said or like felt safe with this guy. She felt like protected. She felt like, like this was a safe place to be with this guy. Sort of like the lion and the lioness like together. What a partnership, what a team. Like. They’re unstoppable. And if a woman isn’t what the lion she’s, you know, like with the little kitty cat that doesn’t seem like she’s got a Ray doesn’t fit and she’s got to raise her Cubs, right? She wants to be, she, she needs a family, she needs the cave, she needs all of those things that’s wired in her DNA.
Mike Spurgin (00:27:15):
And if you’re not going to provide that and you can’t provide that, then she doesn’t feel safe. And then in her, in her vulnerability, she might be passively aggressing aggressively attacking you and somehow in a really hamfisted terrible way, what she’s trying to do is like pump you up and push you up and it’s, it’s a, it’s a really terrible way to do this, but you can almost give her a pass and say, I kind of understand why you’re treating him like he’s a piece of garbage cause he’s kind of failing you. Like he’s failing you. That guy is not coming through for you. He’s not alpha for you.
Brad Singletary (00:27:51):
A simple visual that we can all relate to with that. Maybe you’re in the mall and you see like this super ugly, nasty looking guy with this super hot woman with him and we think, Whoa, what is, what is she doing with him? You know, we kind of have, it’s like there’s some, there’s not a match. So if you’re a high value man, that’s kind of proof. That’s proof to her that she’s a high value woman. That’s great validation. I think, you know if you’re in control of yourself and you’re not reactive, that’s something I think most men have a hard time dealing with emotion and things like her reactivity. We then just continue the cycle around and around because we’re reacting to that in a way anyway. We’re coming back down to the, to the micro level. But in general, if you’re an alpha, that’s the validating to her.
Mike Spurgin (00:28:39):
So have you ever had a couple who the wife was very passive aggressive and dismissive of the husband and then the husbands sort of woke up, got his shit together, figured stuff out, sort of became the leader in the home. And then without really with the wife, maybe not doing a whole lot, just sort of, she sort of came around like her attitude shifted. Things changed just because his dad
Brad Singletary (00:29:03):
To changed. Yeah. He becomes the example. You lead with example and she responds I think by some like mirroring. If you’re the leader and you show that you can improve that. I see that all the time. The man starts to eat better. She buys different groceries and now she’s eating better. Just as a, as a dumb example maybe, but for sure you lead out with that you’re balanced and you keep her inspired.
Mike Spurgin (00:29:31):
Are we saying if your relationship, this is not a generic statement that’s going to fit everything, but in some instances, if your relationship sucks and your wife is very dismissive
Brad Singletary (00:29:42):
Of you, it’s your fault speaking to the guy, I would say yes. Yeah. Have you ever had that conversation with anybody and they just like, I can, I can perceive like the rage back at you. Yeah. They don’t see it as fair. They’re, they’re in that position because they lack awareness anyway. Maybe they’re in that situation because they lack empathy anyway and they’re defensive and they don’t want it. They don’t want to change. Sadly. You know what? You know when men wake up so many times after the separation, after she cheated, after the divorce, after it’s maybe, maybe there’s enough time to save it, but I feel like so few men really wake up if they’re, if, if they have good insight and they’re, and they’re humble, they can kind of figure it out before it’s too late. But so many people, they get it right the second time they get it right after the devastation has already happened and they realize, yeah, I’m a jerk.
Brad Singletary (00:30:42):
I had a man in my office. Yeah, today it was today’s Thursday. We’re recording on Thursday, but, and I had to basically tell him this very thing. He starts to cry and he says, I think I just need to believe that I need to. I need to believe it until I believe it, that I have to change and I have to be better. So it can’t just be about talk. This has to be a genuine leveling up for yourself. So this can’t just be about talk. You have to be balanced and your words begin to matter because you start living up to ideals and you’re living a principle centered life and that’s inspiring to her. So what about the guy who just doesn’t have a clue? I like what you just said. The guy who lives these principle centered ideas about his own living. Where does a guy go to find these?
