083: AMOR FATI – Alpha Endurance Part One

083: AMOR FATI – Alpha Endurance Part One

“This is a million-dollar conversation.” – Taco Mike

 

Part one of a two-part series. Brad, Taco Mike, Jimmy Durbin, and Mike Olsen discuss one of the principles from the Red9, ENDURANCE. An alpha trains his mind to endure difficulty, he has written goals and adjusts when necessary. This show is improving and is probably our best episode ever.

 

 

FULL TRANSCRIPT

 

00:00:00:01 – 00:00:03:17
Brad Singletary
It is delusion, if you believe that there is not going to be difficulty.

00:00:03:26 – 00:00:05:26
Mike Olsen
What do I want to have at the end of my life?

00:00:05:27 – 00:00:17:29
Taco Mike
I don’t like where I’m at. But this is where I’m at. And this is my reality. I decided that I would endure the things that would come up time and time again in the future.

00:00:18:00 – 00:00:33:08
Brad Singletary
I love the concept, the thought of Amor Fati. It means love of fate. Whatever happens, don’t just accept it and don’t just be OK with it, but lean into it and believe it is for the best and believe that that it is going to make you better.

00:00:33:16 – 00:00:38:26
Brad Singletary
Use it as fuel. I love it. I’ll make something of this and it’s going to strengthen me.

00:00:39:04 – 00:00:56:16
Mike Olsen
Humans are the only creatures that I’m aware of that can literally visualize in the distance from a time perspective what they want to become by their choices and by these calculated, written down destinations in the future and actually get there.

00:00:56:16 – 00:01:00:02
Jimmy Durbin
But I think if I’m on the mat, you’re going to have to choke me out.

00:01:09:16 – 00:01:22:00
Speaker 5
If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better, you are in the right place. You are responsible. You are strong. You are a leader.

00:01:22:19 – 00:01:26:03
Speaker 6
You are a force for good. Gentlemen.

00:01:26:23 – 00:01:30:19
Speaker 5
You are the Alpha. And this is the alpha quorum.

00:01:35:13 – 00:01:58:26
Brad Singletary
Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum Show, Brad Singletary here, you guys, this is going to be an exciting episode. We got the dream team up in here. These are some of my favorite guys on this planet, and I think some of the best of the guests that we’ve had and these aren’t guests, these are regulars and are soon going to be a very integral part of all that we’re doing here in the Alpha Quorum. Am I right to have Tucker? Mike, welcome back, brother.

00:01:58:26 – 00:02:00:11
Taco Mike
What’s up, everybody? Hello, Brad.

00:02:01:01 – 00:02:21:03
Brad Singletary
We also have Jimmy Durbin, who’s the episode that he, Mike and I did is the most downloaded episode ever. That one was a shit sandwich. That’s where we talk about our separations and how we brought back, brought our marriages back to life, one of our best ever. And also Mike Olson. Welcome back, Mike.

00:02:21:07 – 00:02:24:03
Mike Olsen
Thank you guys for allowing me to come in here. This has been fun.

00:02:24:11 – 00:02:31:00
Brad Singletary
Mike’s the good looking one in the room, mostly because of his grooming. He’s got a nice haircut and stuff. Everybody else, we’re all.

00:02:31:01 – 00:02:32:13
Taco Mike
He’s the only one who tries. Yeah.

00:02:33:04 – 00:02:59:17
Brad Singletary
We’re all a little scraggly over here. I think we have like 200 years between all of us. I know some of your at least 50 and I’m on the way to 50, so we got like 200 years of experience in this room right now. Yes. So hopefully we can come up with some awesome things to share. Our topic tonight is endurance. We’ve been doing this series on the Red nine and right now we’re on endurance and this is about the alpha who patiently pursues what he wants.

00:03:00:27 – 00:04:16:20
Brad Singletary
He trains his mind. He keeps what he’s pursuing, visible as a written goal. He’s open to new approaches and he adjusts when necessary. He patiently perseveres with fortitude and grit. He seeks and accepts support, and he knows his limitations and quits only when he must. So I just think this is a fantastic topic. So many men, you know, have energy out of the gate. This was I don’t know if this is something they say in the South or I don’t know where I got this from, but imagine like a horse, you know, he’s hell out of the gate, but he ain’t much for stamina. But anyway, he’s hopefully that’s not a sexual reference. But so endurance really is about dealing with difficult things, pushing through, pursuing the things you want. And these men here have been through some interesting experiences and have tons of wisdom and knowledge about how to endure. We’ve shared a lot of our difficulties on previous episodes, but I just want to talk about the importance first of. Being mentally tough. To train our mind first, what thoughts do you have about accepting the fact that things are going to be hard?

00:04:18:06 – 00:04:35:08
Taco Mike
You mean not being a person trapped in delusional thinking, right? So aren’t we aren’t we in a way, just talking about the mindset of being a realist because life is often shitty and circumstances are often nowhere near what?

00:04:35:08 – 00:04:59:10
Taco Mike
What that like that idea or the ideal is? So to me, you’re talking about a man. So we’re talking about alpha here who embodies the character’s characteristics of endurance. I think one of the baseline building blocks of that is a man who just accepts wherever he’s at in his life and whatever’s going on in his life.

00:04:59:10 – 00:05:17:29
Taco Mike
Whatever his current circumstances are, he just gets to a mindset where he can be calm, even if it’s a shit show like it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, it’s irrelevant. But if he could get to the mindset, if he could grow to the mindset, we’re in this exact moment he is look at and say it

00:05:17:29 – 00:05:27:24
Taco Mike
is what it is. I’m OK with this. I’m not going to stay here. I don’t like where I’m at. But this is where I’m at. And this is my reality.

00:05:28:26 – 00:05:46:26
Brad Singletary
I love how you’re mentioning right out of the gate talking about delusion. If there’s there, it is delusion if you believe that there is not going to be difficulty. And the last two years have shown us that for sure, you know, and if we can’t get into the mindset that I can deal with difficult things and and

00:05:46:26 – 00:06:07:24
Brad Singletary
carry on, it’s going to be a hard time. I love the Buddhist thought that life is suffering and and as we accept that we actually suffer less. How about you two thoughts on training our mind, just getting to the belief that we can and will that we will deal with difficult things and that it’s going to be

00:06:07:24 – 00:06:10:28
Brad Singletary
OK. We can have some control in our lives.

00:06:12:03 – 00:06:13:21
Mike Olsen
Ever thought that? Go ahead and Jimi.

00:06:13:27 – 00:06:14:10
Jimmy Durbin
No, I grabbed.

00:06:14:10 – 00:06:35:26
Mike Olsen
Mine as you were talking about the delusion and endurance and then especially this last what, two years dealing with COVID. I think the delusion or the difficult part in knowing that it was going to be rough. Nobody knew how long the race was going to be.

00:06:35:27 – 00:06:50:12
Mike Olsen
We still aren’t sure half the time that we’re out of the woods or that we’re over it. And I think that’s one of the things that someone who I’m going to interpret Alpha. In in my own way is that.

00:06:51:08 – 00:07:11:08
Mike Olsen
Trying to accurately gauge the time. And the the length of this race, if we’re talking about enduring and if we’re talking about enduring happens to encompass time a certain amount of time and we just don’t know. We didn’t know, especially at the outset, we thought, Oh, this is going to be three months.

00:07:11:13 – 00:07:25:08
Mike Olsen
We’ll be out of this before too much longer. And that kept rolling and it kept rolling in it. It clearly has taken a toll on some people. And others have just figured out how to. OK, we’ll just we’ll roll with it.

00:07:25:09 – 00:07:37:29
Mike Olsen
I hate these masks. Some have just taken their own way and you know, they do whatever they want to. And then others just kind of they get by and they just know that, all right, we’ll get through this.

00:07:37:29 – 00:07:55:12
Mike Olsen
But I can’t sit here forever doing nothing. And that will get through. This is just another adaptation that I’m going to have to do, and I’ll figure out what I need. Some really can take advantage of the situation, and I mean that in a positive way.

00:07:55:25 – 00:08:12:10
Mike Olsen
From a business perspective, I know that there’s probably been relationships that have crumbled. There’s been businesses that have crumbled. There’s someone fairly close to me, you know, on the street where they at the time that COVID broke out, they were on a plane to India.

00:08:12:22 – 00:08:25:27
Mike Olsen
They were there. The father of the family had died, and so they have to come back. And yet they were they had just invested, you know, a few hundred thousand dollars in a venture to have some fabrication accomplished in India.

00:08:26:10 – 00:08:46:28
Mike Olsen
And all of their business plans were basically living and dying on the fact that you could send a container. This is some of the industry that I’m involved in. You could have a container going to and from China for, you know, four to $6,000 that went to $30000 in just a matter of a few months.

00:08:47:09 – 00:09:00:08
Mike Olsen
And it wipe them out. You would have had to have tens of millions to absorb some of those costs. And some of them, it wiped out that particular thing, and some people cannot sustain that kind of a loss.

00:09:00:24 – 00:09:20:06
Mike Olsen
Others sustain that type of a loss. And some people were, you know, through maybe a lucky break able to say, Oh, we’re not going to jump here, we’re going to take a different business. Avenue and take advantage of the fact that now we can’t go overseas, we can’t get things overseas, and now we’re in a position to

00:09:20:08 – 00:09:31:04
Mike Olsen
do that in the United States from a manufacturing standpoint, and they were able to succeed. And I think that there’s a lot of guys in the alpha world who, depending on what side of the fence they might be on.

00:09:31:16 – 00:09:42:20
Mike Olsen
Sometimes it cripples them, and sometimes it just temporarily makes them go, damn, that was a mistimed step. But let’s get back on the horse and let’s do it again.

00:09:42:21 – 00:09:59:23
Brad Singletary
Yeah, let’s adjust. I mean that that that story kind of encapsulates this whole this whole topic, really. So mindset, Jimi, what are we? What is the man who is, you know, capable and strong and prepared and able to endure what’s going on in his mind?

00:09:59:27 – 00:10:01:29
Brad Singletary
What does he think about himself in the world?

00:10:03:13 – 00:10:03:28
Taco Mike
Oh.

00:10:05:06 – 00:10:28:00
Jimmy Durbin
I mean, I like that. He trains his mind first. You know, the first thing that popped in my head is. How they train my sons. You know, so I go generationally, how did my dad train me? Um, and then I think what about those men who have a dad deficiency where there wasn’t a dad to do the

00:10:28:00 – 00:10:57:00
Jimmy Durbin
training? You know, my greatest failure has been. My addiction. It crippled me. And it was a retraining, a retooling. That humility. Being in a position to ask for help. Um. And the rigor. You know, even twelve years into sobriety, I still do my meetings, I still have my readings, I still this.

00:10:57:01 – 00:11:12:24
Jimmy Durbin
I find a series of actions that I take every single day, regardless of how I feel. So fuck my feelings, I can’t run my life on my feelings. And those actions are tied to what I define as spirituality.

00:11:14:26 – 00:11:33:21
Jimmy Durbin
And the reason that becomes my North Star and I’m training myself for that spot is because I think as I interact with all these energies, stress, shame, trauma, grief. How I define spirituality and being in that headspace, then allows me to metabolize that energy.

00:11:34:27 – 00:11:49:20
Brad Singletary
I love that I love how you describe that. So you’re talking about there was some failure in your life, you know, addiction brought you to bad places, but that’s because you were there, wasn’t there. There was some kind of training that you you were missing some mental preparation.

00:11:49:20 – 00:11:56:24
Brad Singletary
But now you’re staying in a place of sobriety because of what you’ve trained your mind.

00:11:57:08 – 00:12:19:19
Jimmy Durbin
I mean, I I grew up with a dad who taught, who instilled positivity. Self-Reliance be strong. I mean, I. When it comes to fight, flight or freeze, I’m running, and I did that as a teenager, my dad kicked me out of the house and said, Go beat up the bully.

00:12:20:04 – 00:12:41:11
Jimmy Durbin
I’m crying, Dad, I don’t want to don’t come back into this house, you know, until you get into a fight. Now that that was his way and that was his father’s way. But I think there’s some narcissistic traits that I had growing up that allowed me to have a strong sense of self.

00:12:42:23 – 00:13:02:09
Jimmy Durbin
That I could overcome and not give up. And endure and. I’m wired that I’m a. I mean, I just realized, on one hand, I said, I’m going to run, but I think if I’m. On the mat. You’re going to have to choke me out.

00:13:04:03 – 00:13:23:21
Mike Olsen
I have a question for you, Jimmy, on that. For those who may not quite understand what it’s like to go through addictions, those who who don’t know it. Do you feel that your training of your mind and the exercises that you intentionally go through are as much because you are afraid of the negative consequence of not doing

00:13:23:21 – 00:13:35:13
Mike Olsen
it? Or is there a positive consequence for doing it that you’re going after? Or is it sometimes both? Help me understand your perspective of your your wife or wife are going through it?

00:13:37:07 – 00:13:59:07
Jimmy Durbin
Yeah, I think it’s been all that. I think it’s. A mixture, a mixture of and depending on where I was in the spectrum and in my years of recovery. I just was tired, you know, in the beginning, and my ego is such that humility and the my bottom look like just being homeless, OK?

00:14:00:28 – 00:14:16:15
Jimmy Durbin
And I had already tried to kill myself. And that didn’t work, right? So. I can’t even do that right, was the mindset. Like, it’s Groundhog Day. You want me to live this way, like some universe, some gods, some karma, whatever.

00:14:16:29 – 00:14:35:04
Jimmy Durbin
So. It was. In enough pain to be willing to ask for help. Okay. Your bottom, my bottom. And that was probably the first five years of just kind of trying to get stuff back, you know, relationship with the kids, my wife.

00:14:36:28 – 00:15:04:25
Jimmy Durbin
And then. What I realized is those twelve steps. And whatever recovery process it is, right, really to me is the best example of cognitive behavioral therapy. Which means to say change my thinking, to change my behavior. So those twelve steps represents twelve principles to change my cognitive thinking so that can help change my behavior.

00:15:04:26 – 00:15:09:28
Mike Olsen
And recognizing that you needed to intentionally do that to have the outcome you want, right? Okay.

00:15:10:06 – 00:15:25:26
Brad Singletary
Right. So what is different about the alpha? You know, I just want to wrap this part of the topic up about mindset and about what we believe about ourselves, what we believe about difficulty, what we believe about the pursuit of worthy things.

00:15:27:14 – 00:15:34:29
Brad Singletary
How does a man who is totally, you know, in control of himself, how does he think about. The journey.

00:15:36:19 – 00:15:50:08
Taco Mike
So the the concept, so I think we’re like scratching around endurance, like what is the base? Here’s what I’m trying to grasp is like what is the base core? What is the little, the little nucleus at the center of endurance?

00:15:50:08 – 00:16:09:27
Taco Mike
And I believe that for me, anyway, it is a mindset. And so it’s a mindset that I have decided I personally have made decisions in my life where I have sat down and evaluated consequences, and I have evaluated thoughts and I have evaluated behaviors and outcomes and and I have used my.

00:16:10:03 – 00:16:29:02
Taco Mike
So we are created with the prefrontal cortex, right? We have the we have the executive functioning component of our brain, which allows us to look and evaluate and make decisions based on outcomes and consequences we can imagine. I can use my imagination to look into the future.

00:16:29:07 – 00:16:46:19
Taco Mike
I hope for a future and then make decisions in the present that will lead me there. And I believe that when I decided to become a grown ass man instead of living a life that was moment by moment and being reactive to everything that happened to me I lived with, I had no plan and I had no

00:16:46:21 – 00:17:02:16
Taco Mike
, I had no core fundamental. I had made no choices about who I wanted to be as a person, as a man or anything. I just sort of reacted and and and ping pong around pachinko. You know, that little robotic Japanese game, right.

00:17:02:22 – 00:17:04:02
Mike Olsen
Keeps bouncing all you.

00:17:04:29 – 00:17:21:11
Taco Mike
Like. That was my life, and I would I would hit against the thing and there would be a reaction. It would push me in this way. And that way, in that way, when I decided to be a grown ass man, then I sat down and made executive level decisions about who I was as a person so that

00:17:21:11 – 00:17:38:29
Taco Mike
the outcomes would be as straight of a line as possible. Like, I determine that my life would be as much of a straight line in the direction of my goals and objectives as possible. The line would wiggle, but it would not be this zig zag sine wave of like, extreme extreme extreme.

00:17:39:25 – 00:18:04:28
Taco Mike
It would be as streamlined as possible. So here’s the punch line. If someone me if I decide that I want to be a person characterized by the actions and attributes of endurance, then I needed a first. Make a decision that I was going to be a man and I would endure the things that I was going through

00:18:05:06 – 00:18:26:00
Taco Mike
, and that way I could look at the the reality of my situation and accept it because I knew that my goal was beyond where I was now. My goal is out there. And I’ll just wrap up that thought by saying that was that was where it all began.

00:18:26:00 – 00:18:45:27
Taco Mike
Is deciding to be a person, a man who could endure the things I was going through and then I could endure. I decided that I would endure the things that would come up time and time again in the future, as I move towards what my goals were in life, that there would be new challenges and new, you

00:18:45:27 – 00:19:04:25
Taco Mike
know, dangers and new opportunities and all the all the nonsense that would happen as I just travel through life that I would endure those new things each day, each time. And I think that’s my summary statement is this concept of endurance is a decision to be that type of person.

00:19:05:06 – 00:19:14:10
Taco Mike
I made it. I don’t always follow through very well with it, but it is a core building block of who I am as as a as a grown ass man.

00:19:15:25 – 00:19:33:15
Brad Singletary
I love it. You’re talking about the decision toward maturity, a decision to accept the things that happen. I love the the little video buy or the concept Ryan Holiday bring bringing back some of the stoic philosophy. The thought of a more fatty.

00:19:33:15 – 00:19:45:03
Brad Singletary
Have you guys seen that I had to share it with this little two-minute video but he basically describes this little phrase What is what is that a more fatty? Is that Latin or Greek or something anyway? It means love of fate.

00:19:46:18 – 00:20:06:17
Brad Singletary
And what he teaches is and this is, you know, Marcus Aurelius and those type of guys. Whatever happens, love it, whatever happens, don’t just accept it and don’t just be OK with it, but lean into it and believe it is for the best and believe that that it is going to make you better and use it for

00:20:06:18 – 00:20:21:29
Brad Singletary
use it as fuel. And that mindset that has changed me within probably the last year. You know, COVID was a killer. I actually relapsed in my addiction. I had a difficult time in the mental health profession, so I’m dealing with the same things everyone else is.

00:20:22:19 – 00:20:33:20
Brad Singletary
six kids trying to make things work and then I’m working probably twelve hours a day is a difficult time. And then I came across this thought of a more fatty which says, I love it. I will do the best.

00:20:33:21 – 00:20:41:22
Brad Singletary
I’ll make something of this and it’s going to strengthen me. And that’s that’s been something that’s really helped me. Last thought on mindset, you two.

00:20:42:26 – 00:20:56:11
Mike Olsen
I think what Mike said is really key, and I was curious to ask to ask you, Mike, and I believe a more about what I believe that is I it sounds like a more a an Italian, right? So it’s probably Latin based.

00:20:56:18 – 00:20:57:15
Taco Mike
I’m reading about it right now.

00:20:57:15 – 00:21:17:13
Mike Olsen
Yeah. And so one this does. The second part that I’m curious on is the the definition of fate as a more if it is probably described. And what that really means, whether it’s fate or. Is is it fate of things that are not necessarily completely controllable or fate as in destiny that you have no control over?

00:21:17:13 – 00:21:38:28
Mike Olsen
I believe it’s the former that I was mentioning. How old were you, Mike, when you had that decision that that kind of commitment or that statement in your mind that said, I’m going in at least this general direction much further out into the future, that the ping pongs may not necessarily affect me as much, even though that

00:21:38:28 – 00:21:45:29
Mike Olsen
fate or some things I can’t control might throw me back and forth, I’m still going to continue on to that end goal. How old were you?

00:21:46:12 – 00:22:02:08
Taco Mike
40? I don’t know. It was eleven years ago. I’m 50, so 39, 40. It was when my wife we separated. It was when I was facing jail time. It was my it was my, my most severe rock bottom.

00:22:02:16 – 00:22:17:28
Taco Mike
And it’s where I found Jesus. It’s the moment where I decided that I was going to choose life over death and that if I did choose life, then that life needed to look like something because the life I was coming from looked like it.

00:22:17:28 – 00:22:28:25
Taco Mike
Was it? It didn’t. It didn’t. I didn’t respect it. It was a dead end. I didn’t respect who I was. And so that was. That’s what happened for me.

00:22:28:27 – 00:22:39:17
Mike Olsen
I was probably I want to say. 19 almost 20, I realized the star an overachiever.

00:22:39:21 – 00:22:41:22
Taco Mike
Good on, you know.

00:22:42:18 – 00:22:43:09
Jimmy Durbin
Half the time.

00:22:43:10 – 00:22:56:24
Mike Olsen
Here’s here’s the thing, though I kind of there’s always I was at that time I wasn’t at rock bottom. I did hit kind of my rock bottom in dealing with the endurance situations when I was, you know, early forties, almost 40.

00:22:57:13 – 00:23:17:18
Mike Olsen
I had to endure my rock bottom, but at 19, I realized I need to start evaluating the direction that I want to go. I was a decent athlete in high school. I was in college but realized I was like, Holy crap, you’re not going to make a living throwing fastballs.

00:23:18:02 – 00:23:30:22
Mike Olsen
You better figure something else out. I had a father who went, you know, through addictions, was dealing with a mother who was needing to deal with those kinds of things and my parents growing up still very, very good people.

00:23:32:06 – 00:23:50:21
Mike Olsen
They are a great example of endurance in their both their personal as well as their marital relationship. I just realized I the life that I had kind of always planned out when I was 19. Or, you know, all the way growing up was probably not going to be a sustainable vision for the future.

00:23:50:21 – 00:24:06:15
Mike Olsen
And what the crap am I going to do now? Now, later on, when I went through a divorce, I’d been married 15 years. I, you know, I’d hit my bottom of again, realizing, Wait a second, you. You don’t have control over other people’s choices.

00:24:06:29 – 00:24:29:16
Mike Olsen
Other people’s choices are going to cause you pain and throw your expected world into, you know, just complete chaos. You still have to sit and endure that and understand that just because you’re going through this doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean that every person is bad who who hurt you.

00:24:29:25 – 00:24:48:03
Mike Olsen
And you have to figure out how you’re going to continue on enduring and how can you use this knowing that you made this choice a long time ago? That goal still can’t change. I went through a typical early college beer, drinking and partying and things like that that most of them do realize.

00:24:48:03 – 00:25:00:17
Mike Olsen
That’s not what I wanted to do. I want to go a different direction. That did help me when I then hit rock bottom. You know, almost 15 years later, I realized, OK, I’ve got a couple of choices. I can go to the bar.

00:25:00:25 – 00:25:15:29
Mike Olsen
And I was like, Wow, no, I’ve already seen that both in examples in my life. You know, my father, who was still a great guy and I’ve come to respect a lot other friends, other people or I can go a different direction.

00:25:15:29 – 00:25:34:17
Mike Olsen
I got, you know, into other activities that that replace those things and help me burn through those very difficult times and come out on the positive end. It’s definitely not been perfect. I haven’t made great choices. A lot of the ways just like everybody does, but my my journey was a little different than a lot of other

00:25:34:17 – 00:25:52:02
Mike Olsen
people. So it helps me when I can ask them, tell me what it was like when you went through that. I don’t necessarily have to go through that to empathize, but as you’re explaining it, it definitely helps me comprehend and empathize and sympathize and go, Oh, OK, this is what this person is going through.

00:25:52:19 – 00:25:56:19
Mike Olsen
It’s no more, no less painful than mine. Theirs is just different.

00:25:57:29 – 00:26:05:29
Brad Singletary
Sure, Jimmy. Any last thoughts on, you know, just being mentally tough, accepting that things are going to be hard, welcoming difficulty?

00:26:08:03 – 00:26:24:07
Jimmy Durbin
I mean, the mind set for me, I’m here two things. first, I have just a general belief that the design of life is that it sucks, right, that. Someone’s either gone through is going through or will yet go through a series of experiences.

00:26:25:10 – 00:26:46:23
Jimmy Durbin
That would get them to what we’re calling a bottom right to to reevaluate, and so my definition of success changes and my perspective is changed. And so what used to cause me suffering because my perspective changed? Does it cause me suffering anymore?

00:26:47:11 – 00:27:09:08
Jimmy Durbin
Hmm. And then I. As I learn more and understand more about myself. I mean, my definition really hasn’t changed, it’s quite simply success for me means 24 hours of sobriety to live in recovery and everything else is gravy, and that has worked.

00:27:11:13 – 00:27:20:11
Jimmy Durbin
Because then whatever’s thrown at me, it’s all good, like it’s like we’re talking about, we’re just we’re digging in. But I think perspective and then just that definition of what success is.

00:27:21:09 – 00:27:39:23
Brad Singletary
Let’s talk about. Definitions of success and more specifically, the written goal, so I believe that it is super alpha, it’s hard to do and I would say most people don’t do this, but I think if if we want to get somewhere, we need to write that down in very specific terms.

00:27:40:04 – 00:27:59:15
Brad Singletary
And I’m curious about your own views of that, your own use of written goals. When have you done it? If you don’t, why not? And how’s that helped you? I guess I’ll start with just my real first introduction to this was I was a it was I was going into my junior year of high school.

00:28:00:14 – 00:28:13:03
Brad Singletary
And my coach, my coaches, I swear they must have gone to some like coaching clinic over the summer and anyway, they came back all jazzed up and they were all excited and they had the team right down on a little index card.

00:28:13:03 – 00:28:25:08
Brad Singletary
What is your individual goal and what is your team go? What would you hope to see out the team happen with the team? And what do you want to do? Well, I wrote down that I wanted. I wanted to be district champion.

00:28:25:08 – 00:28:39:12
Brad Singletary
So that’s like, you know, the six or eight high schools in our in our district, in the neighboring cities or whatever that I wanted to be champions of that. Well, we did that. And then we went on to further almost to the what were we in the semifinals?

00:28:39:12 – 00:28:56:25
Brad Singletary
So just before the state championship, so we had gone, I think, further than any other team. I don’t I don’t know the whole history of my school, but. Then the next year, I noticed that we didn’t write any goals at the beginning of the season and I wondered wondered why it worked so well.

00:28:56:25 – 00:29:10:02
Brad Singletary
It was this kind of dream experience for me and I connected it to the written goals and we all did that. The entire team did that. So thoughts about goals and the need to have written specific things out there for you.

00:29:10:02 – 00:29:12:10
Brad Singletary
Do you use that wind? Have you in the past?

00:29:13:04 – 00:29:29:19
Mike Olsen
I have. In fact, I’ve got them since 2017. Dang, I’ve had them on my on my phone. I’m kind of one of a a geek and I actually have your I have. So this is this is something that every single morning and I have for about a year and a half.

00:29:29:19 – 00:29:35:25
Mike Olsen
I just I type in my way and it’s actually it’s an iPhone, but you can kind of create a widget through.

00:29:37:11 – 00:29:38:10
Brad Singletary
That, a Google form.

00:29:38:12 – 00:29:52:00
Mike Olsen
It’s a Google Form. But if you can’t put it and basically you can’t put the form on your on an iPhone unless you go through Safari. So there’s a couple of different ways. And like all of my education that I’ve gained in life, YouTube, that’s kind of how I learned how to do that.

00:29:52:09 – 00:30:16:13
Mike Olsen
But 2017, until now, I’ve put all those down at the beginning of 2000 or at the beginning of 2021, which I had set 2020. I wanted to have. An upper upper, lower level six figure income with equity in a company, and at the time, I was with a really good company.

00:30:17:16 – 00:30:29:02
Mike Olsen
And I wanted to have some ownership. I wasn’t born or blessed with a lot of inheritance money, and so I knew I was going to have to kind of I had this strategy that I wanted to. I needed to have enough income that I was going to be able to take.

00:30:29:16 – 00:30:50:10
Mike Olsen
I still live modestly and take that residual invested in other things so I could earn additional income and come 2000 2001. I’d started to be recruited by a few other companies. And that eventually, you know, turned into a contract that started September 30th.

00:30:50:23 – 00:31:06:26
Mike Olsen
And I have been since then. I’m I’m I have a difficult time being patient. I had to write things down because I had to remind myself that I’m already getting itchy. I want to take the next step. And it’s only been four months into a brand new company and and already, you know, things have done really well

00:31:07:14 – 00:31:14:12
Mike Olsen
. But I I just have this. I have a very difficult time slowing down breathing. Just take a break.

00:31:14:12 – 00:31:26:27
Brad Singletary
I remember when you told me that man, I got goose bumps. Mike lives in the area here, and he stopped by one, probably Saturday and just came in and we chatted for a minute and he told me that he was he was talking to this company and he said, You know, I don’t want to just be an

00:31:26:27 – 00:31:31:21
Brad Singletary
employee. I want some ownership. And I thought that that’s.

00:31:32:06 – 00:31:32:10
Taco Mike
All.

00:31:32:27 – 00:31:44:21
Brad Singletary
That is serious, man. I was like, You have to be a bad ass to look at a business owner or a CEO, whoever this board or whoever may be and say, Yeah, I just don’t. I don’t want just the salary.

00:31:44:22 – 00:31:48:01
Brad Singletary
I want a piece of this thing that’s pretty cool. I was like, Whoa.

00:31:48:10 – 00:32:04:12
Mike Olsen
I guess it’s me understanding myself. I’m going to work. So I’m the first one to work, you know, every day, six, 30 in the morning. But work doesn’t start till seven, 7:30. I don’t do that kind of for me, but there are are we have employees, we have probably 50 employees and probably 40% of them have to

00:32:04:12 – 00:32:19:01
Mike Olsen
take a bus, sometimes three stops to get to work. And I have a couple of them that are. one was homeless and a couple of them have kind of worked their way back in coming from different states and they’re just chillin on the concrete at 35 degrees.

00:32:19:13 – 00:32:29:22
Mike Olsen
And I kind of felt an obligation to say if they’re going to show up that early, I need at least let him in the in the break room to warm up a little bit before we go freeze our tail off a little bit more in a warehouse situation.

00:32:30:11 – 00:32:43:23
Mike Olsen
And I wanted, I’m going to work hard and that’s how I’ve always been. And I thought, if I’m going to continue to work that hard, I and I’m going to take some of this responsibility on myself. I’m not doing it just for free or just for a salary anymore.

00:32:43:29 – 00:32:59:20
Mike Olsen
That’s me. And and I’ve had to understand not everyone is going to work that hard and not everyone. They don’t need to live up to my expectation of success. Only what we as as an employer employee, agree on what they’re going to take.

00:32:59:29 – 00:33:12:26
Mike Olsen
I can’t transfer my expectations of hard work or success on them. I have to just create a certain thing that I need out of this particular employee, this position. Are you agreeing to do it for this pay? OK, that’s that’s fantastic.

00:33:13:10 – 00:33:24:08
Mike Olsen
And then I’ve I’ve always wanted them to to do more on their definition of what more is. Now some don’t want to, and I have to learn to just back off of that and let them do what they want to do.

00:33:24:19 – 00:33:35:28
Brad Singletary
Wow. So you created this years ago and in the form of a goal that you’ve been writing down, you’ve been reviewing this stuff. You look at it and you tweak it and whatever. That’s something that I do literally.

00:33:35:28 – 00:33:47:24
Brad Singletary
On December 31st, I’ve done this probably for maybe four or five years, literally December 30 for a stay up late my whole New Year’s Eve night. And it’s kind of cliché the idea of New Year’s resolutions. But to me, it’s not.

00:33:47:24 – 00:33:59:27
Brad Singletary
It’s more like what I want to accomplish in this year. And as I look back at the last several years, I’ve done a great deal of those things, and I think it’s just for me kind of creating it mentally.

00:33:59:27 – 00:34:15:13
Brad Singletary
Spiritually, I created their first and just envision this thing happening. And literally some nights I just go to sleep imagining that that’s what’s going to happen. And a large portion of those things have reached. So how about you, Jim?

00:34:15:13 – 00:34:16:24
Brad Singletary
Goals, What what do you do there?

00:34:17:24 – 00:34:34:04
Jimmy Durbin
It’s not to the extent that Mike takes it. And mine was borne more out of time management because of all the shiny pennies and the squirrels and. My head’s always racing, and so it was the to quiet things down.

00:34:34:05 – 00:34:51:12
Jimmy Durbin
It was always to write it on paper and then prioritize it and then accomplish it, and just kind of to do that this year, actually kind of. I wrote some goals down. Same deal. Different business ventures that I’m looking at.

00:34:53:00 – 00:35:04:21
Jimmy Durbin
I know the magic that happens when pen hits the paper, but as far as a systematic, dedicated approach to writing goals and in that context, it’s not me.

00:35:06:19 – 00:35:18:08
Brad Singletary
Do you think you missed something from that or is this I mean, you’re a performer, you’re yeah, you’ve done really well in your career and you’ve just kind of moved through some cool progress over the last several years.

00:35:18:08 – 00:35:21:13
Brad Singletary
But is that something you want to do more of?

00:35:23:06 – 00:35:39:02
Jimmy Durbin
It is I mean, I, you know, as far as a budget sheet and in my business, you know that that’s a form of gold writing. Writing things down, tracking my day, and I know how many sessions I did last year, what the average weight rate was.

00:35:39:15 – 00:35:57:09
Jimmy Durbin
Where I want it to go. What kind of revenue. And so and then backing that in and I’ve got a spreadsheet every week to track the clients that come in and what their rate is. And and so in that sense, yeah, it’s that that’s been something for the last two years.

00:35:57:28 – 00:36:05:22
Jimmy Durbin
You know that you and I have talked about that, that I’ve done as far as that. That’s probably the extent, and I don’t want to.

00:36:05:25 – 00:36:07:28
Brad Singletary
Is it working? Are you getting there? Yeah.

00:36:08:09 – 00:36:10:02
Jimmy Durbin
Yeah. Yeah, it’s helpful in that regard.

00:36:10:04 – 00:36:15:18
Brad Singletary
Talking, Mike, how about you, sir? Goals, written goals, having some objective plans and things.

00:36:15:28 – 00:36:32:29
Taco Mike
So when I started in my little twelve step journey, one of the things I discovered really early on was the power in my my shrink at the time taught me this. Valerie Demeke, an amazing person and one that so the brain is this computer that has all kinds of neurological processing channels.

00:36:32:29 – 00:36:47:04
Taco Mike
And so there’s visual processing and auditory. We can we can speak. And as we as we vocalize, we process things and as we read something and write something. And so one of the things she taught me was to use as many channels of the brain as possible.

00:36:47:04 – 00:37:00:09
Taco Mike
Imagine a lane, a lanes, traffic lanes on a highway and just something I realized about the way I process my life was. It seemed like I had clicked in to only like one or two lanes and maybe, maybe like the end.

00:37:00:10 – 00:37:16:02
Taco Mike
The visual analogy is like there’s twelve lanes possible. The brain can like, think across twelve lanes, but through laziness, I was living a life where I was only operating in like one or two lanes and traffic was bunching up and there was, you know, road rage and just inefficiencies.

00:37:16:21 – 00:37:29:29
Taco Mike
And so one of the things she taught me was is to use all of the senses and all of the all of the computing channels that that that that I that I know of. And then I spent some time learning about this.

00:37:30:17 – 00:37:47:19
Taco Mike
And one of the one of the ways that I realized that I was deficient was this connection between tactile experience and then visual and then auditory. And to break that down simply, I learned that when I wrote that when I thought about a thing.

00:37:48:02 – 00:38:05:02
Taco Mike
And then I wrote it down. It allowed me to process it through channels in my thinking that I was not using. And then the magic came when I could look at it on a piece of paper, and that was this thing that unlocked it for me is because if I could see it written down, just it and

00:38:05:03 – 00:38:19:16
Taco Mike
I’ve learned that editors will do this. There’s a lot of people who do a lot of writing and to look at it on a screen or two to look at on a piece of paper with a pencil or hand to strike through and cross out and write in the margin and do this.

00:38:20:17 – 00:38:40:20
Taco Mike
I read some study where, like editors will almost always, not always, but a lot of editors will at their own expense, sometimes great expense print out the thing that they could just read on the screen. But they want and need their brain is just words joy to have that experience of like my hand moving across a piece

00:38:40:20 – 00:39:02:06
Taco Mike
of paper, my eyes looking at the words reading out loud what is written. All of that is using the computing power of the brain and all of those channels. So when I decided I was to be grown ass man, I realized that writing things down was a huge power move for me.

00:39:02:09 – 00:39:15:26
Taco Mike
Mm hmm. And so then I then I I was in the same headspace was like, OK, I need to really direct my thinking, my thinking energy and my imagination energy until like, OK, I know who I was. I want to.

00:39:15:28 – 00:39:32:02
Taco Mike
I want to just stick a garlic knife or whatever the vamp. How do you kill a vampire like whatever? I want to kill that guy, that guy, that assholes dead? Who’s this new guy going to be? Well, we need to design, you know, an architect designs a building as an engineer designs a city.

00:39:32:14 – 00:39:48:21
Taco Mike
The mechanical engineer like designs like a computer engineer, designs a phone like everything that is someone had to to design it. Somebody sat down, put thought energy into it and created and designed the thing. And so I just thought, why does it create me?

