ALPHA SHOT: One-minute Sample

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Taco Mike (00:00:00):
Difficulties and challenges escalate that happened, which is my fault. I accept an own full responsibility. I put them there. It doesn’t count when your apology is from place of victimhood. Those apologies are worthless. In fact, they do more harm than good. It’s more destructive for me to pretend didn’t happen, to gaslight, to try to deflect. That causes me more pain than the pain of just being like. I did it. I don’t want to be a villain. I don’t want to blame. I don’t want to harm. I don’t want to be a victim either.

Brad Singletary (00:00:34):
If we can just tell the truth and come clean and admit when we’re wrong, it seems to work out. There’s freedom in it.

Taco Mike (00:00:41):
When we own our complete and catastrophic failures, I think it’s a super power.

Brad Singletary (00:00:47):
That’s super alpha. Where are you going to start? You got to have some people around you who can guide you. You need to be asking for that. You need to go intentionally seeking it,

Taco Mike (00:00:56):
Continually do the next right thing.

Intro (00:01:07):
If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better. You are in the right place. You are responsible. You are strong. You are a leader. You are a force for good gentlemen. You are the alpha, and this is the Alpha Quorum.

Brad Singletary (00:01:32):
Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum Show. Brad Singletary here. I’m so glad to be back with my buddy Taco Mike tonight, we wanted to talk about responsibility. So an alpha is responsible. He does good. It admits his wrongs and makes amends. And he accepts the things that he can’t change and changes the unacceptable things that he can. So let’s get started here tonight, man, you were talking about tools and Mike, I got to tell you that one of your best tools is your language. So you’re very articulate. You’ve got this sophisticated way of communication and it’s very good. It’s simple, but in terms of your self growth and your like personal development, the healing and the things that you’ve done in recovery and all that you’ve worked at in your life, you have great language. And when I think about the language of responsibility, it takes being able to say certain kinds of things.

Brad Singletary (00:02:34):
So I wish I could remember off the top of my head, some of the things that you’ve said, but I remember him. One of the, I think it was the solo podcast that you did about confidence. And you just said, you know, I’m the kind of person who can figure this out. I’m the kind of person who can take this. I’m the kind of person who can learn from my situation. You’ve used things like, Hey, I’m, I’m just an idiot. I’m just a dirt bag. I’m just whatever. And the way you talk about yourself, the way you talk about the things that you need to do, it’s very impressive. Like the way you describe your faults, your, your past mistakes and failures, the way you talk about what you’re still trying to do. So I think one of the tools going back to tools, one of the tools that men need is how to talk about their own responsibilities, how to talk about their failures, how to talk about what it is they need to be accountable for. How do you, how have you gained some of that magic language? Where did you get it from?

Taco Mike (00:03:44):
You’re ha you’re too nice. I need to come back here more just so I can have you say nice things about me, which I do not deserve, but appreciate that. The thing I think that’s, I think everybody needs to figure out a language that works for them. Here’s an example. Most people know that I am Mormon, but I’m not a very good one because most of what happens in organized religions and especially in Mormonism, it doesn’t work for me. And it doesn’t resonate with me. And I remember the moment that I sort of accepted that there was something happening and someone’s reading. We all have a Bible in our house. Most of us have a King James version Bible in our house that doesn’t do crap for me. I could sit down and read that, and it does not chime to me. And a lot of us also have a prayer language that we’re supposed to use, like our, our religion or our denomination imprints on us, sort of a format or a structure.

Brad Singletary (00:04:49):
Here’s the template for praying

Taco Mike (00:04:52):
Bingo and some of us went out on missions for churches that had little flip cards that told people you’re supposed to do it this way. This is what God likes, any other way, God doesn’t like it. And I remember sitting in, in a Mormon meeting one time and someone’s reading from the King James Bible. And it just, I got nothing. It meant nothing to me. And it just, something in my brain just went click. Then don’t read that, get a different version. What’s to stop. What’s who’s why don’t you just go on and find some other version that’s got like a more, a better, easier to understand format. And then, and then I remember one time defending against this was, this was earlier, but I remember one time somebody sort of, well, I think I was on my mission and somebody said, Oh no, you know, I don’t know that I want to use this official Mormon Bible, the King James, because I use this other one.

Taco Mike (00:05:44):
And then we had to talk them out of that and tell them, no, this is the only one that’s approved. Cause anything else in there could be a shadow off of the truth or whatever. Who cares? I don’t care. Please write me a letter, please, please disabuse me of this. But, but I don’t care. What I do care about is the intimacy, the relationship, the feeling, the vibe that I have with Jesus. I care about that. I don’t give a rat’s about whether you use this Bible or that Bible I care. And I just remember in my brain, just this moment that like, I’m over it, I’m over reading a Bible. I don’t understand I’m over praying with words that don’t make any sense to me that don’t, don’t reflect who I am as a person or how I talk. It felt like I was having a third party interaction with this deity that I, that I did want to have an interaction and a relationship with.

Taco Mike (00:06:34):
And I just, I was over it and I was done and I never looked back and it has allowed me to, to grow and to evolve and deepen sort of that whole relationship part of who I am as a person. It’s a weird way to answer your question. Here’s the punchline. I think, I think that when people don’t feel comfortable in their own skin, they hunt around for language. They hunt around. For words, I think it’s about being confident and comfortable with who you are as a person. And if there’s, if, if someone has hangups, if somebody has baggage, if somebody has these you’re inauthentic, which is kind of one of those Oprah ways of saying like, you’re really not who you are, like, you’re sort of Shu your life. May you may be living this life. That’s not really your life. You’re just sort of stuck in this situation, in this world that it’s not who you are.

Taco Mike (00:07:26):
And you’re just trying to fake it till you make it please. Everyone else kind of, and if one of these days, if you get some balls and you just sort of like realize what does and what doesn’t work and figure out how to make it your own then you could like flower, like it could that’s again, a drop back the Oprah it’s Oprah talk, stop me, please write me an email and tell me to stop doing this. I’m trying not to do that. If you figure that out, there we go. That’s how you say it. Then I believe anyone and everyone can just sort of like freaking come on fire. And maybe your gift is language. Maybe that’s mine, but maybe your gift is something else. And if you can sort of like light up with who you are as a person, people are going to resonate with that.

Taco Mike (00:08:19):
People are going to appreciate that. They’re going to value that. And then you are adding alpha value into your community. And so you’re adding that into your family, whatever, maybe it’s, you know, it’s music, maybe it’s, I don’t know. I’m just getting weird here. Maybe it’s sports, maybe it’s whatever who knows. But I just think when you really become who, the person, you are, your little DNA cells who you are in there and you stop with all the nonsense pretending, then you just become, you’re just lit up. And so maybe that’s a long, sorry for that. But maybe that’s how I explain it.

Brad Singletary (00:08:51):
I love itt. And just the example of talking about prayer language and stuff like that. I’ve heard Mike pray before and here’s how he starts it. Well, God, it’s us again. It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s the, some of you been around Mike and ways that you’ve heard him pray before, but anyway, that’s that I love what you’re saying. And I think this is a message that I’m, I’m receiving in multiple areas of my life right now, but language. Yes, that’s that is a gift that you have. And you’re saying if a man really comes to terms with who he is and he’s living authentically as himself, he’s keeping it real, then he will know the things that he needs to say. It’s interesting. It’s an interesting way to look at it, such a deep way to talk about that. I’m curious about the guy who would say the words, you know, he needs to take responsibility for something he, but he’s never, he’s never uttered the words my bad.

Brad Singletary (00:09:54):
He’s never apologized to someone before because of pride or ego or because of whatever, the reason he just can’t say the words he’s, he’s never said it before. And so to say it out loud to kind of practice it out loud. That’s something that I do with people sometimes repeat after me say these things and it becomes, it’s kind of locked in now as a tool that I’ve used before. And I can go back to what are the words of responsibility. And maybe what we can do here for a minute is just kind of go back and forth and rattle off a bunch of words that we say, or that we’ve heard men say, when they’re taking responsibility for their own life, their own outcomes, their own situations, not seeing themselves as a victim. What are the words that we need to learn to use in order to take responsibility?

Taco Mike (00:10:46):
They seem obvious don’t they? That question deserves a little bit of searching to try to come up with a good vocabulary. Are there guys out there that just don’t have those words?

Brad Singletary (00:10:56):
They just don’t, they don’t, they, they don’t have the words. They don’t even have the recognition that they need that they’re missing those, that language. I think I’ve heard people say things like, you know, this one’s on me. I don’t know. Maybe it was a coach that you know, I was on a team and we lost a game or whatever. And the coach would say, and the coach is not on the field, but the coach would say, guys, this one’s on me. This was on the planning. This was on the strategy this week. This one’s on me. That is that’s, that’s super alpha. That’s that’s taking back the leadership almost. That’s almost kind of saying it’s just powerful to acknowledge your role in things. This one’s on me, my fault. I did it. I did it. You’re right. You’re right. Is a, is a powerful one to just say, you’re right. I get what you’re saying. I get, I get it. That’s true. That’s language. You’re right. This is true. This is true. That did happen or

Taco Mike (00:11:57):
I did do that thing. I did. That’s my fault. I own it. I can own that. That’s a good, that’s a really good one. I can own that. Okay.