Brad Singletary (00:31:36):
How does it dude who doesn’t have a framework? It’s a splits. Paint a word picture here. This is a guy who’s divorced. Parents didn’t have male role models in his life, didn’t participate in community Scouts or church or sports or whatever, where it was either not modeled to him or maybe it wasn’t even modeled in a very good way, but he doesn’t have these foundations to be that kind of guy. He doesn’t even understand what that looks like. He’s got media, TV, whatever, all that stuff. Has bros there, his coaches. How does a guy who wants to train up, where’s he going to start? One place to start is by her, I call it the wife coach. If you listen to her, she’s probably already telling you. She’s probably already given you the feedback. She’s probably been telling you for years and maybe have dismissed it, maybe haven’t heard it.
Brad Singletary (00:32:31):
You’ve invalidated the whole thing and made excuses. Maybe start with her. I love the idea of try. We talk about this so much. You need strong men around you who are already trying to be better and are already, have reached someplace that you want to get to. You gotta go somewhere. You can tell on yourself and there’s so many books and resources out there, you know there’s therapy and there’s just all kinds of all kinds. When the, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Ooh, I like that. What about self-validation? So maybe we’re already talking that a little bit, but how do we validate her by understanding our own worth and our own value as a man, validating yourself, validates your partner. And if you think you’re just a worthless piece of garbage, there’s probably no chance that she’s going to have a lot of respect for you and admiration for you.
Brad Singletary (00:33:24):
So when you validate yourself, you lead by example, and the stronger influence you have in her life, the more she’s going to mimic that. So if you’re saying then, okay, so let’s go back. Thank you for talking about how when you would come home and you’ve like filled up with anxiety and then she would react against that and that would spiral you. Is this, this just snaking its tail? So she’s disrespecting you? Yes. Yeah. I was hurt, man. She would, she didn’t want anything to do with me. She disrespecting you because you were disrespectful. I don’t think that’s a word, but is it, is it true to say or fair to say that you didn’t respect yourself? You didn’t carry your head high, you, you slunk around hanging dog and then she just read that energy and was like, I don’t have an anchor.
Brad Singletary (00:34:11):
I don’t have a man here. Yeah. I was so insecure that that just kind of vibed off of me. I feel, I swear my wife has a clairvoyant or I don’t know the word, she can just read energy very well. It’s, it’s a curse. You know, it’s, it’s cool because she’s very sensitive. But if I come in feeling some insecurity and fear, it’s almost like, you know, dogs can sense fear horses and different animals. She, she knows when I’m not good with myself. Okay. And that makes her go, Oh, you’re gross. And then she has one of the thing to do with me and I go further into the insecurity. Just defeats itself. Yeah. So basically that I, that idea, like she’s disrespecting a wife may be this is, this is my Belinda. Some of these dudes, your wife may be disrespecting you because you don’t respect yourself and you have, there’s no other way that this, this thing could go down. You, it’s your fault. That’s right. You’re the leader, bro. It’s your fault. You’re the head of that. You’re the captain of the team and you’re not being a captain, right? Yeah. She, you’re one of the children. Yeah. You’re being, you’re a child, you’re childish. She’s tired of it. She’s over it. She’s worn out, she’s tired out. And that’s not sexy at all. It is not attractive. And so that’s like her, her eye rolls and her dismissing you is completely like valid. Right. I just validated that it, it’s not excusing it right,
Mike Spurgin (00:35:38):
Because she, now let’s, let’s poke a little hole on her though. Right? Okay. So we’re in one mind and we’re giving her an excuse to say like, we get it, baby, we get it while you’re doing that, but how does a woman alpha up and then how does she stop doing that? Because she’s got to realized that’s counterproductive. Well, she may also be looking for her value from, from him. You know, she, it happens naturally and maybe that’s what we’re trying to say. This is right or wrong. It happens. So she’s gonna pick up some sense of her own worth from you. But if she, if she wants to disconnect from that, she’s got to do the same thing. She’s got to look in the mirror. She’s got to love herself. She’s gotta be her own best friend. She’s got to be her own loving parent.