00:39:48:22 – 00:40:00:03
Taco Mike
I just need to create and design who I want to be. And that evolved me sitting down with a yellow piece of paper, you know, the fluid legal pad. And just what the fuck is this guy going to be like?

00:40:00:03 – 00:40:13:07
Taco Mike
Who the hell is this guy? Like, what does he do? How does he respond in such situations? What does he want to do in life? Does you know? And I just went through this process of like designing who I wanted to become.

00:40:13:23 – 00:40:30:16
Taco Mike
And part of that was then deciding, Well, then I need to reach far like I need to set some audacious bad ass goals I need to imagine, like what the hell was I put on this earth for? Like, OK, I was given talents.

00:40:30:16 – 00:40:47:29
Taco Mike
I know what they are like. I’ve experienced them. How the hell can I use them to impact my world? Maybe the broader world? Like, what do I want to do? It was so fun to sit with a blank piece of paper and to imagine a life from scratch.

00:40:48:07 – 00:41:09:14
Taco Mike
And I have since had this conversation with other people who have not had their rock bottom moment like I did. This all came not because I look. Let me be clear, I am so. Far from bright. I am no, I am I am no vanguard of original thinking.

00:41:09:19 – 00:41:23:22
Taco Mike
Almost everything that’s good in my life had to be visited upon me through hardship and then I had to then react to that and then make a good move, but not because I was a good person or because I wanted to be a good person again.

00:41:23:22 – 00:41:39:26
Taco Mike
Like almost everything that’s good about me is a reaction to near destruction and then wake up moment and then the come to Jesus moment. And then how do I how do I go from here? So I wish I was the kind of person who learned from other people’s mistakes.

00:41:39:26 – 00:41:51:06
Taco Mike
I wish I was going, Person, you could read a thing and it would teach me, and I could. Oh, that’s amazing. Like, I’ll just readapt my life to this because I’m I’m so moved by what I’m reading or learning are being taught.

00:41:51:13 – 00:42:08:07
Taco Mike
I don’t work that way. I have to flunk it up, Superbad. And then I have to, like, heal from it and then respond differently. So I’ll wrap up with this thought. I believe in my own life that if I do not write it down, then it doesn’t exist.

00:42:08:09 – 00:42:27:22
Taco Mike
It doesn’t have form, it doesn’t have shape, it doesn’t have it. I can’t tactfully experience it and it’s a weird thing and it’s just how I am. But for me to to believe that I am moving in a direction of a, let’s say, a bigger goal of whatever X-Y-Z, who who cares, doesn’t matter.

00:42:28:11 – 00:42:39:21
Taco Mike
But for me, it’s not real. It doesn’t exist like I have in my imaginations. Oh, I think I should do this, that it doesn’t exist for me until it is written down and not in my phone, in a notepad.

00:42:40:01 – 00:42:52:28
Taco Mike
Although that is that is part that that is useful. But for me, it has to be on a. And you could come to my house and I will show you dozens. I have. I’m kind of a hot mess, but I have dozens of those legal pads all over.

00:42:52:28 – 00:43:04:28
Taco Mike
I have a I have a little travel case where I probably have 25 of them in there and and sometimes I will just maybe on an annual basis, go through them and I’ll remind myself, Oh yeah, I was going to do the thing.

00:43:04:28 – 00:43:16:24
Taco Mike
Yes, oh, and I will have to, you know, then recommit. But to me, they these these things don’t exist until they are on a piece of paper and they exist outside of my brain. And then once that happens, I’ll be damned.

00:43:16:24 – 00:43:38:18
Taco Mike
It unlocks some weird, mysterious power. I don’t know how to explain it, but I am now living the kind of life that I am happy with. I respect it and I admire it in that I’m doing the things that I have previously set out to do, and I’m sort of in a way like checking off, like clicking

00:43:38:18 – 00:43:50:22
Taco Mike
through like, yeah, I really wanted to be a person that is like this, and I can honestly say, like in many ways, I am living the life of a person like that. I set out to be that and I have sort of become that.

00:43:51:01 – 00:44:00:04
Taco Mike
And I think all of these things, for me, they must be there. If I was to remove some of these components, they would erode away the outcome and I wouldn’t be who I am.

00:44:00:19 – 00:44:14:09
Brad Singletary
So the way that you’re living now, that’s written down somewhere in many of these areas, you’ve written it down. You kind of brought it into into creation because you wrote it down somewhere completely. I love what you’re saying about taking the abstract.

00:44:14:10 – 00:44:32:28
Brad Singletary
You know, just the idea, the floating particles just out in the ether, whatever like that to to use your five senses to bring it into reality, to write it down. There’s a color on the colored paper. There’s an ink or a pen or a sound of this pen scratching.

00:44:32:28 – 00:44:47:24
Brad Singletary
There’s your hand movement, the kinesthetic connection to it. There is. I don’t know the science of it, but I know that it’s true. You’re taking an idea and you’re producing it into form. It’s not just this floating thing that comes and goes, You can stick this.

00:44:47:24 – 00:45:03:03
Brad Singletary
I’ve got a sticker. I have this little translucent sticker notepad and I’ve got on on the inside windshield of my truck right now. I have a little note to myself and I won’t tell you what it says, but it’s something that it’s not about driving.

00:45:03:21 – 00:45:21:20
Brad Singletary
I’ve got that all handled, but it’s about a way that I want to live. I want to. I want to wrap up this topic. But just are this part of the discussion? But but maybe to ask you to share something, maybe a goal that you you did write that you reached if it’s nothing too personal but something

00:45:21:20 – 00:45:25:15
Brad Singletary
that you wrote down at one point? And you got there.

00:45:26:10 – 00:45:54:11
Mike Olsen
I think for me, it’s evolving. I did write one thing down, which was this business aspect. And I achieved that. But I’m continually convinced and reminding myself that this this tangible business aspect is less important. And it’s more important what Mike mentioned where he said, who do I want to become?

00:45:55:05 – 00:46:11:22
Mike Olsen
Humans are the only creatures that I’m aware of, that we’re aware of, that we have record of, who knows we might, you know, find out something else can do that someday. That can literally visualize in the distance from a time perspective what they want to become.

00:46:12:21 – 00:46:39:07
Mike Olsen
And get there and achieve it and literally change what they’re currently doing, and sometimes especially men or people who might struggle to go from where they are to a completely different direction by their choices and by these calculated written down destinations in the future, in their own future of what they want to become and actually get there

00:46:41:12 – 00:46:52:22
Mike Olsen
. And so mine is going from that, that particular success to what do I want to have at the end of my life? I don’t think that I’m going to have. I don’t I don’t think that I want to or that it needs to be.

00:46:53:21 – 00:47:10:29
Mike Olsen
Something that is monumental that could be looked at to say he raised $1,000,000 to do X for good. My I’m still trying to clarify this, and that’s kind of what I think of when when Mike is talking to the fact that he clarified this, he read it.

00:47:11:00 – 00:47:23:06
Mike Olsen
He wrote it down. And Jimi has this spreadsheet that basically tells him this is what success is to him because he’s in that portion of his life that he has that spreadsheet. For me, I want to be able to say.

00:47:24:07 – 00:47:47:08
Mike Olsen
How will I be able to show other people that through small efforts, they really can impact the impact their local, their neighborhood, their person around them, their spouse, their their friends for a long period of time and good just by some small goals and some small templates that they could implement in their life that didn’t require a

00:47:47:08 – 00:48:09:13
Mike Olsen
mass amount of cash didn’t require this grandiose thing, but it was something it was small in concept, but great an impact. That’s what I hope to be able to clarify on a piece of paper, because just like you guys have said, there’s something weird that you can’t necessarily explain, but you cannot deny writing it down works.

00:48:10:04 – 00:48:16:10
Brad Singletary
That’s awesome. Jimmy, make an actual goal that you wrote down somewhere and you reached it.

00:48:17:18 – 00:48:40:17
Jimmy Durbin
So in business, it was that I wanted to reach a certain revenue. And that that happened this last year. As far as a toy, I’ve had a I have a 1971 Ford Bronco 3023 on the tree belonged to my grandfather.

00:48:41:08 – 00:48:54:21
Jimmy Durbin
And it literally has been wrapped in Saran Wrap so that the cat won’t pee in it for twelve years. And I had a goal. I wrote down of like, I want to unwrap it. I want to bring it back to life.

00:48:55:04 – 00:49:09:14
Jimmy Durbin
I’m not mechanically inclined, so I knew that would mean certain things. Change the carburetor, if it ran, it’s running and I got to change some diaphragm something because it’s leaking gas, but that was a goal that it was accomplished.

00:49:09:14 – 00:49:29:08
Jimmy Durbin
And then in my relationship, my wife and I went on our honeymoon to Maui for our honeymoon, never traveled really any time after that. And so I wrote down that I wanted her and I to get into the studio to spend zen in this meditation that he teaches and go to this week long retreat.

00:49:29:18 – 00:49:44:01
Jimmy Durbin
But that meant she’d have to give it some buy in and we’d have to. Anyway, these things would have to happen, but that was something I wrote down and we did that. We took ten days and spent the money and invested the time in each other, and that was a big one.

00:49:44:26 – 00:50:01:19
Brad Singletary
Wow, awesome. That’s great to hear that you did some personal things in in your marriage. You wrote some goals down. That’s awesome. Talk show, Mike written one that you read, I guess you’ve talked about in general that you you’re living the kind of life that you once wrote down, but name something that you can.

00:50:02:25 – 00:50:04:08
Brad Singletary
Feel good about and share with us.

00:50:04:23 – 00:50:19:26
Taco Mike
I wrote down a lot. So I took my life and I just sort of wrote it out in categories and I decided that like and I don’t remember how many categories were, but there were all the obvious ones like health and work and family and marriage and just lots of different things.

00:50:20:07 – 00:50:40:15
Taco Mike
And to that, I feel really good about as one was in my relationship with my wife now. A lot of this I wrote down when we were separated, and so there was I had a vision of us reconciling and I had been sort of I had this thought that I needed to endure the separation like a grown

00:50:40:15 – 00:50:55:14
Taco Mike
ass man. And I had spent years emotionally neglecting my marriage. And then the thought occurred to me that I, that I would be a five year journey to repair my marriage. And I needed to decide, am I in it for five years?

00:50:55:15 – 00:51:10:25
Taco Mike
Like, would I be able to undo it? She could divorce me. She could do anything. The power was hers, and I was along as a participant in the timeline. And I had to decide, would I be willing to endure for five years?

00:51:10:27 – 00:51:29:05
Taco Mike
And then I just made an easy decision. I was like, Yes, I’m in this for five years, and I wrote that down. I something a sentence to the effect of I will endure separation. And I will be. And I will patiently wait through this journey for five years.

00:51:29:15 – 00:51:52:10
Taco Mike
And it turned out that that was it. I got a 50% discount because two and a half years we reconciled. And then another one that meant a lot to me was I had a job. I worked in a business and I was an employee and had duties and responsibilities, and I had a son who was becoming an

00:51:52:10 – 00:52:04:20
Taco Mike
age where he could join Boy Scouts and start to do more and more things with church. And that would mean the camp outs and all of the all of the nights of, you know, going to scout meetings and things like that.

00:52:05:08 – 00:52:23:20
Taco Mike
And I wrote down that I want to travel the teenaged my son’s teenage life, and I want to participate on every camp out and go to every Single Scout meeting and do that. Like, I want to be the kind of dad who participates and does everything, and I wrote that down.

00:52:24:03 – 00:52:43:06
Taco Mike
And he’s 15, and I’ve been to every single father and sons camp out and every single camp he’s gone on and and every scout meeting. I mean, there’s a few exceptions, but there I could probably count them on one, maybe one and a half hands where I didn’t go to a, you know, one of those things with

00:52:43:06 – 00:53:00:05
Taco Mike
him and participate with him and be with him in that journey. And so that’s something that I wrote. I wrote that down and I am at it is coming to pass. It is true and it is fulfilled and there’s countless, countless others.

00:53:00:14 – 00:53:20:02
Taco Mike
And again, just to just to just to hit this, that while everyone was sharing their experience, it occurred to me that it takes. This is, I think I live my life without writing things down because I didn’t have the balls to be the kind of man to follow through with the things that I could imagine myself doing

00:53:20:11 – 00:53:38:08
Taco Mike
. And so I was a pussy. And I believe that in my life, I didn’t write things down because I didn’t want to face failure because I generally went. My life was generally a failure to failure, failure. And if I didn’t have any commitments and if I didn’t write things down, then I would not be accountable to myself

00:53:38:18 – 00:53:59:09
Taco Mike
and I could be this guy who just skated through just half ass. Dude, I have asked everything, and I think it’s just sort of coming clear to me now that by not writing things down, by not making decisions and not committing to anything, it was license for me to be this just half assed jerk.

00:53:59:09 – 00:54:20:01
Taco Mike
What of a loser, right? Because I know because nobody could pin anything on me. Like, there was no evidence that I was anything other than that. But if I sat down and I imagined and I focused and I used creative energy and intent and I wrote shit down, then that would mean I would have to level up

00:54:21:06 – 00:54:38:07
Taco Mike
. And I was afraid, I think I was afraid of that. And again, like I said before, I am such a weasel. I try to avoid everything until it is confronted. Until it is, the police are standing there with my name on an arrest warrant.

00:54:38:08 – 00:54:57:15
Taco Mike
Like, like, I don’t believe I’m a piece of shit until that happens. And that’s when I went through this transformation experience like I’m talking about. But once I sort of woke up and became a realist and then started like facing my life and then making these choices, there were.

00:54:57:18 – 00:55:10:19
Taco Mike
This conversation is all about. Then I decided like, No, I’m going to be the kind of person as a grown ass man, I’m going to write shit down and it’s going to exist and there’s going to be evidence and documentation.

00:55:10:27 – 00:55:30:25
Taco Mike
And just like a contract, you know, it’s also a ceremony. I believe like the process of writing it down is a personal ceremony. Like I it took it took me days and days of thought effort to decide like, I want to be the kind of man I want to be the kind of dad who goes on every

00:55:30:25 – 00:55:44:13
Taco Mike
camp out with my son. Like, I had to do something like I had to make a commitment to my son. And then I had to decide like I will. I’m going to decide that I’m not going to intentionally let him down.

00:55:44:18 – 00:55:58:18
Taco Mike
There may be things that will come along that will bump into that and like I may not be at by the time he goes up to college or whatever, like, there may be some, some things I didn’t do, but it was not because I didn’t try, right?

00:55:58:18 – 00:56:10:18
Taco Mike
It was because I committed. I went through that ceremony. I went through the act of like imagining deciding I want to be that kind of dad. These are the things I’m going to change in my life so that I can fulfill that like it.

00:56:10:23 – 00:56:21:10
Taco Mike
It was as I went through a ceremony to write those things down, and they exist. There is a piece of paper that I could pull out today right now that could show you that this is who I decided to be.

00:56:21:15 – 00:56:41:25
Taco Mike
And then you could see that and you could say, Well, you’re if you’re, you know, to get your shit together because you’re not doing those things like you have slid, right? And and so maybe by being the kind of person who didn’t do that, it just reinforced that like half assed life that I was living that I

00:56:42:09 – 00:56:57:22
Taco Mike
did, I decided, like, that’s over. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. And then the transformation was, Well, then who do I want to be? I want to be the kind of person who holds myself accountable. I want to be the person who makes commitments and keeps commitments.

00:56:58:02 – 00:57:15:12
Taco Mike
And then there’s there’s evidence that I made those commitments, and the angels and the ancestors can also see that piece of paper, and they can hold me to that, too. And that that’s a that’s a place that I did not come to willingly and I did not voluntarily come to that place.

00:57:15:12 – 00:57:21:10
Taco Mike
It was, it was. I guess it wasn’t forced upon me because I could have just decided to like.

00:57:21:22 – 00:57:22:14
Jimmy Durbin
You were humbled.

00:57:23:09 – 00:57:26:11
Taco Mike
Yeah, right. So I had options that weren’t that, but.

00:57:26:19 – 00:57:44:04
Mike Olsen
one of the things that keeps coming to me, Mike and Jimmy mentioned it to when he talked about the squirrels, the shiny pennies, the distractions I keep. Every time you guys are mentioning those kinds of things, it’s as if you’re creating intentionally your own positive distraction.

00:57:44:11 – 00:58:01:02
Mike Olsen
By writing it down, by creating a list, you’re basically saying, I’m recognizing that I’m easily distracted and I recognize that in myself. I’m the one who, if I go to read something, I can barely get through the first chapter because I start asking questions.

00:58:01:02 – 00:58:21:10
Mike Olsen
I wonder why this? I wonder how that. And so there’s sometimes when those positive distractions are good and sometimes they’re they’re not. But that sounds like one of the great benefits of putting it down. You’re now replacing a distraction of what you may even not necessarily intentionally recognize, but you’re creating your own chosen distraction.

00:58:21:22 – 00:58:23:02
Brad Singletary
Oh, that’s a cool way to look at it.

00:58:23:03 – 00:58:23:13
Taco Mike
I like.

00:58:23:13 – 00:58:37:24
Brad Singletary
It. I love the you. When you talk about ceremony to man, this is like, you know, I’m placing something on the altar like, this is my ritualistic promise. I’m doing this. It’s a formality of of like commitment and of intention.

00:58:37:25 – 00:58:55:02
Brad Singletary
You talk about Mike. Great stuff, dude. So we’re talking about endurance. We’ve mentioned the mindset that things are going to be hard. We have to pursued the things that we want. And one of the first steps is to decide and write those things down, keep the things you want to pursue in front of you as written goals

00:58:55:22 – 00:59:16:18
Brad Singletary
. The last part of this segment I want to talk about is adjustments, how and when and why we adjust our plan. Maybe we run into some obstacle. Maybe we see that this isn’t playing out, you know? And so this is a later we’re going to talk about sometimes you have to drop the whole drop, the whole charade

00:59:17:03 – 00:59:31:15
Brad Singletary
. But in adjustment, we’re going to continue to move forward. We’re going to continue to pursue the thing that we’re after. We’ve just got to make a change. We’ve got to tweak it here. There may be a major overhaul, but we’re not intending to back away from it at this point.

00:59:31:26 – 00:59:40:16
Brad Singletary
We’re just going to recalibrate and figure out a new approach to what we’re trying to do. This talk about adjustments.

00:59:43:20 – 01:00:07:07
Mike Olsen
Adjustments. My statements were pretty impactful. I think this evening because. He mentioned making the intentional decision of then who do I want to become if I don’t like what I am? And those can be seen, as you know, both negative as well as positive forms of getting to where you do want to be.

01:00:07:19 – 01:00:24:18
Mike Olsen
If I don’t like who I am, what do I want to become? And. If. Who you want to become, what you want to be is based on sound principles, and you can define proper principles however you know you deem necessary in your life and whatever is good.

01:00:25:07 – 01:00:48:23
Mike Olsen
The better, the more descriptive, the more solid the principle. These setbacks or these adjustments can be seen as just little zigzags needing to get still to where you want to be. But I liked what Mike said because I think the more descriptive you can become at who you want to be and what effect you might want to

01:00:48:23 – 01:01:09:21
Mike Olsen
have in your own world. And and I’m not here to judge if someone’s who they want to be is a a leader in business or, you know, whatever it is that they want. I think the more descriptive you can be, the easier it is to overcome or to look at it, a situation that causes an adjustment or

01:01:09:21 – 01:01:30:00
Mike Olsen
that makes you question. And you can say, how much does this conflict with what my ultimate goal was with what my ultimate descriptive person that I want to become? Does it interfere with that? Is it just a road bump or is this how important is this little setback?

01:01:30:00 – 01:01:40:29
Mike Olsen
Is it something that truly challenges my definition of who I want to become? And then you can make a quick decision of, you know, yes, I just need to endure this or I’m going to push it aside or always.

01:01:40:29 – 01:01:57:06
Mike Olsen
second, maybe my ultimate judgment of who I want to become was slightly off, and I need to recalibrate that a little bit. I think it can help you identify a setback from a setback versus questioning your ultimate decision of who you want to become.

01:01:59:25 – 01:02:00:22
Mike Olsen
Yeah, I like that.

01:02:00:28 – 01:02:25:26
Jimmy Durbin
I I love sitting in this room with you guys. Thank you. So here’s what I’m hearing. Do I have a process where I’m aware? And mindful. Do I have a process where I. Can course correct? Where I can continue to take a personal inventory.

01:02:27:19 – 01:02:52:06
Jimmy Durbin
So that I can ping against what it is I want to become, what goal I have out there and evaluate whether it’s working or not. Do I have a tribe? To bring that information to them and. Am I willing to stand naked and listen for their feedback?

01:02:54:21 – 01:02:55:25
Jimmy Durbin
Their honest feedback.

01:02:56:17 – 01:02:58:09
Brad Singletary
And you’re good looking, but please.

01:02:59:12 – 01:03:23:25
Jimmy Durbin
Thank you and I am. You like. I. And not perfect, I have that that dis ease of her being a perfectionist. But I also have realized through the years that I’m willing to call a spade a spade. I’m willing to ask for your help.

01:03:23:25 – 01:03:41:21
Jimmy Durbin
I’m willing for honest feedback. Because I want to be a better man, because I always want to level up and it’s OK to course correct. In my world. But what I always lean into is I do have a process.

01:03:43:09 – 01:04:00:05
Jimmy Durbin
I’m constantly working on my mindfulness and being aware. To course correct and not, you know, as we’ve been sitting here, I’m realizing it’s nothing the world. Can do that’s going to have me endure. I have to endure me.

01:04:01:22 – 01:04:26:12
Jimmy Durbin
My natural man, all my imperfections, my character defects, the voices that go on in my head, that negative self-talk, and for me, I’ve pulled those two entities apart. And Jim is my drug addict, narcissistic. Plastic, shallow, fake, phony, fraudulent, false self.

01:04:27:14 – 01:04:41:21
Jimmy Durbin
And Jimmy is that little boy in me who wants to be loved and to love. That’s my essence. I’m not missing and I’m whole. Jimmy is whole. He’s complete, he’s passionate, he’s loving, he’s patient, he’s all those things.

01:04:41:21 – 01:04:56:03
Jimmy Durbin
So the enduring for me is that peace. And so I need to constantly have a process where I’m taking my inventory to see, Where is Jim? Is he driving because if he is, I’m going to end up in a fight with my wife and I need to then do the right thing?

01:04:56:18 – 01:05:16:24
Jimmy Durbin
Say I’m sorry. Of course, correct. It’s not the world. It’s this battle with my psyche and my ego and my pride and my natural flesh desires, quite simply for me. Jim’s role in Jimmy’s life is to hurt anyone Jimmy says he loves.

01:05:17:11 – 01:05:24:16
Jimmy Durbin
So if Jimmy says, Brad, I love you. Jim’s like, OK, watch this on my hurt that motherfucker cold hearted like Jim.

01:05:24:17 – 01:05:26:13
Brad Singletary
Don’t get to be like that.

01:05:28:01 – 01:05:30:04
Mike Olsen
Is that the Jim natural self you’re referring to?

01:05:30:05 – 01:05:30:29
Jimmy Durbin
Yeah, yeah.

01:05:31:21 – 01:05:35:05
Brad Singletary
Yeah. So you’re talking about a like daily regular.

01:05:35:05 – 01:05:35:22
Jimmy Durbin
Yes.

01:05:35:28 – 01:05:50:09
Brad Singletary
Adjustment. This isn’t like after ten years of chase and chase and this rabbit, you decide, Yeah, maybe that’s not going to work. And I added out on something else. You’re talking about a very regular process of checking in, checking in with your tribe.

01:05:50:09 – 01:05:57:03
Brad Singletary
You’ve talked about that, a love. You’re worried about brain trust. You have a process. I’m curious what that is.

01:05:57:05 – 01:06:12:15
Jimmy Durbin
There’s there’s two things. There’s there’s a daily and then there’s a walk around, you know? And that’s been a process. I’m not perfect at it, but I’ve realized. When I when I saw Jim for what he is and I realized Jim is.

01:06:13:24 – 01:06:24:22
Jimmy Durbin
I need more oxygen for him. He needs to to take more of a role in my life because that’s guided by the spirit that’s guided by love, that’s guided by God, and.

01:06:25:14 – 01:06:26:18
Mike Olsen
It gets the best results.

01:06:26:19 – 01:06:45:02
Jimmy Durbin
Absolutely, absolutely. And it’s effortless. So. When that happened, then I had to start putting these markers in my life. These flags are indicators so that when Jim was circling, they would go off. So in a movie that would be like the broken glass in a hallway.

01:06:45:14 – 01:06:59:16
Jimmy Durbin
So if someone’s coming down, you could get out the back or Ali torch everything and escape. I had a service dog. I noticed that when I barked a command that had a little more energy than it needed to, or I yanked on his chain.

01:07:00:02 – 01:07:12:16
Jimmy Durbin
That was Jim. Jim is out. If I could handle what I needed to handle in that moment and it took me a while to figure this out, I would avoid an argument with my wife or yelling at my kids.

01:07:14:23 – 01:07:32:12
Jimmy Durbin
And so I’ve realized I need to put certain things, people, places. Tools that allow me to have that go up so that when Jim’s out, you recognize, I recognize it further out, like I want to see that mother way down the road so that I can handle whatever I need to handle.

01:07:32:24 – 01:07:35:16
Jimmy Durbin
So that Jim and love wins.

01:07:36:04 – 01:07:53:06
Brad Singletary
I love that you have the separation. You see, there’s you know, there’s there’s two wolves in you or whatever this to. And maybe more than more than just two. But at least these two almost identities and and you can choose you can choose to walk whichever path you want and one’s an enemy of the other.

01:07:53:12 – 01:08:07:24
Brad Singletary
It’s beautiful. I love you. You’ve talked about that in the past, Jim and Jimmy, how about you? Talk to Mike adjustments. What’s the importance of that? How do we do it? When do we know what’s? What kind of processes have you gone through to make adjustments in your journey?

01:08:08:28 – 01:08:22:02
Taco Mike
My first thought here is this is a million-dollar conversation. This is the kind of conversation where you would pay a consultant to listen to these two guys if you three guys and then give you this sort of like wisdom and experience.

01:08:24:14 – 01:08:39:00
Taco Mike
So your your question is how how do I personally make course corrections? The one thing I want to see before I maybe mention that is I like who some somebody brought up, like the squirrels in the shiny pennies on the sidewalk.

01:08:39:09 – 01:08:59:17
Taco Mike
I’m so distractible. I’m so hyper interested in avoiding. I want the next piece of dopamine that comes from the cotton candy, rather than the true calories from something that, like the broccoli. I want cotton candy. I don’t want broccoli, and I always want to take the path of least resistance.

01:08:59:26 – 01:09:17:01
Taco Mike
And I want the I want the I want to be distracted and I want I want endless distractions. This is not answer your question, but this is just maybe a thought about writing things down when I have a written goal and intention of who I want to be as a person where I want to go in my

01:09:17:01 – 01:09:37:16
Taco Mike
life, then I can very analytically objectively look at a thing that’s creeping in, that wants my attention. It wants me to say yes to it. And then it allows me this really easy decision making. My decision making tree is so clean because I can just apply it to my goals.

01:09:37:16 – 01:09:50:26
Taco Mike
I could. I could just hold it in my hand. I could just pluck it and hold my hand and say, Do you? I could just interrogate it. Do you help me move towards my? My clearly previously stated and defined goals and objectives?

01:09:51:00 – 01:10:10:14
Taco Mike
If you do, if you are that sort of thing, then I think I’m willing to, you know, give you 123 strikes to see if that’s going to be the case or not. And so sometimes if the answer is like, absolutely no, then I just can move away from that unemotionally.

01:10:10:22 – 01:10:26:21
Taco Mike
So it allows me this decision making process is super detached and unemotional. It’s and Jimmy, I think it said this like when I live in emotion, I’m I’m often failing and flailing and a child. I’m a toddler. I’m throwing temper tantrums and it’s it’s shit show.

01:10:27:10 – 01:10:41:29
Taco Mike
So for me to have these written defined goals, it just allows me the smooth flow through the waters of my life. I just set that like I’ve, I’ve already set the compass. Does that make sense? Like if already locked in my gaps?

01:10:42:09 – 01:10:55:17
Taco Mike
I’m going here and then like detours in life is going to have all these detours. But my GPS can continually recalibrate itself like, Oh, I got to take a turn here to go around this and whatever. That’s fine.

01:10:55:17 – 01:11:06:19
Taco Mike
Like, that’s all. Just answer a picnic. It’s just sort of noise and distractions. But it’s not going to ruin my pick. Like, I’m not going to let a few ads on the sandwich room, my picnic, I’m going to flick them off.

01:11:06:19 – 01:11:25:12
Taco Mike
I’m going to friggin eat the sandwich like I’m not going to become over emotionally reactive because there’s ants at the picnic. That’s just life, and I just deal with life. And so that’s that’s maybe a little more insight into my thinking behind like this is why it’s so helpful and important for me to write things down that

01:11:25:12 – 01:11:47:27
Taco Mike
I do not get distracted and I don’t end up saying yes to things that steal away and rob me from my objective and my goals. Now your question was about what do I do? A course correction? I think again, some of this still matters so that there are times where I do turn voluntarily on a weird Ali

01:11:47:27 – 01:12:05:13
Taco Mike
Street. And I get distracted and I might go down that wrong path or that that that annoying path to that nonsense path for a while. And then I think I’m just I think I’ve just decided that it’s OK if I’m a loser, like it’s OK, I’ve decided it’s OK.

01:12:05:13 – 01:12:20:19
Taco Mike
If people see me as a loser, I’m fine with ridicule. I’m fine with people seeing me for who I am. And that’s often hot mess and a loser and and a failure. Like, I’m OK. So I’m I have made a decision and I think I wrote this down.

01:12:20:20 – 01:12:39:20
Taco Mike
I have to prove this to be the case or not, but I think I wrote down, I’m OK. Words to the effect of like, it’s OK. If people see me fail, I’m OK with being thought of as as not perfect and far from perfect like I am, I am emotionally OK with being seen failing.

01:12:39:26 – 01:13:02:22
Taco Mike
And then I am. I am. I am unaffected by. I choose to be unaffected by the negative thought cycle, the downward thought process that can happen from that. And so I hope to be the kind of person that when I am going the wrong way or someone tells me I’m going the wrong way or the evidence is

01:13:02:22 – 01:13:14:02
Taco Mike
there and I just realize it that I can just turn the steering wheel and go back in a different direction. And even when people are laughing at me and I go, I’m OK with that and I can, I can use that.

01:13:14:02 – 01:13:30:12
Taco Mike
In fact, I’m so OK with that. Like, I’m OK with taking that and using it as energy of like, well, it’s just that’s just power. They’re just giving me power. They’re they’re laughing at me. Because they see themselves in me, and I’m comfortable with that, they’re nervous.

01:13:30:13 – 01:13:41:28
Taco Mike
They’re laughing out of their fears, they’re mocking from their fears. And I see that and I used to be that kind of asshole and that’s like, I’m okay with you thinking, I’m a jerk. You think I’m an idiot?

01:13:41:28 – 01:13:55:09
Taco Mike
You think I’m a failure? I’m going to take that and I’m going to absorb, you’re trying to throw all that at me. I’ll just suck it in like sunlight, like it’s just fuel. I’ll just take it, and then I will use it to, you know, next level up.

01:13:55:09 – 01:14:07:26
Taco Mike
Like, I’m just shifting from third to fourth here. And you just, you know, you just put a little bit of fuel in that in the in the tank for me. So I just decided this. And again, these are like decisions.

01:14:07:26 – 01:14:19:26
Taco Mike
I just decided that I would be the kind of person who will not shy away from defeat. I won’t be afraid of failure. I won’t be afraid, of course. Correction, I’ll just do it. I’ll just. It’s just this, you know, it’s just a thing.

01:14:20:09 – 01:14:21:00
Taco Mike
It’s just a thing.

01:14:21:16 – 01:14:27:08
Brad Singletary
I love that you’re saying. It’s just like the goal or the original goal. It’s a it’s a decision. You’re going to say something, Jimmy.

01:14:27:11 – 01:14:32:25
Jimmy Durbin
No, I just want to know who’s laughing at you like I. They obviously don’t know the kind of man that was.

01:14:33:04 – 01:14:33:29
Brad Singletary
Really going on.

01:14:34:25 – 01:14:36:16
Jimmy Durbin
And if that’s happening in your real life, like.

01:14:36:25 – 01:14:42:23
Taco Mike
It’s metaphorical, it’s not. There’s not people who are like, I don’t think there are.

01:14:43:05 – 01:14:50:04
Mike Olsen
Not, not people that know you really well. There might be people who see you on a podcast, see you on on your channel, see you on.

01:14:50:10 – 01:14:52:06
Jimmy Durbin
Dude, you’re a bad ass dude.

01:14:52:12 – 01:15:05:07
Mike Olsen
But that if they don’t know you really well, that they might laugh at and you understand you’re Jimmy mentioned it earlier, and that’s it’s a real key point. You’re self-aware that, OK. Yes, that’s a human thing. I’ve been a human.

01:15:05:07 – 01:15:09:24
Mike Olsen
I’ve laughed at others, too. That’s going to happen, but it’s not going to deter me from my ultimate goal.

01:15:12:01 – 01:15:28:14
Taco Mike
Yes. So really quick, really quick, really, really quick. Here’s here’s my thought. You know how the concept of squirrel moment? Don’t don’t sleep. So the press don’t believe the good that is said about Jack. I don’t believe the negative that’s said about.

01:15:28:15 – 01:15:39:05
Taco Mike
That’s right. And so that’s maybe my mindset is I believe I believe in me and the rest is it’s just it’s it’s it’s if.

01:15:39:12 – 01:15:40:21
Jimmy Durbin
You will even make you.

01:15:40:21 – 01:15:55:27
Mike Olsen
Recognize you recognize the danger of drinking your drinking other people’s Kool-Aid for good or bad, and you recognize the danger of the self-doubt and the self loathing, and you try to steer away from either one of those because they’re both cliffs.

01:15:56:04 – 01:16:03:09
Taco Mike
They’re both. They’re both talks. It’s both toxic. Praise is toxic and so is ridicule. I don’t believe either of them.

01:16:03:20 – 01:16:25:16
Mike Olsen
Yeah, I did. I still remember that one comment where a church leader was getting just totally praised one person after another would step to the pulpit and praise this particular leader. Same one. And he got up and he said, You know, I learned from a very wise leader one time that perfume is meant to be smelled, not

01:16:25:16 – 01:16:34:19
Mike Olsen
swallowed. Mm-Hmm. And so on. The praise in as well as it kind of works in reverse, too. Don’t don’t worry too much about those that you might perceive as laughing at you.

01:16:35:28 – 01:16:51:24
Brad Singletary
Great stuff, you guys, I’m really impressed with our conversation here so far. We’re going to break into the next part of this, which has to do with patiently pursuing the things that you want, be persevering and continuing to push forward.

01:16:52:05 – 01:17:12:16
Brad Singletary
You’ve made adjustments, you’ve had a written goal. You’ve got the mindset that you can do this thing or that you can accept difficulty. When the going gets tough, you know, when it’s just the boring monotony of the journey is happening, when you don’t seem to be getting the results you need, this is just the grind and the

01:17:12:18 – 01:17:17:24
Brad Singletary
continuous effort. You know, the long part of the journey right.

01:17:17:24 – 01:17:23:09
Speaker 6
In the middle. Gentlemen.

01:17:23:28 – 01:17:27:27
Speaker 5
You are the Alpha. And this is the alpha quorum.

 

 

Click your podcast platform below or listen to the embedded file on this page.

082: LIFE IS A MARATHON – Alpha Energy with Gavin Hillman and Tanner Smith

082: LIFE IS A MARATHON – Alpha Energy with Gavin Hillman and Tanner Smith

Gavin Hillman is a Doctor of Physical Therapy and has been actively engaged in structured and organized physical health for over 25 years. He continues to keep his physical health a priority and regularly takes part in running events, hikes, biking, and scheduled gym time for resistance training.

Tanner Smith is an emergency room Physician’s Assistant and worked the night of the Route91 mass shooting in Las Vegas on October 1, 2017.  He and his team treated 200 victims in two hours as a result of the shooting. He has qualified and completed the Boston Marathon 3 times and has a PR in the marathon running in 2 hours and 52 minutes. In his most recent Boston Marathon two months ago, a runner had a cardiac arrest and Tanner performed CPR saving her life, and still ran another 18 miles to finish with a time of 3:12. He enjoys promoting fitness and helping people stay active by coaching people looking to get into running and leading weekly group runs for Life Time Athletic Club.

 

In this episode we answer these questions:

General health topics:

  1. What mistakes do men commonly make when it comes to the health of their bodies?
  2. What are the consequences of men who don’t pay enough attention to their physical wellbeing?
  3. What are the most common medical ailments that lead men to medical emergencies and injuries?

 

He burns premium fuel. Intentional about food and water.

  1. When it comes to nutrition and hydration, what really matters most?
  2. With so many ideas out there, how can men sort through diet approaches that can most benefit them?

 

He is vigorously active to extend strength and stamina.