Brad Singletary (00:12:06):
I don’t that I can take responsibility for that. Yeah.

Taco Mike (00:12:09):
What you’re saying is, is, is landing. Yeah. This is, you know, that concept of like cognitive dissonance, where your brain just can’t process. Valerie. One time, Valerie demic. One time I asked her kind of about cognitive dissonance, where your brain has to separate, like you’re conscious and your subconscious, your subconscious. I was asking Valerie one time about somebody who was like smacked upside the head with truth, that they were not prepared to receive. She said, she’s had people black out, pass out, go dark, the lights, turn off because they’re confronted with something that they’re, sub-conscience like their inner being. They know that’s true. But the, you know, the layer where they operate the public self, the persona self, like that self can’t deal. And so like the, the circuits just jammed and she’s like, she’s like, yeah, on one or two occasions, I’ve just had somebody like tilt over and pass out.

Brad Singletary (00:13:12):
Yes. Popped a breaker. The breaker broke.

Taco Mike (00:13:16):
That’s so funny. Exactly. Right? Like tilt, like their eyes rolled back, tilt, ding, ding, ding, ding. And they just went to sleep. I remember once upon a time when I was a total piece of garbage person, my wife or other people confronting me with things that my sub-conscience had to accept a new what’s true. But my operational system, you know, this, this image that I’m projecting, that person did not want to face that. And I remember my sort of emo would be to just have this blue deer in the headlights, look just this like a blank stare. And I’ve seen that I’ve seen so many people do that and I completely get it. I completely understand. It’s where you’re confronted with the reality that you are unwilling. I am unwilling to accept. It’s true. And I know it’s true, but my persona is not going to let that be true. I’m not going to speak. I’m not going to say I’m not going to acknowledge. I continue to deflect and hide out of fear. And I’m an deer in the headlights. Have you ever seen that look? Yeah.

Brad Singletary (00:14:22):
Yeah. It’s like, it’s like, you’re sparking, like you touch the ends of the jumper cables together. It’s just short, short now.

Taco Mike (00:14:32):
So when you, when you see somebody sitting in a chair, like you probably have this all the time, you’re talking to somebody and you’re just sort of like presenting to them like this is it. This is the reality of a situation. And they’re just like, they they’re void the eyes. Just like don’t run nothing registers.

Brad Singletary (00:14:47):
I love how you’re validating this because I think it’s such a common thing even then may be a way to respond to that. Like I need a minute, you know, I want to consider what you’re saying. This is shocking to my system. Let me, let me, let me consider this for a minute. Let me write it down. Let me process this. I wanna, I wanna see where you’re coming from. I’m feeling a little defensive about it right now, but I want to get there. I wanna, I can let me ponder this a little bit and see if I can understand more about your perspective.

Taco Mike (00:15:23):
Genius. That’s super powerful. I did not. I was not equipped once upon a time I was not equipped. I just went deer in the headlights and then I probably gas lit and then probably tried to dance. And probably what I did was like overpower like dominance, maybe like raised voice or whatever, but that’s all just, that’s all just me, my ego. Not allowing reality to be there. So those are really good. Those are really good. That’s really good coaching.

Brad Singletary (00:15:49):
I really like what you just said there about, I wasn’t, I wasn’t skilled. I didn’t have the capability to do that once upon a time. How did he get there? You guys, he opened himself up to a tribe. He opened himself up to professionals. He opened himself up to the people in his life that he loves and he learned a lesson. That is all. Those are just such good examples. I love that. I love how you talk about the way that you’ve grown. I didn’t know how to do that at one point. And now I’ve learned some things. I’ve got tools. You talk about tools a lot. So, so language, yeah. You might need some help with some language. We’ve shared a few thoughts there about some of those. I’m trying to think of there are others…

Taco Mike (00:16:35):
And it’s okay to like admit defeat, like you’re listening to this and it’s okay to just say, like I suck at that. I don’t do any of those things. I don’t know how to do those things. I don’t operate at that level. Okay, cool. Like fine. Just own it. Just say whatever and figure out ways that you can. I think we’ve, you’ve talked about this many times, see a shrink talk to your tribe, figure something out, have a beer with your buddies and then ask them what they do when somebody is like in your face with something that they don’t really want to like, have a, have a pizza and a beer and like talk to talk to other dudes about this specialty specifically dudes, you know, who are going to give good advice and who have good wisdom to share. Okay. So if you’ve got friends and you go and ask F from the perspective, you want revalidation of you being a Dick, like, okay, that’s a bad move. You need to like level up. And maybe heck maybe this is exposing the reality that you don’t have many friends who have leveled up. I’m sure you do. But maybe this is a good way to realize. I need to, like, sometimes you go down these rabbit holes and they expose so much, that’s just not good in your life, but where are you gonna start?

Brad Singletary (00:17:46):
Yeah. Most of the times in my life, when I’ve been the most irresponsible. And when I saw myself as a, as a victim or when I was being the villain, all of those had to do with me doing it alone. No one had any idea about the choices I was making. No one had any idea. I wouldn’t dare let anyone know how I handled certain circumstances. And so great point again about, you got to have some capable men around you who can who can guide you. You need to be asking for that. You need to go intentionally seeking it and get connected that way.

Brad Singletary (00:18:26):
So one of the things under responsibility is that he’s reliable. He follows through, he keeps his promises. You know, you’ve heard about the, kind of the cliche thing where the, you know, the parents are divorced and the dad is supposed to pick up the kid and the kid’s sitting by the window on a Friday. You know, he’s just waiting for dad to come and pick him up. And that just never happens if there’s any just disgusting habit that men have. It’s not following through in my mind, especially when it comes to your loved ones, especially if you’ve promised something, especially if this has to do with, you know, your children, but even on your job, even in, even in things with, you know, friends or neighbors or whatever that you may be involved with to be reliable, that’s pretty alpha, you know, just doing what, doing what you agreed to do. What about reliability?

Taco Mike (00:19:22):
Those are all good. I also think that it’s important when you’re not reliable. Again, maybe we circle back and we kind of like hit some of these previous things. There are times where I know I’m not reliable and I hope I probably do this badly, but I hope that I own it, that I accept that I’ve screwed up and then try to figure out how to make an amend or to sort it. Right. so integrity comes into here. It’s important to be reliable. It’s important to cultivate that, but it’s also important than to accept when you’re not. And then to do what can be done to repair that and to fix that as best as possible. I think you cannot be an adult man and not know the concept of reliability. This one, I think this one needs no explaining. Right?

Brad Singletary (00:20:08):
I agree with you again. There’s I look like what you’re saying about when you’ve fallen through, when you haven’t been reliable there’s language on that, you know, I dropped the ball on this one, this one’s on me. You didn’t deserve that. I sh I could have done better.

Taco Mike (00:20:23):
Another thing that I was kind of thinking about with these words, you’re, you’re teaching these very solid vocabulary points. Here’s something else. It doesn’t count when your apology is from place of victim hood. Have you ever heard an Impala? Do you know what I’m saying? I’m such a, like, I’m sorry. I’m such a loser. I don’t know what you know. I don’t know why you were so mad. I guess it’s my fault. I’m just a loser

Brad Singletary (00:20:47):
Was just the worst husband in the world.

Taco Mike (00:20:49):
Totally. I’m trying to like channel what it’s so pathetic. It’s so pathetic. I never do anything. Right. Totally. You hear that? You must hear that. Right? I’ve said that before. Never do anything, right. You know, I can never measure up to you. I can never, it’s always my fault. That is not accepting responsibility. There’s nothing alpha about that. I’m sorry. I’m digging at you for your past these past moments.

Brad Singletary (00:21:15):
But I deserve it, dude.

Taco Mike (00:21:17):
There was nothing attractive or interesting or alpha about any of that. Those apologies are worthless. They’re worthless. In fact, they do more harm than good. Just be quiet, shut your mouth. And I’ve done it. Look, I’ve done them too. So when that’s happening, there is, there is no yardage gain. There is no traction happening. That’s just, that’s dead air. Please stop that. If you’re that guy figure that out and please stop doing that. The people in your life are going to be grateful for it.

Brad Singletary (00:21:46):
So much of your power as a man really comes from whether or not you command respect. And that’s one of those things where that just completely SAPs any respect that drains any respect that you may have. It makes it all. You’re just clicking down a few notches. Your respect has just gone out the window when you’re making yourself a victim in your apology. So in being responsible, part of that is that you’re maybe serving other people. You’re helping other people. In some ways, you’re a rescuer of those who may need that because you have a duty. You’re a strong man and you can help others and lift others. But you have to be careful about that and have boundaries. So in being responsible, you know who to let in and who to leave out. Some people you let into your conversation. Some people you let into your personal, the details of your life and others, you don’t, you have to know really what that is.