Mike Spurgin (00:36:22):
She’s got to be someone who appreciates herself more than anyone. So both, I think both need to do that. So both of them can alpha up. Both of them can do this and the wife could be doing this to the husband and the husband. He could grow some balls and he could steal up against it. Like he doesn’t have to take that and be offended by that just because he’s, he’s being weak. That’s okay. I mean, that could be a season in his life. The wife is reacting. She’s throwing that energy right back at him. So it’s his fault that he’s causing her to react like that. Here’s where it gets trippy, but it’s also his fault that that he takes offense by that and he’s pissed off by that. Like it’s all his fault. It’s all his fault, but if he can, here’s how he kind of stops the cycle by, you know, this is an alpha up move is to accept it and believe it.
Mike Spurgin (00:37:10):
Hear what she’s saying. I just think very few people are just mean-spirited in nature and they’re totally dogging on you when there’s nothing there. If there’s smoke, there’s fire, you know? I mean it’s like if she’s criticizing you and complaining about you, there’s probably something to it. Accept it and take it in and say, okay, that’s, that’s feedback. I want data. That’s education knowledge. I want to know when my gas tank is empty. I need to see that stuff and so you’re giving me an indicator that something’s wrong here. I’m going to, I’m going to check this, I’m gonna, I’m going to get myself right. It does. It does go both ways. She could alpha up and then she could, she could decide to not throw that back at him. She could find like what you just said, she could, she could choose to not get her worth out of him and then not choose to like need his validation need to be like pumped up by him told, you know, cause we’re going to get to some of these comments that are made it.
Mike Spurgin (00:38:03):
But some of these women you had these interactions with, they told you what they kind of like and want to, how they want to be treated when they’re being validated. But a woman could rise above that and choose to not need that. It’s nice to get it. It’s, it’s a nice little, you know, bit of frosting on top of the milkshake, a little little whipped cream. But she, she could get to the point where she doesn’t need to have that to, to have her self worth. And so both parties really are at fault if their relationship was like that. They’re both at fault. But I would say to the man, you’re the most at fault. You’re the most, you’re the most, you’re 51% at fault. That’s right. I like that.
Brad Singletary (00:38:48):
You asked earlier about where does a man go if he didn’t have the right example? All he has is, you know what’s out there in the media and these kind of superficial examples of masculinity or whatever. Where does he go if he wants to be a principle centered man? That’s one of the reasons we’re doing this. You guys, we just want to share information, things that we’ve learned by sad experience of failure. We’re just normal dudes here, but we, we’ve tried to identify some things that make a man a strong man. What makes an alpha, you know, and those red nine things. We talk about responsibility and resourcefulness and energy and just discipline. There’s so many of those principles there that if you read through some of those on our website, our other episodes, we talk about that too. There’s a, there’s a million models.
Brad Singletary (00:39:34):
There’s a million codes out there. There’s all kinds of things. You Google it. How to be a better man. That may be a start. If you don’t know, message me or Mike on social media, we’ll set you up. We’ll get you started. Because there’s, there’s plenty of resources out there. The red nine is one of those, I like how that all fits together for our kind of brand of masculinity. But there’s plenty of places for that. Let’s talk about how to do this. How to, so in the moment in the moment of need, she needs to be validated. How and when should I do that? What are some of the things that go along with you know, we’ve talked about big picture validation be a stud and she will feel good about herself and she’ll give you some love back. Although that can’t be the motivation, but how, and when do we validate
Mike Spurgin (00:40:26):
This is where a guy’s gotta like be looking, be paying attention and you know, one of these great little things you have in here, we’ll just jump maybe to the sec, this other little section here. If you’re not paying attention because you’re, you’re, you’re having this moment with your wife and then you’re on the phone, you know, you’re playing on your phone or you’re reading an email or you’re doing something or you don’t like put your hands calm, you don’t like stop yourself, settle yourself, and then focus and look and pay attention to what they’re saying, how they’re presenting to you, that throwing you cues, they’re giving you body language. They’re like seeing words to you. And if, if I am so preoccupied in my own head, I’m just missing all that. And that’s like, again, maybe disrespectful. Like I’m dissing, I’m disrespecting the other person who’s standing right there in front of me. So to validate, I think to me the simple answer is pay attention,
Brad Singletary (00:41:17):
Pay attention. That’s great. I’m terrible with this where I may be doing something, my wife’s talking to me and I may even be trying to answer with these generic, canned, yeah, okay. Yeah. You know, and I’m just, I’m trying to do my thing that I’m doing and you’re trying to like rush, isn’t it? So like you’re rushing them through [inaudible] and she knows I’m not listening. So many times it’s, it’s hard. It’s breaks my heart to see her heartbroken where she just walks me, you’re not even listening, you know? Well, I’ll talk about it later. Ah, I’m just so ashamed of myself and then do that. So I like that. Be present, pay attention. I don’t know where I heard this, but someone talked about turn your shoulders toward the person. If you want to engage with them, face them face front, turn toward them. And that’s one way that kind of directs your body in their direction. Directs your attention toward them. And I liked that little just body movement, you know, that changed toward toward them.