  1. What is the role of movement in maintaining optimal health?
  2. What do you eat, what do you do for physical fitness?
  3. What keeps you going?
  4. If a man has never exercised after middle school P.E., where should he begin?
  5. What leads to failure in men’s training habits?
  6. Why do we quit so easily?
  7. How can we stay motivated and disciplined with exercise?
  8. What drives you to compete?  Why not just do it as a hobby?

 

He judiciously uses supplements and medical treatments.

  1. Men are stereotypically notorious for NOT doing well with medical care.  Why is that?
  2. What general habits facilitate healing of the body when something has gone wrong?
  3. Supplements. Why?  What are the common dietary deficiencies that men need to supplement?
  4. How do we start? What’s the best bang for your buck in supplementation for beginners?

 

He gets proper rest.

We discuss sleep as a way to improve health and prevent problems.

 

RUNNER’S WORLD ARTICLE ON TANNER SMITH, CPR EXPERIENCE AT BOSTON MARATHON

    FULL TRANSCRIPT

     

    00:00:01:03 – 00:00:20:22
    Brad Singletary
    You’ve never seen a person of tremendous influence who didn’t have some sense of control over their energy. The most influential people in your life have carried themselves with unmistakable vitality and positivity. Those high value qualities are generated in our minds and in our bodies, and alpha is a man of energy.

    00:00:21:16 – 00:00:38:15
    Brad Singletary
    If his mission is to have life, create life in himself and others and preserve life, you must be focused on the needs of his body. You must use it as a machine that helps him deliver high level energy into his daily life and share contagious energy with those in his influence.

    00:00:39:27 – 00:00:46:22
    Brad Singletary
    Our man manages the care of his physical machine as a predictor of his successes with everything and everyone with which he is involved.

    00:00:57:16 – 00:01:18:20
    Speaker
    If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better, you are in the right place. You are responsible. You are strong. You are a leader. You are a force for good. Gentlemen. You are the Alpha. And this is the alpha quorum.

    00:01:23:28 – 00:01:56:19
    Brad Singletary
    Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum Show, Brad Singletary here, you guys, I’m so very excited about what we have going on today. I’ve got two medical professionals joining us today. I’m going to introduce them here in just a second, but we’re in a series right now talking about the red nine some principles of living a healthy life, and this one has to do with energy. We talked a few episodes ago with Joshua Roy, who talked about some of the psychology of energy and how we can use our bodies to produce good moods and those kinds of things.

    00:01:56:19 – 00:03:10:05
    Brad Singletary
    These two guys come from the medical world and are also very. Talented and disciplined in their care of their own physical bodies and including some fitness and some pretty high level things that they’ve been involved with that I want to first introduce Gavin Hillman. He’s a firm believer in the importance of physical health and how it can affect multiple other facets of a man’s life. He has been actively engaged in structured and organized physical health for over 25 years. As a young man, he participated in various sports and training, working as a personal trainer as he got himself through school. He earned a Bachelor of Science in Exercise Science from the University of New Mexico, then moved on to his doctorate in physical therapy from UNLV. For the past decade, he has specialized in working with the geriatric population with physical rehabilitation from various orthopedic, neurologic, cardiovascular and other medical condition. He’s 16 years married with three wonderful children. He continues to keep his physical health a priority and regularly takes part in running events, hikes, biking and scheduled gym time for resistance training. Gavin, thank you for being here, man.

    00:03:10:06 – 00:03:11:04
    Brad Singletary
    Welcome.

    00:03:11:12 – 00:03:12:01
    Gavin Hillman
    Thank you. Glad to be here.

    00:03:12:10 – 00:03:21:07
    Brad Singletary
    I have a little story that your wife shared with me about you. Should I? Are you? Are you embarrassed about what this might?

    00:03:21:12 – 00:03:23:21
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah. Who knows what that can be? So let’s hear.

    00:03:24:00 – 00:04:08:02
    Brad Singletary
    Gavin has a beautiful family and a great wife. She’s a friend of my wife, and both of these guys actually live in my neighborhood. And so she’s quite a colorful person. But she said, I remember the first time we did a Tough Mudder. It was the very first event ever, and it was advertised as a big, strong muscle man type of event, which it turned out not to be. And Gavin was pretty confident going in the entire group was, she said, at Mile three. Gavin’s legs started cramping and everyone could see his quads contracting with every step, and he was grunting. He was in agonizing pain. He said, I’ve never seen a man in that much pain in my life. He grunted and grunted with every step and completed another eleven miles to finish the race.

    00:04:09:09 – 00:04:17:21
    Brad Singletary
    He showed us all that day. That was the true meaning of grit when he puts his mind to something, he does it. Thank you for being here, man. I really appreciate.

    00:04:18:08 – 00:04:25:05
    Gavin Hillman
    Thank you. I do remember that. And he’s right. That was a lot of pain that day. And yes, but we did finish. We finish the race.

    00:04:25:06 – 00:05:14:12
    Brad Singletary
    If I get a cramp here, you guys, I’m assuming, will know what to do to to help me here. Our second guest is Tanner Smith. Tanner is an emergency room physician assistant with over seven years of experience. You worked the night of the Las Vegas mass shooting on October first, 2017. Their emergency room team saw around 200 patients in roughly the span of two hours as a result of the shooting as an outlet for stress and maintaining physical fitness, he enjoys running and cycling daily. He has qualified and completed the Boston Marathon three times and has a personal record in the marathon, running in two hours and 52 minutes. He enjoys promoting fitness and helping people stay active by coaching people looking to get into running and leads weekly group runs or lifetime Athletic Club here in Henderson, Nevada. Tanner.

    00:05:14:27 – 00:05:29:02
    Brad Singletary
    Dude, I was just talking about as he walked in. Tanner lives two doors down from me and I was thinking, Who is his celebrity double? And I thought, It’s Jesus. It looks like he looks a little bit like Jesus here

    00:05:29:02 – 00:05:29:10
    Tanner Smith
    Today I do.

    00:05:30:16 – 00:06:36:06
    Brad Singletary
    Both of these guys are world class alphas, and you’re going to find out wise as we get talking here, we’re talking about health. But I had a story about you, Tanner, and I’m friends with Tanner’s brother, Trevor, who also used to live in our neighborhood and has since moved to another place with his family. But I asked him about his brother, Tanner, and he told me something pretty special about you, about one of the Boston marathons where you performed CPR on a lady who was running and basically saved a person’s life, who like had a cardiac arrest right there in the marathon. And he sent me the article, which I’ll post in the show notes here, where you were in Runner’s World magazine featured in there with this lady where you were. She has like a nine at a nine month old kid and is basically, I guess, laying there, having some episode. Well, good thing you. This is your day in and day out work as an emergency room physician assistant. And so you’re sitting there performing CPR. What? What an awesome story.

    00:06:36:23 – 00:07:53:03
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah, I mean, it was it was the most recent Boston Marathon, honestly. So it was just, you know, a couple of months ago in October and. You know, I’ve seen dozens of cardiac arrests come into the E.R. and you’ve got, you know, all your equipment, everything all laid out and you you’re getting like a story of what’s going on and everything. So to be running a marathon and being focused on your race and then all of a sudden, you know, you see somebody laying in the middle of the course that’s just absolutely, you know, blue. There’s there’s no color to their skin. It’s it’s a different experience than what you see, you know, on a day to day working basis, but. Honestly, it was it was a complete miracle to see how well she’s doing at this point in time, honestly, you know, fortunately, most people don’t do that well, especially if they go down in a situation like that, so. I mean, I’ve chatted with her here and there, and. Seems like she’s recovering fine, she’s actually even starting to do some running, but, you know, she’s got a nine month old child and it’s just amazing that she has, you know, no problems as far as as a result of this cardiac arrest that she experienced. And she’s able to go about taking care of her child and still enjoy things that she likes doing. So it’s it’s it’s a miracle. I don’t know how else to describe that experience.

    00:07:53:16 – 00:08:42:27
    Brad Singletary
    Dude, that’s amazing. People have asked me, You know this, the name of this whole thing, the Alpha Quorum, I mean, it probably was some half baked idea. And I hate some of the super kind of worldly kind of the bastardized use of the word alpha. And I hate the association with what some people see that to mean. I think what an alpha is, is what these two men are. And you’ll find out as we get going here. But one of the things you talk about is he has life. He creates life, not not necessarily just having children, but you’re creating life in other people and you preserve life, like to be an alpha is about life. And here’s here’s an example well, in both of you and what you’re doing, but in this a profound way where you’re literally saving someone’s life. You don’t have your equipment, you’re probably several miles in how far into the race where you do remember?

    00:08:42:27 – 00:08:44:24
    Tanner Smith
    As is getting close to Mali.

    00:08:44:24 – 00:08:53:05
    Brad Singletary
    So you’ve been running for eight miles. Hold on. Let me save this lady’s life. Do you have do you keep in touch? It sounds like you’ve got some contact.

    00:08:53:05 – 00:09:16:02
    Tanner Smith
    We kind of keep in touch between just like social media and Instagram and messaging back and forth. And we haven’t talked over Zoom a little bit and stuff. But I mean, it sounds crazy, you know, Miley doing CPR. But honestly, the best thing about that race after not only the fact that she’s doing so well, but the additional 18 miles I had in the race to just kind of reflect and run and think about it so.

    00:09:16:02 – 00:09:22:02
    Brad Singletary
    That is just wild. And was that your personal record race or was that the one or two? I’m guessing.

    00:09:22:03 – 00:09:23:07
    Tanner Smith
    Oh, no, no.

    00:09:23:14 – 00:09:24:10
    Brad Singletary
    Take some time out.

    00:09:24:10 – 00:09:34:24
    Tanner Smith
    As a little time off the clock stopping to do CPR, but it was still good race. I mean, I ended up running through twelve, but that wasn’t the important thing in that day.

    00:09:34:24 – 00:09:47:19
    Brad Singletary
    So wow, that’s crazy. Just even to qualify. So that’s not any average Joe Schmo gets to do that right. You have to reach a certain pinnacle before you can even show up to that, right. Not everyone can be there.

    00:09:47:20 – 00:10:01:23
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah. So for Boston, they have qualifying times based on your age, whether you’re male or female. And so you have to run a race on a Boston qualifying course and meet that time standard in order to get into the race.

    00:10:03:00 – 00:10:16:13
    Brad Singletary
    So, you know, you guys are friends, and I understand that you’re you’re kind of doing some training together right now. Is that true? Is that who’s who’s training who and what’s happened with your tell me about how you know each other and your friendship and so forth?

    00:10:17:23 – 00:10:34:03
    Gavin Hillman
    Yes, we are doing a little bit of running together. I mean, Tanner is the runner. I do not claim to be a runner. I do run, but he is the guy that I go to when I need advice or if I need a training schedule, or somebody to keep me accountable to get out there and run again.

    00:10:34:14 – 00:11:15:04
    Brad Singletary
    Sometimes I get up in the morning. I mentioned that Tanner’s two doors down and I get up in the morning, barely barely awake. You know, it’s 7:00 or so I’m taking the kids to school or whatever, and Tanner sitting around in his driveway sipping on, you know, I don’t know, some Gatorade or some water. And he’s already cooled off from like he’s probably already run miles and miles that day and he’s already there and he’s no longer sweating and he’s just kind of calming down, maybe just being reflective. And I just think, I would love to be able to do that, and I maybe someday I get to the point where I can. I’m just afraid to run right now. If it if I if you see me running something bad is happening, so check in with me.

    00:11:16:20 – 00:11:20:02
    Tanner Smith
    You are just going to stand, you know, everybody has to start at some spot.

    00:11:20:05 – 00:12:03:17
    Brad Singletary
    So I would be happy if I was walking. I would be happy if I walked 26.2 miles. So appreciate you guys being here, man. So really briefly talk about your profession. So we know, Gavin, that you’re doing your physical therapist, correct? By the way, these guys are licensed medical professionals and whatever they talk about today, don’t interpret that to mean any, you know, medical advice or anything like that. This is this is a podcast, so don’t get it twisted. We’re just we’re just talking and they’re sharing from their experiences. But please don’t take anything they say is any specific, you know, instruction from a medical person to you. But so you’re working with people in a rehab type facility or what’s the?

    00:12:04:02 – 00:12:40:21
    Gavin Hillman
    Yes, it’s an inpatient rehabilitation center, so it’s primarily geriatrics or your older folks. And these are individuals who have gone to the hospital for various reasons. Maybe they fell broke a hip or elective surgeries like knee replacements or hip replacements are also individuals that got sick. They got they had a stroke or they had some type of respiratory issues. And so they went to the hospital. They stayed in the hospital for X amount of time. They got very weak. And so they’re not able to go home. So they come to us and we’ll see them for a few weeks to build them back up and help facilitate them going on to hopefully home.

    00:12:41:23 – 00:12:44:25
    Brad Singletary
    OK. And then, Tanner, how about yourself, sir?

    00:12:45:16 – 00:13:46:00
    Tanner Smith
    So I worked at primarily sunrise emergency room right now. Our group covers several emergency departments throughout the valley, but that’s where I’m primarily working. And I mean, it’s it’s one of those things I don’t try to search out the most difficult or complicated patients to take care of, but, you know, sometimes like. You know, the first of October, we don’t really have a choice, we we were there to help, you know, whoever came through the door. So, you know, I see a variety of things give me anything from a broken bone to appendicitis or, you know, any of these types of things so. And, you know, it can be even just something as simple as giving somebody something to eat. But I mean, there’s it’s. You never know, I think that’s the thrill about emergency medicine as you never know what’s going to walk in the door and what surprises your face and why everybody is different. So some things that you would think are like a normal presentation for a kidney stone might have something entirely different.

    00:13:46:16 – 00:14:18:07
    Brad Singletary
    Yeah. So I’m curious about some of the most common things that you see. And you know, our audience here is men, mostly men. Maybe 20% of our listeners are women, but mostly men, probably from the age range of 25 to 55 with an average maybe of this a 40 year old dad. If you can just picture that. What are the most common medical ailments that lead men to, you know, either a medical emergency for you, tanner, or some kind of injury? What kind of problems are people having because they’re not taking care of their health?

    00:14:19:22 – 00:15:15:13
    Tanner Smith
    Well, one of the unfortunate things that I would say is, you know, we get your every day, you know, sprains, strains, broken bones, things like that that just, you know, happen from day to day life, people being active, doing things, but when I was in school, we were always trained, you know, type two diabetes is this medical illness that affects people that are primarily older and age meaning like, you know, above 50, 55, 60, you know, it’s it’s the diabetes for the older generation. The sad thing is, is due to. The lifestyle that you know, the American lifestyle that we’ve adopted and how easily it is to get a hold of fast food or, you know, whatever it is, we’re starting to see type two diabetes being diagnosed in a much, much younger population.

    00:15:15:13 – 00:15:52:19
    Tanner Smith
    I mean, it’s affecting even, you know, teenagers to adolescence, whereas this is an illness that was primarily only being diagnosed in an older population. So. You know, it’s interesting. It just goes to show, you know, how much taking care of your body actually matters. So and and thing is diabetes is one of those complications and one of those diseases that really unfortunately causes a lot of problems for more than just having a high blood sugar affects the heart. It affects the kidneys. It affects the skin. I mean, you name it, diabetes can contribute to a problem with that part of your body.

    00:15:53:09 – 00:15:57:03
    Brad Singletary
    And with that one specifically, what kind of what leads to that?

    00:15:58:08 – 00:17:19:29
    Tanner Smith
    So. There is type one diabetes, and unfortunately, you know, some people with diabetes type one, you know, you’re pretty much born with that. I mean, it’s, you know, you’re just not producing insulin. But the way the type two diabetes, you know, and the easiest way of explaining that pretty much what happens is, is our body produces insulin for us. And depending on our diet, you know, every time we eat food, our body’s like, I’m going to create insulin, and that’s going to cause the body to take all of those, you know, nutrients and absorb them and and hold on to them to store them up or, you know, send them some other place in the body to utilize them. So when you’re eating, you know, really lots of food or just really high sugar food, your body has to increase the amount of insulin that it’s producing and secreting in the body. So if you’re continuously doing that all day long, all day long, eventually your body’s like, Well, am I really getting that much, you know? And then it’s like a signal, you know, it’s like a little boy cries wolf, you know, you keep crying, crying, crying, and it’s like, Well, I respond to that anymore. And so the body thinks of it the same way. It’s like, Well, there’s a lot of insulin. Do I really need to respond and do something with all this, you know, sugar or whatever else is nutrients in the blood? And eventually it just gets worn out and it’s not functioning anymore.

    00:17:20:21 – 00:17:32:13
    Brad Singletary
    Wow. So when you see that coming in, I mean, you’re kind of like, well, here’s another complication that maybe could have been prevented based on, you know, health choices. Some of that, at least, were the type 2, right?

    00:17:32:13 – 00:18:31:12
    Gavin Hillman
    A lot of it can be prevented and, you know, from what we see. You know, I see those. Like I said, I’m dealing with a lot of older generation, the geriatrics and I see how those effects of poor decisions that they made for a lifetime and how it affects them now that that they’re in their later years in life. So when you talk about the hypertension and the diabetes and now they’re at higher risk for strokes and for cardiovascular diseases and pulmonary diseases and their ability just to function everyday function as declined and just doing simple things of getting up out of bed or sitting up in a chair for a while or trying to get up and go across the room to go to the bathroom. Those have become so difficult and so, so laborous for them because they have made this lifetime choice of not taking care of themselves.

    00:18:32:27 – 00:19:00:19
    Brad Singletary
    These two guys are a picture of health, we talked about their, you know, running and some of their activities and competing and so forth. I’m guessing that what you see out there, maybe you would just be the typical chubby guy if you weren’t. If you didn’t see that stuff day in and day, I wonder if it motivates you like, well, I do not want to. I don’t want to be like this guy. You know what? I’m 50 years old or I do not want to, you know, I want to preserve my strength. Does that help you stay motivated?

    00:19:01:15 – 00:19:40:10
    Gavin Hillman
    Yes, it can. He can motivate. I mean, I’ve had several patients where I come out of there and I just think of myself, yes, I do not want to end up like that like life, but you yet sometimes, you know, joke around and you come out of a patient in a bariatric patient who’s 350 pounds, and it’s just so difficult to take care of them, and everything is so hard to be able to help them. You come out of there and just think, Man, life’s harder when you’re fat, like a really is like this. Just, you know, this is the truth. Like, it makes things harder if you’re if you’re not taking care of yourself, your body’s not in, um, you know, decent shape. You might be in great shape, but at least decent shape, then yes, life is harder.

    00:19:41:18 – 00:20:19:13
    Brad Singletary
    Yes, I agree. This, so this is episode 82 and this is the only one. This is the first episode where I get to just ask questions. I don’t have to say anything. I have nothing I can teach about physical health. I’m the fat guy in the room, and so I’m just so glad to have these guys here. One of my goals is to spend a one hour a week with an alpha, and so if I spend two hours with these two, I’m like way ahead of schedule because they’re going to teach me some things about health. So what about you? You’re motivated by seeing these things, and some of it’s just pure accident, maybe that you come in. But when it comes to like this is complicated by health choices that motivate you to stay on top of things?

    00:20:19:17 – 00:20:34:19
    Tanner Smith
    Well, you know, one of the interesting things is, you know, eat the unhealthy person you always think of is, you know, the big fat person or whatever and. Body size isn’t necessarily always the biggest predictor of how unhealthy you might be.

    00:20:34:20 – 00:21:38:20
    Tanner Smith
    I mean, you could be a skinny guy weigh and, you know, 150 pounds, but you know, if you’re smoking three packs of cigarets a day, right? Or, you know, doing whatever else, I mean, everybody’s metabolism works different. I mean, I’ve seen skinny guys, but you know, they love their cheeseburgers. And so they, you know, 20 of those a day or whatever. And I mean, ingesting that much, you know, cholesterol is not good on the heart, and they end up with heart attacks at age 50, so. Really, you know, everybody’s body is different and a plan for everybody to, you know be physically fit or, you know, live a healthy lifestyle. You know, everybody doesn’t fit into the same box. I wish the body was that simple. But as far as what motivates me is like, I see these guys that are like 70 years old and they’re still running races. And I’m just like, Wow, I wish I if I can be that active at age 70, I think I’ll just be loving life because I’ll still be able to do something that I enjoy. I think once the enjoyment of something you love and you can do and you can’t do that anymore, I think that really kind of sets things back.

    00:21:39:18 – 00:22:17:14
    Brad Singletary
    So you’re inspired more by the. The positive examples of men who have taken care of their health rather than like the the lame or guy who can’t, you know, can’t get around very well and he’s sweating while he sits, you’re you’re you’re inspired by the guy who’s still doing it at later in life. That’s awesome. So you talked about type two diabetes, other general things like common problems that come into men’s lives because of like not paying attention to their physical health. What are the what are the things you see over and over and over that could be prevented?

    00:22:17:23 – 00:22:47:07
    Gavin Hillman
    Hypertension, High blood pressure, high hyperlipidemia where your cholesterol is elevated? You know, all those things just increase your risk of so many other ailments things like stroke or heart attacks or things like that. And a lot of those things are really there are food borne illnesses. You know, we think of a heart attack or think of cardiovascular disease. And most of the time that was caused by like he said it was 20 cheeseburgers that you’re eating on a daily basis.

    00:22:47:29 – 00:22:49:18
    Tanner Smith
    Couple visits to heart attack grill.

    00:22:51:09 – 00:23:15:18
    Gavin Hillman
    And a lot of that can be prevented. And you know, we live in a society now where people, those things are so common that the go to prescription is just take medications, and so these days when taking medications, you know, sure Tanner can see this. The people I deal with when I look at their medications, they’re on a list of 20, 30 medications.

    00:23:15:18 – 00:23:15:28
    Brad Singletary
    Goodness.

    00:23:17:10 – 00:23:25:02
    Gavin Hillman
    And where a lot of those things can be solve, not just by taking a pill, but by changing your lifestyle or changing your eating habits.

    00:23:27:04 – 00:24:37:05
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah, I mean, it’s it’s true. You know, I think everybody has a little bit different mentality of how they want to, you know, deal with the situation. And for some people, it’s like, Well, if I get type two diabetes, I’ll start taking the medication for that. Whereas another person might be like, Oh, I got type two diabetes, what can I do to reverse that? So I don’t have to take a medication? And I will say, you know, just being like, Hey, I’m taking medication and continue on with life is much easier than saying, Well, I got to exercise now. I’ve got to change my eating habits. I will do all these different things. So we’ve kind of created a world where, you know, there’s always these easy little fixes, but they’re not necessarily the easy way out. I mean, medications only do so much, but the body’s ability to actually make the adjustments and deal with diabetes is much better. If you can reverse that, which type two diabetes actually can be reversed so. So if you, you know, make some modifications to your lifestyle, you could actually get off diabetes medication if you had type two. Obviously, that depends on the extent, but still, it’s pretty amazing what the body can handle and adapt to.

    00:24:38:12 – 00:25:17:16
    Brad Singletary
    I guess that’s another part of what you see is not just the broken sick people, but maybe it’s and maybe all you’re seeing, Tanner is the is the person on day one, but I’m guessing you also see resilience and healing and the person who has an accident or has an episode. But because they were healthier and because they’ve been, maybe they’re a runner, but they had something happen. And now they’re able to bounce back in a faster way because they were mindful of their health. And yes, they had this thing happen. But I guess you see not only Illness and, you know, sickness, but also strength in people at times do.

    00:25:17:27 – 00:25:45:05
    Gavin Hillman
    What we get great to see the body recover or bodies have an amazing ability. Our bodies are awesome. I mean, that’s that’s what got me into this profession that I’m in is because I’ve always been just amazed with what the human body is and what it can do. And one of those things is they can recover, it can heal. It can overcome a lot of these things and a lot of these ailments that we’re now we’ve been discussing to some degree, and in certain instances, they can be reversed. And it’s amazing. Awesome.

    00:25:46:11 – 00:25:58:28
    Brad Singletary
    You see that sometimes, Tanner, where someone comes in, they’ve had a situation happen, but because they appeared to be really on top of things with their health, they were in less serious condition.

    00:26:00:02 – 00:26:39:14
    Tanner Smith
    I mean, you can, you know, I look at this girl that I performed CPR on during the marathon and I mean, she’s someone that’s just incredibly fit. You know, an elite athlete, she’s a Olympic Trials qualifier, so she’s extremely fast. And honestly, I think part of the reason why she had such a good outcome with what had happened is because of how well she takes care of her body. I think had that been, you know, someone else just, you know, a random person out in the world that probably wasn’t doing those things, they might not have had to go to the end result. That’s just because, you know, she’s super fit and takes care of her body. I think that really made a difference, honestly.

    00:26:40:12 – 00:27:27:03
    Brad Singletary
    You know, so much of this, so much of our health and problems that come up, it seemed like some of it is going to occur because of aging and accidents will happen and so forth. But man, so much of this is within our control, and that’s what I want to be focused on is controlling the controllable. So I want to talk about fuel. That’s one of the things we talk about in the in the energy that. An Alpha, a person who’s really mindful about the way he lives, he burns premium fuel is intentional about food and water when it comes to nutrition, hydration, what really matters the most, would you say? And I know there’s probably 10,000 different ways of looking at, you know, all the different diets and so forth. But. At a basic level, what do you think is most important when it comes to nutrition and so forth? Hydration.

    00:27:29:12 – 00:28:05:15
    Gavin Hillman
    As far as nutrition is, you got to eat good food. You know, we all know what good food and what bad food is. And we just have to be willing to eat good food is the majority of your diet fast food or pre prepped, you know, microwavable type of meals. And if it is, then you’re probably not getting the best. Like you said, the best fuel for your body. Are you taking any notice on what you’re eating as far as trying to shop the produce section and get some fresh foods? And if you’re doing that and you’re getting some of those foods in you, then you’re going to be getting some good fuel.

    00:28:06:06 – 00:28:31:25
    Tanner Smith
    One of the ways I always looked at it was and I probably read this somewhere along the way and it always just kind of stuck with me, but I always think of, you know, our body is like, say, a Ferrari or, you know, a jet or something like that. So when you think about those two things, what kind of fuel do you put into a Ferrari? You know, you don’t show up, you know, 7:11 and choose like the 85, right?

    00:28:32:07 – 00:28:33:09
    Brad Singletary
    Put some diesel in it.

    00:28:34:07 – 00:29:18:00
    Tanner Smith
    So you’re putting you’re choosing like the highest grade fuel in order for these things to perform at their maximum efficiency and do what they were designed to do, right? So the body, I think, is almost the exact same thing. If you want your body to function at its best ability, whether that’s running or just getting through the day, it’s going to require really good fuel to do that. So, you know, I’ve messed around with the million diet’s probably. And I think the most important thing is is. The more ingredients you see in that, the less it’s in its natural state, and that means it’s probably been manipulated, you know, millions of times, so it’s probably not the best fuel.

    00:29:18:16 – 00:29:48:25
    Brad Singletary
    Yeah, if there’s 37 ingredients in something in a package that you have to do all sorts of things too, versus something you can grab out of the refrigerated produce section. That’s, you know, it’s refrigerated because it’s alive and it’s going to die soon. That’s probably better for you. one of my friends used to say, if it has a logo on it, it’s probably not good for you. You know. It’s got packaging. And if it had, you know, you put it in a plastic bag and they have to weigh it, it might be. That might be better for you. Right?

    00:29:49:06 – 00:29:58:09
    Tanner Smith
    I mean, it’s not even stuff just in the produce section, but it’s like an egg. You know, what’s in an egg? An egg, right? Yeah. What’s in a steak? A steak? Hopefully just a good steak.

    00:29:58:09 – 00:30:55:07
    Gavin Hillman
    But you know, one of the things for me a few years ago, I try and change my my way of thinking as far as food. And, you know, in the health field, you think a lot of macronutrients you think of, Oh, I get enough proteins and enough carbohydrates, fats, and we can tend to really hyper focus on those things with our diet today and the food that we have available. It’s very easy to make sure you’re getting enough proteins and enough carbohydrates, enough fat, things like that. But I started thinking more about the micronutrients. You know, am I getting enough vitamins? Am I getting enough minerals? Am I getting enough of the various chemicals that are in the, you know, fresh fruits and vegetables? And if I focus more on those and started building my my meals around that, you know, the macronutrients took care of themselves. But now I’m trying to think, am I getting enough of those other nutrients that are often lost or not even thought about in my diet?

    00:30:57:11 – 00:31:57:20
    Brad Singletary
    So this is a little tangential, maybe, but it still relates to diet so you both are family man, you’ve got younger children at home. Something that I struggle with is like, you know, I have a son who only wants to eat macaroni and cheese or that, you know, cereal and it’s really garbage food, but there’s it’s around, you know, and so I struggle sometimes because and my wife will kind of say, well, they’re not going to eat anything else. They’ve got to eat something. And when it comes to just the choices of food in your home, so you can have an I talked to men who are idealistic and they want to eat the healthy stuff and they want to eat the pure foods and look at their nutrients and everything. But in a family life and in a busy world and in it, we’ve got to feed kids. And so now we’ve got, you know, goldfish and graham crackers all over the place or whatever. How do you guys handle that type of thing where? Maybe in order to. Does that make sense, what I’m asking?

    00:31:58:02 – 00:32:53:11
    Gavin Hillman
    Absolutely. You know, and I can’t say my kids don’t eat goldfish and graham crackers, I mean, we’re dads, we have kids. Yes, I mean you. Those things are going to happen. And I don’t think it’s bad. You know, I can’t say that everything I eat is highly nutritious or anything. I mean that that’d be insane. But like you said, to about those food choices and so what foods are he bringing in the house? Whatever foods you’re getting at the grocery store and the foods that are in your refrigerator and pantries, those are the foods that your kids are going to end up eating. And so are you constantly buying, you know, chips and Oreos and and whatnot and bringing those home? And if you are your kids, you can make the most delicious, nutritious meal. But there are no those Oreos are sitting in there in that cupboard. And that’s what they’re going to want to gravitate to. And so I wish I had a great answer as far as how do you get your kids to eat healthy? I think it’s a whole different topic.

    00:32:53:11 – 00:32:55:22
    Brad Singletary
    That’s a whole another show. We’ll have you back for that one.

    00:32:55:22 – 00:34:06:15
    Tanner Smith
    Well, I mean, like, you know, I got a year and a half a kid and a five year old. And I mean, trust me, I like eating food just as much as anyone. I’m going to go eat a whole pizza if I’m really going to eat some pizza. But one thing and I don’t think I have this perfected by any means, but definitely, like Gavin was saying is, is what do you buy and bring home, you know, is going to influence what they see as being available to them to eat? I mean, if they’re hungry, they’re going to eat something. It’s a question of what do they see? And what are they going to grab first? And you know, little kids, why deprive them of things that you know, other little kids have? I think, you know, some sugary cereal? Great. But it’s a question of, you know, are you going to let them have two or three bowls of sugary cereal? So one of the things we try to do with with my kids is like, Hey, do you want to have some cereal? Here’s your one bowl of cereal. You’re still hungry. You have the option of having, say, a banana or an apple, something that’s more nutritious to kind of, well, hopefully balance that. But at least that way, they’re still, you know, able to get what they want, and they’re also getting some kind of nutrition on top of that.

    00:34:08:09 – 00:34:18:13
    Brad Singletary
    When it comes to what you personally prefer, when you’re trying to be mindful and you’re trying to eat well, what things do you want a lot of and what do you want to try to avoid personally?

    00:34:19:27 – 00:35:24:10
    Tanner Smith
    Well. I think, you know, from the this is one of the biggest things that I think there’s so many things out there that it’s like, you know, you see all these diets, it’s like, OK, you need more fat, let’s go with the keto diet, you need to eat more protein. You know, you got all these different diets that are promoting one specific, you know, thing. And it’s like. If you’re an athlete, you’re going to need a lot more protein, if you’re doing like endurance type of things, you’re going to need more carbohydrates on top of that. So I would say the regular day to day person, you know, even then, it’s even still complicated because everybody’s body’s different. Everybody metabolizes things differently. I mean, there’s just because I’m interested in this kind of stuff. There’s this website, a company called Genopalate, and now you give him a DNA test and they’ll tell you, you know, what types of things you metabolize better than others based on your genes and how much of that is 100% backed by, you know, the data and research they’ve done? I don’t know 100%, but there is some genetic linkages to a lot of these different things.

    00:35:24:10 – 00:36:40:21
    Tanner Smith
    My body, structure requires more protein than probably the average structure. That’s just my genetic build up of muscle and everything like that. So, um. You know, it’s I don’t I think the best diet you can do is you have to choose what you like to eat. If you deprive yourself of what you like, then you’re going to be miserable and you’re not going to stick with that diet for very long. So I always think of people like, you know, I have a lot of friends that are into the weightlifting and bodybuilding, and they do competitions and they do their cheat meals and things like that. And you know, if that’s what gets you through living a whole week of just really good, strong diet and then you know, you have your cheat meal once a week or whatever. I mean, that’s one way to do it or my thing is I try to figure out how I can just balance things in general, so I try to eat really healthy or at least the best I can because trust me, I like I like other foods that are not so healthy. But, you know, instead of having like five cookies at night, I’ll be like, I can have my, you know, one thing that I love, which is one cookie and I’ll call it a day with one cookie, but I don’t do it by email. So I think it’s better to be able to have that self-control to say I can have one cookie and call it a day.

    00:36:42:03 – 00:36:42:23
    Brad Singletary
    It’s interesting.

    00:36:42:24 – 00:38:07:07
    Gavin Hillman
    You know, for me that that balanced approach is has been successful. I’ve never been very strict on I have to eat only this and not this, because that tends to lead you up to fail because we all know it. You know, why deprive yourself of foods that are available or you’re meeting with your family and there’s cookies or cake or something involved and you don’t want to have that guilt or anything like that? Or I can eat this or I’m going to, you know, destroy my diet. And so, yeah, I mean, I enjoy those things. But like you said, the majority of my diet I know on my before I’m eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, you know, snacks, things like that I know are typically good foods or healthy foods, things that I’m trying to be intentional about eating or preparing to eat. And so I’m not trying to, you know, preparing. I guess that’s where I’m going with that is being intentional about what I’m eating. I’m not trying to guess where I’m going to be eating or, you know, you go out for the day and you think, I don’t know where I’m going to go. And so you end up getting fast food or things like that, and then you end up doing that every single day. I mean, those those calories and that that type of food adds up. And so I think trying to figure out of planning out ahead or at least having an idea of what you’re going to be eating on a day to day basis and trying to make the majority of that food good, nutritious food, then you can balance out with the other stuff.

    00:38:09:10 – 00:39:21:10
    Brad Singletary
    So I am a still quite an unhealthy person, but at one time I weighed 426 pounds. I had actually had weight loss surgery and at my best at my at my best I think I I think I’d lost about 165 pounds. But in some of the preparation for that, you had to go to nutrition classes and different things. And one of the things they mentioned was you’ve got to stop eating for entertainment. When I think about these elite athletes here, we’re we’re you’re talking about. You’re considering what this is doing to the machine, not just this will be fun. This will be fun and I know you do that sound like I think Tanner, if it’s OK, if I say your Instagram handle is donuts and run, and that seems like a part of your sort of, you know, identity like, I’m going to run and then I’ll have a donut. And that’s a cool way to kind of balance some of that out. But if your daily eating whatever sounds good or whatever, it’s entertainment, does that make sense? Don’t eat for entertainment. I think that’s part of our culture. You know, think about everything is connected to food and the and the just how fun can we make food? And that’s where we maybe get into problems sometimes.

    00:39:21:19 – 00:39:34:17
    Gavin Hillman
    Right. And are you eating because you’re bored or eating because you’re in the emotional state or something like that and in your right? I mean, when you’re associating foods with those, you know, those type of mental states, then you can become dangerous.

    00:39:35:12 – 00:40:50:22
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah, I mean, I think and you know, it’s such a tricky thing because people give food just such a negative thing, you know, especially lately, it seems like food is just, you know, so many negative things about food. And then people have all these, you know, bad relationships with food. I think food should be fun to some extent. It’s just it’s just a matter of you being able to figure out how to control that. And that’s just with anything. And so I mean. We go to, you know, I love going out to dinner and checking out a new restaurant when I go, I’m like, you know, if I’m going to go to the restaurant, I’m going to try everything on the menu and see what this restaurant’s all about. And now, you know, you got Instagram and all these other things to advertise all these places and see what they have to offer. So I think in our culture too, you know, we’re we’re a type of people that we like to go out and meet up with friends and, you know, go out to eat and share the experience with people and stuff. So I think that food needs to be fun. It’s just a matter of you figuring out how to control that, so yeah, we don’t have to be. Maybe once every day type of fun isn’t a good thing, but you know, maybe a once a month say, Hey, you know, I’m going to go check out this new restaurant this month and you’ll meet up with some friends and go, Have fun.

    00:40:51:23 – 00:42:05:27
    Brad Singletary
    I’m guessing you’re not seeing people in the emergency room who eat healthy all month, and they went out one time and had some pizza. Now they’re all jacked up. This is the chronic, you know, the person who’s just chronically choosing the worst kinds of things. So, yeah, we don’t have to demonize the donor. We don’t have to demonize food, but to handle it with some mindfulness and some care and some intention about it, that seems to be what makes the difference. What about water? So I will admit something. I am 35 days now sober from Monster Energy. I was drinking five of those a day that I think I calculated about 700 milligrams of caffeine a day. And I’m lucky to be sitting here because I did that for years and years and years. I even remember I went to I was out on a camping trip with Tanner’s brother here and some of the kids in our neighborhood for a scouting event, and I had to have an ice chest with some monster energy or I didn’t think I could function. And anyway, so I just quit that I’ve been drinking mostly water. I have a little sparkling water here with me now, but talk about the value of hydration and what that does if you are not properly hydrated.