Brad Singletary (00:22:41):
And that’s important when it comes to responsibility. One of my old bosses used to say, your allies can quickly become your adversaries. Your friend, that I heard this a dozen times in my career, the guy lets his buddy who just got laid off. He’s going through a divorce. He lets his buddies crash on the couch and he’s there for nine months, you know, ends up sleeping with his wife, you know? And, and, and no one can maybe predict those things, but without some sense of boundary, you can take responsibility to a level that’s unhealthy for you. And so knowing when to say, when, knowing how much to help knowing when not to get entangled or in meshed with perpetual victims, that’s important too. So you’re a responsible person you’re out there giving and loving and serving. And you throw a $20 bill at a homeless person, or you, or you invite someone over for a meal or, you know, whatever may be the case here, helping and serving.

Brad Singletary (00:23:45):
But you can take that too far. You can, you can pull yourself down with that. Sometimes I remember being at boy scout camp in the life saving merit badge, and they talked about, you know, if someone’s drowning, reach out with a stick, throw them a rope. You know, you don’t jump in there after them necessarily because they’re going to probably pull you down. So you, you can reach out to someone with a little bit of distance so that you’re not drown yourself. And that’s important in terms of an alpha being responsible, that you have boundaries, who to let in who to keep out what thoughts you have on that taco.

Taco Mike (00:24:23):
I like the analogy of the guy crashing on your couch. Metaphorically. We’ve probably been in a lot of situations like that. And you’ve got your wife and your kids are like, dad, get this idiot out of here. Like this is killing us. The longer you prolong that, then the worse it gets. And then the more disloyal that chore family believes you are being towards them. Because ultimately, who are you more responsible to? Who are you more loyal to your, you know, your old college roommate who granted is in a legit, hard up situation like that? Poor dude, you know, his wife, whatever he’s kicked out of the house. Okay. Bummer, bummer. That sucks. Now he’s bringing his suck Fest into your house. And now your house has turned into those suck Fest too. And then these people that you owe first position loyalty to their now second position.

Taco Mike (00:25:07):
Cause it’s, you’re basically demonstrating like, no, I like this guy better. I like this guy more. I love this guy more. So how that looks like is to just, you know, lay it down and be like, look Phil, like I dig you. We’re brothers. We’ll always be brothers, but we can’t do this anymore. Here’s a hundred bucks. I’m going to get you a week of hotels, whatever. Like I’m not going to kick her out on the street. But I think it’s going to require you as the alpha to figure out how you transition. And this is just one situation, but we’re basically talking about times and areas of life where you’ve gotten yourself into. You’ve gotten yourself stuck. How do you extricate? How do you get out of these situations? So that’s on the backside. If you have good boundaries, maybe this dude never comes into your house to begin with.

Taco Mike (00:25:54):
Maybe this dude lives in a tent in your backyard because you’re like, look, man, because maybe you’ve got a situation where you, you know, you just kind of understand the temperament of your wife. This has happened before. Like, and so, you know what happens when you let somebody in you’re too lax, you’re too gracious. You like bend over backwards. And then your wife ends up hating you and him and everything. So maybe the next time that comes along instead of this guy, even hitting your couch, you offer him a couch in the garage, or you offer him a spot in the backyard for a tent, or you just hook them up with a week of hotels. He doesn’t even come to your property. So these are all these, just examples of ways that you have, you have set a fence like who doesn’t have property, that they put a fence around, who doesn’t have a backyard with a fence who doesn’t have a house with a door.

Taco Mike (00:26:39):
That’s got a lock on it. Windows that have a lock windows that have on them. You’ve got a business and you’ve got property there. You’ve got a chain link fence. There’s barbed wire on top. You’ve got cameras who doesn’t set up all of those precautions to keep numbskulls out. And your buddy, Phil’s not a numbskull, but maybe your buddy Phil doesn’t belong in your house. So you don’t abandon them. So boundaries, that could be an Oprah word. Okay. Set up good boundaries for herself. But I’m just talking about it in terms of like logistics, the boundaries that a person can have for themselves are what are you what’s taught? What are you tolerate? And then do you understand the temperament of the people in your life to know like what their tolerance is? Because mine, I can tell you this. My tolerance is way lower than my wives.

Taco Mike (00:27:22):
I would have anybody come and stay with us at any old time. I would give probably almost anything away. Cause I’m too, maybe I’m a people pleaser. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe maybe I just don’t have the piece of DNA that sort of has those protections built in. I’m probably I’m at the extreme end of that. And so I’ve had people help me understand what, like better and more secure boundaries are. So why does this fit in responsibility? It fits in there because if you’re going to be responsible for yourself and the people in your life, then you have to figure out what you’re going to let into the tent. But an alpha realizes like he’s got to protect, you has to protect, you has to protect himself, his family, his situations. And he does that with figuring out what some of these boundaries are. So I think they think conceptually that’s what it means. So what it means to me,

Brad Singletary (00:28:08):
I worked at Catholic charities one time and I worked in the adoption program, but across the way was the the homeless shelter. You know, this was guys would come in at night. And this was for the most destitute, the poorest of the poor, the people in the most hopeless situation. And there were boundaries. They would get a breathalyzer when they came in at night at seven in the morning, you had to leave. You can’t just camp out there all day long. They have to clean up, they got to wash the sheets and everything. That was a good example to me, of boundaries. You can give and love and serve and make sacrifices and help people. But if you don’t have some rules in place and some framework for restriction, I guess, or where, where are the limits of this thing? It could, it can quickly get out of hand.

Taco Mike (00:28:55):
Yeah. There’s guidelines. So you’re bringing up some really, really interesting thought streams there. Like if you’ve got a, let’s see you’ve got a wife or a spouse, who’s a substance abuser and it’s causing great harm. Think about that. Children, people in business, people that you work with, think about ways that people can do you harm. And then how do you set up a framework of these are my tolerance. Like this is all I’m willing to tolerate. These are the base guidelines of this established relationship. And I will not tolerate or accept behavior actions be on this line. And what is the line and where do you draw it? And how does it get negotiated? These are tough conversations to have. There’s no right. Or there’s no absolute. They can’t be black and white. You can’t just in my opinion, I don’t think you can just say it can’t be ever this because I mean, there are some, again, it’s just so tough. Like you would say, there just can’t be certain sexual grievances. Like there are some things that have zero tolerance lines, but then others are going to be maybe gray or more fluid or move around or there’s going to be some forgiveness and renegotiation and just sort of like visit it again. These are hard conversations to have.

Brad Singletary (00:30:17):
The ability to say no and alpha knows how to do that. Sometimes the answer has to be no, sometimes the answer has to be, no, I can’t help you. Sometimes the best help is no help. So we have, while we have responsibility, I think some men are out there trying to save the world and trying to do too much. And they drown themselves in the process because they can’t say no. Or they can’t say here, I’ll throw you the, the buoy and I’ll pull you in.

Taco Mike (00:30:43):
That was really good about the Catholic charities. Yeah. Cause I can totally visualize, like you got to sign a contract probably to get in there. You got to blow. If you don’t like hit some of those bare minimum, it’s like, you’re not welcome here. Sorry. I don’t know what to tell you

Brad Singletary (00:30:56):
You know you have nothing. We know you have no other option, but this is still there. There’s still a rule. So we did an episode called wrong pole and it’s what the alpha, how the alpha responds when he is wrong. That’s a big part of responsibility is that sometimes you’re going to be wrong. And I believe that you have to admit when you’re wrong and then make amends for that. So some of this, frankly does in fact come right from the 12 step literature on, you know, promptly admitting when you’re wrong. There’s power in that. That seems counter-intuitive to your ego to admit when you’re wrong, you see these politicians and stuff. And anytime there’s any accusation, this is the type of stuff in that book. The 48 laws of power, you know, never admit, never admit to wrong, you know, never even give it any credibility. Don’t even answer the complaint because you, you lose your power. That’s not actual power. So admitting when you’re wrong, making a men’s Mike, I know that it’s something that you seem to do very well and that you’ve done a great deal of work in your own life with talk about that. Some admitting when you’re wrong, making amends.

Taco Mike (00:32:11):
I take guys down to Mexico from time to time. And I, and I, and I do it in a way that I think is beneficial to them. And to me specifically, especially anyway, and we go down and we have these experiences. And I, when, when I take guys down, there’s sort of like different levels of intensity, you know, with anything like sports or motorcycles or anything. You’ve got guys who are ultimate hardcore, and then guys who just, they just want to have like, you know, we want to go for a run, let’s go for like half mile run, then we’ll get lunch. Okay. And then you guys, you got guys who are like ultra marathoners, right? Okay. So there’s these big, broad spectrums then. And like, that’s how it is with anything. So earlier this year in the spring, I took some guys down and this was just a fun run.