Mike Spurgin (00:42:17):
I don’t know why I was thinking about this, but I’ve not really read much. Dale Carnegie and some of those types of speakers and presenters and I thought idea, you know, guys. But it seems to me like when you’re with somebody that you respect, they seem to like, I’m thinking of some people that I know in business and another is of their life and they, they behave in those ways. Like you know, somebody could walk into their office and they are like fully attentive towards that person or they’re in a group and somebody comes up and then ask them a question and I am thinking of this person and how I’ve witnessed them sort of like turn, shift, focus. Look at this person, have this full moment with them. Like there’s other people around, there’s other demands on their attention. But for that moment, for that new person that popped in, like, I’m all yours, it’s I’m, everything I’m about is like what you’re about. Let’s do this thing. Five seconds, 10 seconds, whatever. It goes pretty quick. And then that person goes away and now they’re redirected and refocused and fully on whatever this new thing is. And so it’s this really like maybe this is this, this concept of like being really attentive and like attentive in strength, being like strongly focused and strongly, thoughtfully attentive towards this other person that’s like respect, total respect, showing them respect full on.
Brad Singletary (00:43:38):
If you’re in the middle of something that you can not interrupt, have the courtesy to say, give me, give me just one minute and I will, I want to give you my full attention. Let me finish this up. I have some over at that. I had to press send and let me just get this out and I want to, I don’t wanna listen to you. Just be patient with me for one minute and then follow them and follow through on that. You really have to really have to follow through on that. So definitely something I know that,
Mike Spurgin (00:44:00):
That I could work on. I think what if, Hey, I’ve just had this quick idea. What if you just put a little 32nd shot clock, you know, the kids come and they like wants you to play with them or the wife or whatever. Somebody wants her attention. You’re like, just give me a 32nd on the shot clock. I gotta I gotta like drop this email, I gotta drop this thing. I gotta finish this out cause cause I’m giving this my attention, right? Like I’m focused here on this. Let me just wind this down and then I’m fully focused on you.
Brad Singletary (00:44:25):
Yeah, give them that same thing I hear so much about like video games. That’s man I got, we’re going to one. We’re going to have to do a whole episode on video games. It’s killing me when I hear about these guys that come home from work in a 10 hour shift and play five hours of video game, you deserve to be divorced. You deserve to be paying 29% of your income and child support. You deserve to get cheated on. You deserve not good things. If you’re sitting there playing soldier on a F, I’m just, I you, you’re fired. I don’t like, I just hate what video games is doing to men and I, and I get it. You need to escape. You need to do things. Maybe, you know, I’m sure I have my own forms of escapism and whatever, but it’s a particularly bad one. That one’s not very productive. And so I heard a wife the other day, she’s there, they’re pregnant with her fourth child. He works hard, but he comes home and to distress. He’s just playing a video game. As I turn it off, man. She’s just need your attention. She just needs your time. Just sit with, just watch TV with her. She doesn’t need a heavy conversation. So part of validation is being present, paying attention. Really actually listening.