    00:42:07:25 – 00:42:50:09
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah. I mean, with water comes out, you just have to drink water. I mean, people, I get a lot of excuses of people. I don’t like the taste, you know, the water stale, you know, a lot of reasons why they don’t drink water. And the interesting thing about thing about that is, you know, water is one of the characteristics of our of our biological makeup. I mean, it’s you have NASA that has spent billions of dollars of creating and developing equipment to go scour the cosmos to find planets with water. Right, right. And here we have water right here like, we need water. We need to drink it. And people for some reason have created this aversion to drinking water. They they have to oh, well, there’s water in soda or there’s water and energy drinks and there’s water and coffee and…

    00:42:50:11 – 00:42:51:19
    Brad Singletary
    Water and beer. What do you mean?

    00:42:51:24 – 00:43:13:03
    Gavin Hillman
    Beer? I drink that and you know, in in that instance, like, I just it just boggles my mind. Like, your body needs water, your body needs to be hydrate. It’s one of the most overlooked, I think functions to our everyday health that people don’t think about, like we just need to drink water. So my advice on that is just drink some damn water.

    00:43:13:03 – 00:43:14:13
    Brad Singletary
    Right? Yeah.

    00:43:15:07 – 00:43:42:22
    Tanner Smith
    Well, the funny thing is is, I mean, I’m not the best of drinking water. I think honestly, I drink water because my body recognize that recognizes the need for it, especially with, you know, running and cycling and things. But at the end of the day, you can drink too much water and that could end you up in the in the air too, because too much water unfortunately dilutes all of the other, you know, nutrients and everything in our body. So too much water is a bad thing. So one of the…

    00:43:43:07 – 00:43:49:08
    Gavin Hillman
    When when you’re saying too much water, I mean, you have to have a lot of water, I mean that.

    00:43:49:14 – 00:44:09:26
    Tanner Smith
    So the funny thing is, believe it or not, there is actually a lot of people that do endurance events, whether that’s a marathon or a cycling event or an Ironman or something like that. And they actually over hydrate and they end up in a medical tent because they drink too much and their their potassium is super low because they drink too much water, basically.

    00:44:09:27 – 00:44:12:15
    Gavin Hillman
    I can see that, but let’s bring it down to the audience here.

    00:44:12:20 – 00:44:14:27
    Brad Singletary
    Yeah. So how much are we talking like when?

    00:44:15:06 – 00:44:40:18
    Tanner Smith
    And that’s kind of the point that I’m getting to. I mean, you hear about people saying, I need to drink two gallons of water because Tom Brady does that or he already has some crazy, you know, formula for why? And so the way that I think is about water is is and this is one of the things they kind of I’ve read about it within running and stuff is you should drink to thirst if you’re thirsty, drink some water. If you’re thirsty, you don’t need to stress out about drinking more water just to drink it.

    00:44:41:15 – 00:46:02:16
    Brad Singletary
    Oh, that’s a good thought. When I moved to Vegas, I think this happened here in Vegas on the radio station here. I don’t know if it’s a syndicated program or whatever, but the WII was pretty, new WII, you know, the game console and they had this contest. It was called Wee for a WII and they sat there in the audience or they sat there in the studio and their drinking water, and whoever could drink the most water was going to win the WII. So we for a we like, how much can you pee or whatever? Anyway, the lady died because she drank so much water. And that’s one of the things that turned me into like, I guess you could be, you could overdo that. But recently, something I read was about cholesterol and the buildup in your arteries. So my dad, had he had a seven bypass heart surgery, so they bypass seven vessels or veins. I don’t know which one it is in his heart because there were some of were like 99% closed, 95% closed. And I read about that water. One of the reasons that happens is because you don’t have enough water and it’s just kind of build up and you can you can flush some of that with proper water. And I mean, my dad was a fan of buttermilk. And so I’m thinking. To me, I’m thinking of like I’m thinking of like paint, you know, paint thinner, you know, it’s going to thin the stuff. And so maybe water like thins thins your blood a little bit. So it’s not just tracking all this mud, you know, through your through your blood system.

    00:46:02:17 – 00:47:06:10
    Brad Singletary
    I don’t know. I just I found the benefits from that recently. one of the things that made me look at that was. And some of my clients listen to this show, but I would have appointments with people all day and I would have to cancel like three or four in a row because I couldn’t stay awake, so I’m drinking. By that time in the morning, I would had two or three monster energy drinks and I couldn’t stay awake and I would have to cancel appointments. Sleep right here on this couch, take a nap, and I shouldn’t have had to do that. But once I started drinking water, I had like no more fatigue like that. It just helped me so much so, so water, obviously very important. Let’s talk about activity, physical activity, so what’s the role of movement in? Maintaining optimal health, obviously, these guys are sold on it themselves, but how important is intentional movement, not just you work a physical job, you’re on your feet all day, but like literally. Going out there to exercise?

    00:47:07:15 – 00:47:34:28
    Tanner Smith
    I think the most important thing when it comes to exercise is if you’re going to make it a daily routine and make it a pattern in a lifestyles, you have to find out what you like to do. OK? If lifting if lifting weights is your thing that you love doing that, you’ll probably go do it three or four times a week. If you like to run, you’re going to go do it three or four times a week if it’s something that you don’t enjoy doing. I mean, you’re just setting yourself up to stop doing it after you just get burned out on it.

    00:47:35:03 – 00:47:43:07
    Brad Singletary
    Now you hate yourself because you’re never doing it, but you have this idealized thing that you think is would be great. But you’re saying, do what you like to do.

    00:47:44:01 – 00:48:12:16
    Tanner Smith
    If you like to swim. Go swim. You like to ride a bike, ride a bike. I mean, everybody’s body is different. And you know, I wish I could say everybody could be a runner, but it’s not always the easiest thing to do, especially on the body. So. And even somebody like me, I mean, you know, I run a race and my body takes time to recover from that because it does take a beating. But finding what you like, I think, is the most important thing to setting up yourself for a good, solid routine of doing it.

    00:48:12:26 – 00:48:13:26
    Brad Singletary
    Well, that’s good advice.

    00:48:14:16 – 00:50:07:16
    Gavin Hillman
    And when you say, how important is this movement? I’d say it’s vital. I mean, our body is designed to move. Our joints need movement. Our muscles need movement or connective tissues. Everything in there, you know, our heart needs to be elevated, needs to be taxed to have a good cardiovascular system and all those things. So our bodies need to move. And what I see on a day to day basis are people that have neglected movement and they don’t want to because for whatever reason, it’s hard or they heard they’re in pain. And when you neglect that movement, the body is that old “Use it or lose it”. If you don’t move your body, you’re going to lose it. I mean, we all think about, Oh, you know, I used to be able to do this. I used to be able to go out and play basketball or I used to be able to, you know, these things. But if you stop doing it for a long time, all of a sudden you can’t do it anymore. I went out, I was playing softball this couple of years ago and I hadn’t played softball in a long time, you know, and I thought, Oh yeah, I can just go out there and it’ll be just like the good old days, right? And it wasn’t. It was hard. You know, my my reaction time was off. My my ability to judge the fly balls and things like that was off because I hadn’t done that for a long time. And so our bodies are they need that movement on a consistent basis. Otherwise, it’s going to forget and it’s not going to be as optimal in a way of being able to do that movement again. And sometimes that movement becomes just our basic movement of things of, you know, getting up and being able to do our daily chores or our daily activities or whatever it may be. And so your body needs movement. That’s what you got to understand. I guess that’s my my big message is your body needs to be moved in one way or another. So like often we’re saying find a way that you enjoy moving your body and there’s a lot of different avenues. You can go about doing that, but you need to incorporate that into a healthy lifestyle.

    00:50:09:07 – 00:51:13:06
    Brad Singletary
    Yes, so I have had a couple of knee surgeries and on one of them, I had an ACL reconstruction and I didn’t follow up on the physical therapy and I still have if you look at my my quad on this leg, it’s way smaller like this has been so, so long ago and because of, I don’t know maybe three months of of of less activity on that leg and and I don’t remember how long I was on crutches, not moving, but I didn’t do that. I didn’t continue the movement and that the atrophy, I think, is the word. It’s just it’s it’s still there. You could look at my you could look at me standing up and you could see that my left leg is just way smaller because I didn’t continue the movement. I’m also wondering, too, with like the elderly, when it comes to their bone density and stuff like that, does that is that affected by? A movement, I mean, I guess there’s a lot of factors, but the little old lady or a little old man who is not moving very much, does that make them even more vulnerable to bone breaks and stuff like that?

    00:51:13:09 – 00:51:23:04
    Gavin Hillman
    Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, you get that, you know, osteoporotic individual and a lot of times that bone density has decreased because just a lack of load. Our body responds to load.

    00:51:23:17 – 00:51:29:28
    Brad Singletary
    And so I like that. Well, no, no. It’s going to respond really well to mine. I got a big wide load here. But I mean.

    00:51:29:28 – 00:51:56:21
    Gavin Hillman
    If if we give it a control load, you know, our body can accommodate to that and it can be. And so our bones are the same way. And, you know, by going out and running and lifting weights or do whatever it is, you’re putting weight bearing stress onto your bones, they’re going to become more dense. And so if you’re not doing that for a period of time that our bodies are going to react to that as well as it become less dense. And so you’re going to be a lot more susceptible to the breaks and things like that.

    00:51:57:06 – 00:52:20:14
    Brad Singletary
    Oh my gosh, that’s that’s great. Our body responds to load. That’s such a cool idea. Like we have to. Put ourselves under some pressure under we have to. Absolutely blows my mind right there. Tanner thoughts on the healing power or the preventative nature of like how movement prevents us from having problems.

    00:52:21:21 – 00:53:41:29
    Tanner Smith
    Well. You know, it’s a lot of buzz about Gavin has already talked about as far as preventing so. If you’re lifting weights or doing anything that’s, you know, weight bearing or resistance training or whatever it is, you’re you’re preventing the breakdown of muscle. Right? So as as you know, as we age, unfortunately, everybody deteriorates, and that’s one thing that we can’t control, but we can’t control how much exercise we do or what we do to kind of preserve that or decrease the rate at being at as far as things breaking down. So exercise is huge as far as preventing that, and it regulates a lot more things than just, you know, our muscles or our bones. There’s a lot of other hormones and different things related about related with when we exercise and so exercise is something we just I think we need to do. And in the definition of exercise is all how we want to put it. I mean, if walking around the block is exercise, you know, and you can label it that, I don’t really consider riding my bike as exercise I do it because I like doing it, and it’s it’s actually more of a hobby and fun. But then if it is, it’s exercise too. So.

    00:53:43:11 – 00:54:31:20
    Brad Singletary
    I hear a lot of people saying I feel this way, too, that it’s easier for me to exercise if it’s a game, if I’m running round with my kids or I’m playing you in just a little like softball game, that’s I guess there’s not a ton of movement in softball or whatever, but versus like soccer or basketball but to compete with other people and have a if this is playing a game, a field game or an indoor court game or even, what are the old guys playing now the of. Or just whatever to kind of get to move a little bit? That’s seemed like what you said. If you enjoy it, you’re going to be more much more likely to do that. I’m curious about what you guys do for your own physical routines. I mean, what? How many miles you run and how much do you lift? Do you what is your typical when you’re doing well and you’re feeling good? What are you doing in a week or a day or a month?

    00:54:33:04 – 00:54:38:16
    Tanner Smith
    So a lot of that depends on if I have an event on the calendar that I’m training for.

    00:54:38:24 – 00:54:39:03
    Brad Singletary
    Mm-Hmm.

    00:54:39:05 – 00:56:35:21
    Tanner Smith
    So. I actually signed up for events because that motivates me to continue on training one when, you know, there’s definitely a time after an event that you need to recover. Let the body heal that kind of thing from the training that you put it through. And that’s part of the strengthening processes is recovery and in, you know, rest. So it varies a lot depending on whether it’s a marathon. I’m training four or five K half marathon cycling race. It just kind of varies. But I think, you know, even when it’s that time after the race. I still have that need for consistency and just being like, I need to go out and do something today because, you know, you really they call this what they call it, marathon blues in the running world. And that’s this period of time where people take time off of running because they just ran a race and they’re just like, Man, what am I going to do with my life now? You know, I was running four or five, six times a week, and now here I am, you know, in this recovery phase of not running at all. And so they have this void that they’re like, I don’t know what to do with it. So we developed that consistency, you know, I think that’s the most important thing, whether it’s one mile, you know that you go for a walk or a jog or whatever, but doing that regularly is the most important thing. I don’t think it’s funny because I know people that they’re not that consistent. But they have this weekly mileage goal that they think they have to get to to be ready for a race. And so here they are, come, you know, Saturday, and they’re like, Oh man, I didn’t run all week long and I still got to get 20 miles this week. So then they end up running to ten mile runs. But. And that’s not the best way to do it. I mean, you think of 2:10 mile runs, and that’s I mean, that’s a pretty long run. But 20 miles in a week, if you just broke that up and you know, couple of four mile runs here and there, that’s much easier than a ten.

    00:56:37:07 – 00:56:44:28
    Brad Singletary
    So are you running almost every day? He does five days a week or what’s your own a typical again average average weaker?

    00:56:45:11 – 00:56:48:24
    Tanner Smith
    I would say I’m active, probably on average five days a week. OK.

    00:56:49:22 – 00:56:57:13
    Brad Singletary
    And you’re do you do treadmill, running around the neighborhood? Go in the mountains. You want to be on hills. What’s your preferred or do you mix it up?

    00:56:58:06 – 00:57:28:12
    Tanner Smith
    I think the body likes change in some ways, and so and the body adapts to whatever stimulus you give it. So if running on the same exact road, day in, day out, your body is going to adjust to that and it’s going to become easier and easier. And it can also cause problems at the same time. So mixing things up, so I do I do a variety of things. I ride my bike a couple of days a week. I run on the treadmill, you know, a day, a week or something like that, and then run a variety of different routes on the street as well when I’m running.

    00:57:29:18 – 00:57:30:09
    Brad Singletary
    How about you, Gavin?

    00:57:30:14 – 00:58:20:19
    Gavin Hillman
    I am a man of routine, OK? I get into routines and I am able to stick to routines, so yes, I am. I wake up at 4:20 every morning and leave the house. I’m walking into the gym at 5:00. I used to do a 15 minute warm up, you know, a run or so on the treadmill. And then about 30 minutes of lifting where I’ll do, I’ll do weights, and then I’m leaving the gym at 6:00 and heading out to work. And so I typically do that four days a week and then I’ll do one day of treadmill running, or I try to get a 30 minute run in at least a little over three miles. And then, you know, the weekends are my variable right now. Tanner and I are getting up early on Sunday mornings and running because we got to the rock and roll race.

    00:58:20:20 – 00:58:24:00
    Brad Singletary
    Oh, is that December? That’s this month? Or when is that one?

    00:58:24:13 – 00:58:25:21
    Gavin Hillman
    That one’s in February.

    00:58:25:21 – 00:58:28:27
    Brad Singletary
    Oh, that’s not a. We used to do a Vegas one the rock and roll in Vegas in December.

    00:58:28:27 – 00:58:31:29
    Gavin Hillman
    It used to be in November every year, but…

    00:58:32:11 – 00:58:40:15
    Brad Singletary
    There’s this one here in town? You’re doing the rock and roll. Oh, nice. Vegas one. I’ve been to a couple of those events. Those are pretty cool. Yeah, rock and roll stuff.

    00:58:40:19 – 00:58:45:15
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah, yeah. Tanner’s he’s been doing them for I think a number of years or so. This will be my first year doing it.

    00:58:46:12 – 00:59:32:25
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah, it’s a. And that’s the thing is, you know, some of these events, they they they give you a goal to set your mind to and to train for, which makes it a little bit easier to be motivated to get out the door and, you know, get moving. But then, you know, the events also the reward, as far as you know, this is the rock and roll event they put together. They have like rock bands set up, you know, throughout the course, like you turn a corner and then there’s a stage with some band playing some music and stuff. And I mean, if you want, you know, you can stop and watch for them and keep on your keep on with the chorus or whatever you want to do. And then they have like a big, huge concert before the race starts and stuff. So I mean, it’s a cool environment and experience, and if you can recruit people to do it with you, then you got someone to train with and it’s a little bit more exciting too.

    00:59:33:19 – 01:00:30:24
    Brad Singletary
    That’s so awesome. So I went to a couple of those with my ex-wife. She’s I wouldn’t say a runner, but she did that just to challenge herself. She did the Nashville rock and roll and then the Vegas one. And I have to tell you, if you had ever been there, maybe just go to the race, even if you don’t know anyone or whatever, just if you go to that environment, you guys, if you want to kind of look into this whole idea of doing this thing, just go down there, just just watch the people. And it’s the most positive environment I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and I’ve been around some nice people. But man, that whole world of like fitness and the competitions, everybody’s just here and everybody, all the people in the race, they’re just digging in and they’re just pushing through, trying to get a record there. It’s amazing. The the atmosphere is just it’s electric with positivity and just hearing you talk about it. I got a little bit of goosebumps because I have some memories of that as a as an as a a observer, what do you call that spectator?

    01:00:31:02 – 01:00:33:07
    Gavin Hillman
    Spectators can enjoy it.

    01:00:33:07 – 01:00:40:14
    Brad Singletary
    Yeah, you get a buzz from just watching that stuff. But and then you’ve done some like Tough Mudders or some of those kind of I’m interested in those. Yeah.

    01:00:40:15 – 01:02:13:03
    Gavin Hillman
    And you know, when you were what you were saying about that vibe, I remember that that first Tough Mudder, that was the one that we talked about earlier where I had the extreme cramping and all that. So it was hard. But I remember finishing that race and thinking, man, like as I thought about, you know, everything we just did, the thing that stood out my mind was it was like this utopian society where everyone was helping me like everyone was, was, you know, helping me get over walls or cheering me on or, you know, things like that. And it was like, you go to those things and there’s such a positive vibe. And I think that’s what it draws people out because you’re you’re doing something hard, you’re doing something and taxing like, I shouldn’t be enjoying this, right? I am. I’m putting myself through hell, you know, trying to run this marathon, but you’re enjoying every minute of it because of the of the people that are out there and because of the the vibe when I did the St George marathon a couple of years ago, you know that when you’re coming down off from the canyon and once you get to the last few miles you, that’s when you run into the town of St George. And all of a sudden the streets are lined with people. You know, kids and families out there with signs, you know, rooting you on and cheering you on. And I remember I got to a point in the race where I thought I was going to throw up. Like, I just I started feeling really ill. And then as I saw those all those kids there, you know, rooting me on, I thought, I can’t, I can’t now. I can’t do that in front of them. And it just gave me that motivation is OK. I got it’s got to keep going and I got to finish this thing out.

    01:02:13:23 – 01:03:31:26
    Brad Singletary
    Dude. Yeah, that’s just he’s right about the crowd is just cheering for you. I mean, their person is there still an hour away from the finish line, but they’re cheering on you because they’re connecting with you. It’s just it’s that I think that might be a goal for myself is just to go to one of those events
    in the next couple of months. Maybe I’ll go to one of the February. If you guys are doing it, maybe I’ll go and you have kids out there. It’s just fun. There’s always good food. And like you said, entertainment, I want to talk about the beginner, you know, couch potato guy like me. So I have, you know, earlier in my life. So I played college football. So I spent a lot of time training and doing weights and all kinds of exercise, and I was in much better shape, solid at 200 pounds, I felt good. But I’ve gotten so far away from that for the guy who’s not done much, you know, middle school was middle school, he was the last time he he really exercised. Where should he began? What can he do? Maybe one of the ideas Tanner is find something that you enjoy. But if a guy just wants to get moving and start, what would you recommend for, you know, 50 guy? He just 50 year old guy just quit smoking and he’s trying to preserve his health and he wants to incorporate some activity, some exercise. What would you say to that guy?

    01:03:32:23 – 01:03:56:06
    Tanner Smith
    I mean, I think about all these like success stories of other people that even motivate and inspire me. And in for a lot of these people, it’s like, Hey, you know what? I made the goal today that instead of, you know, if you go get your, you know, morning coffee or whatever it is or you go, you know, you have like some kind of thing you like to do once a day. They’re like, you know what, instead of drive in my car, I’m going to walk to that point and I’m going to get that and then I’m going to walk home.

    01:03:56:06 – 01:03:57:05
    Brad Singletary
    Walk to Starbucks.

    01:03:57:05 – 01:04:19:07
    Tanner Smith
    There. Yeah. So you walk to Starbucks to get your drink and then you walk back. So I mean, it’s just making that small, small adjustment to your life and finding a way that’s motivating you to get out and move a little bit. So if you’re motivated that you got to have your Starbucks in the morning, you’re like, Hey, I definitely got you my Starbucks, how am I going to get there? I’m going to walk today. So you walk, you know.

    01:04:19:12 – 01:04:29:08
    Gavin Hillman
    When you say small things? Or or am I going to drive around the parking lot for 20 minutes trying to find the closest spot to finally take one of those back lines and walk an extra 30 feet?

    01:04:29:09 – 01:04:30:03
    Brad Singletary
    Oh, that’s awesome.

    01:04:30:03 – 01:05:25:15
    Tanner Smith
    I mean, yeah, that’s that’s that’s why, you know, you hear about the people that are like, You know what? I’ve decided I’m no longer going to take the elevator, you know, work. I’m going to take the stairs from now on or exactly park in the back of the parking lot and walk to the front of the store and get a few extra steps. And so I think those are all places to start. Along with finding something you like to do and you know, your past medical history obviously will limit you to some extent to, you know, surgeries and things that you’ve had or, you know, some things are going to be easier than others to get involved with. But everything when it comes to exercising, whether it’s lifting weights, running, cycling or whatever it is, you have to start out in baby steps. And a lot of people get, you know, so amped and so jazzed about, Oh, I’m going to, you know, go out and run eight miles today and they haven’t ran, you know, in years. They do that eight miles and they’re like, Yeah, I can’t walk for days now. And it’s like, Well, you’re not going to go run tomorrow because you’re not you’re not going to be filling it anymore.

    01:05:25:15 – 01:05:28:00
    Brad Singletary
    Overdo it early on, kind of thing.

    01:05:28:01 – 01:05:43:26
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah. And you get in, you get burned out and things like that. So you really have to. I mean, this is life is a marathon. It’s a long race. You have to start out nice and slow and you’re just building up slowly up to a point where you want to be or, you know, whatever you’re training for

    01:05:45:13 – 01:06:52:02
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah, I would say, you know, what do you need to start with, I’d say first, you need to start with the goal, you know, what do you really want and figure that out? What were you wanting our viewers? You wanting to, you know, just improve how you feel? Are you wanting to improve how you look or are you wanting to improve your energy? You know, if you have that goal in mind, that’s going to make you feel a lot more likely to be successful with it. And then, you know, don’t be scared to go out there and find somebody to help you if you need to hire a trainer, if you need to find a running buddy. There’s a lot of weight in accountability. If we have somebody that we’re accountable to, that we’re reporting in with to make sure that we’re doing those things, we’re going to be a lot more successful. And if you’re not the also the benefit of, let’s say, hiring a trainer is if you’re not sure what to do, you can’t hurt yourself there. There are injuries. You can inquire and then that’s just going to set you back and discourage you. And so if you get somebody that you that is as qualified to be able to help you start, then they’re going to be able to point you in that right direction and prevent you from going out running that eight miles right off the bat and then never wanting to run again in your life because he has such a miserable experience.

    01:06:53:08 – 01:08:42:08
    Brad Singletary
    That’s great. Yeah, I like that. So decide what you want to do. Find ways to increase your movement in your natural everyday life. Take the further parking spot. Maybe don’t take the elevator, take the stairs, walk to get your get your drink or find ways to increase your steps. So when COVID started, I had a gym membership. At the time I canceled it because I wasn’t going because you had to wear a mask in the gym and I said, All right, I don’t want to load up my garage with weights and equipment. It’s hard for me to, you know, pay for a fee to go to a place and I have to wear a mask to work out. I didn’t want to do that. Maybe those are just excuses, but I found this app that it was just like a bunch of bodyweight exercises. You know, air squats, dude. If you haven’t done anything, do 20 air squats and see how you feel tomorrow because you will be shocked that it’s going to be hard to sit down and take a dump because you’re so sore. If you haven’t had a lot of physical activity or, you know, push ups and sit ups and those kinds of things, really, there’s no excuse not to have more physical activity. If you say, I can’t afford a gym, I don’t want to go to the gym, it’s too early. We got too much going on in my life. I just think if you can be honest about the fact that you don’t want to do that, then you feel less guilty, but you can do it in your living room. Sometimes I don’t get home from work until. 11:00 at night, everyone’s asleep. I don’t want to be loud and doing anything, and I can sit in my living room and do this little routine where I’m doing, you know, a combination of push ups and all these different things that it leads you through. There’s an app, there’s a low cost, maybe trainer. There’s a program, there’s a class at your gym, at the rec center. They have stuff or you can walk around your neighborhood and every now and then pick it up and double time it with some jogging.

    01:08:42:08 – 01:09:19:08
    Brad Singletary
    I just I just think if you’re trying to be healthier, you’ve got to decide what you want to do and start moving in some way or another. But I agree. Don’t overdo it. I don’t think you should overdo it. You’re going to get hurt. I’ve been that guy to where it’s like, Whoa, I can’t even move or I’ve ripped my shoulder. I was bench pressing too much. I like it. And now you’re not going to be in the gym because now you’re at physical therapy. So what are the things lead to failure men start stuff. They start a routine. They they try to begin. What about psychologically? You know what? What about our mood or our mental weakness?

    01:09:20:27 – 01:10:05:16
    Tanner Smith
    I think I think the biggest, you know, and it’s like you were saying there’s 1,000,000 excuses you can come up with why you can’t do something and. The accountability, I think, is one of the most important things, so last night I went to that we we’ve been planning these these runs for a couple of guys that we know every Sunday morning. And so I’ve been sending out a text and saying, Hey, all right, we’re meeting up, you know, 6:00 a.m. or 6:30 or whatever on Sunday morning to go for a run. And then I’ve just kind of taken it upon myself to kind of send out this routine message to see who’s all going to show up or, you know, to kind of give people a reminder that, hey, we are going to meet up and go on this run. And last night, I went to the Foo Fighters concert.

    01:10:06:00 – 01:10:06:17
    Brad Singletary
    All right.

    01:10:06:23 – 01:10:35:24
    Tanner Smith
    And so, you know, the Foo Fighters play a strong concert and that went and I didn’t even get home till like 12:30. And but prior to that, I didn’t realize they were going to be playing till, you know, 12:30 at night. And so I had already made arrangements to meet up with Gavin and a couple other people in 6:00 a.m. and I was like, You know, I go home. I was like, Well. I’m I said I was going to be there, so I’m going to be there and, you know, I get there and nobody’s out there and I’m like wow.

    01:10:36:29 – 01:10:42:01
    Brad Singletary
    All right, Gavin, you dog doing this right now. OK, let’s go. So.

    01:10:42:04 – 01:10:57:00
    Tanner Smith
    So a couple of people, you know they did. They were there at the time we had planned on and I was like, All right, I’m going to give Gavin because he said, he’s going to be here. I might give him till 6:05. Sure enough, 6:05 Gavin’s right there. He’s like, Man, I was here at 5:58, but I had to go to the bathroom, so.

    01:10:57:00 – 01:11:01:27
    Gavin Hillman
    I went back home and I was like, I can go back in and go to the bathroom quick.

    01:11:02:04 – 01:11:56:21
    Tanner Smith
    But long story short, you know, I don’t think had I not had that accountability, the people that had made arrangements with, I probably would have been like, You know what? Much easier. Just sleep in, not go for a run. But because I had made those arrangements and somebody had to be accountable to, I was out there at 6:00 a.m., you know, getting a run in. And one thing that over the years that I’ve always. That I’ve come to realize is the only runs or cycle, you know, cycling rides that I regret are usually the ones that I don’t go on, like, I never like, look back and like, Man, I should have really slept in today and not gone on that run or anything. It’s like usually the ones that I sleep in. I’m like later on them, like I should’ve just like, got up and gone for that run. Like that was. That’s a weak excuse. So. Anyways.

    01:11:57:14 – 01:11:58:10
    Brad Singletary
    Oh, that’s awesome.

    01:11:59:04 – 01:12:22:21
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah. You know, I think. You know, why do we fail? You know, there’s a lot of reasons of why we fail, but when it comes to activity, you know, boredom and again, just forgetting why you’re doing it. You know, for me, I like to be healthy because I like to know that I can go out and play with my kids at anytime. You know, I don’t have to. I know I’m not going to overtax. I can get down on the floor and and play around with them and the rest of.

    01:12:22:21 – 01:12:22:24
    Brad Singletary
    The rest of the day

    01:12:22:29 – 01:12:55:06
    Gavin Hillman
    Way back up. I can go out and throw a ball or go running. So those are those type of things, you know, they motivate me to stay active and to be routinely active. And so, again, just just going back and knowing what your goal is, you know, if you’re feeling discouraged or whatever the case may be or if distractions come about, or if you fall out of routine for a bit, just go back to, you know, why am I doing this? And that’s to have a better life and to be of stronger influence, not only in my life, but in the life of those around me.

    01:12:56:21 – 01:13:18:21
    Brad Singletary
    So what drives you to compete? I mean, you’ve talked about some of these your hobbies in that you do these things, but why do a race, why pay money and travel to Boston? Why? I mean that that’s an obvious, you know, high level thing. But what makes you want to run the local marathons and stuff like that? Why not just jog in your neighborhood a little running group? And why do you want to join a competition?

    01:13:20:11 – 01:14:50:05
    Tanner Smith
    It’s kind of like I was saying before, you know, paying the money and committing yourself to something. It raises the accountability level. You know, you can only put off training for a race for so long before you realize, well, I’m probably not going to run this race unless I actually started training. So at some point, you know, that’s going to click in your mind, you’re going to start moving or you’re just going to say, Well, there goes $100 or however much it costs to enter that race. But. For one of one of the things that kind of really sucked me into these events and Gavin’s ran the St George marathon, but it’s it’s amazing to be a part of something that’s much bigger than yourself. Like, you know, there’s a lot of you. I played high school sports and, you know, moving on from high school, I’ve always been, you know, into sports and competing and things like that. And you can’t ever go back and play high school baseball or football or basketball or anything like that. So it’s for someone that’s been there and experienced that. And I think that’s why a lot of people don’t continue on, you know, doing a lot of active things just because they’re like, the experience is never going to be the same as that high school sport or whatever. But I think in doing some of these events, like running, you bring some of that back and it’s being in the atmosphere of others that are competing and you know, you get that adrenaline kind of rush and it’s like you’re at the starting line and it’s like, Oh man, this is so amazing. I’m going to run so fast. And then you’ve got other people that are competitive and you’re like, I can run faster than them. But you know, and you don’t know that until the finish line.

    01:14:50:05 – 01:15:48:16
    Tanner Smith
    But I think that that’s one of the big motivating factors. And it’s, you know, you get to the point of the Boston Marathon, which is even, you know, a bigger scale way in at the Boston Marathon. That’s one of the races where the professional runners that are actually sponsored and getting paid, they’re running the exact same course as you on that same day, and they’re starting a little bit before you. So, you know, it’s like going and playing baseball and you’re in your, you know, in the LA Dodgers Stadium, right? Yeah, I mean, it’s it’s it’s a pretty amazing experience and that was like a long term goal for me was I ran one marathon. I was like, You know what? I think someday I could get to Boston, and I thought it was going to be an easy thing to get to, you know, several years and several marathons down the road, I finally qualified. But it’s it was amazing to be able to do that and it’s cool to be a part of something much bigger. And it’s it’s motivating and drives me to want to go back and do it again. And it’s just fun.

    01:15:48:17 – 01:15:54:16
    Brad Singletary
    Love it. How about you, Gavin? Why do you compete and sign up for things is similar to what the trainer said or you have?

    01:15:54:22 – 01:17:06:07
    Gavin Hillman
    I mean, you know, Tanner, he’s running in a lot more competitive level than I am. You know, I’m more of your your hobby athlete. You know, I’ve always been active. You know, running is something that’s new to me. I’ve never been an endurance athlete at all. That was more my wife. She was she was always doing that. Me, I was, you know, I’d go into the gym and I’d lift and I do those things because I like to feel good and I like to know I could take my shirt off at the beach and ride halfway. Decent, right? And then she was the one she was, actually. She’s like, Hey, I signed you up for the St George Marathon. This was like an April, right? And she was like, Well, one says she’s like, It’s an October. I sign you up. We paid the money OK. And then I started thinking about I said, You know what? This is going to be different becomes something completely different for me. I’m not I’m I’m not used to that type of athleticism or that type of training. And so for me, it was the challenge be OK and I challenge myself to do this. Can I commit to doing this? And Tanner actually gave me a training program to follow. And by the end of that training program, I was able to say I was 100% compliant to that training program. I ran every mile that he said to run that race.

    01:17:06:08 – 01:17:06:28
    Brad Singletary
    Wow. Nice.

    01:17:07:09 – 01:17:33:10
    Gavin Hillman
    And there was an element of feeling good, right? So when I went to to do that race and then you talk about, you know, we already talked about the excitement of being at those races and that was my first one. And that was all true. I mean, it was exciting being there and to know that I had put forth the effort, I had done everything that I could do, everything that I was instructed to do, everything that I felt I could do. And I was I was there to run my best race. And that feels good. It just feels good to to challenge yourself in such a way and to be able to achieve those goals.

    01:17:34:08 – 01:18:55:29
    Brad Singletary
    That is super inspiring, man, I love that you’re one of the things we talk about in this whole in this whole program, our whole larger, broader message is that men need men. You need a tribe of people. You need someone who’s further along in whatever you’re doing in your professional training. You had to learn, you had to shadow the other, you know, the other folks and you had to do your rotations and whatever you call that. And in here you’re saying, I’ve leaned on someone who’s been there before and done this and I’ve and I’m using the power of a social, you know, social pressure or the accountability that comes from other people. I’m leading out in a in a little running group. I’m challenging myself up along with these other people in these races. It’s just beautiful what you guys are doing, man. I’m just super inspired by by what I’m hearing from you. I want to talk about like medical treatments and supplements and stuff like that. So men are kind of, you know, it’s the joking thing about men never go to the doctor and so forth. What? Why is it that men are just so stereotypically not interested in medical care going to the doctor? Looking at things or taking their medicine or being compliant with something that they may need, you know, Old Guy, maybe he’s got high cholesterol or high blood pressure and he’s not really good or he’s type to. What in the world is the reason for that, would you say?

    01:18:57:10 – 01:20:51:23
    Tanner Smith
    I think there’s a pride aspect involved with that. You know, men like to take care of themselves and take care of their family and everyone else. And so it’s like, you know, maybe it’s a humbling experience to say, Well, I’ve got to go get help from somebody else. And you know, I’m a medical provider and. Even for me to keep up with seeing the doctor, I mean, my wife and I have made it a goal that we’re going to see the doctor once a year. I mean, that’s what our insurance covers. So we’re like, you know, we should at least do that at the minimum, right? Right. So we do that once a year and we get our routine blood tests and. I have hypothyroidism, so I have to take so I have to take levothyroxine, it was just one of those weird things that, you know, my my doctor decided to run some blood tests and he was like, Hey, guess what? Your thyroid is a little bit low. So we kind of watched it for a watch for a while and it was continued being, you know, low and so like, well, nothing you can do about that, but take a pill unfortunately, there’s not like a reverse on on hypothyroidism. I wish there was. But you know, taking one pill a day is it’s a lot of work. It really is like for someone that doesn’t take pills like one pill. A day is a lot of work, and it’s easy to forget taking that one time dose. So I think about a lot of these patients that I have in there, like on multiple medications. I’m like, I just can’t imagine the the stress of having to remember all of these medications. And so going back to the importance of a doctor, I mean, I think it is very important to go see a doctor because it’s kind of like taking your car in for an oil change. Like we all need to see somebody that can kind of look at us from a different angle and say, You know what you need, you know, a couple of little tweaks here and there. And if you can keep up with those and you know you’re going to keep yourself out of the auto body shop or, you know, getting some major overhaul down the road.

    01:20:52:06 – 01:21:36:07
    Tanner Smith
    So I think a pride thing is the big part. I mean, and there’s probably a fear aspect to, you know, it’s like, I don’t want to go to the doctor and find out that I actually do have problems that I got to deal with, too. So I mean, I think there’s a lot of things that keep people out. But honestly, if you think about it as more of a maintenance kind of thing like we all need maintenance, our car needs maintenance and our bike needs maintenance, whatever it is, everything needs maintenance in at least a once in a once a year type of thing, I think is is pretty reasonable to do and getting some routine blood tests because honestly, if you catch a lot of the medical conditions early on in life and you get started in the right direction, you can prevent much worse problems down the road.