Taco Mike (00:32:52):
This was, this was dudes who were affiliated friends. And there were, there were no sort of expectations on this trip. And I got us into trouble. I got us into a bad situation. The nuts and bolts of it is here’s just kind of a high-level view. We went down and these guys had been down previously the year before, and we was a fun run. It was super chill, great time emphasis on like beach riding and tacos. Fantastic. It was amazing. Prior to the trip, I sort of probed him a little bit and was like, Hey, do you guys want to like, click it up a notch? Should we make this a little more extreme? Should we like dig a little deeper? Should we take a bigger bite of the Apple? You guys, you guys up for that. And then the response was generally yes.

Taco Mike (00:33:33):
So I got a specific route from a guy who was a hardcore guy. So, so I’m going to right now admit, and I’ve done this to these guys. I freely and readily admit so many wrongs, so many mistakes, but the long and the short of it is, is I got, I got a trail from a guy who was his hardcore. It should have been a red flag. I missed it. I had plenty of opportunities to, to load in to the trip, other trails that were more in line with their previous experience, adding this into the mix, it exponentially upped the game. So guys come down with their machines and I can, it should be my judgment to decide and to observe whether machines are, you know, level one or level 10, like how capable is the equipment? How capable are the riders? So overriding my whole thought process. It was like, Oh, I want to go see this, this the guy that gave me this childlike, like, he’s a cool guy. He goes to cool places like this must be really cool. And he kind of sold it as, this is like a really wild adventure to go.

Taco Mike (00:34:38):
I had that in my head. I want to go, I want to go on and go. That’s very selfish of me and so much so that I sort of blew through common sense evaluations of like, who am I with and how are they feeling? And like, what’s the energy level of these guys. And I sort of selfishly decided unilaterally, like, I’m going to take us down this area and we’re going to go. It ended up going very badly. It required, ultimately required. So there was some dudes who just like hit the end of their physical and mental ability to be on that trip. Have you ever been somewhere, you know, you go to Disneyland, you go to Disneyland and I mean, no disrespect. I’m gonna, I’m gonna use this analogy. But I mean, no disrespect to anyone who is bonked, anyone who was hit the wall, but I just want you to have this visualization because I think it’s important.

Taco Mike (00:35:26):
I think it’s important to see. Not all of us have been around people who have had high level implosions. That’s a thing, you know, you’ve been in sports, you’ve been in football. Were you played college football? You, you know what it’s like to be on the field or to be on the practice court and to have somebody completely come apart. But right. You’ve seen that. Okay. Not all of us have. So the analogy looks like you’re in Disneyland and it’s the morning. And everybody’s having a great time. Everybody’s faces are clean. The kids are clean. The clothes are clean mid day. It begins to sort of get unraveled. The kids are not looking so sharp. They got food stains and sunburn sunburn. And the mom’s hair was once fluffy. Now it’s sort of like hanging down and the dad’s right his shoulders are kind of dragon.

Taco Mike (00:36:15):
And by like three, four cogs, right? You see it by like 4:00 PM. The kids show everywhere you look like every little family group kids are laying on the ground. They’re screaming. They’re like the mom’s dresses pulled off. Cause the kids are yanking on her skirt, the dads after this, why the hell do we come here? And the D just wants to like murder, suicide. The whole thing. Like it goes bad. Sometimes in life. There are these situations where the pressure ramps up the situation escalates difficulties and challenges escalate. And then like, there’s this exponential vector of how badly it goes and how quickly the X and Y axis, they sort of arc up, arc up, arc up. And then all of a sudden it just goes straight vertical. It goes from like this 30 degree up to just 90 degrees, straight up vertical. That’s like 4:00 PM at Disneyland.

Taco Mike (00:37:14):
So we’re in Mexico and it becomes increasingly more and more challenging. We end up not able to get to the destination on day one. And we have to camp in a little ranchers hut, which was amazing and beautiful and fantastic and a blessing. And we camped in this little ranchers hut because it was too difficult to get, to get out day two. We cannot get out the second day we have to go back. We have to retreat back to the ranchers hut. So we’re there the second day, there were some high level implosions, the Disneyland moment that happened at a very high level, which is my fault. I accept an own full responsibility that I put these dudes in a situation when the implosion happened and it did. I put them there. I put them in a situation in a state that pressured them beyond their ability.

Taco Mike (00:38:08):
And though in that moment to continue to endure, but that’s my fault. So it would be gaslighting. This is an example of gaslighting. If I then said, Oh, these guys suck. They couldn’t hang these couldn’t handle it. They couldn’t do it. They couldn’t endure like, you know, they just bonked out. They hit the wall, whatever that’s gaslighting, that’s me deflecting ownership and responsibility and saying, yeah, sucked. And these guys like wanted a tap out, but it’s their fault. No, it wasn’t their fault. My fault. I put them there. I did everything that got us to those points where those, you know, Disneyland moments happen. Those implosions happen. I put them there. So to me, admitting wrongs is difficult. It does not do my pride any. It does not. It is hard for me to own and accept. It does not do my pride any good.

Taco Mike (00:39:10):
And it may not do my business. I mean, it doesn’t do my reputation. It doesn’t do me any good to own and accept where I have screwed up at often, sometimes at very high levels, but it is essential and critical to me and my mental sanity to do that as painful as it is for me to say even own it, admit something like that. It’s more painful to my psyche because of who I’ve been as a person and the journey in life that I’ve traveled in the ways that I’ve really blown up and ruined my life. And in significant ways, it’s more destructive for me emotionally to pretend it didn’t happen to Gaslight, to like try to deflect. That causes me more pain than the pain of just being like. I did it. Do your vocabulary that you talked about earlier, owning it. I did this.

Taco Mike (00:40:03):
It’s my fault. It’s not their fault. Nothing that happened on that trip is their fault. It’s all my fault. And that how that story ended was w did some guys got on sat phones and bless it for that and called a dude’s dad who had a freaking helicopter. And that dude flew down. He flew from, I think Phoenix swooped in, got us out of there. It was amazing. It was incredible. Every part of that experience was incredible. And to me was a growth experience. And then afterwards I sat down and I decided that I was going to have any money spent that any of these dudes had spent in. I returned it, refunded it back out, paid huge amounts of money to have motorcycles taken out, settling up with the helicopter dude, just, I bled a ton of money to repair an amend and correct as best as I could that situation, I sat down and wrote an excruciating letter to these guys.

Taco Mike (00:40:59):
Just sort of like cutting open guts and be like, look, guys, I let you down. I messed up point by point. Like here’s a moment where I could have the outcome could have been different. I could have made a different choice, like click, click, click, click, click, just go down and then send it out to these guys at great personal cause. Like, you know what, again, now I’m kind of like thinking about ways to protect my ego. Again. I want to do that. I want, my default is to self preservation and protection, but that’s not who I want to be as a person. I want to, I want to be the kind of person who’s just as transparent as I can and own it and accept it. So the point of this, of your really great read nine topic here of what is the importance of meaning wrong and making amends.

Taco Mike (00:41:44):
I go to sleep with a clear and full conscience after this really terrible situation. And I am open if anybody, if any of the guys who were on the stripper associate with a trip feel otherwise, I asked to reach out to me because I would like to continue to make sure to correct where I can and have power to those situations in my life that ended up harming and creating harm because I seek not to create harm. Up here, you would even say that in one of your net, I don’t want to be a villain. I don’t want to blame. I don’t want to harm. I don’t want to be a villain. I don’t want to be a victim either. Like I’m not a victim of, of any of that. It costs a ton of money. Woo hoo. Like, so what, it’s my fault.

Taco Mike (00:42:28):
In my opinion, I think an alpha owns and accepts at personal cost and personal expense, any cost in any expense to repair an amend, as best as he can, and then accept the pain, the bullets, the, you know, whatever, whatever he incurs by that ownership. It’s his fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. So I own it. I take it, I accept it. What would, what would your life, what would my life look like if I didn’t care? What other people thought or said about me? That’s sort of like this constant thought that just reoccurs on my head many, many, many times. What does my life look like? If I just don’t care? What people say to me that is true. Freedom. Like you talk about freedom. If anybody ever uses the word freedom to me, what the word freedom looks like and feels like is I don’t care what I’m thought of. It’s irrelevant to me. What anybody’s thoughts or opinions are about me. So if this situation creates some sort of like negative I’m over ego, I guess I’m truly not. But I, the ideal is I would like to be past and beyond ego. So it doesn’t matter what people say.

Brad Singletary (00:43:40):
So I wonder if some of these guys, I don’t know if these were people you already knew or were they new to you? I bet some of those respect you a great deal for the way you handled that. Stephen Covey talked about, he had a contractor one time who really met ma messed up something major on a project, cost him, I don’t know, thousands of hundreds of thousands of dollars maybe. And he said that because the man owned it and corrected it. He used him in every project ever since from the, from that point forward because he took responsibility for it and he made it right. And I dunno, I just wonder if the way you handled that actually made guys. I bet you, you got some friends out of that, you know, more than enemies. I hope that that’s the case anyway, where they see where this was, maybe avoidable, but you took responsibility and, and made it right the best you could, including returning their and so forth.