Mike Spurgin (00:45:35):
Dude, that was pretty strong about the whole video game thing. You’re going to get some hate mail. I hope so. I hope so. Oh, so you want to be a
Brad Singletary (00:45:42):
Boy? Sorry. I know we can’t say that, but what about sincerity? You know, I think guys have kind of learned the robot language of, Oh, you look good. You know, or thank you. Or like you said, I love you before you go to bed and those kinds of things. It’s just emptiness. And something that I’ve found really helpful is when guys are specific and dramatic. So like, dang baby, what did you do? What are you wearing? You smell like, you smell like a bouquet of like wild flowers, you know? And it’s gotta be good. Just a little bit dramatic. So these are in compliments or whatever, but if you’re disingenuous, it just makes her suspicious, you know, she’ll think, ah, he just wants to get laid or whatever. And she just doesn’t trust that if it’s the same old thing, you always say, nice job, dinner’s good. Thanks for making the dinner. That means zero.
Mike Spurgin (00:46:37):
Oh, that is, that is some alpha stuff. So you’re like, throw an energy into it. You’re like got personality going on, you’re keeping it like up, energy up, playful, fun clapping, you know, just doing whatever, throwing a little spin on it. Little theatrical, like why not? She’s like, here, taste the soup babe. Taste the CPC Haute taste, take a taste of it and start breakdancing and just like flip like, Holy crap. Whoa. Blowing my mind. Yes dude, I did not, I never thought of that. It’s just,
Brad Singletary (00:47:08):
You know, and you don’t have to be, of course you’re not going to be fake about it, but you’re trying to say, I’m celebrating you in this moment. I, you’re, you’re special to me. And here you are. You, you, you’ve done this work. You’ve done this thing. You’re just showing up pretty. Or even if she doesn’t look pretty, but you can find something pretty about how she looks. Man, that just goes a long way to be sincere. Be consistent, you know, consistency. That, that’s, that’s what proves that it’s authentic. I mentioned this before, there was a probably a Gold’s gym sticker somewhere I saw one time and it said, if you want respect, be consistent. And so don’t just start showing up with the compliments when it’s, it’s, it’s that time in your season of, you know, this is when it’s time for you think you’re going to get laid that night, but be consistent in your positivity. Be truthful. Say what you see. Tell her, repeat it back to her. You know, and your eyelashes look so good today. What did you do? You did you? Wow. And just notice those things. So many women complain about, I walk in, I used to be a brunette today. It’s blonde and he didn’t even
Mike Spurgin (00:48:16):
The dim notice. Boom. Dang. If you remember nothing else from this one, this number, whatever number this is. Remember what Brad’s drop it right now cause this is gold. Pure gold. That’s awesome. Okay, so I mean basically Brad wrote a book right now and just dropped all this knowledge on you. Like I said, if there’s nothing else you take away and don’t remember anything else, blah, blah, blah, the rest of it, but just remember how to validate and like that really explosively fun way. You know? Isn’t that true how women are like F he makes me laugh. If you can, if you can throw a compliment and and get a laugh out of it at the same time. Holy crap, that’s money. That is money right there. That whole video game thing that you’re going to get some hate mail on that. I hope so that you’re going to, you’re going to have your tire slashed.
Mike Spurgin (00:49:03):
Okay. What about the idea of acceptance? Okay. We kind of started out, my thought was like, this is all about unconditional love. There is no right or wrong. There was no judgment. There was no fixing. How does validating somebody look like just letting them be who they are, but yet not giving in or letting it stay that way. I might be in a relationship that really needs some work. I’m going to accept that I’m going to be okay with that. I’m going to make choices that don’t continually undermine that, but yet I want to change it. So it’s this weird place of like it is what it is, but I’m not going to accept that forever. It is what it is today, but tomorrow I want it to look differently. How does a person who’s in a relationship with somebody else be both of those things at the same time
Brad Singletary (00:49:51):
For themselves or you mean they’re trying to influence the other person?
Mike Spurgin (00:49:55):
I think ultimately we’re all trying to influence other people in our lives, aren’t we? Like we all want, we all want us to be better, our relationships to be better.
Brad Singletary (00:50:03):
Yeah. Well, I think, I love your example from a couple episodes. Go about, you know, you’re the gardener. You got to create the conditions for that. I have one of my flaws as a person is that I, I’ve wanted in the past to change people and correct them and so, so to speak. You know, it changes people. You know who taught me this taco Mike, what changes people is love. He wants somebody to be better. You love them just the way they are unchanged. You find all the good and you just keep, you just keep giving it to them. You just keep telling them about what they are about the good that they are and you keep you keep feeding into that and their own self love will will help them change. So we, if you want to inspire someone first be the example and love them on change.