    01:21:36:15 – 01:22:07:20
    Brad Singletary
    So interesting when you talk about the thyroid thing may. So my wife has had some challenges over the last few years, and most of that looked like psych shit. OK, so there was mood and anger and these different things, and she went to doctors, went to therapy, did some it took some antidepressants and different things, and none of that was working. She gets bloodwork. She got zero thyroid function. She starts on the levothyroxine or whatever that is and changed her world completely. Completely healthy, normal person. We have a happy life again.

    01:22:09:19 – 01:22:11:29
    Gavin Hillman
    It’s crazy, right? What medication? But you would you?

    01:22:12:00 – 01:22:50:26
    Brad Singletary
    She would have never known that that was even a thing. I mean, he would. Who even know? We did not know what even the thyroid it does. And so when she got some of that squared away, it’s amazing. And you would have never known without blood working. And that’s why all these different approaches will. Let’s try this or this is a spiritual problem, or, oh, this is because we’re not eating well. Let me let me change what I’m eating and all these different approaches. None of it worked till we got the chemistry right. And that’s that’s a great example there about the bloodwork. It’s important. So any thoughts on that about men and seeing doctors and going to the physical therapy or the whatever treatment they need and they refused to do it?

    01:22:51:03 – 01:23:46:24
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah. Well, I think it’s just priority, right? I mean, we got to at some point prioritize ourselves. You know, we’re always trying to take care of other things, taking care of our families, our jobs, things like that. And we neglect ourselves so much. And so being open and understanding and willing to take care of yourself on a health basis, making sure that you’re doing the things you need to do, go into the places you need to go, see the people, you need to see them, keep yourself healthy. You know, with men, I think we often time accept those stereotypes, right? I mean, for me, growing up, you saw Al Bundy sitting on the couch with his hands in his pants or Homer Simpson fat and lazy and just eating donuts all the time. And we see those things like, Oh, well, that’s how men are right. We’re we’re we’re naturally disgusting, sloppy, sloppy, unhealthy individuals or whatever the case may be. And it’s like, No, I mean, we we can be much more than that. And so understanding the our potential as as healthy individuals and then prioritizing that.

    01:23:47:14 – 01:25:26:22
    Brad Singletary
    When I think about something that motivates me for health, it’s I saw something one point it said, we need to live how we want our children to live. And I see certain things with my kids. My oldest is 18 now. You know, he’s he’s he’s got a little, got a little gut you know, and he’s kind of just doesn’t really have the healthiest of habits. And I think, how can I best motivate him is not going to be lecturing him. It’s not going to be telling him. I haven’t had enough of that cereal or whatever it is or don’t you want to get moving or it’s to show him and be an example and be a model of the thing that I want him to do because I want him to be happy hour. I’m long past being able to go to the go to the beach and take my shirt off. I haven’t swam in 15 years because of that. No, I’m just kidding. But I want him to be able to do. That I want him to be able to be attractive and have a good mate, and someone was talking to me about attractiveness and what’s attractive is the healthy human form. You know, that’s that’s what we find attractive is a person who’s healthy and when we’re not healthy, that’s you take any healthy human being and they’re going to be attractive. It’s like it’s wired into us to see other people. And when we see someone who’s attractive and if we could say healthy and say it’s the same thing, we also assume that that means they’re intelligent and capable and whatever. So there’s so many layers of our life that are affected by our physical health. Talk about supplements and stuff like that. So, you know, vitamins and. It’s things to add, in addition to just food. What are your thoughts on that stuff in general? Are there any dangers associated with that?

    01:25:27:22 – 01:27:59:04
    Tanner Smith
    Well, I mean, not being in the medical field and just, you know, being an athlete and things like that. Supplements are like, I’m always like, what edge can I find either perform better or recover from an injury faster or anything like that? And I and I’ll say that. The one supplement, if you are really going to take a supplement to enhance your well-being in some form, would be protein. And that doesn’t mean you have to go out and buy protein bars or protein powder. I mean, like Gavin was saying, you can just increase your protein by eating foods that are high in protein. But. Our body structure does kind of determine that to some extent and in our activity level in. I don’t know exact numbers, but I want to say it’s like somewhere between like 1.5 kg and two kilograms of weight per gram of protein per day or something like that. And the thing is is, you know, protein such a hyped thing. But the one of the things most people don’t understand about protein is our body can only metabolize so much protein at one sitting. So say, for example, I’m supposed to consume 90 grams of protein in a day. That doesn’t mean I need to go out and, you know, eat a 90 gram protein steak or whatever at one sitting. My body is going to take maybe around somewhere between 20 and 30 grams and actually utilize it the correct way. The other 60 grams are probably just going to go straight to my belly, like it’s not going to digest it and metabolize it the way that I’m intending to do that. So with every supplement, you have to really know how the body takes it in, metabolizes it, how it how it’s used all those things. So proteins good. It’s studied. Every athlete you know in the world probably has some formula of them getting the right amount of protein because it does actually work in in. In order to build muscle, you have to have protein. But, you know, supplements or whatever. I think if you’re supposed to be on a medication, you’d be surprised how many people come to the E.R. and it’s like he got diabetes or you got hypertension. When was the last time you took your medication? They’re not taking their medications for whatever reason. So maybe if you have one of those conditions just being compliant with your medication, taking it every day is one of your supplements. Do you really need to be on top of and that’s going to enhance your health overall just by being compliant with those medications.

    01:27:59:27 – 01:28:06:03
    Brad Singletary
    that’s awesome. Your thoughts on that kind of stuff supplementation, Gavin?

    01:28:06:13 – 01:29:14:06
    Gavin Hillman
    As with supplements, you know, they’re just the other supplements. So. So I would say, you know, I’ve talked to people or they become so reliant on supplements, you know, overreliance on them. Just remember that the majority of your nutrition can and will be met through your through your diet and and whatnot. But if you if you’re looking at supplements, I don’t use a whole lot of supplements like Tanner said. I do get, you know, the Costco protein shakes and I’ll have one of those at work because, you know, I’m busy and mid-morning. I need a quick snack. They’re they’re quick and easy, and so they do provide some convenience there and. But when you’re looking at, you know, you can get there, just so many supplements out there. I mean, it’s a multibillion dollar industry. And you can easily become over consumed with getting every single type of supplement out there thinking that you’re going to be more healthy or taking all of those and you don’t necessarily need to. I mean, I would say don’t become too overreliant or too hyper focused on supplements. You know, look at what you’re eating first. And if there’s things that you feel like you need to add in there, you know you can add them in there as you need it.

    01:29:15:04 – 01:29:38:27
    Brad Singletary
    I was taking a mouthful of gummies recently gummy the gummy vitamins and it was, you know, all these vitamin D and zinc and multivitamin, and I added up the sugar. It was like 30 grams of sugar for all these vitamins. Like, like eight teaspoons of sugar in my vitamins, like so. I probably need to get back to traditional vitamins. Maybe not so much of the gummies.

    01:29:38:27 – 01:29:55:15
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah, we took our kids to the dentist a little bit ago, and that’s one thing that our pediatric dentist asked. He’s like, Well, does he take or do they take vitamins because all the kid’s vitamins are gummy vitamins? He was like, Yeah, there’s so much sugar in those that because a lot of tooth decay.

    01:29:55:18 – 01:29:56:12
    Brad Singletary
    Oh my goodness.

    01:29:56:12 – 01:30:02:09
    Gavin Hillman
    You are giving your kids these vitamins, thinking you’re being healthy for them and just promoting the cavities and the writing of their teeth.

    01:30:02:22 – 01:30:25:08
    Brad Singletary
    Oh man. So what about rest guys, so sleep and just general risk? You’ve talked a little bit tanner about recovery and rest, you know, after a big race, you’ve just done 26 miles and things like that. But what about daily routines and with rest and sleep? And in that kind of thing, we talked about exercise diet. What about rest?

    01:30:25:15 – 01:31:18:02
    Gavin Hillman
    You need to rest, our body needs sleep, it needs recovery and it needs a you know, daily sleep, unfortunately, something I struggle with. I can I can go days where I just do not sleep well, and it can be super frustrating. And so for all those guys out there that say, Man, I have a hard time sleeping, like, I totally sympathize with that and understand that. But it is important we need to make rest again part of our healthy lifestyle. And if that means going out and getting a better mattress, like spend the money on a mattress, think of all the stupid things that we spend our money on it. A good mattress. The first several years of being married, we slept on futons and just garbage mattresses. And remember when I graduated, you know, from physical therapy, I said, that is going to be my gift to myself, and I went out and bought a nice.

    01:31:18:02 – 01:31:19:01
    Brad Singletary
    Nice mattress like a.

    01:31:19:01 – 01:31:41:08
    Gavin Hillman
    Proper yeah. And it made a world of difference, like it was super comfortable. And I do. I mean, I I slept better on that than I did with sleep and other stuff. So yeah, I mean, invest in a good mattress, invest in a good pillow. Be aware of your positioning at night. You know what’s going on because there’s a lot of those type of factors that you can tweak to help yourself to be able to sleep better.

    01:31:42:19 – 01:32:16:07
    Brad Singletary
    Wow. I would say just from mental health, that’s one of my first questions for people is like, tell me about your sleep, how much is sleeping? You stay asleep. Are you waking up a lot? It’s just critical with the mental health side of things. But so you’re talking about the bed itself. I mean, we spend a we’re supposed to spend a third of our lives in it, right? So it might as well be something that’s comfortable and promotes good sleep, even the pillow. And I’m just thinking of the typical guy, you know, who buys a pillow. He’s got his favorite pillow and he keeps it for 30 years. Like, you might need to be willing to take that stuff, isn’t it? Yeah. How about you, Tanner sleep?

    01:32:16:17 – 01:32:22:03
    Tanner Smith
    You know, you asked me about sleep, and honestly, I probably have some other worse sleep habits than anyone.

    01:32:23:00 – 01:32:23:29
    Brad Singletary
    The graveyard shift.

    01:32:23:29 – 01:34:27:22
    Tanner Smith
    Yeah, exactly. So, you know, half the week I’m sleeping during the day and the other half of the week I’m sleeping at night. So I have a very complicated sleep schedule, but. I think the only way that I’ve really been able to manage this, you know, half sleeping during the day I have sleeping during the week is I’ve found a way to make some kind of consistency. So whether I’m getting off an overnight shift. I get home in the morning. I try to go to sleep at the same time and wake up about the same time. And when I’m off of, you know, working for a couple of days and I’m trying to do a normal routine, I try to make it a habit of going to sleep at the same time, waking up at the same time, regardless of, you know, what went on that day or whatever. And I think the body has a clock that it follows and it’s like, Hey, it’s that time, let’s go to sleep when we live this crazy lifestyle. You know, we don’t really have a set time. You know, I think there’s a lot of people out that are like, Oh man, this show’s on tonight. I must stay up late and watch this show because it’s on, you know, and so they’re not following, you know, a consistent pattern day in day out of going to sleep at the same time because there’s all these other little factors that like early warning this, this is more important. So prioritize priority if you really prioritize your sleep and you make it a consistent pattern, I think that will really help you get better sleep and more meaningful sleep in. Part of the reason why I think that, you know, I can do what I do, whether that’s working night shifts or running races or whatever, is because I do put some priority into sleep. Like if you don’t give that to your body, then you can’t recover and you can’t be performing or doing things at that level. And I think I think sleep is really something that’s a problem for lots and lots of people. And that’s why, you know, there’s Starbucks on every corner. There’s there’s 1,000,000 different energy drinks is because people aren’t prioritizing sleep, and that’s because there’s so many cool things that you could be doing. Why would you want to sleep?

    01:34:27:22 – 01:34:28:10
    Brad Singletary
    Right, right?

    01:34:28:18 – 01:35:12:09
    Tanner Smith
    So let’s just do another energy drink or a little more coffee, and I’ll just keep going. Yeah. And that leads into other bad habits, too. I mean, you know, you’re up at Mill in the middle of the night when your body probably should be sleeping. And here you are. I’m like, Hey, I’m hungry, man, I just eat dinner like three or four hours ago. It’s time for another meal. So then you’re eating and then you’re like, Well, now I’m going to go to bed because it’s midnight and I’m tired, so. You’d be surprised if you if you could just get a really consistent sleep pattern, whether that’s sleep, if you have to work night shift and you sleep during the day or, you know, you don’t have to do that, then just being consistent, I think will really affect how good of quality of sleep you actually get because your body will recognize that pattern and it will be ready to go to bed when it’s time to go to bed.

    01:35:12:28 – 01:35:49:07
    Gavin Hillman
    And you talk about just rest and recovery. I mean, that’s not just sleep as well. I mean, it’s not good to exercise seven days a week. You know, our body needs some time to recover. So we’re talking about doing all these activities and stuff, and we got to remember it’s the recovery aspect is just as important to a proper training routine as as the training itself. And so realizing that that recovery doesn’t just have to be sleep, I mean, yes, we need to sleep like we talked about. But having some time of just resting, you know, whatever that resting looks like for you is going to be advantageous for you.

    01:35:50:06 – 01:36:18:19
    Brad Singletary
    That’s awesome. I got in that habit you were talking about Tanner of. So I would I’m drinking five Monster Energy drinks a day then that I’m so wired at night I couldn’t sleep, but then knowing I needed to sleep, I’m taking Benadryl at night so I could go to sleep. So then it. Then two wasn’t enough so that I was taking three Benadryl at night and then I was so groggy in the morning. Like, I have to get up and it’s like I have to function, and now I need to now I need caffeine. And it was just an insane level of just chasing this.

    01:36:19:00 – 01:36:21:11
    Gavin Hillman
    It’s a vicious cycle.

    01:36:21:11 – 01:37:03:02
    Brad Singletary
    So ugly, man. And whenever I have had some injuries with activity and stuff like that, a lot of that had to do with overdoing it, not resting after the event or whatever it was. And so rest is just so important. I want to wrap this up here, you guys. I really appreciate you being here, but I wonder if you could just close us out here with. The benefits of this kind of living outside of the physical, so your healthy guys, you look great, you’re running marathons and doing all these cool races and these events and you’re able to show up. Physically and do the things that you want to do. How do these principles help you in other areas of your life?

    01:37:04:19 – 01:39:29:08
    Tanner Smith
    I would say. Running or cycling, whatever it is, one of the big things is it’s an outlet for stress for me. Like, you know, working in the E.R. is a very stressful thing and I don’t think that’s the most stressful thing. I mean, whether it’s you’re stressed out because you know, your kids are crazy and whining and whatever. You know, you’ve got other things going on that are stressing you out. I love just being able to say, You know what? I’m going to go out for a six mile run, leave my phone at home. I can’t take any music, and I’m just going to think and reflect and, you know, clear my mind and just, you know, get away from everything. And and and that’s what I think that’s probably one of the motivators, too, that keeps me doing this on a regular basis. It’s my like alone moment. I think everybody probably needs some alone moment, and I’ve just turned that alone moment into my like, you know, exercise routine, I guess you could say, but it’s an outlet for stress, and it’s proven that exercise does relieve stress, too. So I mean, I think there’s a lot of benefits in that. But, you know, not even just that being part of a running community or cycling community, you know, the camaraderie that’s part of that. And, you know, meeting people and socializing. And then you meet people that have the same goals as you and the next thing you know, you’re falling on following them on Instagram or Facebook, and they’re motivating you because they’re running and you’re like, Oh, honey, do you know, sign up for this race and do with them because I want to see him again or, you know, and and I try to tell people that, you know, can I run fast? Yeah, I mean, I think I can run fast. There’s people that are much faster than me, but running, you know? Trying to get people out to go run isn’t necessarily about, hey, I’m trying to get you to run as fast as me or whatever, I think just getting people out and saying, Hey, let’s go hang out for a minute. You know, if we decide we want to kind of go at a different pace, that’s great. But hey, we met up. We talked, we exchanged a few words. We got to socialize for a bit and do something we wouldn’t have probably done otherwise, but we had a reason to meet up.So I think the social aspect of it is is meaningful and people need to socialize. I think that’s one thing that COVID has proven is, you know, how many people are like I haven’t seen my friend in years or can’t do this anymore because of COVID. So getting out and just meeting up and socializing is an important interaction that we have to have in life.

    01:39:30:10 – 01:40:11:19
    Brad Singletary
    Dude, there’s so much there. You’re talking about stress relief, some solitude when you were saying you’re stressed because your kids are crazy and screaming. And remember, he’s my two doors down neighbor. He’s probably heard that at my house. But yeah, you get away. Nobody wants to hang out with you when you’re running. So it’s a way to get away from everybody. But in addition to solitude, also socializing, doing this with other people, accountability you mentioned, I’m guessing you get contacts all over the world because of running, right? You know, I mean, you’re meeting with people at these races in different parts of the country. And how about you, Gavin? What in addition to the health benefits? What other positives do you see coming out of trying to live this way?

    01:40:11:28 – 01:42:05:05
    Gavin Hillman
    Well, it’s a piece of the puzzle. I mean, like I said, I mean, science has shown the studies have shown improved mental health. It reduces depression and it improves your sex life. It improves your relationships. It decreases your chance for so many different diseases and dysfunctions and things like that. And so it’s an important part of that puzzle for me of trying to live a well-rounded life. And so for me, it’s just, you know, it’s it’s something that, like I said, I’m a I’m a guy routine and so it’s been part of my life since I was a teenager. And it’s something that I’ll continue to have it a part of my life because I do believe in it and I believe that it’s it’s help me be successful in other ways. And it’s just nice, you know, when I go into a room with a patient and before I even introduce myself, they say, Oh, you must be the physical therapist. All right, I mean, it feels good to know that I look the part of my profession and then knowing like, you know, being a father, you know, I have that influence on my kids, you know, like that. I know that I’m modeling the behavior that that I believe will help them as they’re growing. And they can see, Hey, Dad got up early and did this, and I remember dad eating this or that, you know, you know, talking to us about what what we should do or shouldn’t do. You know, and I think that’s important, you know, as as men, we need to be good fathers. And that to me, that’s a that’s an important aspect of of my fatherhood with my kids. And so, you know, you ask, what else does it do? It’s just it’s a part of that, that full puzzle of trying to be an all around alpha guy and being a good guy and being a productive individual.

    01:42:06:02 – 01:43:52:00
    Brad Singletary
    You mentioned mental health. I was thinking about this the other day. It makes me want to research it a little bit, but. Somebody was talking about how so much of depression and anxiety the onset of that is in adolescence, and I’m thinking what else correlates with that? We think about that is the hormonal changes and whatever comes along with teens. But I think another correlating factor is that’s when you stop running and playing. So one of the parts that my kids go to Anthem Hills. It’s right by middle school. And when my kids are there, they’re running 100% of the time. They’re they’re running around in the park. So the kids get out of the middle school and they come over and they’re just kind of standing around right there standing around chitchat. They’re not doing the things that they did in elementary school and when they were younger. And it’s fascinating to me to think about that. Just maybe this week occurred to me that so many of our problems begin when we stop running and playing. And I know this is serious business for you. When you’re paying money and traveling the country to go in a race and all this stuff, you’re it’s an investment in your health and whatever. But it’s also clear you’re not doing this if you’re not having fun with it. And my guess is mentally and with your own stress and so forth. Also, the sexual benefits of that. I can say this because I was and I’m still obese. I was once I think they would call it super morbidly obese. But yeah, when I see someone like that, I’m thinking, Oh, this poor dude. You get no booty. And if he does it for sure. It’s quite awkward. And so yes, man, you get healthier and you have some discipline over your body and you can get some control and feel better and have some stamina that helps in your job and that helps in the bedroom.

    01:43:52:00 – 01:45:17:08
    Brad Singletary
    And that helps with your stress and with your families, you guys, I’m just very impressed, not just for what you’ve talked about here. I’ve watched you over the last five or six years. We actually go to church together in the same neighborhood congregation here, and I’ve seen their families have watched their kids, their wives are smoking hot, their kids are well-behaved, they’ve got cool dogs and nice homes. And they have they’re taking care of their business the best that I believe that they can. And it’s it’s. To know that my kids can see these, see these kinds of people and grow up with with them. It’s it’s just it feels like an honor too and then have you come into my, my space here, my office and share some of that. I really appreciate it. I don’t have any right now because I’m getting them printed, but I’m going to get you a shirt or a hat or something order, to remember this, and maybe I’ll have you back in the future for other things of your adventures and things that you might share when somebody comes here and they kill it and totally like, I don’t have to edit one thing. This has kind of been kind of nice because you’re so articulate and you speak so well and you have so many good things to say and you’re an example of it. I sometimes think I speak well, but I’m not doing some of the sh*t that I’m supposed to be doing. You guys are out there getting it done, and so maybe I’ll invite you back at some point in the future and have your, you know, regular part of this, if you’d like to.

    01:45:17:08 – 01:45:18:09
    Gavin Hillman
    Yeah this is fun.

    01:45:18:27 – 01:46:45:23
    Brad Singletary
    Really appreciate it. Tanner, Gavin, you guys are studs. I love that your friends. I see, I see you’re hanging out and I see neighbors stopping by. And it just it’s like, you’re not just healthy physically. You seem to be healthy socially and spiritually in so many ways. So pleased to just know you and to get to know you even better here today. And thank you for being here, you guys. We’re talking about this because if you’re going to be a leader, if you’re going to have life and create life and preserve life, you’ve got to do that with yourself and it starts with your body. Some of these things I definitely need to implement, and this is a good time of year to be reflecting on your choices on your physical health. I promise you it will affect your relationships, your productivity at work, your spirituality. Tell me that you’re not at mile 25 and there’s something spiritual may be happening or that you’ve completed some difficult thing. You’ve gone through this training regimen. Tell me that it’s not spiritual in some form. Tell me that you know this doesn’t benefit your family life and your in your marriage and your ability to focus and just the pride that you come out of that it’s it’s impressive and I look forward to. Doing some of this myself, you’ve you’ve given me some ideas about things that I might need to do and so appreciate you being here with this, guys. No excuses. Alpha Up.

    01:46:46:13 – 01:46:50:11
    Speaker
    Gentlemen, you are the alpha and this is the Alpha Quorum.

    01:46:56:14 – 01:46:57:11
    Brad Singletary
    That was killer.

     

     

     

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    081: NO MORE MR. SOFT GUY with Steve Edwards and Kevin O’Neil

    081: NO MORE MR. SOFT GUY with Steve Edwards and Kevin O’Neil

    081: NO MORE MR. SOFT GUY with Steve Edwards and Kevin O’Neil

    In some colorful and humorous yet insightful commentary, gangster BFF’s Steve Edwards and Kevin O’Neil continue the discussion on the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. They discuss the societal shifts that happened decades ago to create a generation of men with Nice Guy Syndrome. They outline ways to get away from these self-destructive behaviors which are deceptively (and sometimes unconsciously) cloaked in “nice” behavior which becomes super-unfulfilling forms of manipulation where everyone ends up miserable. They get a little rowdy with their riffing banter and ball-busting and demonstrate through their charming camaraderie what it looks like to have a stimulating friendship with a dude. **These are adult conversations meant for adults only.

    TOPICS DISCUSSED:

    Attributes of a Nice Guy
    The Covert Contract
    Relationship Issues
    RECOMMENDED BOOKS:

    The Way of Men by Jack Donovan
    The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
    Sell Or Be Sold: How to Get Your Way in Business and in Life by Grant Cardone
    The 10X Rule: The Only Difference Between Success and Failure by Grant Cardone
    The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday
    Own the Day, Own Your Life: Optimized Practices for Waking, Working, Learning, Eating, Training, Playing, Sleeping, and Sex by Aubrey Marcus
    Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds by David Goggins
    Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield
    The Success Principles: How to Get from where You are to where You Want to be by Jack Canfield

     

    LINKS:

    https://www.aamp.agency/

    Water Sport Excursions and Rentals in Florida

    https://www.watersportpodcast.com/

    https://the-podcast.aamp.agency/

    https://www.vegasjeeptours.com/

    OTHER RELATED LINKS:

    https://andyfrisella.com/

    FULL TRANSCRIPT
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    080: NICE GUY SYNDROME with Steve Edwards

    080: NICE GUY SYNDROME with Steve Edwards

    080: NICE GUY SYNDROME with Steve Edwards

    If you’re like most dudes, no one taught you how to be a man. Instead, you’ve probably been taught pretty much the opposite. So many personal influences in our lives: our parents, our peers, and society has conditioned us to be obedient rather than strong. We’ve been taught to be a good boy, follow the rules, not be rude and these ideas have been forcibly injected in our heads since we were able to speak. The problem is it doesn’t work and is hardly ever in our best interests. These messages manipulate us into being manageable and compliant, the standards of systems that are about control. Sometimes giving is not right. Sometimes sacrificing is wrong. Sometimes being nice damages us. Today we’re going to discuss the book No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover.

     
    Questions answered on this episode:
    1. What’s wrong with being a nice guy?
    2. What does it mean to be integrated?
    3. What’s the making of a Nice Guy?
    4. How do you please the person who matters the most?
    5. How do you prioritize your needs?
     
    What ways we can do to be integrated?
    • Be honest about your feelings, your interactions.
    • Quit being afraid of new experiences or what’s around you.
    • Learn to surrender what you can’t change.
    • Do what you want to do.
    • Learn how to get help.
    • Recognize that people are human.
    • Stop trying to be perfect.
    • Stop seeking approval.
    • Take care of your own needs with integrity.
    • Stop building such huge walls and let people in.
    • Don’t try to cover up or take attention away from your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid of your shortcomings.
    • Be aware or cognizant of your childhood events and some of the conditions or influences that led you to where you’re at today.
    • Set boundaries.
    • Be transparent about what you’re feeling about things.
    • Spend more time with men.
    • Recognize that women, they reject nice guys.
    • Learn to be more passionate, more assertive, more responsible.
    • Recognize that you don’t have to do everything right, or you’re allowed to be flawed.
    • Don’t let the fear of failure or the fear of success.
    • Go after the life you want, quit settling.
    • Make your own rules.
     
    FULL TRANSCRIPT

    Brad Singletary (00:00:00):
    If you’re like most dudes, no one taught you how to be a man. Instead, you’ve probably been taught pretty much the opposite. So many personal influences in our lives. Our parents, our peers and society has conditioned us to be obedient rather than strong. We’ve been taught to be a good boy, follow the rules, not be rude. And these ideas have been forcibly injected in our heads. Since we were able to speak the problem is it doesn’t work and is hardly ever in our best interests. These messages manipulate us into being manageable and compliant. The standards of systems that are about control sometimes giving is not right. Sometimes sacrificing is wrong. Sometimes being nice damages us. Today we’re going to discuss the book No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover.

    Intro (00:01:06):
    If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better. You are in the right place. You are responsible. You are strong, you are a leader. You are a force for good. Gentlemen, you are the Alpha, and this is the Alpha Quorum.

    Brad Singletary (00:01:30):
    Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum Show. Brad Singletary here. I’m really excited about this episode. This is episode number 80. I can’t believe that we’ve come this far. It’s been over three years now and it’s just exciting. The feedback that we get from all of you, thank you for what you’ve shared with us in the social media and the messages and emails and so forth that we’ve gotten. Our guest today has been an entrepreneur from his first business owning and operating a car stereo shop 20 years ago until today, right here in Las Vegas. Since then he’s owned a car dealership, a bar, a strip club, and currently owns a Jeep boat and jet ski rental company. A whole bunch of ATM machines as well as a marketing agency that works with tour and rental operators around the country. Steve Edwards is the dad of two boys, one in the air force and one who just recently enlisted in the Navy. Welcome, Steve. Appreciate you being here, brother.

    Steve Edwards (00:02:24):
    Hey, thank you so much for having me the episode 80. That’s pretty impressive. Yeah.

    Brad Singletary (00:02:28):
    Yeah. Well, I should mention here too, that you’re a podcaster yourself and you’ve done played with this a little bit and he’s teaching me how to get my mics and stuff dialed in a little bit better tonight. Appreciate that, man.

    Steve Edwards (00:02:41):
    This is fun. I love this stuff. This is great.

    Brad Singletary (00:02:42):
    Well, this topic seems to be something that you really are. How are you? How are you so familiar with this information? This is like your hobby horse of…

    Steve Edwards (00:02:55):
    This is my catalog. This is my book.

    Brad Singletary (00:02:59):
    So we want to talk about the book No More Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover as I’ve worked with men. And as I’ve figured some of my own out, I’ve realized that far too many of us are just too soft. I did a little survey recently on a private Facebook group, by the way, if you’re listening to us and you’re not a member of the Facebook group, check it out. It’s called the Alpha Quorum. It’s a private group on Facebook. No one can see that you’re there. What you post, unless they’re in the group.

    Steve Edwards (00:03:28):
    And you’ve got to be a man which helps.

    Brad Singletary (00:03:31):
    Yes, everyone there is male. We verify that. I guess we’re only looking at pictures and names, but we think we have a pretty good idea.

    Steve Edwards (00:03:37):
    I said, man, loosely, I guess you need to be a male. Probably a couple of not men, but there’s some definitely, everybody’s a male.

    Brad Singletary (00:03:47):
    You know, it’s funny. We have, I think 1% of our audience in there, it shows up is female. And I think it’s because you have, there’s a couple of guys who share their their Facebook accounts with their wives and maybe that’s where that comes from. But

    Steve Edwards (00:03:59):
    I mean, that could be its own podcast on its own. What does it mean when you start sharing your Facebook account with your significant other?

    Brad Singletary (00:04:06):
    That’s being a little bit too nice. Maybe. Definitely. So No More Mr. Nice guy. What, what led me to this entire thing that I’m doing as I speak to men as I’m working with men in my practice is just noticing that men are either too hard or too soft, too nice or too difficult. And I read this book probably three or four years ago. It was it was recommended to me by Derek Johnson. We kind of started this whole thing together, Derek and I, and he showed me this book and told me that he himself was a nice guy and recovering nice guy. So Robert Glover is a therapist and he recognizes some of the patterns that he talks about in the book, recognize that in himself. And he describes a little bit about how that has harmed his harmed his relationships. And he’s teaching this to other men so that we can get ahold of ourselves and get our balls back basically.

    Brad Singletary (00:05:03):
    So we want to review a little bit about this content. We’re going to talk about just nice guy syndrome, what it is, how we become this nice guy, learning to please the person who matters most making your own needs a priority, reclaiming your personal power, your masculinity, and more about getting the love and the sex and the life that you want. Those are basically the chapters of his book. Start us off on a high level here. Steve, what, what is this about and what do you recognize in general? We’ll hit some specific bullet points later, but sure. You know, plenty of guys who behave this way, they’ve surrendered their masculinity itself to the system, to their spouse, to their parents or whomever. They’ve given that up to what do you notice?

    Steve Edwards (00:05:51):
    I even think that this isn’t even something that I need to kick down the road. You know, this is something that I can take full ownership of as I was as nice of a guy as you could possibly meet the nicest guy. And you know, when you start seeing some of the traits that represent being a nice guy, you know, at surface level, they sound like really admirable traits. Like you’re a nice guy. You’re willing to, you know, do things for others. You want to fix problems. You are a giver. You you know, you are seek, you seek the approval of others. When you say these at surface level, these sound like great, wonderful things that you would want out of a guy. Yeah.

    Brad Singletary (00:06:33):
    This is the dream husband you’re talking about.

    Steve Edwards (00:06:35):
    Absolutely. But what ends up happening is you end up with a guy with no backbone. You end up with a guy that can’t deliver on his promises because he is incapable of it because he’s living a lie. He’s not happy. Most of this is all self-deprecating behavior because they’re not serving themselves first. They’re not taking care of their own wants and needs. And yeah, they end up in a really tough spot.

    Brad Singletary (00:07:03):
    Yeah. They, everything they’re doing is really calculated to try to gain approval or avoid disapproval. So we’re always trying to do the right thing so that, you know, nothing is ever hard for anyone. We want to protect everyone. Else’s feelings, repress our own. Of course. Yes. That’s so unhealthy.

    Steve Edwards (00:07:23):
    I’m healthy because you know, I was like to take this back as if any of you guys have ever did it. And every, every guide knows this, that women love a bad boy. Right. Right. and we see it in media. We see it in everyday life and you never really understood the why. Why do they go after the bad boy? Well, because there’s an edge because they, they appear to be a man. They have this backbone, this, this spark about them that feels alive. And when you start looking at a lot of nice guy behaviors, you know, the, this idea of not being able to stand up on your own feet, it’s almost like codependent in its own way. Totally. But they’re not, they’re not fulfilling their own wants, needs and desires because they’re so busy worrying about everybody. Else’s

    Brad Singletary (00:08:14):
    And the hope, why, why is that? What is the hope in trying to please everyone? What are they trying to gain from that?

    Steve Edwards (00:08:20):
    So the term, and I mean, we’re kind of like without jumping too far ahead, but the term is it is a covert contract. Most of everything done as a nice guy is done with the idea that you will receive something in return. The easiest way or the, you know, the dumbest way to explain this in a guide type of mentality is, you know, the time you did the dishes or you did the laundry in order to have sex,

    Brad Singletary (00:08:47):
    Hey babe, I changed the light bulbs. You think we could have some alone time now, a hundred percent, but this covert. So that means we’re not really, this is, that would be even better. That’s what the bad boy move is like, Hey, I changed the light bulbs. I did the dishes now let’s get naked.

    Steve Edwards (00:09:03):
    Yeah. But that doesn’t even express that it’s not even said what it, what it’s done is it’s almost like, I think every old person under the sun has always said it, you know, what does assuming mean? It makes an out of you and me. Right. And, and it’s that, it’s a game. It’s mental gymnastics. It’s I’m going to do all these things, right. I’m going to, I’m going to vacuum and I’m going to dump a dishwasher and I’m gonna, you know, I’m going to take care of the kids. Like, and they expect that the sex would be reciprocated. Now this has done in a million other things. This is just the easiest one. And probably the biggest miss for guys is because, you know, as you being a therapist and talking to a lot of men, what do men complain about? Hey, I’m, I’m married and my wife doesn’t put out.

    Brad Singletary (00:09:53):
    We have a great relationship except we never touch each other.

    Steve Edwards (00:09:56):
    Yeah. Because I’m, she’s absolutely disgusted by me. Sounds awesome.

    Brad Singletary (00:10:00):
    Well, she’s probably not disgusted by your beer gut. She’s probably not disgusted by your morning breath. She’s probably disgusted that you’ve emasculated yourself and you’ve given your handed your balls away to someone or to her maybe. And you’re, you’re not making your own needs a priority. I probably used to say this kind of thing about you’re the center of my world. You’re everything to me in that kind of stuff. When I hear that now, or I see that anywhere, I just cringe and I go, oh, please do don’t. Don’t don’t, don’t, don’t be like that because that’s not going to work out very well. And women are not very interested actually in being the center of your world. If you’re the, if they are the center of your world, that means your world isn’t very freaking exciting. I’m going to lose respect for you, man. They just, they’re not going to have much interest in you. And it doesn’t matter how you look or how much money you have. If you’re overly focused on making your partner happy, none of you are going to be happy.

    Steve Edwards (00:11:00):
    And I think the, as we dig into it here a little bit more, it’s not necessarily the idea of doing a nice thing with, you know, something expected in return. It’s all the other actions that lead up to it. It’s, it’s basically all the steps that have turned you into a nice guy that have made you a disgusting human to your, to your wife, to your significant, other to the female gender, you know, to females in general, you know, in order to be a nice guy in order to protect everybody from everything, you have to be dishonest, you’ve gotta lie. You’ve got to, you know, you can’t be fully transparent because there’s things in life that if you’re totally honest about them, they’re going to hurt somebody’s feelings.

    Brad Singletary (00:11:43):
    You’re making me think of a, what was that movie? Old School Will Ferrell and they’re in, they go to therapy and they’re like, oh, we’re in the trust tree. We’re in the trust tree. You know, you can say anything, go ahead, open yourself up. And he’s like, oh, I’m imagining what kind of panties you’re wearing to the hot female therapist. And he gets in trouble. And he said, wait a minute. I thought this was, I thought we were in the trust tree. I thought this was safe.

    Steve Edwards (00:12:04):
    Nope. That’s a great example because guys, guys are so scared to be honest, but you know, because it sounds bad. Nobody wants to be labeled a predator, but guys are certainly more animalistic than women. They definitely think with their wrong head most of the time, and guys are very simple in the fact that like they would trade out a lot of things in order to have sex. I mean, if they could make those contracts, Hey, all dumped a dishwasher for sex. I will run 12 laps around the block for sex. And that’s where it all goes wrong because guys end up running with the wrong brain and they make decisions. And basically the rest of their life is basically decided by these horrible decisions.

    Brad Singletary (00:12:54):
    Yeah. They’ve got to hide the evidence of their weaknesses. They’ve got to hide their feelings. They’re, they’re loaded with secrets. They’re trying to like be, you’ve mentioned dishonesty. They’re like compartmentalizing, everything.

    Steve Edwards (00:13:06):
    Manipulation is a big one. You know, again, it’s like using a different term for the same type of thing. But if you’re lying, you’re probably manipulating situations. You’re telling half-truths I was a liar. That was my thing. I like to lie lying was my drug. It was like, you know, if I could just tell a little white lie to protect my own, to, you know, ease the situation. And you know, as everybody’s aware, your lie, catch up to you, your lies bite you in the. And that, that was my, that was my game.