Brad Singletary (00:44:31):
I sometimes our mistakes, the way we handle our mistakes, it really makes a difference in how people see us, the guy who’s defensive, the person who’s skirting the responsibility for it. That’s a person who is despised and hated, but when you can take ownership and really be responsible and do the right thing, I just think you gain a lot more respect that way. And I’m sure some of these guys come out of that with some, with more respect for you than, you know, because of how you, how you handled it, how you admitted it and how you took ownership, made it right.

Taco Mike (00:45:08):
There is this great concept in Christianity that talks about the Christianity. I believe anyway, that talks about how, you know, the concept of Jesus. And you don’t have to believe in Jesus to believe in this concept. It is, is that everyone is redeemable. Everyone can be redeemed in every situation can be redeemed. It doesn’t matter how bad, how terrible, how awful it doesn’t matter how the harm was and how deep the concept and the power of redemption and resurrection and forgiveness is so complete and so thorough that it is capable of redeeming anything I choose to live with that mindset. I choose to live through the concept of it being projected through Jesus. But again, you don’t have to believe in that Jesus story to accept the hopefulness of that concept. And there’s plenty of religions and, and ideals that sort of are based foundationally based around that. I would strongly suggest finding a faith tradition or developing heck create your own. Who’s not to say that my made up religion is any different, better or more wacky than your made up religion. It doesn’t matter who cares, but what is very, very redeeming on a soul level is to have, have a concept and to have a relationship with the power that looks like that.

Taco Mike (00:46:41):
So that you can look at yourself in the mirror, make amends, go to sleep and sleep well, knowing that these misdeeds, that this concept of ultimate forgiveness, that it will work out, that it will be fine. That in the end, somehow it will all be just fine. And I don’t have to fret. I don’t have to obsess. I don’t have to go around and do damage. You know, one of the thoughts that I had initially was like an, Oh dude, I started getting phone calls because the population of people that go to Mexico kind of on these levels is pretty small. And we all kind of know each other, dude, I got like a couple of calls from people who are like, dude telling me this story. Like it’s getting now, like everybody knows what happened and ego, self preservation. I was like, dude, I need to like try to figure out who’s knowing a damage control and maybe make some phone calls and try to explain.

Taco Mike (00:47:28):
And then I, just, to me, like, no, it doesn’t matter. It’ll it’ll all, it’s just fine. It’s fine. The more I try to get in there and do that, if my position really is just make amends and leave it alone, then me trying to like go in and damage control will invalidate that. So I don’t, I didn’t, I left it alone and I’ve had a view. I’ve had a couple of those phone calls and at the end of it, the one, one of them in particular, the guy was like, dude, been there, done that. I’ve had the same thing happened. It wasn’t quite, as, you know, my story didn’t quite go your way, but like been there, done that. So I’ve had some good validation of people sort of using my, the story of my crash and burn here in this instance to say like, yeah, that was, I’ve done that too. I think when we own our complete and catastrophic failures, I think it’s a super power. I really think that it’s very healing for me. Like the only way I can sleep at night is to do it like this. But I think it also is a super power and it’s energizing. And for people who who know they should live like that, but aren’t, but they hear a story like this and I’m like, why can’t I do that in my own life? In my own circumstances,

Brad Singletary (00:48:41):
I heard something recently. I think it was actually Jimmy Durbin who was talking about this too. Who’s saying that so much of our pain comes when our heart is closed. And in this case, I think when our heart is closed to our own failures and our own weaknesses and our own vulnerabilities and our own problems and the things that we’ve created that hurts, that hurts more than the pain of acknowledging it. If we can just be honest and tell the truth and come clean and admit when we’re wrong and just kind of be humble about that. It seems to work out there’s freedom in it. It sounds like that’s what you’ve found is some, some freedom. You felt, you found some freedom by doing the right thing. It’s cost you a lot of money. You cost you some worry. Of course, you don’t want to upset these guys who are your friends, but you you have some freedom from this now. It seems like.

Taco Mike (00:49:41):
I agree. And it can cause you friendships too. I mean, the reality is I haven’t really spoken with these dudes since, and they may never want to have anything to do with me again. And I just said, you have to be okay with that. Like I can’t go in and damage control. And these are hard things to live with. I may have screwed a relationship that’s dead and done and buried. These are all hard things to accept and to deal with. I believe this is what we do as alphas is we, we endeavor to continually do the next right thing at whatever personal cost is incurred. It th the personal cost is irrelevant. Who cares? How much money, who cares, how much time. So what, there are just things in life that are just going to cut you and you’re going to bleed some, you’re just going to bleed out. It’s just going to happen and let it bleed, you know, bleed it, put the tourniquet on it and start the healing, but there’s going to be blood on the ground. It’s just going to happen. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen. You can’t, you can’t look away. Sometimes you just have to look at the blood on the ground and be like, that’s mine. I did that. Where do we go from here?

Brad Singletary (00:50:43):
I’m curious, Mike, about your, did you have people that influenced your choices on that? Did you open up to the situation to trusted friends or loved ones or whatever to, to kind of say, Hey, this is what’s happened. What should I do? I mean, did you just intuitively know you’ve done a lot of work. You’d know how to approach these things already as a very mature man, but did you have others helping you make the decision about the next right thing? Sometimes we don’t know what that is. Did you have, did you get some opinions?

Taco Mike (00:51:17):
Yes, I did. And I hope, look, I hope that this doesn’t sound like Pat me on the back. I do not, I do not want this to be a hero moment for me because I’m not the hero here. The hero is the dude in the helicopter who came and got us the hero or the dudes who, you know, sucked it up and endured and like had great attitudes. And in spite of the terrible situation that I had gotten us into the heroes of this story are those dudes who like chinned up and nut it up and manned up and just, just kept on keeping on those guys are the heroes. I’m, I’m the villain here. So I just want to say that. I just want to verbalize that, but to, to your question, The

Taco Mike (00:52:02):
Yeah, so I called, I have a handful of dudes that I keep in my back pocket, who are, who are sounding boards. One of them, I think you’ll have in soon, Justin Mackie, I got ahold of him and a couple other dudes. And I just say like, look, high level here’s, here’s what went down like, this is my thinking on the matter, can you help, you know, influence and correct, and, and guide as, as this, you know, gets navigated another, another solid buddy, Ben Baki who was with me on this whole trip, solid, solid dude. He was my right-hand man. Great sounding board, great wisdom, great insight. So I think it’s imperative and essential that as, as, as a guy just levels up and alphas up and just continues to like grow in his own life. That can’t happen unless you are bull worked and buttressed and surrounded by dudes who, you know, always have their back. But then I think are just, you look up to like, they’re better skilled and better equipped than you. And hopefully you can be that to somebody and somebody can be that to you.

Brad Singletary (00:53:06):
So that’s being a man that is an unfortunate situation. It sounded like, but you did the right thing. Great example. Another reason why I trust you with the things that I shared with you about my life, and I lean on you the way I do and why I want you to be a part of this whole movement here. So thanks for sharing that, man. The last thing here is about things that we can’t change and changing the unacceptable things that we can. Again, another 12 step thing, kind of from the serenity prayer, talk about acceptance, recognizing the difference between what we can change and not change so much of what happens in life. We really do have options. There really are things that we can do about that. Knowing, knowing, which is which that’s, what takes wisdom.

Taco Mike (00:53:56):
Aren’t there a lot of guys who are confused about accepting and settling, because I think one of the things that confuses dudes is the, the fine line between accepting the situations that you’re in, that you’ve caused or you’re in and just laying down and letting it wash over you. And just then being a mat and saying, we’ll go, well, this is my life. What can I do that? Acceptance is not the same use of the same word. When we talk about accepting things, you can’t change, changing, unacceptable things. You can, the way you have worded it. You’re the wordsmith, the way you’ve worded it here helps illustrate and illuminate the difference between laying down and letting your circumstances. You’re just a floormat to your circumstances versus accepting the reality that you are, where you are. This is just, this is just my life. And then I’m going to set about, and task myself with changing the unacceptable things as I can. How did you, you, you phrased that, that’s your writing? How did you,

Brad Singletary (00:55:10):
Well, some things, we, some things we have to accept and just literally back to the language again, we’d have to just say, this is my reality and I accept it. And maybe there’s nothing that can be done about it, but so many things that are unacceptable. Like, I don’t know my weight, my health, my financial situation, my, my relationships whatever’s going on in your life. There are some things that you, that aren’t okay with you, but you have the ability, you got some power, you have the option to do something about it. And so I think that’s just, that’s what I’m saying. It’s just that some things we really just have to let go of and other things we’ve got to zip up, put her boots on and get with it

Taco Mike (00:55:56):
Actually, this is tough to do. It’s this concept of being a realist and saying like, this is my situation and it sucks, but not being willing to then just arrest and stay there. So it’s this interesting dynamic. It’s this conceptual dynamic of this is my life. This is who I am. This is the body I’m in. Or this is the money that I have in the bank. Like here it is, stopping the denial with the pretending with the, the blaming, like accepting at that level. That’s what we’re talking about. Just slow your roll for a second and be like, this is where we’re at. This is who you are. And then that’s not stopping. That’s just acknowledging so that you can like ch again, slow your roll. Like just calm down for a second and just be like, okay, it sucks. This is where you are. And then once you’ve sort of like acknowledged that then, okay, what do we do now, calmly with, with a great forethought, Karen reason, how do we go pass this point? How do we move past this? Because previous to acceptance is denied. Like, what are some of the, some of the words to describe that?