Brad Singletary (00:50:49):
I just think our job is not to correct our partner. You know, if they’re asking for feedback, go for it, shoot them straight. But so many times I think men are just, you use the word disagreeable before. They just want to find the fault in it. So much of that is a projection. Anyway. So Brad, something you’ve said before is you know, we talk about gauges, reading the gauges. How do you know how to validate her when her gauges are in a place that like she needs it, she’s ready for it and you need to, like, you need to jump in there in that moment. How do you pay attention to that? I think if you just know her, if you’ve been paying attention, you should know when she’s, when her energy is off. Maybe her mood has changed. There’s something different about her today.
Brad Singletary (00:51:33):
There’s been a stressful situation. One of the questions from the from the Gottman stuff about on the love maps is about what are their current stresses, you know, what are the, what is the, what are the hard things that they’re dealing with right now? And if you’re connected to your partner, you know what those hard things are. And so don’t forget just because you’ve been at work and now you’ve come home, don’t forget that when you left that morning or you last night, she was dealing with something, it still may be present. So if you’re discerning, you can read the, you can read those gauges. So her body language, her words, women are, you know, they’re great at giving hints and so you gotta be able to read that and believe she’s trying to communicate with me something. All behavior is a communication.
Brad Singletary (00:52:17):
So if she’s moping around, if she’s, if she’s sad or she’s acting different, or even if she’s snippy with you, that is communicating something. And so that may be a way for you to just respond to it by saying, Hey, I notice I noticed that you’ve just started with I notice. And that that gets you going in the right direction. You can put, put any fill anything in the blank. I noticed you seem a little down today. I noticed that you’re, you seem upset. What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it? That’s super validating. That’s money. And so Brad’s dropping that, that high dollar high value stuff here at the tail end. Earlier we asked some women earlier this week, I asked some women on social media for some help. I just said, Hey, we’re doing a podcast on how to validate women.
Brad Singletary (00:53:03):
And so we have some really awesome responses here and just wanted to share some of those with you. Some of these women actually are therapists, so they’re not only in partnerships, but they’re working with men and women in relationships. So interestingly the stuff that they, that they have shared. So the first one is my friend Carly Kramer. She says, I teach partners to ask women, do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it? I mean, that’s so huge because men believe they’re supposed to fix it. They just automatically do that. They assume they assume that’s what they’re doing. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it? Men are solution focused. And so that’s their default mode. So men need to know if, if that is not what is needed, you know, then you can pivot and just listen.
Brad Singletary (00:53:48):
Because women want to externally process their thoughts and feelings by talking. Men can interpret that talking as a call to action. You know, probably wrongly that this, they’re talking as a call to their own action, but sometimes it’s just they need to talk and process. That’s how they think is by talking. Carly also says also never capital letters. And I may never tell a woman to calm down physiologically she cannot, the adrenaline and cortisol are already pumping through her veins and she cannot bring it down quickly because you say, calm down. In fact, because she feels like an imp because that feels like an impossible feat to accomplish. It will actually make her more angry or upset or frustrated because now they feel like they can’t control their emotions. They’re making you upset. And so she encourages men to ask, how can I help this will fulfill the solution wired brain, you’re, you’re helping. And also help her feel like they’re, you know, like, like you’re on the same team. That you’re there to help. They love, they love that they, they want to be helped, but you just can’t start jumping in with solutions and well here’s, this is what you’re doing wrong. And of course you have a headache, you know, look at what your, you haven’t had water that those kinds of things aren’t or unhelpful.
Mike Spurgin (00:55:17):
Okay. So this one’s from Jamie. Jamie says, I agree with all the comments so far. This isn’t on that thread. I’m a talker. I know that I have to be mindful of how much to talk to not talk at times, but, but when I do, I appreciate when I’m listened to and when he’s engaged in compliments are definitely needed. Seriously. I don’t ever think that there can be too much of that sincere. However, of course she adds being able to share insecurities without telling me I shouldn’t say that or feel that way. The busy, the busy part of life can often lead to being too focused and getting tunnel vision. I love it when my husband does the simple things like passing by me in a room and just acknowledging I’m there by eye contact or a smile, maybe a wink, just something that says Hey, I see you. Versus just walking by without even looking over at me.