    Brad Singletary (00:13:38):
    That never, ever, ever plays out well. And it actually causes the thing that we’re trying to avoid. So why do we lie? Why do we manipulate is because we don’t want to lose the other person. We’re just terrified of abandonment, which is a theme that runs throughout this book is we’re so afraid of being abandoned. We’re afraid that if we show any need or have any of our own wants, or we want to go fishing or go on a guys trip or do any of those things that we’re going to be seen as selfish and therefore abandoned. But then we lie in compartmentalize and we’re dishonest. And we have this like covert control, this covert contract stuff that we do. And we ended up losing respect anyway, they become disgusted by that anyway. And we would probably, you know what, man, I’ve heard women here in my office, let’s say, they’re dealing with an affair. The man’s had an affair. Yeah. In 100% of the time she doesn’t obsess about what the, you know, what the girl looked like or how good the sex was or what did he say to her? What she’s hurt by is the dishonesty. And he’s dishonest because he’s afraid of what would happen if she were to find out. So yeah, tons of manipulation and all this is really, there’s a lot passive aggression that goes along with this stuff.

    Steve Edwards (00:14:53):
    Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, there’s a million different little pieces of this that I think every guy to some degree can look in the mirror and start unpacking some of these characteristics, some of these behaviors. I mean, I don’t know a single guy that I know that hasn’t made a covert contract about something or that, you know, is a hundred percent honest all the time. That’s totally transparent. Cause I mean, even now, even even saying that I’m, you know, a recovering nice guy, this idea of like complete transparency and total honesty is frightening as hell. Yeah. It is. I’m not saying that, you know, it isn’t the right direction and it it’s hard. But the, the other side of it is also very, very challenging. This idea of like lying your way out of situations, lying to, you know, controlling the situation.

    Steve Edwards (00:15:48):
    I’m, I’m, I’m a controlling guy. I’ve been the boss for a long time. Probably, you know, you take those Myers-Briggs tests. It comes back I’m, I’m a manager type. I am the boss type. So to remove controlling feelings and controlling situations and letting situation, you know, letting situations play out. I remember in a previous relationships, you know they, she would have had a disagreement at work or an argument at, with friends or something like that. All I wanted to do was fix it, or I wanted to take the edge off. I wanted to do anything to create less friction and just trying to remove all the friction from everything that, you know, I think every, what else have we always heard? Like, we don’t want you to solve the problem. We just want you to listen to us. Well, I think all the guys are fixers.

    Brad Singletary (00:16:44):
    It’s kind of in our nature a little bit.

    Steve Edwards (00:16:45):
    We’re built to fix it.

    Brad Singletary (00:16:46):
    One of the things he, one of the things he mentions in the book is that a lot of these nice guys are even attracted to people that they can try to fix protracted to the broken person. Codependency was a term that you used before. Maybe this is maybe this guy has made a multi-million dollar fortune right in this book. And he’s really just describing codependency. I don’t know, but it seems like a lot of those things are common things. Another negative about being a nice guys that we’re swinging back and forth for being nice and not nice. So these guys aren’t always necessarily, you know, nice. And the doormats, sometimes we, we, we let all that stuff build up and it turns into like explosive anger and those kinds of things you ever go to a domestic violence class and the room was full of nice guys.

    Steve Edwards (00:17:32):
    Yeah. I mean, that’s, you know, I had to had a Google it, but you know, it’s like a narcissistic style of behavior and, and it it’s because it’s so self-serving, and it’s really only built for the interest of the nice guy and not the party around it. It’s like this exchange of, of feeling like you’re going to continue to do these things in exchange. I want to feel a certain way. I want a certain reaction. I want a certain amount of touch or whatever it might be that you’re never left fulfilled. There’s never a fulfillment of like, wow, that worked out. I feel great about it. I should continue to do this. In fact, it’s the exact opposite where you’re constantly left disappointed and that disappointment builds up to resentment and resentment as you’re well aware, you know, in therapy is what ruins relationships guys are just begging for any amount of intimacy, any amount of affection from their significant other. And she’s pulling away even harder because all she’s seeing is the. She’s seeing the lying. She’s seeing the controlling manipulative guy that, yeah, maybe he dumped the dishwasher. Maybe he did this, but then he’s also yelling at me about, about not contributing about not helping about not being an equal member of the, of the family. And it’s like this weird tug of war with yourself, the only person you’re fighting with is yourself.

    Brad Singletary (00:18:58):
    Yeah. So there’s a lot of sexual problems with this guy. He’s usually extremely dissatisfied. There’s some often sexual dysfunction. So like erectile dysfunction, there’s like inability to orgasm. There’s all kinds of different things that go along with that. Maybe they’ve acted out sexually. Maybe they’re addicted. They have some sexual compulsion. There’s a lot of this is focused around sex. And he talks later in the book, he talks about one of the things that nice guys do is that they settle for bad sex. So they’re settling, always perpetually unhappy with that. Either not able to improve it, recognize their role in it, but you know, the bad boy, he’s not getting a lot of bad. He doesn’t have, he doesn’t have that. And it’s like, what is it about why is that?

    Steve Edwards (00:19:49):
    Well, because I think, again, not to dumb guys down to just three things, but you know, food, sleeping, sex, but you know, guys are hunters by nature and they definitely are seeking. They’re seeking that sexual relationship. Do they want more than that? Absolutely. A hundred percent. There’s certainly far more to guys than just food, sleeping, sex, but guys are certainly more driven to go get sex. And where I think the word falls apart is when you look at like porn of today, you know, porn on its own is like a next level thing where it’s not even like normal porn anymore. Like who even knew that everybody wanted to just have sex with her steps. I mean, who do that was like the hottest,

    Brad Singletary (00:20:35):
    Is that what they’re talking about now? I guess I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know

    Steve Edwards (00:20:40):
    No idea, never over what PornHub is like the top fifth or sixth visited the site on the internet. I had no idea. I don’t even know what goes on there. Yes. You know, so the perversion level of like what is even being presented, it’s not even normal consensual sex, like what you’re used to or what normal people, I guess, would be seeking. They’re being exposed to something that isn’t even realistic. So they’re going home or they’re bringing that vibe. If you want to call it to their significant other. And you know, they’re not living up to it. Like everything else in their life, they’re not living up to it. It’s basically a constant feeling of disappointment and the lacking, because you’re not having the sex you want, you don’t have the relationship you want, you know, you’re not getting sex enough or up to the standards that you would want. Your wife has constantly mad at you. It’s this constant letdown. And all it does is build up into a huge, huge fight. And that’s where most of these guys go wrong. And that’s where they end up with domestic violence. That’s where they end up in cheating. That’s where the whole thing starts by alert, spiraling out of control.

    Brad Singletary (00:21:50):
    Yeah. So like relationship problems, this stuff, you know, goes into careers and people are unfulfilled in their careers and not living up to their potential. But usually when a guy comes to see me here, they’re, they’re coming in talking about their relationship and yes, they may have depression or anxiety. They may have anger or whatever at their core of what I see an 80% of the men that I, that come here, they got nice guy syndrome going on. And by the way, you’ve kind of acknowledged that I got to say that to myself. If you go back to episode one of this show, I talk about that, that in my first marriage, I was a little bit controlling, a little bit pushy and a little bit demanding and so forth. And in my current marriage, I tried to correct that by being super accommodating and turned into the nice guy and that didn’t work either.

    Brad Singletary (00:22:37):
    So we’ve been going at this 10 or 11 years now, 11 years. And we finally figured some of this out, but it took me. And I guess if she’s listening to this show, maybe she’ll comment in the, in the social media, whether or not this is true, but I feel like I did. And I have a had to just take, get my balls back. Yeah. I want to skip the part about being integrated. I want to come back to that later, but the working paradigm of the nice guys is this, if I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved. Then I will get my needs met. Then I can have a problem free life. But even when, even though this is effective, they only see one option is to try harder. So we just keep trying. We just keep doing more and more nice things. I hear it all the time, man. I bought her a $12,000 ring for our 12th anniversary. I did all this stuff. I had all these things and made these special trips. And I did all this thing in my I’m just orbiting around her as the center of the universe. It never seems to pay off. I don’t understand it. Why is that?

    Steve Edwards (00:23:47):
    You know, you’ve got these guys coming into your office and at the point, a lot of the guys are coming into your office. I don’t want to be the cynical guy and say that it’s too late, but you’re definitely, you know, now you’re trying to really fix something that’s broken versus doing a lot of the maintenance work that is required to keep a relationship healthy. And they’re at this point because they’ve basically dropped the ball so far along the way. And you know, not that we, we can’t put any blame on, on women, but when a lot of like the problems that have, I’ve heard, I know you’ve heard that guys are dealing with the blame does come back to the guy because it is such nice guy behavior. So talking about like this idea of like exerting more, being more continuing to you’re going to keep pouring from an empty bucket, into her half full cup.

    Steve Edwards (00:24:42):
    Right? And you’re trying to fulfill the marriage in ways that are not what she’s asking. So it’s like you even brought up the example of like buy a new car, buy this pay. I can fully admit I’m the guy that always reverts to solve it with money. Well, that doesn’t solve most problems. I mean, it doesn’t solve most relationship problems. You know, your wife has an asking for you to buy her a new bag, to keep her happy. She is asking for you to participate in the relationship, participate in your kids’ lives. Be a good, be a good partner, be a good father, be present, show up. And unfortunately Louis Vuitton doesn’t sell any show up medicine. It’s always a very nice bag, but that doesn’t buy love.

    Brad Singletary (00:25:31):
    They need you to be a bad-ass that probably has nothing to do with them. You’re not going to wash dishes enough. You’re not going to do these household things enough. It’s not how many diapers you changed. You know, we still need to do those things, but we lose ourselves in the process. When I look at someone who’s divorcing, I ask and I’ve been there before. And so I know that feeling personally, I ask, well, how do you feel about yourself, your own individual kind of walk in life. How are you doing with your own journey? They always say, I’ve lost myself. I don’t even know who I am.

    Steve Edwards (00:26:05):
    So to touch on that because I got a little left of center of where I wanted to go on this. But you know, the biggest mistake I see is that guys have lost all touch with other guys. Guys don’t have hobbies. They don’t have real male friends. And they don’t. That’s the sort of stuff that keeps you at guy. I don’t want to, you’re not probably needing to go out grunting out in the woods and like burning pallets and stuff like that. And like just screaming from the mountain tops that I am man, but you need male testosterone around you. You need guy friends, you need to, you need have hobbies that are not including of her. You know, you need a life that does not fully encompass her in it. And that’s hard for a lot of guys to hear. You know, that’s hard for a lot of guys that have been in long marriages, 15, 20 years, they’ve lost connections with their wife or I’m sorry with their friends, their only friend is their wife. You know, they’re sitting around saying my best friend is my wife. My, you know, and that’s great. That sounds super sweet, but it’s also kind of scary because if your best friend is your wife, what happens when that don’t work?

    Brad Singletary (00:27:18):
    Yeah. It seems like the passion fades on, on those kinds of relationships. And that may be a great friendship. That’s good for you, bro. You got a good friend, but are you getting any bl*wjobs?

    Steve Edwards (00:27:29):
    It’s true. You know, I can already hear the pushback of like, well, don’t you want to be friends with your wife a hundred percent. You definitely want to be friends with your wife. And, but there was a different friendship. I don’t care how close to your wife you are. You have a different conversation with your guy, friends than you do with your wife. And I think that element of, you know, getting out and shooting guns or riding UTVs or going out, being out on the water, going hunting shooting pool, working on cars, any sort of thing that you can do where you get some male testosterone, you have like real male friends and quite honestly open up, start talking like guys are so terrified of like exposing themselves in any sort of weakness. And yet they’re at home just weak as hell, just soft as can be. But God forbid, they let another guy actually know that they’re hurting. That they’re struggling, that they’re going through anything because you know, the machismo is just pouring out of them except at home where it matters.

    Brad Singletary (00:28:35):
    I asked guys sometimes to draw like a pie chart, draw a circle and divide this pie into the things that you think about the things that you spend your time in time on your concerns in life. And when a guy shows me, you know, it’s, he’s got 70% of his pie chart is his woman. I can already tell. He’s not very happy. He’s not very fulfilled. And, and I just pulled this number out of thin air. But you know, one thing I say is like, what if she was 20% of your life? What if she was a 25% of your life? And maybe the biggest portion, maybe the biggest percentage of that pie of your time and your focus and your energy. But what if you throw some other things in there you need to have beyond the bowling team, you need to go on a golf league. You know, there’s gotta be some kind of connection to life outside of her and your home.

    Steve Edwards (00:29:25):
    Well, I also, you know, this is a metric that I’ve taken into account is that unless you actually have the five phone numbers to somebody you could call right now and ask them connect, come stay at your house. I need a friend. And maybe that’s even too big of an ask. Do you have five friends that you can call right now and go have a beer with, you know, or go talk to or go stand in their driveway and shoot the. Do you have five people you can do that with? And my guess is it’s like 97% say, no, it sits. They’re being real. It’s, it’s a no,

    Brad Singletary (00:29:59):
    It’s so wild. That we’re the biggest like consequence of being a nice guys, that you have terrible relationships with women, your romantic relationships are suffering, but the remedy, the cause and the remedy have nothing to do with that woman or that relationship or how you look. It has nothing to do with what’s within the relationship. So much of it has to do with what’s outside of it. There are some dynamics and some interactional things that cause problems. But let’s talk about the making of a nice guy for a minute. What, how do we, how did we become these weak dudes who are just so ultra nice and unhappy?

    Steve Edwards (00:30:40):
    Fifty, sixty years of being raised by women, your dad went to work. The, you know, the cleavers were the real thing. You know, dad went to work, mom stayed home. Mom raised you. Mom was your first girlfriend. Mom was your first love. Mom was everything. And you know, for a lot of guys is still everything I grew up. I was a mama’s boy. I’m not afraid to admit it. That’s the problem because there hasn’t been, you know, that idea of like being raised by men, going out with men, having that sort of like male testosterone around you, you’ve just, you’ve spent so much time around and being guided by women that you’ve lost a lot of that male edge. You’ve you’ve seen what your mom needs to be happy. You’ve seen like what the male energy looks like, or I’m sorry. The female energy looks like so strongly that it feels like you’re constantly like, man, I should fix this.

    Steve Edwards (00:31:37):
    I should be a nice guy. I should help out mom more. It’s like all these things that it becomes super unattractive to females. And some of this does go away when you’re dating. You know, when you’re dating, when you’re out hunting for the next girlfriend, there is that edge. You have to be witty. You’ve got to put, put yourself out there. You’ve got to, you know, you’ve got to lead with some testosterone and some masculinity because you’re a tiger and a group of other tigers. If you don’t, if you don’t attack somebody else’s gonna attack. If you don’t have some sort of push in you and that all goes out the window, the second that these guys become in a relationship that they, they find misses, right? They say, I love you immediately. They’re attached it’s codependent. And they’re just pouring themselves into this other person, which feels like the right thing to do, except they’re also pouring all the things that they need into this and not getting it in return.

    Brad Singletary (00:32:36):
    You mentioned being raised by women. Think about school teachers. So you’re home, mostly with mom, dad’s working late. He’s gone. Now another great example. One of the things that mentioned in the book is that most of these guys were, they either had absent fathers, avoidant, fathers, addicted, fathers, philandering fathers, angry fathers. And so part of it too, is that I want to be anything except like what my dad was. And then mom is trying to program us to like, don’t be that, be a nice boy. She needs you to be kind of her surrogate husband almost. That’s a whole another dynamic. That’s a whole another show. We’ll have to do at some point. But so we’re getting programmed by the schools. We’re getting programmed by in our own homes. Society just kind of wants to water down masculinity. I saw some stuff recently talking about the toxic masculinity idea and that the problem is not masculinity. The problem is the absence of masculinity. Jordan Peterson talks about, if you, if you think a strong man is dangerous, wait till you see what a weak man can do.

    Brad Singletary (00:33:38):
    If you can’t see that in our society right now, you know, the woke culture, the woke mob cancel culture. The second somebody doesn’t like something they’re, you know, they’re canceling everything and that’s, that’s its own separate topic. But if you don’t think that a correlates, not everybody’s a champion, not everybody can be a winner. Somebody is going to have to lose. Somebody’s going to have to learn a lesson. And I think it’s so prevalent today. I seen that pie chart, you know, where it goes around that circle of like weak man, strong man, you know, like I forget the four quadrants, but how it goes around. And yeah, I think, I feel like we’re in such a weird spot that like, it’s going to be very, very hard for somebody to break the culture of it. But I think at some you can recognize, recognize in your own house with your kids.

    Steve Edwards (00:34:28):
    I think it’s you, it’s something you can recognize as a man of like tendencies that you’re doing. And I I’ve recommended to everybody to read the book. The book is amazing. The book I feel like is a game changer. And the second, once you start reading it, you’re like, oh my God, I do that. I do that. Look at this. I do that. These are all like things that you can start seeing in yourself that you’re doing that have a huge difference in your overall happiness and wellbeing. And to the idea of like these teachers, these moms, all of this, you know, you can’t blame your mom for raising you the way she, you did. But at a certain point, the accountability of like why your relationships aren’t working. You do have to be able to look at a mirror and say, Hey, these are probably some of the negative traits that I’m presenting in this relationship. And if I can find out how to be a better version of myself, maybe I ended up with a better relationship.

    Brad Singletary (00:35:24):
    So I want to ask about something personal here. Tell me some of your worst, nice guy. Give me some stories.

    Steve Edwards (00:35:33):
    Oh man. I just, I was such a nice guy and I mean, I’m sure of my two ex-wives. They would love to chime in and pour into this bucket. But you know, I was, I was manipulative. That was definitely a good one. I was gaslighting king. I could Gaslight the out of a situation, you know, because, cause you don’t want to look in the mirror. You don’t want to take any ownership of it. So it was like, that’s why it’s on you. It’s not me. This is your feelings like this. And you know, I was, I, I think I wrote the chapter on the covert contract. I was the guy of like, oh, let me dump the dishwasher. Let me help with laundry. Oh, I’m going to vacuum. I’m going to do all this that you never asked me to do anyways. But I really expect some sex out of this at the end.

    Steve Edwards (00:36:19):
    And yes, I never got any sex. It was like, it was like, that was, it’s so dumb looking back on it because it all makes sense. It all makes sense. And now hindsight looking back, you know, this could have all been solved, you know, not happy to say it, but I have two divorces under my belt and the second one hit me pretty hard. The second one was rough. And when I’m looking at them now, I mean, I was as mad as I wanted to be at them. I, I have to take a lot of ownership. I was a pretty weak man. I was definitely not the best version of myself. I had every nice guy tendency that you could write and you know, and already led to resentment. It led to argument after argument about not having sex in our relationship, it led to fights about like, you know, doing stuff together or why isn’t this good enough? Why isn’t that good enough? And it makes for a miserable life

    Brad Singletary (00:37:19):
    For me, some of those things for sure, but to add to that, my own problems with this in relationships, I was kind of the simp, you know, I was like, I was writing poetry. I literally was just trying to be like, Mr, let me, let me do that for you. Let me do everything for you. Totally. The covert contract, like, man, let me just show you what a stud I am. And, and even, you know, I took pride in my, in my vulnerability. I could talk about my feelings. You know, I’m a sensitive guy and let me show you my sensitivity. Let me be this. Ah, it’s just disgust me now to think about it. And, and I, part of that was just it’s who I am. And I needed to kind of toughen up and get a backbone like you talked about, but also just not trying to show off. I mean, I remember one time I wrote this really long Facebook posts on my wife’s page just to like how wonderful and beautiful she is and all this stuff, bro. She deleted it. I’ve never done that again, man. I’ll I’ll, I’ll, I’ll be the guy who I would get her like I’ll buy a $7 card for Valentine’s day and put love you. He like, I can’t, I won’t even say, I love you. I’ll be saying love you, you know, not hard to draw the heart to heart and that’s it sign my name, you know, I’ll put B instead of Brad.

    Steve Edwards (00:38:41):
    So my biggest runaway with us, I didn’t actually discover this until I was going through the second divorce. So how mine actually sprung on me was like, it was, you know, we grew apart and I was really not playing the right cards. I was playing the game entirely wrong. And you know, when, when she was ready to call it and she wanted a separation and that’s where it started, all of a sudden I went into my F you know, fight or flight. And I did exactly that. I was like writing, like the longest, most heartfelt texts you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Like literally just total samp, total, oh my that’s disgusting. It’s like gross. I mean, I look back and I’m like, and that was some real pathetic behavior. And you know, all she wanted was space. She was like, Hey, I just need some time could not give her time.

    Steve Edwards (00:39:36):
    Time was like the most impossible thing. And if you anybody’s like Google, you start, they, they have a thing like 30 days of no contact. We’ll think about that for a second 30 days. Not talking to your significant other when she doesn’t like you and you’re trying to make up with her. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried in my life. But to that, I mean, there’s a lesson to be learned about that. I mean, the lesson is in the time it’s in this idea of like being so insecure in your own skin, that you’re not deserving of love, that you’re not deserving of happiness in your relationship. A lot of this book passes all the blame down to guys, and I’m a strong believer. Like I want to own my. I want to own it all the way through, you know, it’s way too hard to kick the can down the street to somebody else.

    Steve Edwards (00:40:27):
    But there is an element. It’s two people in a relationship. And if you were strong in your own background or in your own backbone, and you saw how this played out and you were being a man, you would have never dealt with any of the anyways. You know, if she isn’t providing, if she isn’t pulling her into the, you know, end of the deal, you’re being a man you’re helping, you’re contributing. You’re being this good dude without being a nice guy. You’re not going to be in a relationship that fulfills you like that. You know, not every relationship is meant to last forever. Maybe you’re with the wrong person, but if you’re good with you, that don’t matter. And that I think is the hardest thing for people to wrap their head around.

    Brad Singletary (00:41:10):
    Yeah. So our value, we see our value, our like human value, our value as a man is all wrapped up in how we’re being treated and like sex is that’s the ultimate evidence of being accepted. And when we don’t get that and we don’t get the time or attention or whatever we used to, we get into this like existential panic. You don’t want to talk to me. You don’t want to touch me. You don’t to spend time with me. I am nothing. Well, that is going to just escalate. That’s going to just devolve even more and more and more you’re spiraling down. And this going to end in total heartbreak. That’s what, that’s what happened to me for sure.

    Steve Edwards (00:41:48):
    No, and I mean, it’s easy to say it from standing, you know, sitting outside of it now and having gone through it. When I was going through it, I was a puddle of goo. I was, you know, I, I was soft as hell. I, there was nothing about me that was man. I felt like I was, you know, being a simp. And that was like the awakening that I needed to do some real self work. Cause I didn’t have, I didn’t have five people in my phone. I could have called to spend the night at their house or to go grab a beer with, I had me and my own depression and my own, my own negative beliefs about myself, not believing that I was good enough. And that’s where it starts and ends is like, you have to believe that you’re worthy of the love and affection that you need to be happy in a relationship. And the hard part, the talking out of both sides of my mouth on this is that you might be in this relationship with somebody that is not fulfilling your needs. And at a certain point, you have to be able to draw a line in the sand and say, I’m not getting what I need out of this relationship and be okay with the outcome because you know, you’re not happy. And that’s hard to say,

    Brad Singletary (00:42:59):
    I want to talk about this list of habits of highly ineffective men. Number one, looking for the approval of others, trying to conceal our apparent blemishes, you know, our mess up our mistakes, putting other’s needs in front of our own sacrificing our own power. I like this one too. This is what you’re talking about. This associating ourselves from different guys and our own manly energy. We’re totally disconnected. You’re let me say this loud and clear for you guys. Your most unhappy moments in your life have come or will come when you are the most disconnected from other men. Nope. That’s crazy. You’re most unfulfilled, unhappy times in your life will or have come when you are most disconnected from other men. So we make connections with women that aren’t fulfilling. We’re creating the circumstances. Co-Creating the circumstances for bad sex failing to live up to our own potential. So if we’re going to fix this stuff, we got to look at Glover talks about being integrated, being an integrated man. So what does it mean to be integrated?

    Steve Edwards (00:44:16):
    And integrated man, as somebody who is comfortable in their own skin? One of the biggest mistakes or one of the hugest problems with this nice guy is this belief that they’re not good enough. And this w this need for acceptance by everybody. You know, a lot of people say, I don’t care what other people think, but we all know that that’s a lie and that’s actually became even worse as time’s gone on where our entire culture and civilization is ran by, you know, fake Instagram and, you know, seeing everybody’s life. That seems amazing. Everybody’s beyond happy, but actually everybody’s really sad and depressed and going through a lot. And you know, they’re dealing with things and they have mental health issues. And at a certain point, you have to just believe that you’re okay, that you’re okay as you are. And your people will love you regardless. And that’s hard for people to say,

    Brad Singletary (00:45:14):
    Yeah, we’ve got to make our own needs important. We need to find people who can meet our needs when you’re integrated, you can live in some, with some confidence.

    Steve Edwards (00:45:27):
    And I think this all, I think this is the big takeaway for all of this is like, you have to just figure out how to be good with you. Like this idea of masculinity and like, you know, I don’t think you need to be this super machismo Dick. That’s what a lot of people hear is like No More Mr. Nice guy is that they have to turn this around and they’ve got to be this non-caring Dick we’re. In fact, actually, you know, somebody who is an integrated, truly good guy that gets what he’s doing. That’s a good man is caring. He’s probably way more caring, but he also recognize the difference between caring and care taking your job is not to solve everybody’s problems. But that doesn’t mean you don’t care. I have struggled with empathy for a very long portion of my life, of not being a very empathetic person.

    Steve Edwards (00:46:23):
    And I thought it just actually meant that I didn’t care, but where I got confused in this are where my mistake was made is that I felt empathy was also me having to solve the problem. I always had to have a solution to a problem versus just understanding that there was a problem. Sometimes you just gotta listen, you gotta just be able to hear that, okay, this is what’s wrong. This is what I don’t like. This is what makes me unhappy. Or this is what is making somebody unhappy and be okay in just, Hey, I hear what you’re saying. I hear what your problem is and leave it at that. You’re not in business to solve everybody’s problems.

    Brad Singletary (00:47:05):
    Yeah. We got to just deal with things in a straightforward way, learn to experience and express our feelings. We need to just find harmony with the, the delicate things of life. And another thing he talks about is that you build significant relationships with men. I always say the womanizer needs men, not women

    Steve Edwards (00:47:27):
    Or womanizer does need. And you know, the other thing is just being transparent about your wants and needs. He, covert contract will be the death of like, it will be the death of many marriages. And it has up to this point. And you know, because we’ve touched on the sex portion of it, this has to be a clear and present thing of what you’re in need of in this relationship. Maybe you’re not going to go and just say, Hey, I need more sex. I need more intimacy in my relationship and immediately get it. It’s not as if you’re going to go walk to her and be like, Hey, I definitely need more sex. And she’s like, you know what? You’re right. Let’s go, you know, you’re, this is a work in progress. And you’re going to have to work these steps to get to a spot of her trusting that your not going to be this passive aggressive guy, that your going to be the best version of yourself that you’re going to show up, that you’re going to listen. And in return, the end goal is that she will be able to be the best feminine version of herself, which is in return, is going to reflect on a better sex life, a better partner and a better relationship.

    Brad Singletary (00:48:39):
    Yeah. We got to face our fears. We need to become trustworthy and genuine. We’ve got to set limits. I think an integrated man is able to say, no, that’s something that I’ve struggled with. You talked about empathy, something I’ve struggled with is going along to get along, giving to get. He talks about that a lot in the book, you give something to get something back in return. So when you move come integrated, we’re not afraid. We’re not even afraid of losing the relationship. Think of the things that we do, the bonehead things that we do to try to save a relationship. We’re trying to force someone to let us stay at the party that no one wants us at. And I think if we can get to the point where like, it would be inconvenient, but I’m not, as I’m not scared to be alone,

    Steve Edwards (00:49:31):
    You know, it’s a, it is that fear of abandonment. It is that major fear of abandonment and whoa, what if nobody ever loves me again, somebody is going to love you again. You know, when you’re the best version of yourself when you’re showing up, when you’re caring, when you’re, when you’re that guy that was outdating, your you’re putting off, it’s a different energy. You care different. You know, you, you see that you’re, you’re in this. What happens when guys start going through breakups or in the gym, they’re working on themselves, they’re eating better. They’re doing basically everything that their spouse asked them to do in the relationship, just after the relationship

    Brad Singletary (00:50:12):
    That would’ve made everybody a lot happier. If they were just taking care of themselves, he talks a lot about that. And if we want to turn this around, he specifically talks about building muscle and like working out and becoming physical.

    Steve Edwards (00:50:26):
    Yeah. You know I, I saw it earlier and I, and I love this term as this I, and I’m going to read it. A lot of people say, I love hard instead of saying I’m codependent, lack boundaries, and become borderline obsessed with a person I’m interested in because of my anxious attachment style and fear of abandonment. But yeah, I love hard. Does sound better. I heard that. And I’m like, man, I, I feel that I get it because everybody gets in these relationships and you get in a relationship. And at first it’s like the greatest feeling ever you’re. So in love, you’re ugly. It’s oh my God, I can’t even imagine my life without them. And then like the real life sets in. And like, you have the same problems everybody else does. And relationships are hard when you’re not having sex with each other.

    Steve Edwards (00:51:16):
    You know, you with work with friends, with relationships, take a lot of work. And then when you add kids in the mix, you had a relationship, you had money. It’s a, it’s an uphill battle. The entire way we all have wants, needs, desires, that sort of thing. But we’re so afraid of just expressing our feelings, expressing how we feel, you know, what we need out of this relationship to be successful. You know, we’re terrified, terrified of the, what if it doesn’t work. And because what if, if it doesn’t work means you’re a failure. It means you’re not worthy of love. It means you’re not, you know, all these things you tell yourself, it means you’re never going to be with somebody else again. So instead you just pour the nice guy on like, it’s, you know, the thickest you’ve ever seen. It just thick country gravy.

    Steve Edwards (00:52:07):
    And you end up in a situation where you’ve got everything that you didn’t want. You’re not loved. You’re unhappy. You’re not getting, you know, you don’t have the sex. You want it. You don’t have the relationship you want and your partner checked out. And now you’re sitting in front of Brad and you’re wondering like, how does, how the hell did I get here? And how do I get out of this? And the unfortunate part is a lot of times, once you’ve gotten in front of Brad, it’s too late, too little, too late, myself included. Once you’re in front of Brad is too little too late. You can choose to solve it. Today is an overnight fix handle. No, there’s no overnight fix behind this. You’re not going to read this book and go home. And all of a sudden be this well adjusted mail. But if you don’t take some action, if you don’t find a reason to go out with the guys, if you don’t have any guy friends, you got to start somewhere. You’ve got to start. You gotta take that turtle step forward to take some action, to get to a better place, because otherwise it all unravels. And then, then you’re sitting on a podcast three years later talking about being a well adjusted male or so, whatever the hell that means some adjustments in the mail, the integrated mail. I’m sure if you have somebody there’s no well-integrated anything about this, but on, at work in progress,

    Brad Singletary (00:53:27):
    I think that’s important. We, he talks about you would need to please the person who matters the most. And that sounds a little selfish, but if we’re talking about coming out of nice guy syndrome, we gotta, we got to shift the balance a little bit more that way, because by trying to please everyone, nice guys end up pleasing, no one, including themselves. We see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance. And when our woman gets angry or upset, we think we, we start to panic like, oh, I got to do something quick, quick, quick, quick, how do I fix this? I need a lie. I need to manipulate. I’m going to offer some ideas. Here’s let me appease you in some way. And if we can just learn this, be okay with that little wave, that little emotional wave and just not feel like we’ve got to prevent her from feeling angry or upset. Because when we do that, when we’re rushing to some quick action, some urgency it’s based on, like you said, the fear of abandonment is based on, I am nothing without you. And that’s just. That’s going to lead you to pain.

    Steve Edwards (00:54:30):
    I always, every time, every single time that is going to lead you to pain. And it’s just not the case. I mean, are you the best version of yourself right now? No. Am I absolutely not. I’m sitting here and I’ve been losing the same 50 pounds for the last 15 years. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. And I think a lot of it all starts in the head. I think it’s the, you know, the embarrassment of mental health. I think it’s the guys being like, oh, well, how am I going to go talk to somebody about my feelings and of all the things you should do of all the places you should put money. Maybe you need to go see a therapist. Maybe you need to go talk to your friends. Maybe you actually have to have an open dialogue about what’s going on in your life. And this is where I think a lot of the mistake has made

    Brad Singletary (00:55:19):
    When we’re in the nice guy syndrome. We kind of feel like we’ve got to hide any of our shortcomings. Think about hair loss and stuff like that. And now we’re both sitting here now, both sitting here, bald guys who proud and true.

    Steve Edwards (00:55:32):
    You asked me if I was five foot taller and 50 pounds lighter me and me and the rock, same cap. Same.

    Brad Singletary (00:55:41):
    So yeah, any mistakes where we think about, you know, we don’t, we don’t wanna, we don’t want anyone to know that we farm. We don’t want to have any perfect imperfection of any kind. And so to be okay with that, stop lying, stop putting up walls. You know, people are not drawn to our perfection. Something that I’ve learned as a therapist is in the textbooks. You know, they say not to self-disclose, don’t tell your own stories to your clients. And I’ve really kind of always been a little patch Adams like with that stuff, I just do whatever works. And for me, what seems to work is in small little doses, I tell people about my into jail, but in a psych hospital, been suicidal, took psych meds, been divorced, got ex-communicated from Metro. I tell all those things. And everybody’s like, dude, I like that about you.

    Brad Singletary (00:56:29):
    I’m glad that you shared that. And I think the same is true of women. We think we’ve got to be perfect to win their acceptance. That’s probably not very good. I hear some women say sometimes he’s actually the perfect husband. Well, why did you cheat on him? Why are you leaving him? Why are you, why is this so perfect? He’s so perfect. And that’s a lot of pressure and it’s a lot to live up to. And I feel like there’s some inauthentic thing about that. So we don’t have to be perfect. What we have to do is get our needs met and do that with some integrity.

    Steve Edwards (00:57:00):
    This’ll be Billy put out, I’m sure, but it’s that putting the on the pedestal, it’s raising this belief that women are perfect, that women are without flaw and that your, just this piece of meat that she accepted into her life and you bring her no value. I mean, I think that’s where a lot of this self doubt and this disbelief in yourself that you’re deserving of love. I don’t know. Like I think that this is a lot of this has to start inside. This has to start in your own head. This is your own self-worth. And if you have something about you that you don’t like change it, make the change, do the work. If you’re like, oh my God, I’m such a fat obese sack, a shoes. Well, maybe you go to the gym maybe instead of sitting around. And like, if you don’t believe in yourself, maybe you take these changes. I have a mantra that I live by and I think it’s the greatest piece of advice. You either go after the life you want, or you settle for the life, you get hands down, full stop. The only thing you change everything about yourself. You want to be a billionaire, great. Do the work you want to be, you know, you want abs, you want to be ripped. You want the best life possible. Do the work. And if you don’t do the work, then you have to accept what you got.

    Brad Singletary (00:58:20):
    Yeah. Sometimes when we’re trying to be appear low maintenance. So like, if I, if I don’t have any needs, if I don’t have any way to grow, if I don’t have any imperfection, no one’s gonna abandon me. I want to dig into that covert contracts again, real quick. So basically that is to say, I will do blank so that you can do blank for me. I will do whatever. I’ll do this thing for you so that you can do this thing for me. But both of you act like no one is aware of the contract.

    Steve Edwards (00:58:50):
    You know, again, we can’t speak for women. We don’t have any women’s setting hair or anything like that, but it’s every guy does it. I mean, you know, they’re probably doing it and they don’t even know they’re doing it. But the, the most popular is always regarding around sex. You know, they on running joke for as long as everybody’s been alive is like the second you get in a marriage, you know, there goes a sax, right? Well, these guys that are in these relationships, he’s sexless, unhappy relationship. You know, that sex didn’t go away overnight and it didn’t go for a way, for any reason, something happened, something stopped, pushed her away where she stopped having sex with you. And maybe it was your lying. Maybe it was you not paying attention. You know, that phone that you’re sitting in there in your hand or the video game controller in front of you maybe you got to put it down, put a little pay, little attention and you know, I’ve had to drink my own.

    Steve Edwards (00:59:41):
    Kool-Aid on that. I’m the, I’m the worst. Like I worked all the time. I always was on my phone. I’d be sitting and watching TV and on my phone and just like not paying attention. So when she stopped having sex with you at a certain point, you have pull up in the mirror what happened? And it’s two to the covert contract side. It’s this artificial like made up. If you do this, I’m going to give you this. And for guys that’s sex, like I said, it’s the chores. It’s the date night. It’s the, any, any little gesture that should be commonplace in the relationship. Oh, I went and got your wheel changed in your car. Oh, I did this. And it’s like, you laugh at that. I was like, oh, I went and got your oil change. We should probably have sex without

    Brad Singletary (01:00:25):
    You mentioned, you mentioned the date night. I heard a guy in, one of my men’s groups recently was talking about how he took his wife out to this fancy dinner. They were all dressed up. They bought a bunch of expensive wine and all these things. And he, his whole thing was like, oh boy, when we get home, it’s going down. And it didn’t go down because she’s half buzzed. It’s midnight 30. You know, she’s been up with the kids since five in the morning and she’s tired. And she wanted to get down the next morning when they woke up. And he was all sorts of butt-hurt because I spent $600 on you on this date. And I didn’t even get any so needs are normal. We’ve got to accept that our needs are normal, but we need to talk about those indirect ways.