Brad Singletary (00:57:09):
Yeah. Denial, defensiveness. I mean, there’s so many of those blaming others, a deflection.

Taco Mike (00:57:15):
Anger about it, panic about it, anxiety, all that. I’ve seen good success with that for me. And then with other people, once you just get to that point of acceptance, then you just turn off the volume and the, and the clatter of anger and denial. You just sort of like, that just needs to go away. Like you just need to stop with that. Does that make sense? Does that, does that what happened?

Brad Singletary (00:57:38):
That’s exactly right. Yeah. That’s you can’t really think it through to the next right thing. If you’re not acknowledging the truth of your situation. In one of our episodes, we talked about the little phrase alpha up and you kind of coined that. And what does that mean? And you said, it’s accepting where you are, but that you can choose your way forward. Something along those lines. You, you accept the sucky situation that you’re in, but that you don’t have to stay there. And even if the only actionable thing is a change in your attitude or a change in your interpretation of the event, a change in how you see yourself or other people that may be all that you can do. Your only action may be forgiveness. This may not be undoable. This may not be something that you reverse, but it may be about forgiveness. It may be about taking a step. Again, we’re talking about amends, I guess maybe this is you’re making a men’s with your own self, your value as a person, but sometimes there’s action that can be taken. That’s preventing this thing from happening in the future. Sometimes it’s preparing in a different way so that this doesn’t recur again.

Taco Mike (00:58:57):
When I was down there in that Valley with those dudes in Mexico, one of the things I was not doing that I am guilty of is not fully accepting like the full weight and severity of our situation. I think it should be noted. And this is, I’m not trying to, I’m not trying to justify anything, but I think it should be noted that we were in a situation that was dire and bad. We did have shelter. We had food, we had fuel. We didn’t have injuries, had no mechanical situations. So my level of denial or my inability to accept our situation, I was operating from a standpoint of, I’m a tough guy. I’m a, bad-ass so ego. We’re not lost. We have gas, we have food. We’ve got water. Like my sense of like unwillingness to accept was that to me, these are all wins in our column.

Taco Mike (00:59:46):
Yeah. We have a few negatives. We’re tired. We’re discouraged. You know, those are definitely negatives, but I’m looking at it from a standpoint of like, I got more money in the bank, then I got more credits and debits. So we’re good. The reality is is no, we’re not good. There are dudes who are not seeing it from my perspective. And so my inability to see the lay of the land created a situation where I wasn’t accepting the reality of the situation. And I was continuing to make it worse. So acceptance often. And I say this, and I sound like I it’s, as if I’m doing these things, I’m not doing these things most, so many of these things, please write in, you know what I’m saying? Like, dude, you can pin me where I’m a hypocrite on most of the, almost all of this. I’m an absolute boldface outright hypocrite because I’m not doing most of the things I’ve talked about.

Taco Mike (01:00:42):
Most of the things, these ideals that we’re describing here, I’m not doing a ton of these and I get them wrong and screw them up more often than I get them. Right. That’s does not invalidate the fact that I want to and I try to, and I endeavor to, so to me, accepting and settling are two very, very different things. Accepting what acceptance would have looked like then was to just stop trying guys, just one more Hill, like, look, we’re, we’re almost there. You know, like that’s my mindset. My mindset is like, I got gas and keep pushing. Like, let’s just keep going guys. You know, there’s a little bit more daylight like that. We can just get over this Hill. And I bet you will be able to see, like at some point I just needed to like stop and just accept. And I just didn’t have the ability to do that because I was just too stupidly optimistic or ego or whatever.

Taco Mike (01:01:36):
But the reality is I needed to just sit down sometimes just, you know, wave a flag and just be like, it’s done and let maybe somebody else. And what ended up happening is my good buddy, Nick, my brother, Nick, who was on the trip. He stepped in with the next cooler head, like of, of the hierarchy of cool heads. It should have been me that had the coolest head make sense word picture. But I didn’t because I was delusional. I hadn’t accepted the reality of the moment. Thankfully, the next coolest head, Nicki stepped up and was like, okay, I’m going to take over. I had to, then now here was a moment I had to check my ego because my ego was like, no, no, no, I’m the leader. I’m the guy you can’t like, this is my trip. Like you can’t, you can’t, you can’t now call the shots.

Taco Mike (01:02:24):
I have to call the shots. I had to no joke. I had to walk around where no one could see me. And I fricking like kicked a rock. I kicked the ground. I like punched the air because I had just work out the energy of like, no, I gotta lay down. I gotta give it up. Like, I’m, I’m defeated. This, this moment has defeated me. I have no more tools in the till. Like I’m done, I got to call it. I got to wave the flag. And I did. I went around the corner. Did that came back? And then I basically like in an essence, I don’t know that I said this, but in essence, my mindset was like it, Nick, from here on it’s your trip, like you have proven leadership. You’ve demonstrated like you got a hold of a guy with a helicopter.

Taco Mike (01:03:01):
Like I couldn’t do that. You now are running the program. And I respect that and defer to you and will acquiesce to decisions and shots that you think are best and most prudent to the situation. And my ego was just screaming just on fire. Like this can happen. And there were plenty of even moments where like my brain is just like, pull it back. No, no, no. Like retract again. I did not say that verbally. I did that. I don’t remember that. And then Nick may correct me and maybe I did, but I don’t remember that. But this was my mindset of like, you got the controls, Nick, like it’s yours.

Brad Singletary (01:03:43):
That seems like the most alpha thing of the whole story. What you’re saying right now, just kind of hand over the reins and to, to acknowledge I’m past the point of no return in a way, because I’m stuck in my I’m stuck in self or whatever it is like that that’s the hero moment to me when you released it, when that’s, when you really gained control is when you relinquished it to someone else that paradox of control, it’s it just, it’s something that keeps coming up. I love that you did that, man. That’s to me because he’s, you’re saying he ha he’s less invested with his ego. He comes in there and great ending to that, that, you know, gave him the authority, I guess, that you want it to retain for yourself. That’s powerful. That was a responsible thing for you to do.

Taco Mike (01:04:30):
I had to do it because he, he showed leader. Like the dude stepped up, the dude stepped up made, was making things happen where I was failing to make things happen and forever and ever that moment, like I have this great captured photograph in my brain of like Nick kind of standing on a Knoll that this is like very sort of emblematic of the moment. He’s on a little rock over us. We’re down here, he’s up there. And the sun I’m trying to pay, Hey, this word picture of like the sun is behind him. The light is behind him. And it’s sort of like shining through him. And I just felt like I need to just stand down. Like, Nick’s got this, he’s in charge now. And that again, my ego is like, I don’t want to do this. This can’t happening, but it had to happen.

Taco Mike (01:05:19):
So maybe you’re right. Maybe it is very essential for the alpha to sometimes wave a flag and be like, I’m not alpha right now. Like I can’t do it. I’m too exhausted. I’m too whatever. And to hand it over to somebody who then becomes the alpha and at different points, one of my favorite phrases, Lee Iacocca, he used to say, lead follow or get out of the way. And in that moment I could no longer lead. And so I needed to get out of the way and then follow. And we got out of there and that experience is going to inform me and teach me and carry me forever. Like there will no doubt be moments of leadership in the future that will look and feel just like that. And I will tap into that. And so the, the time and money that, that experience cost is more valuable than any seminar. I could’ve spent my, you know, think about money. You spend on going to a trade show or you take a class or whatever. That’s what I did. I took a class, I paid some money. I took a class, whatever big deal.

Brad Singletary (01:06:25):
And I love that as the final point here, I guess, of this whole thing about responsibility, recognizing your limitations, owning it, handing it over, sometimes doing the next right thing. This has been, this has been awesome. Mike, good to have you back, brother. We’re already talking about some other shows that we’ve got planned. We appreciate you being with us until next time. No excuses. About that. Oh.

Speaker (01:06:51):
Gentlemen you are the alpha is the Alpha Quorum.

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This is the final episode of a 6-part series on our review of the book, “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” We share some highlights and personal insights about how this information is helping us be better men and what we still need to be working on.  

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Brad Singletary (00:00):
Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum Show. Brad Singletary here. I’m with my guests that have just spent the last couple of months with, as we’d done this series on King warrior, magician lover. It’s not so much about the book, but it’s about becoming better men and evolving into the more mature masculine side of yourself. So we just want to kind of freestyle it here, wrapping up with what you got from the book. How does supplies to you challenges that you’ve you’ve had things you’ve seen other people do, you know, most important points from the, from the book or from this whole idea of archetypes and that you can be all of those things or none of them or living in the bipolar shadow. Let’s just kind of go with it here and talk about what this has been like to read this material, to discuss it, see yourself in a new light what you think men should do. What do you see you want to be working on?