Brad Singletary (00:56:07):
I, I try to make it a point to, if I pass by my wife, I want to touch her. You know, usually it may be some kind of smack her butt, but sometimes I just, I just want to rush my arm and just like, Hey, I’m, I’m here. I see you. I see you there. It’s almost like if you’re in a tight space and you put your arm on the person so that you can pass by him. I like, I like this from Jamie. This is actually, some of you have had, we’ve seen you had Mike Olson on the show. This is his wife who said that. Oh, that’s good. So he’s smiling and making eye contact is good job, Mike props. The next one is Heidi. Anyway, she says for me, I just need him to listen and not try to fix it. I need to feel loved and cared for in the moment. As soon as he tries to fix it, somehow I feel completely alone and a lot of times it makes me feel like something wrong with me for feeling that way. Usually telling me some positive things about myself really helps and takes my mind off of whatever I was upset about.
Mike Spurgin (00:57:01):
That seems to be a theme growing here. Danielle says, for me, being sympathetic goes a long way. It’s okay. Is it a that as a man he doesn’t understand what I’m going through, but just a wow, that must be tough is what I need to hear that followed by. That’s why you’re so strong. Beautiful. Resilient helps. Every time
Brad Singletary (00:57:20):
Another woman said, being fully present, we’ve talked about that being fully present and not distracted by the game or his phone. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time and undivided attention. Listen to understand and not to respond. Acknowledge what she’s saying. Even if you disagree, being heard and understood is so important. Also show her you appreciate her. Don’t just say it, but show it. Often we as women don’t feel valued and appreciated. A little appreciation goes a long way to one. Andrea,
Mike Spurgin (00:57:53):
I enjoy my husband telling me how gorgeous C thinks I am, especially after 40. That matters. It’s also nice to hear. Thank you. And have him put his phone away during conversations.
Brad Singletary (00:58:02):
So Josie friend of mine also a therapist says nodding saying that’s interesting. Not giving advice unless you’re asked saying things like, that’s tough. Tell me more. I’m sorry you’re feeling blank. Eye contact when she’s talking. She said, sometimes women need to vent, they don’t need advice. The conversation can greatly improve your relationship.
Mike Spurgin (00:58:29):
Ashley. I a hundred percent agree with reflective listening. I’ve also told him that on some days I just need to hear, I understand what you’re dealing with. It sounds rough or something to that effect. We do it with our children. I think that practice can easily carry over. I understand you’re upset right now. Do you need me to just listen? Do you want me to help you solve your problem? I think opening with that helps them to know where to go from there. So if I want his opinion, he can validate my feelings by saying something like, I understand that’s frustrating or difficult. Maybe we could try to try it this way instead. Or if I just need him to listen, then he can say he understands and reply accordingly. A lot of times it’s just a simple nod of the head or a hug that could validate the whole thing as well. Avoid phrases like, well that’s just what happens or, right, so like will you, you deserve like what did you think was going to happen? What did you expect? Exactly.
Brad Singletary (00:59:22):
Okay. I can hear myself saying that a little bit too. That’s kind of rough or well, you’re just going to have to deal with that or, well, if you did it this way then, Oh, okay. That’s you want to, you want to like ruin everything. Do this. This is the invalidation model right here. I think this is super important and definitely goes both ways. Another big role validation, I think is a love language. I found that in my own marriage, love languages are basically tied into just about every aspect of marriage. That’s great. So knowing this is Ashley saying, if you know what she needs, you can validate her by giving that to her. So I want to move on here into knowing your partner and knowing what kind of validation she needs. Several different women. There were several different things, some simple compliments were enough.