    Steve Edwards (01:01:10):
    I’m I’m done that. I’ve done. I’ve like, that could have been me. I I’m I’m that guy that you just told a story about there. I mean, I I’ve, I’ve done it when I planned a big night and we went out to a show and a fancy dinner and we were staying at the Cosmo and it was, I mean, rolled out the red carpet. And then when we got back to the hotel, she’s like, I’m tired. I’m not feeling this. And like a little bit, I’m just like, what are you going to have sex? You they’re going to have sex. I, you know, and those ruined, and then you’re having guilt sex, which is gotta be worse. It’s almost as bad as no.

    Brad Singletary (01:01:45):
    Oh, it’s worse. Cause it’s building resentment and they they’re just turned off, checked out. There’s nothing intimate at all about that. Earlier, we talked about the difference between caring and caretaking and there was a cool action step in the book. Here’s one of the things that he suggests, he says, stop giving completely for a week, stop doing any care-taking completely for a week. Don’t do anything that you normally do for a week and notice how you feel and how people react

    Steve Edwards (01:02:12):
    When you say that out loud. And like, guys are going to hear this. Like, you know how absurd that sounds right.

    Brad Singletary (01:02:18):
    It sounds absurd. He says, but there’s a followup to it. But he says, all right, notice how you feel and how people react when you give nothing. And then he said, after that, then caretake more than you normally do. So go all aboard, all overboard, caretaking, checking in, making sure they have everything, give them everything they ever wanted and then notice how you feel and how people react. And I think I want to try this. So

    Steve Edwards (01:02:41):
    Without imploding a relationship, do all of this without imploding your relationship.

    Brad Singletary (01:02:47):
    I think the idea is it’s really trying to get us out of the habit of the covert contract. And just to sometimes I’m sitting around like, okay, you had a shower. I had a shower I’m guess guests. This means maybe we can do this now. You know? And, and I noticed that most of those times disappointed, but when I got to do and it’s like, oh babe, no, I got, I got something going on. I got it. I gotta go. I gotta meet up with Steve over the office to record a podcast. Like that’s when it’s like, I’m being pulled back in to like, whoa, before you leave. And there’s some crazy goes down in two and a half minutes in the closet, you know what I’m saying?

    Steve Edwards (01:03:26):
    And how does it like, I mean, isn’t that the way you’ve dreamed about it being isn’t that the like fun that needs to be injected into it. I know a lot of guys, if they even had to go to the idea of like scheduling it, because now when you’re an adult and you got kids in the house, you got all this, let’s be real. That sex is going to go away. It’s not going to be like, when you’re freshly dating, no kids and no adult responsibilities or no, like, like, yeah, that’s amazing. And then it all goes away and guys are like, Hey, what happened? Do what happened when we were 22 and things were amazing. And we had unadulterated I don’t know if you want to call it like young kids, sex, college kids sex. I don’t think that that’s I think

    Brad Singletary (01:04:09):
    That that’s in the car, like that kind of stuff,

    Steve Edwards (01:04:12):
    Car sex. Now I just, now that practical dad, adult side of me is like, why would we do that? Like, why don’t we like, you know, we have a fully functioning bed, right? Like, God, what if I get a leg cramp? God, I, I even, we should delete that portion out. Cause we ain’t going to be terrible. Nobody wants to hear about like, why Steve doesn’t want to have car sex too old for this.

    Brad Singletary (01:04:38):
    My favorite lines in the, in the, in the, I was gonna say the movie, they should probably make a movie about this. But in the, in the book is helpless. Whiny, wimpy, and needy men are not attractive. Not at all. He says, put yourself first. It shows confidence. And that is what attractive you’ll feel anxious and guilty at first. But if you can just put yourself first, do what you want to do and do nothing that you don’t want to do. Now, some guys are going to hear this and go to say, oh, well, when I go to church, they tell me I need to serve and love and sacrifice. Well, yeah, if you’re an ego driven person, who’s only selfish and completely, some, sometimes people need to forget themselves and kind of, there’s two ideas. One guy says the king eats first and the other guy says the king eats last. And which one is it? And I think it’s both depending on which you’ve been typically in the past, if you’re a nice guy, I think the king eats first.

    Steve Edwards (01:05:34):
    Well, and this isn’t a game of absolutes, right? Like this is not something I think that you can just go full, stop on it tomorrow. And you’re going to just have a happy life. In fact, I think you’re going to end up with a more off life than you have. Now. I think that this is something you have to recognize inside of yourself. A big takeaway for me would be the recognizing of the covert contract. I think that that’s the most easy place for a guy to start recognizing the little things that you’re trading off with the expectation of something in return. Start there, stop doing it, stop expecting anything. And maybe then you’re going to stop volunteering to do some of these tasks that I’m not saying don’t help around the house. Cause I feel like that’s like an implosion waiting to happen too. But I think you’ve got to approach us with a different energy, a different mindset and quit trying to horse trade stuff with

    Brad Singletary (01:06:31):
    Horse trade. I like that. I like that idea.

    Steve Edwards (01:06:33):
    Yeah. I, you know, it’s like this, this just, it’s a trade. It’s a trade and guys are w and it would be one thing that even if you said it, like, Hey, I’m going to do all these chores. And in return, I would like to have sex. And she says, yes, sir, do you accept this deal? These terms? And she said, yes, that’d be great, but it’s always happening without being said. And then it’s just leading to disappointment. So I think you got to take baby steps, read the book, read the book again and probably read it two or three, four more times. Cause I’m, I’m a like 10 times deep because it’s a huge mindset thing. This is a mindset change.

    Brad Singletary (01:07:11):
    Yeah. I think you’ve made a good point about this. This can’t happen overnight. Generally. This is just a general idea about the timeframe for change. I think it takes a month for every year that you’ve been dysfunctional. So w our average listener is about a 40 year old man. And if he’s been doing this since he was a child, you know, since he was a boy, he has been, he’s been a nice, nice guy since he was a boy, because he was trained to be that way. So he’s been doing it for 30 years. Been a nice guy. It may take you 30 months of therapy. Men’s groups talking with dudes about this, really getting control of yourself, getting your balls back. It might take you a month for every, yeah. So think of you’re on a three-year plan to get your balls back and we can help you with that stuff if you reach out to us. But yeah, it’s not going to happen overnight, and don’t go do some sudden crazy things, but in reclaiming your personal power, he talks about considering and accepting your gifts. You got to find some things to be proud of. You got to look in the mirror and see something that you like and be able to acknowledge that with yourself and the people you’re around and project a reality that we,

    Speaker 3 (01:08:24):
    I, I love this. I love this point. Like this, I think is a, I lead with a lot of self-confidence where it comes from. I’m not totally sure. Maybe it’s all a lie, but I have it. Okay. A lot of the guys I talked to, there’s such this belief, this self belief that they’re not deserving of better. And if you don’t believe you deserve better than what you have, how do you ever get it? How do you, how do you demand that? How do you demand more from others? If you don’t even think you deserve it? And of all the things of all the topics that one hurts me the most, because there’s a lot of guys that are in unhappy relationships and you know, maybe it isn’t a woman may, you know, but they’re, but they’re not taking any action. And all they’re going to do is they’re going to keep going down the same path, because it is the path of least resistance, because it’s easier to be unhappy in a relationship with your wife and you know, your kids than it is to break up, get divorced, you know, have shared custody, lose half your money, or lose your money and, you know, start all over and still be this weak man, because you don’t deserve, you don’t think you deserve better.

    Steve Edwards (01:09:40):
    In fact, now your self-worth has even less guys really have to do this. Some of the self works, you know, look in the mirror. What do you deserve? Why do you deserve it? What are you doing to be the best possible version of yourself? The way at the exercise? The self appearance is a big portion of it. The idea of like, when you start dating somebody, all of a sudden you become attractive to other females. We’ve all heard that. And when you’re single, all of a sudden, you’re basically chopped liver and nobody wants you. Well, it’s because you pull off that like thirsty vibe when you’re single, you’re needy, you want, you know, you’re wanting of love of others and it comes off as weakness versus masculinity and confidence and self-belief, and when you’re in a relationship and you feel like you’re in a S you know, those first three, six months of a relationship, when you feel like man, I’m on top of the world, I’m in this great relationship. I’ve got this girl by my side, you know, that’s that kind of like, that’s that toxic max masculinity. That’s the stuff that pours out of you that feels like you’re conquering the world. And then you let life kick you in the nuts a little bit. And all of a sudden you become this weak version of yourself again.

    Brad Singletary (01:10:52):
    Wow. So interesting. So true. We kind of project a reality that we want to see happening on to things. And even if it’s not real. So one of the interesting concepts in the book that, that shocked me a little was it talked about, we are trying to be monogamous to our mothers. And the way I read that was we kind of maybe unconsciously sabotage things so that we can really stay true to our first girlfriend. And that’s a very fruity and in nature, but I think it’s true to some degree. So let me go ruin every relationship so that I can get back to my mom or to this in the archetypical sense. This is the ideal love or whatever. I let me ruin this so that I can be comforted and be, you know, go back to this idealistic thing, whether your mom is alive or not. I want to go back to this ideal of unconditional love. I have a client who complains that his wife, you know, says, oh, we need to have unconditional love. And he tells me, and I believe it. The only unconditional love that exists is from God and from your mom and dad and, and no spouse, you know, because we’ve seen it. We’ve been through these situations where we love you when this is going well, when you start doing that now, I don’t love you anymore. It’s not, can’t be on a conditional only for your children.

    Steve Edwards (01:12:08):
    Unconditional love is such a weird concept too, of like, I mean, would you expect your parents to still love you if you were Jeffrey Dahmer or, you know, if you’re some crazy serial killer. And I know I don’t feel like I’m deep enough to wrap my head around this whole idea of like being faithful to your mom. I think it comes to this idea that you’re you do, you know, your parents are vital to your mom was in the picture for so long. And a lot of guys are mama’s boys. I was a mama’s boy. I am a mama’s boy. I see my mom a lot. And it’s, you know, you always hear the female saying like, you know, the mom is just too up in our business. You know, they, you can’t stand up to your mom because it’s your mom. You can’t say no to your mom. There’s no ability to push back. And, and over time that that almost feels like it’s how guys end up in relationships too, where they just can’t, they can’t be truthful. They can’t follow through, but you know, this idea of being faithful to your mom, I don’t know. I’m sure there’s a truth to it. I just it’s deeper than me, buddy.

    Brad Singletary (01:13:15):
    So he’s part of it is he saying that, you know, we are dependent on the approval of women. And so mom is just kind of the archetype of pure love and the, and the love that never goes away and that kind of thing. And so we’re, we become dependent on women. And if we’re talking about trying to take back our power and take back our masculinity, one of the things it talks about in there is we have this belief that we’re different from other men. I’m not the abusive, angry guy. I’m the sensitive, caring, caretaking person. And, and that actually disconnects us from other men, which is part of the problem. I love his definition of masculinity. He says, masculinity is basically what, whatever helps us in survival. So it’s our strength. It’s our ability to strategize. It’s our ability to fight. It’s our ability to protect and those types of things. But since say like the sixties, you know, we’ve kind of distanced ourselves from aggression. And so, but we still noticed that women are attracted to jerks.

    Steve Edwards (01:14:16):
    It’s like you better off. If everybody just needs to go buy themselves a Fonzie jacket and have a little bit of that. Yeah. I mean, but there is that element girls are attracted because that cause that jerk also spews confidence, whether it’s fake or not. Because I think that there’s a real level of fake confidence that goes with it. But that’s, I think where the attraction comes from is they’re looking for a leader. They’re looking for a guy who can take charge and have a strong backbone and it isn’t going to, or isn’t going to roll over. I think that’s where it comes from is that women are attracted to a bad boy or to this bad guy, because it’s everything they’ve been told that like, they shouldn’t find the nice guy, get the banker, go to go marry the guy. That’s going to raise the kids. Right. And go to work and come home and love you. And it’s like, but everybody’s so unfulfilled by that. Everybody’s so unfulfilled because nobody’s really talking about what they want. Even the woman in this, the woman isn’t saying, this is what I want, need to be happy. She’s just going with the flow too. Because if you don’t talk about it, it’s not really an issue.

    Brad Singletary (01:15:27):
    Yeah. Most women don’t want a man that who’s trying to please them. They want a man with balls.

    Steve Edwards (01:15:32):
    Oh yeah. A hundred percent. They want, each woman that could mean different things. That doesn’t mean you actually have to go out and like fight bowls or like jump, jump dirt bikes, or do any of these things, but you’ve gotta be comfortable in your own skin. And that’s hard. I think it’s hard for, you know, for guys to be like, this is who I am. This is the man. I want to be, I like golf. I like cars or dirt bikes or whatever it is. And just having a passion, like, what are you passionate about outside of your wife, outside of your kids? And that’s where I think a lot of guys lose all their happiness. You know, they give it away because it’s like, now I’m an adult. I don’t have any hobbies because I am a dad because I am married. It’s like, well, what were you interested in? You know, you used to maybe ride a skateboard or you used to like play baseball. Maybe you need to be on the softball team. Maybe you need to go play softball once a week. Or, you know, I’m not advocating for you to go on drinking with the boys, but you know that Saturdays are for the boys. Maybe you need a Saturday. Maybe you need, yeah. You’ve got to really find a way to like talk with the guy.

    Brad Singletary (01:16:45):
    Yeah. So true man. I was so I played college football and the idea of locker room talk and your mama jokes and all that kind of stuff. I was the guy who was offended by all that stuff. And I didn’t even, I never had any comebacks. Literally it took me into well into my adulthood to realize that that’s one of the ways that men bond with each other. And I used to get so offended. My grandfather would always call me like knucklehead, not head, you know, all these things. And I remember crying to my mom. He says, these mean things to me, you know, why does he say that to me? And it took me. I was probably in my twenties before I realized that’s just how guys do and I’ve yeah. That’s ball busting is real. So a Glover talks about, we need to do these four things to reclaim our masculinity, connect with other men, get strong, literally get in the gym, get strong workout, be physically active, have healthy male mentors and connections.

    Brad Singletary (01:17:39):
    And then look at, look at your relationship with your dad. And that’s something that you might consider doing with the professional, but we’re afraid to upset women because then it means she won’t have sex with us, but he makes a good point that that’s not true with our male friends. We’re not trying to get it on with our homeys. And so we can be real and we can not worry about upsetting them. We can not worry about drama with dudes. You’re less likely to have drama with male friends. And so that’s one of the reasons he says we need to have.

    Steve Edwards (01:18:07):
    So I know there’s going to be a lot of guys that are thinking like, well, how do I go get guy friends? Well now with the internet, you know, my best friend lives in Florida. Like I talked to him, I talked to him far too often for two males, but he lives in Florida and we talk every day about some, about anything, everything, and anything in between. But nowadays with the internet and Facebook and these different portals, you can find somebody who’s interested in what you’re into. Oh, you’re a weird European stamp collector. Great that guy’s on the internet somewhere. You’re not stuck with this idea that you have to find a friend in your backyard like you used to. But I do think that there is an element of like, you got to get out of the house. You need to find your tribe.

    Steve Edwards (01:18:50):
    Find those people that you can relate with that are going to check you on your and hold you accountable to your goals. A lot of guys just, they’re not transparent. Transparency being so key to all of this is they’re so afraid to be vulnerable to other men that it’s like when they’re around other men, it’s like a chest beating contest. Like we’re a bunch of gorillas. Have you ever played softball or have you ever hung? So you go to like softball and or whatever you go to hang out with the guys. None of those guys are ever having bad days. None of them are going through divorce. None of their wives are cheating on them or anything like that. Why? Because male, ego is way too high for anybody to ever be vulnerable. You need to find those three to five guys. And maybe it starts with one. Maybe it starts with two, but you need to find people that you can be real open and honest with.

    Brad Singletary (01:19:43):
    Yeah. Tell him when you’re messing up, tell on yourself, tell him about the problem you haven’t asked for some input. Listen to them.

    Steve Edwards (01:19:50):
    Find a men’s group. Men’s group is a huge thing. There’s men’s group you can go into and you can be yourself because these are not your friends. They are like-minded individuals, peers that are there to hear your problems and as well as address their problems. And I think that’s a huge step. I think that is such a miss where guys are missing out on is seek some therapy. So you can men’s group be real, like open up and be real about what’s going on in your life.

    Brad Singletary (01:20:20):
    We want to wrap this up guys. Thank you for being with us, but we’re just going to hit a few points from No More Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover. Some things that he talks about, that what ways we can do to be integrated and to get our strength back, get our mojo back, get our balls back and have more respect in our relationships. Whether professionally or romantically, let’s just hit a few things here. First of all, I think is have some integrity. Be honest in what you’re saying. Be honest about your feelings, your interactions. Tell the truth.

    Steve Edwards (01:20:53):
    Yeah, that’s a, I think that’s a great one. Another one is quit being afraid of new experiences or what’s what’s around you. What the world has stopped.

    Brad Singletary (01:21:02):
    Yeah. Don’t be avoidant of new experiences. I love that. Learn to surrender what you can’t change. That’s one of the big things in alcoholics anonymous, the serenity prayer except the things that you cannot change.

    Steve Edwards (01:21:18):
    I mean, this next one is an interesting one, because again, it’ll, it’ll trigger some people, but do what you want to do quick, constantly trying to always please other people, make sure you’re taking care of yourself for

    Brad Singletary (01:21:31):
    Learn how to get help. Ask about help for your feelings. If you’re feeling uncomfortable or guilty about something. Talk about that stuff.

    Steve Edwards (01:21:40):
    Recognize that that people are human, that people are going to make mistakes, that people are flawed in nature.

    Brad Singletary (01:21:46):
    Stop trying to be perfect.

    Steve Edwards (01:21:48):
    Stop seeking approval. And like you don’t need the approval and the external validation from everybody.

    Brad Singletary (01:21:54):
    Yeah. You got to approve of yourself. Treat yourself to the things that you deserve. Take care of your own needs with integrity.

    Steve Edwards (01:22:01):
    Stop building such huge walls and let people in.

    Brad Singletary (01:22:05):
    Don’t try to cover up or take attention away from your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid of your shortcomings.

    Steve Edwards (01:22:13):
    Be aware or cognizant of your childhood events and some of the conditions or influences that led you to where you’re at today.

    Brad Singletary (01:22:21):
    Set boundaries. No who to let in who to leave out. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected or taking advantage of.

    Steve Edwards (01:22:29):
    There’s a big one on the list, but be clear or start expressing your feelings. Be transparent about what you’re feeling about things.

    Brad Singletary (01:22:37):
    Spend more time with men. And we’ve talked about that quite a bit. You’ve got to develop your masculine energy,

    Steve Edwards (01:22:42):
    Recognize that women, they reject nice guys. They see that as weak, recognize that

    Brad Singletary (01:22:49):
    Learn to be more passionate, more assertive, more responsible, take care of business.

    Steve Edwards (01:22:55):
    I recognize that you don’t have to do everything right, or you’re allowed to be flawed

    Brad Singletary (01:23:01):
    And don’t let the fear of failure or the fear of success. Some guys, I think fears success don’t let that keep you away from the things that you want and deserve.

    Steve Edwards (01:23:11):
    The last I think is don’t settle for mediocrity. Go after the life you want, quit settling. You’re not a Pilgrim.

    Brad Singletary (01:23:18):
    Make your own rules. There’s a lot of rules out there right now. If they make sense. And if you can jive with that, go for it. But also don’t be afraid to be independent. Don’t be afraid to be, non-compliant do your thing. Get your balls back, guys. We really appreciate you being with us tonight. This is such an important topic. Men must be stronger. And that may, I mean, take a look at your upbringing. That might mean take a look at how you interact covert contracts. We’ve got to turn these things around and what I’ve noticed with myself and with men that I’ve worked with over the last 23 years, when we stand up and allow ourselves to be counted and allow our voice to be heard and be real and genuine and authentic about where we’re at, what our needs are. And we do the things that keep us alive in our spirit. Things just turn out so much better for us. Appreciate you being with us. Steve-O thank you

    Steve Edwards (01:24:11):
    So much for having me. I hope I come back. I got a lot to talk about.

    Brad Singletary (01:24:14):
    Yeah, dude, this is good. I feel like we got a good vibe. We get a little slow here, man. I appreciate you being here and we’re definitely happy back, brother. Take care. Thank you. You guys know no excuses, alpha up.

    Speaker (01:24:29):
    Gentlemen, you are the Alpha and this is the Alpha Quorum.

    Click your podcast platform below or listen to the embedded file on this page.

    074: THE NEXT RIGHT THING – Alpha Responsibility

    EPISODE 74

    THE NEXT RIGHT THING

    ALPHA RESPONSIBILITY

    ALPHA SHOT: One-minute Sample

    PLAY FULL EPISODE HERE

    074:

    THE NEXT RIGHT THING

    ALPHA RESPONSIBILITY

    Brad Singletary and Taco Mike finish the series on Alpha Responsibility with some ultra-valuable lessons about how men can admit wrongs, make amends, accept the things they cannot control and do the next right thing.  

    We discuss the language of responsibility: examples of words and phrases that men need to be comfortable with in taking ownership of their failures.  But first, Taco Mike describes how he became so comfortable with the language of responsibility by first getting right with who he is as a person and learning to be comfortable in his own skin, having an identity that was purely his own and not the template that others told him he should be. He describes one of the unlikely ways he did this: refusing to go along with something he once believed and taught others to do because it no longer made sense for him to continue.

    We discuss apologies and how they are more harmful than good if they come from a place of victimhood and how words are usually not enough.

    Taco Mike describes a moto trip in Mexico with a group of men that went terribly wrong as they became stranded on a treacherous mountainside, the surprising way he went about handling his responsibilities as the leader of the expedition and the outcome that required Alpha-level humility. Find out how things ended up and what he gained from this experience.

     

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    FULL TRANSCRIPT

    Taco Mike (00:00:00):
    Difficulties and challenges escalate that happened, which is my fault. I accept an own full responsibility. I put them there. It doesn’t count when your apology is from place of victimhood. Those apologies are worthless. In fact, they do more harm than good. It’s more destructive for me to pretend didn’t happen, to gaslight, to try to deflect. That causes me more pain than the pain of just being like. I did it. I don’t want to be a villain. I don’t want to blame. I don’t want to harm. I don’t want to be a victim either.

    Brad Singletary (00:00:34):
    If we can just tell the truth and come clean and admit when we’re wrong, it seems to work out. There’s freedom in it.

    Taco Mike (00:00:41):
    When we own our complete and catastrophic failures, I think it’s a super power.

    Brad Singletary (00:00:47):
    That’s super alpha. Where are you going to start? You got to have some people around you who can guide you. You need to be asking for that. You need to go intentionally seeking it,

    Taco Mike (00:00:56):
    Continually do the next right thing.

    Intro (00:01:07):
    If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better. You are in the right place. You are responsible. You are strong. You are a leader. You are a force for good gentlemen. You are the alpha, and this is the Alpha Quorum.

    Brad Singletary (00:01:32):
    Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum Show. Brad Singletary here. I’m so glad to be back with my buddy Taco Mike tonight, we wanted to talk about responsibility. So an alpha is responsible. He does good. It admits his wrongs and makes amends. And he accepts the things that he can’t change and changes the unacceptable things that he can. So let’s get started here tonight, man, you were talking about tools and Mike, I got to tell you that one of your best tools is your language. So you’re very articulate. You’ve got this sophisticated way of communication and it’s very good. It’s simple, but in terms of your self growth and your like personal development, the healing and the things that you’ve done in recovery and all that you’ve worked at in your life, you have great language. And when I think about the language of responsibility, it takes being able to say certain kinds of things.

    Brad Singletary (00:02:34):
    So I wish I could remember off the top of my head, some of the things that you’ve said, but I remember him. One of the, I think it was the solo podcast that you did about confidence. And you just said, you know, I’m the kind of person who can figure this out. I’m the kind of person who can take this. I’m the kind of person who can learn from my situation. You’ve used things like, Hey, I’m, I’m just an idiot. I’m just a dirt bag. I’m just whatever. And the way you talk about yourself, the way you talk about the things that you need to do, it’s very impressive. Like the way you describe your faults, your, your past mistakes and failures, the way you talk about what you’re still trying to do. So I think one of the tools going back to tools, one of the tools that men need is how to talk about their own responsibilities, how to talk about their failures, how to talk about what it is they need to be accountable for. How do you, how have you gained some of that magic language? Where did you get it from?

    Taco Mike (00:03:44):
    You’re ha you’re too nice. I need to come back here more just so I can have you say nice things about me, which I do not deserve, but appreciate that. The thing I think that’s, I think everybody needs to figure out a language that works for them. Here’s an example. Most people know that I am Mormon, but I’m not a very good one because most of what happens in organized religions and especially in Mormonism, it doesn’t work for me. And it doesn’t resonate with me. And I remember the moment that I sort of accepted that there was something happening and someone’s reading. We all have a Bible in our house. Most of us have a King James version Bible in our house that doesn’t do crap for me. I could sit down and read that, and it does not chime to me. And a lot of us also have a prayer language that we’re supposed to use, like our, our religion or our denomination imprints on us, sort of a format or a structure.

    Brad Singletary (00:04:49):
    Here’s the template for praying

    Taco Mike (00:04:52):
    Bingo and some of us went out on missions for churches that had little flip cards that told people you’re supposed to do it this way. This is what God likes, any other way, God doesn’t like it. And I remember sitting in, in a Mormon meeting one time and someone’s reading from the King James Bible. And it just, I got nothing. It meant nothing to me. And it just, something in my brain just went click. Then don’t read that, get a different version. What’s to stop. What’s who’s why don’t you just go on and find some other version that’s got like a more, a better, easier to understand format. And then, and then I remember one time defending against this was, this was earlier, but I remember one time somebody sort of, well, I think I was on my mission and somebody said, Oh no, you know, I don’t know that I want to use this official Mormon Bible, the King James, because I use this other one.

    Taco Mike (00:05:44):
    And then we had to talk them out of that and tell them, no, this is the only one that’s approved. Cause anything else in there could be a shadow off of the truth or whatever. Who cares? I don’t care. Please write me a letter, please, please disabuse me of this. But, but I don’t care. What I do care about is the intimacy, the relationship, the feeling, the vibe that I have with Jesus. I care about that. I don’t give a rat’s about whether you use this Bible or that Bible I care. And I just remember in my brain, just this moment that like, I’m over it, I’m over reading a Bible. I don’t understand I’m over praying with words that don’t make any sense to me that don’t, don’t reflect who I am as a person or how I talk. It felt like I was having a third party interaction with this deity that I, that I did want to have an interaction and a relationship with.

    Taco Mike (00:06:34):
    And I just, I was over it and I was done and I never looked back and it has allowed me to, to grow and to evolve and deepen sort of that whole relationship part of who I am as a person. It’s a weird way to answer your question. Here’s the punchline. I think, I think that when people don’t feel comfortable in their own skin, they hunt around for language. They hunt around. For words, I think it’s about being confident and comfortable with who you are as a person. And if there’s, if, if someone has hangups, if somebody has baggage, if somebody has these you’re inauthentic, which is kind of one of those Oprah ways of saying like, you’re really not who you are, like, you’re sort of Shu your life. May you may be living this life. That’s not really your life. You’re just sort of stuck in this situation, in this world that it’s not who you are.

    Taco Mike (00:07:26):
    And you’re just trying to fake it till you make it please. Everyone else kind of, and if one of these days, if you get some balls and you just sort of like realize what does and what doesn’t work and figure out how to make it your own then you could like flower, like it could that’s again, a drop back the Oprah it’s Oprah talk, stop me, please write me an email and tell me to stop doing this. I’m trying not to do that. If you figure that out, there we go. That’s how you say it. Then I believe anyone and everyone can just sort of like freaking come on fire. And maybe your gift is language. Maybe that’s mine, but maybe your gift is something else. And if you can sort of like light up with who you are as a person, people are going to resonate with that.

    Taco Mike (00:08:19):
    People are going to appreciate that. They’re going to value that. And then you are adding alpha value into your community. And so you’re adding that into your family, whatever, maybe it’s, you know, it’s music, maybe it’s, I don’t know. I’m just getting weird here. Maybe it’s sports, maybe it’s whatever who knows. But I just think when you really become who, the person, you are, your little DNA cells who you are in there and you stop with all the nonsense pretending, then you just become, you’re just lit up. And so maybe that’s a long, sorry for that. But maybe that’s how I explain it.

    Brad Singletary (00:08:51):
    I love itt. And just the example of talking about prayer language and stuff like that. I’ve heard Mike pray before and here’s how he starts it. Well, God, it’s us again. It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s the, some of you been around Mike and ways that you’ve heard him pray before, but anyway, that’s that I love what you’re saying. And I think this is a message that I’m, I’m receiving in multiple areas of my life right now, but language. Yes, that’s that is a gift that you have. And you’re saying if a man really comes to terms with who he is and he’s living authentically as himself, he’s keeping it real, then he will know the things that he needs to say. It’s interesting. It’s an interesting way to look at it, such a deep way to talk about that. I’m curious about the guy who would say the words, you know, he needs to take responsibility for something he, but he’s never, he’s never uttered the words my bad.

    Brad Singletary (00:09:54):
    He’s never apologized to someone before because of pride or ego or because of whatever, the reason he just can’t say the words he’s, he’s never said it before. And so to say it out loud to kind of practice it out loud. That’s something that I do with people sometimes repeat after me say these things and it becomes, it’s kind of locked in now as a tool that I’ve used before. And I can go back to what are the words of responsibility. And maybe what we can do here for a minute is just kind of go back and forth and rattle off a bunch of words that we say, or that we’ve heard men say, when they’re taking responsibility for their own life, their own outcomes, their own situations, not seeing themselves as a victim. What are the words that we need to learn to use in order to take responsibility?

    Taco Mike (00:10:46):
    They seem obvious don’t they? That question deserves a little bit of searching to try to come up with a good vocabulary. Are there guys out there that just don’t have those words?

    Brad Singletary (00:10:56):
    They just don’t, they don’t, they, they don’t have the words. They don’t even have the recognition that they need that they’re missing those, that language. I think I’ve heard people say things like, you know, this one’s on me. I don’t know. Maybe it was a coach that you know, I was on a team and we lost a game or whatever. And the coach would say, and the coach is not on the field, but the coach would say, guys, this one’s on me. This was on the planning. This was on the strategy this week. This one’s on me. That is that’s, that’s super alpha. That’s that’s taking back the leadership almost. That’s almost kind of saying it’s just powerful to acknowledge your role in things. This one’s on me, my fault. I did it. I did it. You’re right. You’re right. Is a, is a powerful one to just say, you’re right. I get what you’re saying. I get, I get it. That’s true. That’s language. You’re right. This is true. This is true. That did happen or

    Taco Mike (00:11:57):
    I did do that thing. I did. That’s my fault. I own it. I can own that. That’s a good, that’s a really good one. I can own that. Okay.

    Brad Singletary (00:12:06):
    I don’t that I can take responsibility for that. Yeah.

    Taco Mike (00:12:09):
    What you’re saying is, is, is landing. Yeah. This is, you know, that concept of like cognitive dissonance, where your brain just can’t process. Valerie. One time, Valerie demic. One time I asked her kind of about cognitive dissonance, where your brain has to separate, like you’re conscious and your subconscious, your subconscious. I was asking Valerie one time about somebody who was like smacked upside the head with truth, that they were not prepared to receive. She said, she’s had people black out, pass out, go dark, the lights, turn off because they’re confronted with something that they’re, sub-conscience like their inner being. They know that’s true. But the, you know, the layer where they operate the public self, the persona self, like that self can’t deal. And so like the, the circuits just jammed and she’s like, she’s like, yeah, on one or two occasions, I’ve just had somebody like tilt over and pass out.

    Brad Singletary (00:13:12):
    Yes. Popped a breaker. The breaker broke.

    Taco Mike (00:13:16):
    That’s so funny. Exactly. Right? Like tilt, like their eyes rolled back, tilt, ding, ding, ding, ding. And they just went to sleep. I remember once upon a time when I was a total piece of garbage person, my wife or other people confronting me with things that my sub-conscience had to accept a new what’s true. But my operational system, you know, this, this image that I’m projecting, that person did not want to face that. And I remember my sort of emo would be to just have this blue deer in the headlights, look just this like a blank stare. And I’ve seen that I’ve seen so many people do that and I completely get it. I completely understand. It’s where you’re confronted with the reality that you are unwilling. I am unwilling to accept. It’s true. And I know it’s true, but my persona is not going to let that be true. I’m not going to speak. I’m not going to say I’m not going to acknowledge. I continue to deflect and hide out of fear. And I’m an deer in the headlights. Have you ever seen that look? Yeah.

    Brad Singletary (00:14:22):
    Yeah. It’s like, it’s like, you’re sparking, like you touch the ends of the jumper cables together. It’s just short, short now.

    Taco Mike (00:14:32):
    So when you, when you see somebody sitting in a chair, like you probably have this all the time, you’re talking to somebody and you’re just sort of like presenting to them like this is it. This is the reality of a situation. And they’re just like, they they’re void the eyes. Just like don’t run nothing registers.

    Brad Singletary (00:14:47):
    I love how you’re validating this because I think it’s such a common thing even then may be a way to respond to that. Like I need a minute, you know, I want to consider what you’re saying. This is shocking to my system. Let me, let me, let me consider this for a minute. Let me write it down. Let me process this. I wanna, I wanna see where you’re coming from. I’m feeling a little defensive about it right now, but I want to get there. I wanna, I can let me ponder this a little bit and see if I can understand more about your perspective.

    Taco Mike (00:15:23):
    Genius. That’s super powerful. I did not. I was not equipped once upon a time I was not equipped. I just went deer in the headlights and then I probably gas lit and then probably tried to dance. And probably what I did was like overpower like dominance, maybe like raised voice or whatever, but that’s all just, that’s all just me, my ego. Not allowing reality to be there. So those are really good. Those are really good. That’s really good coaching.

    Brad Singletary (00:15:49):
    I really like what you just said there about, I wasn’t, I wasn’t skilled. I didn’t have the capability to do that once upon a time. How did he get there? You guys, he opened himself up to a tribe. He opened himself up to professionals. He opened himself up to the people in his life that he loves and he learned a lesson. That is all. Those are just such good examples. I love that. I love how you talk about the way that you’ve grown. I didn’t know how to do that at one point. And now I’ve learned some things. I’ve got tools. You talk about tools a lot. So, so language, yeah. You might need some help with some language. We’ve shared a few thoughts there about some of those. I’m trying to think of there are others…

    Taco Mike (00:16:35):
    And it’s okay to like admit defeat, like you’re listening to this and it’s okay to just say, like I suck at that. I don’t do any of those things. I don’t know how to do those things. I don’t operate at that level. Okay, cool. Like fine. Just own it. Just say whatever and figure out ways that you can. I think we’ve, you’ve talked about this many times, see a shrink talk to your tribe, figure something out, have a beer with your buddies and then ask them what they do when somebody is like in your face with something that they don’t really want to like, have a, have a pizza and a beer and like talk to talk to other dudes about this specialty specifically dudes, you know, who are going to give good advice and who have good wisdom to share. Okay. So if you’ve got friends and you go and ask F from the perspective, you want revalidation of you being a Dick, like, okay, that’s a bad move. You need to like level up. And maybe heck maybe this is exposing the reality that you don’t have many friends who have leveled up. I’m sure you do. But maybe this is a good way to realize. I need to, like, sometimes you go down these rabbit holes and they expose so much, that’s just not good in your life, but where are you gonna start?

    Brad Singletary (00:17:46):
    Yeah. Most of the times in my life, when I’ve been the most irresponsible. And when I saw myself as a, as a victim or when I was being the villain, all of those had to do with me doing it alone. No one had any idea about the choices I was making. No one had any idea. I wouldn’t dare let anyone know how I handled certain circumstances. And so great point again about, you got to have some capable men around you who can who can guide you. You need to be asking for that. You need to go intentionally seeking it and get connected that way.

    Brad Singletary (00:18:26):
    So one of the things under responsibility is that he’s reliable. He follows through, he keeps his promises. You know, you’ve heard about the, kind of the cliche thing where the, you know, the parents are divorced and the dad is supposed to pick up the kid and the kid’s sitting by the window on a Friday. You know, he’s just waiting for dad to come and pick him up. And that just never happens if there’s any just disgusting habit that men have. It’s not following through in my mind, especially when it comes to your loved ones, especially if you’ve promised something, especially if this has to do with, you know, your children, but even on your job, even in, even in things with, you know, friends or neighbors or whatever that you may be involved with to be reliable, that’s pretty alpha, you know, just doing what, doing what you agreed to do. What about reliability?

    Taco Mike (00:19:22):
    Those are all good. I also think that it’s important when you’re not reliable. Again, maybe we circle back and we kind of like hit some of these previous things. There are times where I know I’m not reliable and I hope I probably do this badly, but I hope that I own it, that I accept that I’ve screwed up and then try to figure out how to make an amend or to sort it. Right. so integrity comes into here. It’s important to be reliable. It’s important to cultivate that, but it’s also important than to accept when you’re not. And then to do what can be done to repair that and to fix that as best as possible. I think you cannot be an adult man and not know the concept of reliability. This one, I think this one needs no explaining. Right?