Intro (01:01):
If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better, you are in the right place. You are responsible, you are strong, you are a leader, you are a force for good. Gentlemen, you are the alpha, and this is the Alpha Quorum.

Jay (01:28):
I think for me reading the book, it was really kind of a new concept. I haven’t really ever dived into any of this. And so you start to read it, you start to learn about the different archetypes and you’re kind of like you’ve gone through your life and you’ve done some of these things or you felt some of these feelings and then reading the book. You’re like, Oh yeah, that’s what that is. Or, Oh, I screwed up there, you know, and, and also learning that, you know, these archetypes aren’t static. It’s like one in one instance you might be the lover or the King, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that, that you’re always going to be there, that you could drop down and be one of the bipolar shadows. And even between the, you know, the bipolar shadows, you might jump from one to the other. And so you have to be aware of that and constantly reevaluate yourself. And what can you do to make yourself better?

Brad Singletary (02:08):
Same for me. I mean, I’ve studied psychology for 25 years or whatever, but I never really saw myself for sure in these things like King, that wasn’t really me. I was kind of always just a quiet mellow person. Who’s just easygoing and whatever. And my, so some of you will laugh about this, but in astrology, my, my sign is I’m a Leo. What’s really crazy is that my wife and I are both, both Leos and that creates some, Ooh, that creates some fire sometimes. But anyway, when you read that description of the Leo, it’s like this powerful, like, you know, dynamic force of energy. And I’m like, dang, I don’t know that. That’s why I never believed in it much. And I’m not saying whether that’s, you know, valid or whatever at all, but just, I never saw that in myself. I could be all of these things, you know, I’m an artist in a way, but I’m also a warrior. So like it was like the Michael Jackson thing, you know, I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Brad Singletary (03:19):
So, but important point about the archetypes as if they’re true archetypes, they live in all people. They live in all men. And even, I think somewhere in the book its suggests that some of these are even present in women as well. And instead of maybe King it’s queen or whatever, but yeah, that was important for me. I realize I can be all of that. And I do have the King in me. I’m just probably spending too much time in like tyrant or weakling. It really allowed me to see another side of myself. It’s probably the most important thing I’ve read about, you know, self-awareness especially about men’s in the men’s literature. I love it so much. It’s so awesome.

Jim (04:02):
Yeah, definitely. It was an, an eye-opening experience reading this and looking back on my life and recognizing, okay, I was a tyrant there or a weakling or an addict, or but also realizing that, okay, that’s why, you know, I’ve made these advancements. That’s why I had the strength. That’s why, you know, I had the confidence, like as I had these archetypes in me, but I just didn’t know a lot of times I just didn’t recognize them, but this book definitely, definitely helped me recognize the different bipolar shadows and live into the full potential. And now, now it’s, it’s easier to recognize, like now it’s easier to be in the moment and realize, okay, I’m being an, I’m being so weak right now. Or I’m being, I’m being an addict, you know, get off your, you know, be grateful, be humble, know who to attack when to attack, you know, when to share knowledge, you know, when to show compassion, just it’s eye-opening for me. I was really thankful that you turned me on to this.

Brad Singletary (05:11):
I love it because of the visual framework, you know, the little triangles I just kind of operate that way. It just helps me see it. And the language, the little labeling that goes with it. So easy for me, it’s so easy for me to get this now because there’s what a dozen words, a dozen little labels that go along with it or whatever, the visual of the triangle, the bipolar shadows at the bottom, living in the, in the fullness at the top of the pyramid. So cool.

Clint (05:38):
And I think for me, it just kind of building off where you guys are all saying, it’s just a sense of awareness, you know, looking at your past life or how it shows up in this present moment. You know, I’ve been going through my own kind of adversity of the past few months and it, this book couldn’t have came at a better time for me to reflect on myself and see where I’m at and do I need to go find more of my tribe to either build me up or give me that self, that good criticism to challenge me where I’m at and where I need to go.

Jay (06:10):
Isn’t that awesome. Like in this moment of your life, you were given exactly what you needed. I love that. So cool. I love it.

Brad Singletary (06:20):
Yeah. There was, you know, in the Facebook group and in different places, people kind of picked on the name about the alpha quorum and whatever, and Oh, are you trying to be, or what is an alpha and what does, what does that mean? And there’s so much baggage with that term. And I almost, you know, in some ways I don’t like it, but if you ask me what is an alpha, he’s a King, he’s a Warrior, he’s a Magician and he’s a Lover. And we’ve identified a few people from in real life, you know, from politicians to you know, just, I don’t know, coaches or different people that really exist out there, even fictional characters that kind of display some of that.

Brad Singletary (06:59):
I really see myself in a new light. I see potential in myself that I never really knew, but just reading that this exists, if it’s there, it’s in the collective unconscious, and it’s been a part of, you know, human life from the beginning, I believe it, I believe it. And it makes me want to just keep digging. I think I’m a better man over the last while. I think I started really getting into this in January, but I believe that I’m a better man now than I ever have been in my life. And I have to say, it’s because of these conversations with all of you, it’s from this book, these concepts, you know, and I still slip, I still fall back into it. I’ll go into the immature. I’m, I’m down at the bottom of the bottom and I’m just being a brat. I’m just being the spoiled, you know, high chair tyrant. And I’m all, you know, stomping my feet and like whining and complaining, like like my four year old might do. And I see it and I hear it and I go, Ooh, I don’t want to be that guy.

Jay (08:00):
As I was reading it, it’s like, you’ve had these experiences and you felt this way. And sometimes you like, does anybody else feel that way? Or has anybody else ever experienced that? And it’s like, it gave it a title. It gave it a name, but it made it real. And it, I’m not alone. Even if you’re in that immature stage, that there is a pathway to get to that that archetype.

Brad Singletary (08:24):
Yeah. There’s, there are things you can do to develop it, but if you have a vision of what that is. And in fact, in some of the suggestions at the end of the book, kind of the psychological interventions or whatever, some of it has to do with envisioning yourself as a King, you know, what does, what does a lover, like? We talked about some examples of that, you know, where’s your inner Bob Ross or your inner Jack Black, the dude from Titanic, whoever the legendary coaches, the magicians, you know, and this is Gandalf, this is Obi wan. Do we have Obi wan Kenobi in all of us? Yes. If we believe it and we start to pursue that and realize that this is something I can make grow in myself. And I just, I bought this book for my 15 and 17 year old boys. And I said, if you read this book and you can explain it to me, I’ll give you a hundred bucks. And actually I gave him two books. But one of them started reading one. I’m not sure what the other one’s at, but it’s so important. I love it so much.

Jim (09:28):
It’s a life lesson. It’s an important life lesson. And you know, I’m 46 and I’m just learning, you know, and you’re turning your kids onto it at 15 and 17. And that’s awesome. My dad did stuff like that. When I was young, there was a very goal oriented, Anthony Robbins, and I would go stay with him in the summer and he would make me some do his CDs. I would have to write out goals and future dreams. And I hated it. I was pissed. I’m like it’s summer break. And I just want to relax and doing homework on goals about my future Deepak Chopra or whatever. The lesson that the lesson that came from that was lifelong, writing things out, manifesting.

Clint (10:18):
I just think this is just one of those good starting books to kind of assess where you’re at within your own reality. If you’re new to self exploration or wanting to cultivate deeper life experience, I think this is one of those books that men can definitely easily gravitate to easily digest and take a moment to see, do I want to grow or do I need to get my tribe like, it’s a pretty profound book. Like we’re all saying, it’s just, it’s really a cruised all of our awareness. And it’s been an awesome conversation between all you guys.

Jim (10:53):
Yeah. I wouldn’t, I would absolutely agree with that as tough too, because I got to imagine that there’s some men out there who just don’t have right now the desire or the room to grow, but for those who, who want to take the time and ingest some of this, cause it will be extremely beneficial.

Jay (11:13):
And I think it, it also, it gives those individuals that don’t know how to grow. It kind of gives them a roadmap or it gives them at least some hope to start the start. Yeah, sure.

Brad Singletary (11:27):
I think I listened to the audio book. It’s free on YouTube. That’s how I I’ve read it and listened to it, read it, underlined it and listened to the audio a couple of times and in this series of podcast episodes, you, this is three, four hours of stuff. You could have read the whole book, but I really appreciate how we made it real. We added some kind of this was probably written in, I don’t know, early nineties, late eighties or something. And some of the examples are old or there’s these historical figures that no one knows about Angus con or whatever. So we’re bringing in, you know, some things from like pop culture and movies hope you find it valuable you guys. So last thing, and when we will wrap this up, what do you want, what do you want to do now, if you don’t mind just sharing, what is your weakest area or the thing that you need to be, maybe we’ll do strongest and weakest, the archetype that is strongest in you, your most natural gift and the one that you need to go kind of explore more work at.