Brad Singletary (01:00:10):
Others want to be seen as or recognized as having made a contribution. I think when it comes to feedback or attention, the more specific you are, we sometimes don’t have the language you almost may have to practice how to describe her beautiful face. If you say you look pretty a thousand times, it doesn’t mean a lot, but if you can get colorful work on how to say it in the South there’s a lot of little, I don’t know if it’s metaphor or simile or whatever, but they would say things like you’re as pretty as a speckled puppy. That’s a real, yeah, you’re pretty as a speckled puppy bear. It is. That kind of ties back to what you were saying earlier. Like drop it, drop the compliment, but like wrap that in a little, a little basket. But a flavor, a little bit of flavor, a little comedy, a little, little sassyness like that’s, that’s gold right there. Yeah. I just said sassy. That’s the episode. Shut it down.
Brad Singletary (01:01:08):
Another thought here is, is to notice what she takes pride in. She’s investing a lot of her time and energy and the things. She’s got a little project, she’s doing something with the kids. She’s made a cute little decoration for Easter or whatever. Notice that she’s put that that time and that was very validating. That gives her encouragement and makes her feel seen. Sometimes women will say things like, did you notice I cleaned the garage? Did you notice? Did you notice I held your truck? That’s a setup that she’s waiting for the ball to get spiked, but that just says she needs that recognition. I think anything that doesn’t get recognized leaves us anything we’re not paying attention to, we lose it. That’s the bottom line. You’re not paying attention to the, to the, to the maintenance on your vehicle. You’re going to lose the ability of your vehicle to operate.
Brad Singletary (01:01:58):
You don’t pay attention to the, to the lawn. And that it needs water in this heat, you’re going to lose it. You don’t pay attention to your wife, you’re going to lose her boom emotionally or in reality. Oh will be gone. You got to recognize what you want to keep. Mike dropped one good example, and we’re going to wrap this up here soon, but one good example that I’ve heard of it was actually in my men’s group and a guy was talking about, his woman was you know, she said, I’m fine. He said, how you doing? She said, I’m fine. And he didn’t know what to say. One of the other guys in the group, a great illustration of why you need to try it. One of the other guys in groups said, here, say this. She says, I’m fine. He’s asking about how she’s doing with the corn team.
Brad Singletary (01:02:44):
She said, I’m fine. And one of the guys coached him a little bit and he said here to say this babe, I’m not even fine. And it sure feels like you aren’t fine. So if you want to talk about anything, I’m here for it. I’ll listen to you and respect whatever you have to say. So this may be tough if she has some problem with you, but don’t be defensive and just let her vent, whatever the thing may be. Another one that I really like is just, you’re right, if you start with your right and then tell her why she’s right. You’re right. I get it. That guy was such a jerk. You know, you’re right. Your boss is really, he is condescending. Just if you agree with it and, and I don’t mean that you’re always going to agree, but if you can find her truth in it and validating means, remember we started the episode with validated means it’s acceptable, right?
Brad Singletary (01:03:40):
If I thought someone saw me that way, I would be hurt too. So share some empathy with it. Assume that what her experience is that what she’s describing as her experiences is real. Just accepting that wherever she’s coming from, it’s valuable. It’s legit. So just wrap it up here. I want to, I want to close out with again, what I think is your most powerful way to validate your woman. And that is to check who you are, that you validate yourself. You’re not reacting to her behavior, you accept who she is. One of the red nine principles is responsibility, and part of that is that you accept things that you cannot change. Well, you cannot change her. She needs to be accepted, and when you validate her, it builds trust. It builds empathy, it builds intimacy. All of that leads to a better relationship and satisfaction for both of you.
Brad Singletary (01:04:36):
Remember, if you’re an alpha, you’re a leader, you’re the leader of your relationship. If things need to improve, you improve. Validation is one way that you can do that. If you need some help, get with us. If you need some direction about how you can begin to heal this part of your connection with your, with your spouse or partner, let us know. We’ll get you set up. We’ll catch you again soon. Hey, thanks for listening to another episode of the alpha show. We believe that men changed their lives by engaging with a tribe to improve their actions, attitudes, and attributes. You can check out the show notes on our website alphaquorum.com follow us on Instagram and Facebook, and please leave us rating and review wherever you listen to our show. Hey, this is a podcast, not therapy. So even though we may feature professionals on the show, this is not intended as therapeutic advice. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to us and we can get you pointed in the right direction. Until next time, gentlemen.