    Brad Singletary (00:20:08):
    I agree with you again. There’s I look like what you’re saying about when you’ve fallen through, when you haven’t been reliable there’s language on that, you know, I dropped the ball on this one, this one’s on me. You didn’t deserve that. I sh I could have done better.

    Taco Mike (00:20:23):
    Another thing that I was kind of thinking about with these words, you’re, you’re teaching these very solid vocabulary points. Here’s something else. It doesn’t count when your apology is from place of victim hood. Have you ever heard an Impala? Do you know what I’m saying? I’m such a, like, I’m sorry. I’m such a loser. I don’t know what you know. I don’t know why you were so mad. I guess it’s my fault. I’m just a loser

    Brad Singletary (00:20:47):
    Was just the worst husband in the world.

    Taco Mike (00:20:49):
    Totally. I’m trying to like channel what it’s so pathetic. It’s so pathetic. I never do anything. Right. Totally. You hear that? You must hear that. Right? I’ve said that before. Never do anything, right. You know, I can never measure up to you. I can never, it’s always my fault. That is not accepting responsibility. There’s nothing alpha about that. I’m sorry. I’m digging at you for your past these past moments.

    Brad Singletary (00:21:15):
    But I deserve it, dude.

    Taco Mike (00:21:17):
    There was nothing attractive or interesting or alpha about any of that. Those apologies are worthless. They’re worthless. In fact, they do more harm than good. Just be quiet, shut your mouth. And I’ve done it. Look, I’ve done them too. So when that’s happening, there is, there is no yardage gain. There is no traction happening. That’s just, that’s dead air. Please stop that. If you’re that guy figure that out and please stop doing that. The people in your life are going to be grateful for it.

    Brad Singletary (00:21:46):
    So much of your power as a man really comes from whether or not you command respect. And that’s one of those things where that just completely SAPs any respect that drains any respect that you may have. It makes it all. You’re just clicking down a few notches. Your respect has just gone out the window when you’re making yourself a victim in your apology. So in being responsible, part of that is that you’re maybe serving other people. You’re helping other people. In some ways, you’re a rescuer of those who may need that because you have a duty. You’re a strong man and you can help others and lift others. But you have to be careful about that and have boundaries. So in being responsible, you know who to let in and who to leave out. Some people you let into your conversation. Some people you let into your personal, the details of your life and others, you don’t, you have to know really what that is.

    Brad Singletary (00:22:41):
    And that’s important when it comes to responsibility. One of my old bosses used to say, your allies can quickly become your adversaries. Your friend, that I heard this a dozen times in my career, the guy lets his buddy who just got laid off. He’s going through a divorce. He lets his buddies crash on the couch and he’s there for nine months, you know, ends up sleeping with his wife, you know? And, and, and no one can maybe predict those things, but without some sense of boundary, you can take responsibility to a level that’s unhealthy for you. And so knowing when to say, when, knowing how much to help knowing when not to get entangled or in meshed with perpetual victims, that’s important too. So you’re a responsible person you’re out there giving and loving and serving. And you throw a $20 bill at a homeless person, or you, or you invite someone over for a meal or, you know, whatever may be the case here, helping and serving.

    Brad Singletary (00:23:45):
    But you can take that too far. You can, you can pull yourself down with that. Sometimes I remember being at boy scout camp in the life saving merit badge, and they talked about, you know, if someone’s drowning, reach out with a stick, throw them a rope. You know, you don’t jump in there after them necessarily because they’re going to probably pull you down. So you, you can reach out to someone with a little bit of distance so that you’re not drown yourself. And that’s important in terms of an alpha being responsible, that you have boundaries, who to let in who to keep out what thoughts you have on that taco.

    Taco Mike (00:24:23):
    I like the analogy of the guy crashing on your couch. Metaphorically. We’ve probably been in a lot of situations like that. And you’ve got your wife and your kids are like, dad, get this idiot out of here. Like this is killing us. The longer you prolong that, then the worse it gets. And then the more disloyal that chore family believes you are being towards them. Because ultimately, who are you more responsible to? Who are you more loyal to your, you know, your old college roommate who granted is in a legit, hard up situation like that? Poor dude, you know, his wife, whatever he’s kicked out of the house. Okay. Bummer, bummer. That sucks. Now he’s bringing his suck Fest into your house. And now your house has turned into those suck Fest too. And then these people that you owe first position loyalty to their now second position.

    Taco Mike (00:25:07):
    Cause it’s, you’re basically demonstrating like, no, I like this guy better. I like this guy more. I love this guy more. So how that looks like is to just, you know, lay it down and be like, look Phil, like I dig you. We’re brothers. We’ll always be brothers, but we can’t do this anymore. Here’s a hundred bucks. I’m going to get you a week of hotels, whatever. Like I’m not going to kick her out on the street. But I think it’s going to require you as the alpha to figure out how you transition. And this is just one situation, but we’re basically talking about times and areas of life where you’ve gotten yourself into. You’ve gotten yourself stuck. How do you extricate? How do you get out of these situations? So that’s on the backside. If you have good boundaries, maybe this dude never comes into your house to begin with.

    Taco Mike (00:25:54):
    Maybe this dude lives in a tent in your backyard because you’re like, look, man, because maybe you’ve got a situation where you, you know, you just kind of understand the temperament of your wife. This has happened before. Like, and so, you know what happens when you let somebody in you’re too lax, you’re too gracious. You like bend over backwards. And then your wife ends up hating you and him and everything. So maybe the next time that comes along instead of this guy, even hitting your couch, you offer him a couch in the garage, or you offer him a spot in the backyard for a tent, or you just hook them up with a week of hotels. He doesn’t even come to your property. So these are all these, just examples of ways that you have, you have set a fence like who doesn’t have property, that they put a fence around, who doesn’t have a backyard with a fence who doesn’t have a house with a door.

    Taco Mike (00:26:39):
    That’s got a lock on it. Windows that have a lock windows that have on them. You’ve got a business and you’ve got property there. You’ve got a chain link fence. There’s barbed wire on top. You’ve got cameras who doesn’t set up all of those precautions to keep numbskulls out. And your buddy, Phil’s not a numbskull, but maybe your buddy Phil doesn’t belong in your house. So you don’t abandon them. So boundaries, that could be an Oprah word. Okay. Set up good boundaries for herself. But I’m just talking about it in terms of like logistics, the boundaries that a person can have for themselves are what are you what’s taught? What are you tolerate? And then do you understand the temperament of the people in your life to know like what their tolerance is? Because mine, I can tell you this. My tolerance is way lower than my wives.

    Taco Mike (00:27:22):
    I would have anybody come and stay with us at any old time. I would give probably almost anything away. Cause I’m too, maybe I’m a people pleaser. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe maybe I just don’t have the piece of DNA that sort of has those protections built in. I’m probably I’m at the extreme end of that. And so I’ve had people help me understand what, like better and more secure boundaries are. So why does this fit in responsibility? It fits in there because if you’re going to be responsible for yourself and the people in your life, then you have to figure out what you’re going to let into the tent. But an alpha realizes like he’s got to protect, you has to protect, you has to protect himself, his family, his situations. And he does that with figuring out what some of these boundaries are. So I think they think conceptually that’s what it means. So what it means to me,

    Brad Singletary (00:28:08):
    I worked at Catholic charities one time and I worked in the adoption program, but across the way was the the homeless shelter. You know, this was guys would come in at night. And this was for the most destitute, the poorest of the poor, the people in the most hopeless situation. And there were boundaries. They would get a breathalyzer when they came in at night at seven in the morning, you had to leave. You can’t just camp out there all day long. They have to clean up, they got to wash the sheets and everything. That was a good example to me, of boundaries. You can give and love and serve and make sacrifices and help people. But if you don’t have some rules in place and some framework for restriction, I guess, or where, where are the limits of this thing? It could, it can quickly get out of hand.

    Taco Mike (00:28:55):
    Yeah. There’s guidelines. So you’re bringing up some really, really interesting thought streams there. Like if you’ve got a, let’s see you’ve got a wife or a spouse, who’s a substance abuser and it’s causing great harm. Think about that. Children, people in business, people that you work with, think about ways that people can do you harm. And then how do you set up a framework of these are my tolerance. Like this is all I’m willing to tolerate. These are the base guidelines of this established relationship. And I will not tolerate or accept behavior actions be on this line. And what is the line and where do you draw it? And how does it get negotiated? These are tough conversations to have. There’s no right. Or there’s no absolute. They can’t be black and white. You can’t just in my opinion, I don’t think you can just say it can’t be ever this because I mean, there are some, again, it’s just so tough. Like you would say, there just can’t be certain sexual grievances. Like there are some things that have zero tolerance lines, but then others are going to be maybe gray or more fluid or move around or there’s going to be some forgiveness and renegotiation and just sort of like visit it again. These are hard conversations to have.

    Brad Singletary (00:30:17):
    The ability to say no and alpha knows how to do that. Sometimes the answer has to be no, sometimes the answer has to be, no, I can’t help you. Sometimes the best help is no help. So we have, while we have responsibility, I think some men are out there trying to save the world and trying to do too much. And they drown themselves in the process because they can’t say no. Or they can’t say here, I’ll throw you the, the buoy and I’ll pull you in.

    Taco Mike (00:30:43):
    That was really good about the Catholic charities. Yeah. Cause I can totally visualize, like you got to sign a contract probably to get in there. You got to blow. If you don’t like hit some of those bare minimum, it’s like, you’re not welcome here. Sorry. I don’t know what to tell you

    Brad Singletary (00:30:56):
    You know you have nothing. We know you have no other option, but this is still there. There’s still a rule. So we did an episode called wrong pole and it’s what the alpha, how the alpha responds when he is wrong. That’s a big part of responsibility is that sometimes you’re going to be wrong. And I believe that you have to admit when you’re wrong and then make amends for that. So some of this, frankly does in fact come right from the 12 step literature on, you know, promptly admitting when you’re wrong. There’s power in that. That seems counter-intuitive to your ego to admit when you’re wrong, you see these politicians and stuff. And anytime there’s any accusation, this is the type of stuff in that book. The 48 laws of power, you know, never admit, never admit to wrong, you know, never even give it any credibility. Don’t even answer the complaint because you, you lose your power. That’s not actual power. So admitting when you’re wrong, making a men’s Mike, I know that it’s something that you seem to do very well and that you’ve done a great deal of work in your own life with talk about that. Some admitting when you’re wrong, making amends.

    Taco Mike (00:32:11):
    I take guys down to Mexico from time to time. And I, and I, and I do it in a way that I think is beneficial to them. And to me specifically, especially anyway, and we go down and we have these experiences. And I, when, when I take guys down, there’s sort of like different levels of intensity, you know, with anything like sports or motorcycles or anything. You’ve got guys who are ultimate hardcore, and then guys who just, they just want to have like, you know, we want to go for a run, let’s go for like half mile run, then we’ll get lunch. Okay. And then you guys, you got guys who are like ultra marathoners, right? Okay. So there’s these big, broad spectrums then. And like, that’s how it is with anything. So earlier this year in the spring, I took some guys down and this was just a fun run.

    Taco Mike (00:32:52):
    This was, this was dudes who were affiliated friends. And there were, there were no sort of expectations on this trip. And I got us into trouble. I got us into a bad situation. The nuts and bolts of it is here’s just kind of a high-level view. We went down and these guys had been down previously the year before, and we was a fun run. It was super chill, great time emphasis on like beach riding and tacos. Fantastic. It was amazing. Prior to the trip, I sort of probed him a little bit and was like, Hey, do you guys want to like, click it up a notch? Should we make this a little more extreme? Should we like dig a little deeper? Should we take a bigger bite of the Apple? You guys, you guys up for that. And then the response was generally yes.

    Taco Mike (00:33:33):
    So I got a specific route from a guy who was a hardcore guy. So, so I’m going to right now admit, and I’ve done this to these guys. I freely and readily admit so many wrongs, so many mistakes, but the long and the short of it is, is I got, I got a trail from a guy who was his hardcore. It should have been a red flag. I missed it. I had plenty of opportunities to, to load in to the trip, other trails that were more in line with their previous experience, adding this into the mix, it exponentially upped the game. So guys come down with their machines and I can, it should be my judgment to decide and to observe whether machines are, you know, level one or level 10, like how capable is the equipment? How capable are the riders? So overriding my whole thought process. It was like, Oh, I want to go see this, this the guy that gave me this childlike, like, he’s a cool guy. He goes to cool places like this must be really cool. And he kind of sold it as, this is like a really wild adventure to go.

    Taco Mike (00:34:38):
    I had that in my head. I want to go, I want to go on and go. That’s very selfish of me and so much so that I sort of blew through common sense evaluations of like, who am I with and how are they feeling? And like, what’s the energy level of these guys. And I sort of selfishly decided unilaterally, like, I’m going to take us down this area and we’re going to go. It ended up going very badly. It required, ultimately required. So there was some dudes who just like hit the end of their physical and mental ability to be on that trip. Have you ever been somewhere, you know, you go to Disneyland, you go to Disneyland and I mean, no disrespect. I’m gonna, I’m gonna use this analogy. But I mean, no disrespect to anyone who is bonked, anyone who was hit the wall, but I just want you to have this visualization because I think it’s important.

    Taco Mike (00:35:26):
    I think it’s important to see. Not all of us have been around people who have had high level implosions. That’s a thing, you know, you’ve been in sports, you’ve been in football. Were you played college football? You, you know what it’s like to be on the field or to be on the practice court and to have somebody completely come apart. But right. You’ve seen that. Okay. Not all of us have. So the analogy looks like you’re in Disneyland and it’s the morning. And everybody’s having a great time. Everybody’s faces are clean. The kids are clean. The clothes are clean mid day. It begins to sort of get unraveled. The kids are not looking so sharp. They got food stains and sunburn sunburn. And the mom’s hair was once fluffy. Now it’s sort of like hanging down and the dad’s right his shoulders are kind of dragon.

    Taco Mike (00:36:15):
    And by like three, four cogs, right? You see it by like 4:00 PM. The kids show everywhere you look like every little family group kids are laying on the ground. They’re screaming. They’re like the mom’s dresses pulled off. Cause the kids are yanking on her skirt, the dads after this, why the hell do we come here? And the D just wants to like murder, suicide. The whole thing. Like it goes bad. Sometimes in life. There are these situations where the pressure ramps up the situation escalates difficulties and challenges escalate. And then like, there’s this exponential vector of how badly it goes and how quickly the X and Y axis, they sort of arc up, arc up, arc up. And then all of a sudden it just goes straight vertical. It goes from like this 30 degree up to just 90 degrees, straight up vertical. That’s like 4:00 PM at Disneyland.

    Taco Mike (00:37:14):
    So we’re in Mexico and it becomes increasingly more and more challenging. We end up not able to get to the destination on day one. And we have to camp in a little ranchers hut, which was amazing and beautiful and fantastic and a blessing. And we camped in this little ranchers hut because it was too difficult to get, to get out day two. We cannot get out the second day we have to go back. We have to retreat back to the ranchers hut. So we’re there the second day, there were some high level implosions, the Disneyland moment that happened at a very high level, which is my fault. I accept an own full responsibility that I put these dudes in a situation when the implosion happened and it did. I put them there. I put them in a situation in a state that pressured them beyond their ability.

    Taco Mike (00:38:08):
    And though in that moment to continue to endure, but that’s my fault. So it would be gaslighting. This is an example of gaslighting. If I then said, Oh, these guys suck. They couldn’t hang these couldn’t handle it. They couldn’t do it. They couldn’t endure like, you know, they just bonked out. They hit the wall, whatever that’s gaslighting, that’s me deflecting ownership and responsibility and saying, yeah, sucked. And these guys like wanted a tap out, but it’s their fault. No, it wasn’t their fault. My fault. I put them there. I did everything that got us to those points where those, you know, Disneyland moments happen. Those implosions happen. I put them there. So to me, admitting wrongs is difficult. It does not do my pride any. It does not. It is hard for me to own and accept. It does not do my pride any good.

    Taco Mike (00:39:10):
    And it may not do my business. I mean, it doesn’t do my reputation. It doesn’t do me any good to own and accept where I have screwed up at often, sometimes at very high levels, but it is essential and critical to me and my mental sanity to do that as painful as it is for me to say even own it, admit something like that. It’s more painful to my psyche because of who I’ve been as a person and the journey in life that I’ve traveled in the ways that I’ve really blown up and ruined my life. And in significant ways, it’s more destructive for me emotionally to pretend it didn’t happen to Gaslight, to like try to deflect. That causes me more pain than the pain of just being like. I did it. Do your vocabulary that you talked about earlier, owning it. I did this.

    Taco Mike (00:40:03):
    It’s my fault. It’s not their fault. Nothing that happened on that trip is their fault. It’s all my fault. And that how that story ended was w did some guys got on sat phones and bless it for that and called a dude’s dad who had a freaking helicopter. And that dude flew down. He flew from, I think Phoenix swooped in, got us out of there. It was amazing. It was incredible. Every part of that experience was incredible. And to me was a growth experience. And then afterwards I sat down and I decided that I was going to have any money spent that any of these dudes had spent in. I returned it, refunded it back out, paid huge amounts of money to have motorcycles taken out, settling up with the helicopter dude, just, I bled a ton of money to repair an amend and correct as best as I could that situation, I sat down and wrote an excruciating letter to these guys.

    Taco Mike (00:40:59):
    Just sort of like cutting open guts and be like, look, guys, I let you down. I messed up point by point. Like here’s a moment where I could have the outcome could have been different. I could have made a different choice, like click, click, click, click, click, just go down and then send it out to these guys at great personal cause. Like, you know what, again, now I’m kind of like thinking about ways to protect my ego. Again. I want to do that. I want, my default is to self preservation and protection, but that’s not who I want to be as a person. I want to, I want to be the kind of person who’s just as transparent as I can and own it and accept it. So the point of this, of your really great read nine topic here of what is the importance of meaning wrong and making amends.

    Taco Mike (00:41:44):
    I go to sleep with a clear and full conscience after this really terrible situation. And I am open if anybody, if any of the guys who were on the stripper associate with a trip feel otherwise, I asked to reach out to me because I would like to continue to make sure to correct where I can and have power to those situations in my life that ended up harming and creating harm because I seek not to create harm. Up here, you would even say that in one of your net, I don’t want to be a villain. I don’t want to blame. I don’t want to harm. I don’t want to be a villain. I don’t want to be a victim either. Like I’m not a victim of, of any of that. It costs a ton of money. Woo hoo. Like, so what, it’s my fault.

    Taco Mike (00:42:28):
    In my opinion, I think an alpha owns and accepts at personal cost and personal expense, any cost in any expense to repair an amend, as best as he can, and then accept the pain, the bullets, the, you know, whatever, whatever he incurs by that ownership. It’s his fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. So I own it. I take it, I accept it. What would, what would your life, what would my life look like if I didn’t care? What other people thought or said about me? That’s sort of like this constant thought that just reoccurs on my head many, many, many times. What does my life look like? If I just don’t care? What people say to me that is true. Freedom. Like you talk about freedom. If anybody ever uses the word freedom to me, what the word freedom looks like and feels like is I don’t care what I’m thought of. It’s irrelevant to me. What anybody’s thoughts or opinions are about me. So if this situation creates some sort of like negative I’m over ego, I guess I’m truly not. But I, the ideal is I would like to be past and beyond ego. So it doesn’t matter what people say.

    Brad Singletary (00:43:40):
    So I wonder if some of these guys, I don’t know if these were people you already knew or were they new to you? I bet some of those respect you a great deal for the way you handled that. Stephen Covey talked about, he had a contractor one time who really met ma messed up something major on a project, cost him, I don’t know, thousands of hundreds of thousands of dollars maybe. And he said that because the man owned it and corrected it. He used him in every project ever since from the, from that point forward because he took responsibility for it and he made it right. And I dunno, I just wonder if the way you handled that actually made guys. I bet you, you got some friends out of that, you know, more than enemies. I hope that that’s the case anyway, where they see where this was, maybe avoidable, but you took responsibility and, and made it right the best you could, including returning their and so forth.

    Brad Singletary (00:44:31):
    I sometimes our mistakes, the way we handle our mistakes, it really makes a difference in how people see us, the guy who’s defensive, the person who’s skirting the responsibility for it. That’s a person who is despised and hated, but when you can take ownership and really be responsible and do the right thing, I just think you gain a lot more respect that way. And I’m sure some of these guys come out of that with some, with more respect for you than, you know, because of how you, how you handled it, how you admitted it and how you took ownership, made it right.

    Taco Mike (00:45:08):
    There is this great concept in Christianity that talks about the Christianity. I believe anyway, that talks about how, you know, the concept of Jesus. And you don’t have to believe in Jesus to believe in this concept. It is, is that everyone is redeemable. Everyone can be redeemed in every situation can be redeemed. It doesn’t matter how bad, how terrible, how awful it doesn’t matter how the harm was and how deep the concept and the power of redemption and resurrection and forgiveness is so complete and so thorough that it is capable of redeeming anything I choose to live with that mindset. I choose to live through the concept of it being projected through Jesus. But again, you don’t have to believe in that Jesus story to accept the hopefulness of that concept. And there’s plenty of religions and, and ideals that sort of are based foundationally based around that. I would strongly suggest finding a faith tradition or developing heck create your own. Who’s not to say that my made up religion is any different, better or more wacky than your made up religion. It doesn’t matter who cares, but what is very, very redeeming on a soul level is to have, have a concept and to have a relationship with the power that looks like that.

    Taco Mike (00:46:41):
    So that you can look at yourself in the mirror, make amends, go to sleep and sleep well, knowing that these misdeeds, that this concept of ultimate forgiveness, that it will work out, that it will be fine. That in the end, somehow it will all be just fine. And I don’t have to fret. I don’t have to obsess. I don’t have to go around and do damage. You know, one of the thoughts that I had initially was like an, Oh dude, I started getting phone calls because the population of people that go to Mexico kind of on these levels is pretty small. And we all kind of know each other, dude, I got like a couple of calls from people who are like, dude telling me this story. Like it’s getting now, like everybody knows what happened and ego, self preservation. I was like, dude, I need to like try to figure out who’s knowing a damage control and maybe make some phone calls and try to explain.

    Taco Mike (00:47:28):
    And then I, just, to me, like, no, it doesn’t matter. It’ll it’ll all, it’s just fine. It’s fine. The more I try to get in there and do that, if my position really is just make amends and leave it alone, then me trying to like go in and damage control will invalidate that. So I don’t, I didn’t, I left it alone and I’ve had a view. I’ve had a couple of those phone calls and at the end of it, the one, one of them in particular, the guy was like, dude, been there, done that. I’ve had the same thing happened. It wasn’t quite, as, you know, my story didn’t quite go your way, but like been there, done that. So I’ve had some good validation of people sort of using my, the story of my crash and burn here in this instance to say like, yeah, that was, I’ve done that too. I think when we own our complete and catastrophic failures, I think it’s a super power. I really think that it’s very healing for me. Like the only way I can sleep at night is to do it like this. But I think it also is a super power and it’s energizing. And for people who who know they should live like that, but aren’t, but they hear a story like this and I’m like, why can’t I do that in my own life? In my own circumstances,

    Brad Singletary (00:48:41):
    I heard something recently. I think it was actually Jimmy Durbin who was talking about this too. Who’s saying that so much of our pain comes when our heart is closed. And in this case, I think when our heart is closed to our own failures and our own weaknesses and our own vulnerabilities and our own problems and the things that we’ve created that hurts, that hurts more than the pain of acknowledging it. If we can just be honest and tell the truth and come clean and admit when we’re wrong and just kind of be humble about that. It seems to work out there’s freedom in it. It sounds like that’s what you’ve found is some, some freedom. You felt, you found some freedom by doing the right thing. It’s cost you a lot of money. You cost you some worry. Of course, you don’t want to upset these guys who are your friends, but you you have some freedom from this now. It seems like.

    Taco Mike (00:49:41):
    I agree. And it can cause you friendships too. I mean, the reality is I haven’t really spoken with these dudes since, and they may never want to have anything to do with me again. And I just said, you have to be okay with that. Like I can’t go in and damage control. And these are hard things to live with. I may have screwed a relationship that’s dead and done and buried. These are all hard things to accept and to deal with. I believe this is what we do as alphas is we, we endeavor to continually do the next right thing at whatever personal cost is incurred. It th the personal cost is irrelevant. Who cares? How much money, who cares, how much time. So what, there are just things in life that are just going to cut you and you’re going to bleed some, you’re just going to bleed out. It’s just going to happen and let it bleed, you know, bleed it, put the tourniquet on it and start the healing, but there’s going to be blood on the ground. It’s just going to happen. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen. You can’t, you can’t look away. Sometimes you just have to look at the blood on the ground and be like, that’s mine. I did that. Where do we go from here?

    Brad Singletary (00:50:43):
    I’m curious, Mike, about your, did you have people that influenced your choices on that? Did you open up to the situation to trusted friends or loved ones or whatever to, to kind of say, Hey, this is what’s happened. What should I do? I mean, did you just intuitively know you’ve done a lot of work. You’d know how to approach these things already as a very mature man, but did you have others helping you make the decision about the next right thing? Sometimes we don’t know what that is. Did you have, did you get some opinions?

    Taco Mike (00:51:17):
    Yes, I did. And I hope, look, I hope that this doesn’t sound like Pat me on the back. I do not, I do not want this to be a hero moment for me because I’m not the hero here. The hero is the dude in the helicopter who came and got us the hero or the dudes who, you know, sucked it up and endured and like had great attitudes. And in spite of the terrible situation that I had gotten us into the heroes of this story are those dudes who like chinned up and nut it up and manned up and just, just kept on keeping on those guys are the heroes. I’m, I’m the villain here. So I just want to say that. I just want to verbalize that, but to, to your question, The

    Taco Mike (00:52:02):
    Yeah, so I called, I have a handful of dudes that I keep in my back pocket, who are, who are sounding boards. One of them, I think you’ll have in soon, Justin Mackie, I got ahold of him and a couple other dudes. And I just say like, look, high level here’s, here’s what went down like, this is my thinking on the matter, can you help, you know, influence and correct, and, and guide as, as this, you know, gets navigated another, another solid buddy, Ben Baki who was with me on this whole trip, solid, solid dude. He was my right-hand man. Great sounding board, great wisdom, great insight. So I think it’s imperative and essential that as, as, as a guy just levels up and alphas up and just continues to like grow in his own life. That can’t happen unless you are bull worked and buttressed and surrounded by dudes who, you know, always have their back. But then I think are just, you look up to like, they’re better skilled and better equipped than you. And hopefully you can be that to somebody and somebody can be that to you.

    Brad Singletary (00:53:06):
    So that’s being a man that is an unfortunate situation. It sounded like, but you did the right thing. Great example. Another reason why I trust you with the things that I shared with you about my life, and I lean on you the way I do and why I want you to be a part of this whole movement here. So thanks for sharing that, man. The last thing here is about things that we can’t change and changing the unacceptable things that we can. Again, another 12 step thing, kind of from the serenity prayer, talk about acceptance, recognizing the difference between what we can change and not change so much of what happens in life. We really do have options. There really are things that we can do about that. Knowing, knowing, which is which that’s, what takes wisdom.

    Taco Mike (00:53:56):
    Aren’t there a lot of guys who are confused about accepting and settling, because I think one of the things that confuses dudes is the, the fine line between accepting the situations that you’re in, that you’ve caused or you’re in and just laying down and letting it wash over you. And just then being a mat and saying, we’ll go, well, this is my life. What can I do that? Acceptance is not the same use of the same word. When we talk about accepting things, you can’t change, changing, unacceptable things. You can, the way you have worded it. You’re the wordsmith, the way you’ve worded it here helps illustrate and illuminate the difference between laying down and letting your circumstances. You’re just a floormat to your circumstances versus accepting the reality that you are, where you are. This is just, this is just my life. And then I’m going to set about, and task myself with changing the unacceptable things as I can. How did you, you, you phrased that, that’s your writing? How did you,

    Brad Singletary (00:55:10):
    Well, some things, we, some things we have to accept and just literally back to the language again, we’d have to just say, this is my reality and I accept it. And maybe there’s nothing that can be done about it, but so many things that are unacceptable. Like, I don’t know my weight, my health, my financial situation, my, my relationships whatever’s going on in your life. There are some things that you, that aren’t okay with you, but you have the ability, you got some power, you have the option to do something about it. And so I think that’s just, that’s what I’m saying. It’s just that some things we really just have to let go of and other things we’ve got to zip up, put her boots on and get with it

    Taco Mike (00:55:56):
    Actually, this is tough to do. It’s this concept of being a realist and saying like, this is my situation and it sucks, but not being willing to then just arrest and stay there. So it’s this interesting dynamic. It’s this conceptual dynamic of this is my life. This is who I am. This is the body I’m in. Or this is the money that I have in the bank. Like here it is, stopping the denial with the pretending with the, the blaming, like accepting at that level. That’s what we’re talking about. Just slow your roll for a second and be like, this is where we’re at. This is who you are. And then that’s not stopping. That’s just acknowledging so that you can like ch again, slow your roll. Like just calm down for a second and just be like, okay, it sucks. This is where you are. And then once you’ve sort of like acknowledged that then, okay, what do we do now, calmly with, with a great forethought, Karen reason, how do we go pass this point? How do we move past this? Because previous to acceptance is denied. Like, what are some of the, some of the words to describe that?

    Brad Singletary (00:57:09):
    Yeah. Denial, defensiveness. I mean, there’s so many of those blaming others, a deflection.

    Taco Mike (00:57:15):
    Anger about it, panic about it, anxiety, all that. I’ve seen good success with that for me. And then with other people, once you just get to that point of acceptance, then you just turn off the volume and the, and the clatter of anger and denial. You just sort of like, that just needs to go away. Like you just need to stop with that. Does that make sense? Does that, does that what happened?

    Brad Singletary (00:57:38):
    That’s exactly right. Yeah. That’s you can’t really think it through to the next right thing. If you’re not acknowledging the truth of your situation. In one of our episodes, we talked about the little phrase alpha up and you kind of coined that. And what does that mean? And you said, it’s accepting where you are, but that you can choose your way forward. Something along those lines. You, you accept the sucky situation that you’re in, but that you don’t have to stay there. And even if the only actionable thing is a change in your attitude or a change in your interpretation of the event, a change in how you see yourself or other people that may be all that you can do. Your only action may be forgiveness. This may not be undoable. This may not be something that you reverse, but it may be about forgiveness. It may be about taking a step. Again, we’re talking about amends, I guess maybe this is you’re making a men’s with your own self, your value as a person, but sometimes there’s action that can be taken. That’s preventing this thing from happening in the future. Sometimes it’s preparing in a different way so that this doesn’t recur again.

    Taco Mike (00:58:57):
    When I was down there in that Valley with those dudes in Mexico, one of the things I was not doing that I am guilty of is not fully accepting like the full weight and severity of our situation. I think it should be noted. And this is, I’m not trying to, I’m not trying to justify anything, but I think it should be noted that we were in a situation that was dire and bad. We did have shelter. We had food, we had fuel. We didn’t have injuries, had no mechanical situations. So my level of denial or my inability to accept our situation, I was operating from a standpoint of, I’m a tough guy. I’m a, bad-ass so ego. We’re not lost. We have gas, we have food. We’ve got water. Like my sense of like unwillingness to accept was that to me, these are all wins in our column.

    Taco Mike (00:59:46):
    Yeah. We have a few negatives. We’re tired. We’re discouraged. You know, those are definitely negatives, but I’m looking at it from a standpoint of like, I got more money in the bank, then I got more credits and debits. So we’re good. The reality is is no, we’re not good. There are dudes who are not seeing it from my perspective. And so my inability to see the lay of the land created a situation where I wasn’t accepting the reality of the situation. And I was continuing to make it worse. So acceptance often. And I say this, and I sound like I it’s, as if I’m doing these things, I’m not doing these things most, so many of these things, please write in, you know what I’m saying? Like, dude, you can pin me where I’m a hypocrite on most of the, almost all of this. I’m an absolute boldface outright hypocrite because I’m not doing most of the things I’ve talked about.

    Taco Mike (01:00:42):
    Most of the things, these ideals that we’re describing here, I’m not doing a ton of these and I get them wrong and screw them up more often than I get them. Right. That’s does not invalidate the fact that I want to and I try to, and I endeavor to, so to me, accepting and settling are two very, very different things. Accepting what acceptance would have looked like then was to just stop trying guys, just one more Hill, like, look, we’re, we’re almost there. You know, like that’s my mindset. My mindset is like, I got gas and keep pushing. Like, let’s just keep going guys. You know, there’s a little bit more daylight like that. We can just get over this Hill. And I bet you will be able to see, like at some point I just needed to like stop and just accept. And I just didn’t have the ability to do that because I was just too stupidly optimistic or ego or whatever.

    Taco Mike (01:01:36):
    But the reality is I needed to just sit down sometimes just, you know, wave a flag and just be like, it’s done and let maybe somebody else. And what ended up happening is my good buddy, Nick, my brother, Nick, who was on the trip. He stepped in with the next cooler head, like of, of the hierarchy of cool heads. It should have been me that had the coolest head make sense word picture. But I didn’t because I was delusional. I hadn’t accepted the reality of the moment. Thankfully, the next coolest head, Nicki stepped up and was like, okay, I’m going to take over. I had to, then now here was a moment I had to check my ego because my ego was like, no, no, no, I’m the leader. I’m the guy you can’t like, this is my trip. Like you can’t, you can’t, you can’t now call the shots.

    Taco Mike (01:02:24):
    I have to call the shots. I had to no joke. I had to walk around where no one could see me. And I fricking like kicked a rock. I kicked the ground. I like punched the air because I had just work out the energy of like, no, I gotta lay down. I gotta give it up. Like, I’m, I’m defeated. This, this moment has defeated me. I have no more tools in the till. Like I’m done, I got to call it. I got to wave the flag. And I did. I went around the corner. Did that came back? And then I basically like in an essence, I don’t know that I said this, but in essence, my mindset was like it, Nick, from here on it’s your trip, like you have proven leadership. You’ve demonstrated like you got a hold of a guy with a helicopter.

    Taco Mike (01:03:01):
    Like I couldn’t do that. You now are running the program. And I respect that and defer to you and will acquiesce to decisions and shots that you think are best and most prudent to the situation. And my ego was just screaming just on fire. Like this can happen. And there were plenty of even moments where like my brain is just like, pull it back. No, no, no. Like retract again. I did not say that verbally. I did that. I don’t remember that. And then Nick may correct me and maybe I did, but I don’t remember that. But this was my mindset of like, you got the controls, Nick, like it’s yours.

    Brad Singletary (01:03:43):
    That seems like the most alpha thing of the whole story. What you’re saying right now, just kind of hand over the reins and to, to acknowledge I’m past the point of no return in a way, because I’m stuck in my I’m stuck in self or whatever it is like that that’s the hero moment to me when you released it, when that’s, when you really gained control is when you relinquished it to someone else that paradox of control, it’s it just, it’s something that keeps coming up. I love that you did that, man. That’s to me because he’s, you’re saying he ha he’s less invested with his ego. He comes in there and great ending to that, that, you know, gave him the authority, I guess, that you want it to retain for yourself. That’s powerful. That was a responsible thing for you to do.

    Taco Mike (01:04:30):
    I had to do it because he, he showed leader. Like the dude stepped up, the dude stepped up made, was making things happen where I was failing to make things happen and forever and ever that moment, like I have this great captured photograph in my brain of like Nick kind of standing on a Knoll that this is like very sort of emblematic of the moment. He’s on a little rock over us. We’re down here, he’s up there. And the sun I’m trying to pay, Hey, this word picture of like the sun is behind him. The light is behind him. And it’s sort of like shining through him. And I just felt like I need to just stand down. Like, Nick’s got this, he’s in charge now. And that again, my ego is like, I don’t want to do this. This can’t happening, but it had to happen.

    Taco Mike (01:05:19):
    So maybe you’re right. Maybe it is very essential for the alpha to sometimes wave a flag and be like, I’m not alpha right now. Like I can’t do it. I’m too exhausted. I’m too whatever. And to hand it over to somebody who then becomes the alpha and at different points, one of my favorite phrases, Lee Iacocca, he used to say, lead follow or get out of the way. And in that moment I could no longer lead. And so I needed to get out of the way and then follow. And we got out of there and that experience is going to inform me and teach me and carry me forever. Like there will no doubt be moments of leadership in the future that will look and feel just like that. And I will tap into that. And so the, the time and money that, that experience cost is more valuable than any seminar. I could’ve spent my, you know, think about money. You spend on going to a trade show or you take a class or whatever. That’s what I did. I took a class, I paid some money. I took a class, whatever big deal.

    Brad Singletary (01:06:25):
    And I love that as the final point here, I guess, of this whole thing about responsibility, recognizing your limitations, owning it, handing it over, sometimes doing the next right thing. This has been, this has been awesome. Mike, good to have you back, brother. We’re already talking about some other shows that we’ve got planned. We appreciate you being with us until next time. No excuses. About that. Oh.

    Speaker (01:06:51):
    Gentlemen you are the alpha is the Alpha Quorum.

     

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