Clint (12:30):
My strength would probably be the magician. I think that one spoke to me the most, you know, being a therapist and kind of holding that wisdom and being able to provide it for so many others really kind of resonated with me the most. And I just love that passion of helping people. So that one really connected with me and as for the weak is, would maybe be as of late, would be the warrior just got out of grad school, I’m trying to build a business and everything. And it’s, it’s, you know, I have my moments of doubt or that, you know, can I get through it, but just recognizing not using like, just take a moment and keep fighting, keep fighting for your beliefs.

Brad Singletary (13:09):
How about you, Jay?

Jay (13:10):
I wouldn’t say that one of my strengths would be warrior my background in law enforcement and stuff that’s kind of the mindset that we have to have, but I’d also say that I’m pretty good at being a lover, but in the same aspect, that’s probably a weakness that I see myself falling into some of the bipolar shadows a lot. And so that’s one area that I would like to dive into a little bit more and become better at.

Jim (13:34):
Yeah, I definitely see what you’re talking about there kind of a couple of them there, but my strength would be, I think magician, the love of teaching and expressing and showing empathy for some of my, whatever students or coworkers. My weakness would probably be warrior sometimes. You know, you gotta know when to fight and when not to fight. And sometimes I can be a little reactive other than being patient.

Brad Singletary (14:04):
I would say for me, probably the strongest natural for me is the lover, but I definitely slipped too far into that addicted lover where man, I everything’s beautiful. I love where things feel and how they look and how they taste. But I, but I get, I go overboard with that. The pleasure becomes pain sometimes. I’ve mentioned a lot, my addictions in the past. And then my weakness would probably also be warrior. I just want to work on boundaries having a purpose and kind of working toward that, not being reactive and just being calm in the face of danger. And usually that’s for me, emotional danger and not anything physical in any way, but I want to, that means preparing my like body being better with tools, not just like weapons necessarily, but that too, just got to safe and filling it up with, with some goodies in there. And, but also to be like, my body is a weapon. My mind is a weapon. Those are the things I want to continue to kind of harness as advantageous for me to be successful. I love the whole archetype of warrior, probably my weakest. All right. Last word from each of you. What do you want to say to the guy who are trying to get to listen to this, this whole message or learn from this model? What do you want to say to men out there based on what you’ve learned from this one sentence?

Jay (15:31):
Long-Winded sometimes I don’t know if it’s one sentence or not, but guys get out of your way. Be open, read the book internalize it. Be honest with yourself.

Jim (15:41):
I think Jay nailed it. Be honest with yourself and have an open mind, open heart and be honest.

Clint (15:50):
This world we live in is incredibly painful at times. And it’s hard to look ourselves in the mirror and say, am I good enough? But you are good enough. Take the time to explore the things that you feel like you have a deficit in because you only have this life ones feel the pain seek the help you need from it, seek other like-minded men that are gonna help you grow. You deserve it.

Brad Singletary (16:15):
I think for me, the message is just that wherever you are, no matter how you’ve failed, no matter how terrible, what choices or decisions that you’ve made, how many times you’ve been abandoned or that you’ve just really flunked out at life. If you believe in yourself that there is a King in you, there’s a Warrior in you and a Magician and a Lover. You just figure out how to make friends with that side of you. You start to have conversations with the King in yourself and the Warrior, Magician, Lover, and you picture yourself as that and start doing things slowly, making changes in your life. You will grow and you’ll just find more and more happiness and things are just going to fall out of the sky. Good things are going to come to you in the form of relationships, opportunities. Clint was talking earlier about he’s had some tough things going on lately. He’s also had some pretty bad-ass things going on that he’s shared too. That’s just maybe the nature of life in which part of you, are you talking to which, which part do you see in the mirror? Because the more you kind of channel that energy in yourself, the more you attract those things, I really believe that manifesting was something Jim talked about. You guys, thank you so much, man. This has been a huge, huge investment that you’ve made in this whole thing. I’m gonna get you guys a shirt or hat or something really super cool. So if nothing else, you got some free little swag to spend 12 hours here.

Jay (17:50):
I need more than a freaking shirt.

Jim (17:56):
You got to help deal with this style.

Brad Singletary (18:00):
Thanks again, you guys. Hey, tune into us next time. In the meantime, give us a like in a review and follow us on Instagram. We have a Facebook, private Facebook group for men called the Alpha Quorum. We want you to be a part of what we’re doing here. Take care until we talk again. No excuses alpha up.

Outro (18:18):
Gentlemen, you are the alpha and the Alpha Quorum.

ALPHA SHOT: One-minute Sample

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This episode is about living life as a man with the energy of a LOVER.

When we say “the lover” you may think we are talking about romantic and sexual love, but there a lot of different types of love. You love your homies differently than you love your woman.  You love your mom differently than you love your kids.  The ancient Greeks talked about agape, or non-erotic love, referenced in the Bible as “brotherly love.” They used the term eros to mean sexual love. The romans used amor which means the union of one body and soul to another body and soul. The Latin term libido doesn’t just refer to sexual energy, a general passion and appetite for life, or life energy.

Moore and Gillette say that the Lover energy includes vividness, aliveness, and passion. The Lover is driven to satisfy basic human hunger for sex, food, well-being, reproduction, creativity, and a sense of meaning in life.

This is about sensitivity to the external environment. This has to do with our five senses, sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. It notices colors and shapes, the feeling of different textures, the beauty of sound and the power of aroma. It is also about the internal environment: changes in sensations of incoming stimulus and the feelings those things produce INSIDE us.

We discuss the Lover in his fullness and share example of men living this way. We also discuss the bipolar shadows THE ADDICTED LOVER and THE IMPOTENT LOVER.

This is one of our most important topics and most well-done episodes ever.  Check this out. **ADULT CONVERSATION INTENDED FOR ADULTS. 

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Brad Singletary (00:00:00):
Welcome back to the Alpha Quorum show. Brad Singletary here, I’m the founder and host of the alpha quorum show. I’m joined by my three awesome guests. We’ve been doing a series together here. This is the fifth of six episodes where we’re talking about this awesome book, King warrior magician lover. Welcome back again to Clint Albright. Thanks sir, Jim, how you doing? And Jay, thanks for being here again. You guys glad to be back. So we’re talking about the lover. We’ve discussed the other three mature masculine archetypes, the King warrior and magician listened to those episodes. And by the way, give it a rating and review, and also give us some feedback on what you’ve learned from those episodes. I think this is the best little series that we’ve ever done. And I think this episode tonight is going to be the best show that we’ve ever done on the alpha quorum show.

Brad Singletary (00:01:29):
So when we say the lover, you may think that we’re talking about romantic and sexual love, but there’s a lot of different types of love. You. You love your homies differently than you love your woman. Love your mom in a different way than you love your kids. The ancient Greeks talked about a GAAP or non erotic love referenced in the Bible as brotherly love. They use the term arrows to mean sexual love. The Romans used a more, which means the union of one body and soul to another body and soul. The Latin term libido. Doesn’t just refer to sexual energy, but also a general passion and appetite for life or life, energy. So more in Gillette say that the lover energy includes vividness, a liveliness and passion. The lever is driven to satisfy basic human hunger or sex food. Well-Being reproduction creativity, and a sense of meaning in life. This is about sensitivity to the external environment. This has to do with our five senses, sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. It notices, colors and shapes the feeling of different textures. The beauty of sound and the power of aroma. It is also about the internal environment changes in sensations and incoming stimulus and the feelings that those things produce inside us. So welcome back guys. We’re going to get started tonight. The things we’re going discuss are

Brad Singletary (00:03:01):
What the lover archetype looks like expressing its fullness. We’ll talk about some examples of men who are living in this through, through this mature masculine energy of the lover. What it looks like when a man is operating from the addicted lover energy. That’s one of the bipolar shadows, also the impotent lover and how a man can fully access the lever energy within himself. So let’s begin with what is the lover archetype express in his fullness?

Jay (00:03:34):
I think when people first hear lover archetype, and they usually think of sex and sensuality, but you know, in reality, it relates to sensitivity to the physical world. It encompasses a lot more than that. You know, it kind of channels your inner child. Yeah. You’re vulnerable, vulnerable. You have tender feelings. You know how to relate to your emotions to your body, to other people, to the universe, as well as to a higher power. So that lover archetype is a lively person. And usually are in touch with their feelings and express their emotions freely. I think we all know e like that. I like one of the descriptions that talked about was that the lover archetype is concerned with both play and display. So play that’s kind of self-explanatory but display that’s kind of cool to me. That’s like, you know, you display yourself in a way you got like Jim, he got style. I don’t Clint has an awesome ride. I don’t, Jay’s got a boat, you know, this is like play and display. I thought that was a neat way to look at like the flavor of the lover archetype, you know, it’s, it’s, you’re not only sensitive to those things, but you, you show, you show out well, too, you look good, smell good. You have fun, you know, there’s energy in the display of things. Any thoughts on display? Yeah.

Jay (00:05:01):
I think it also goes to like, you kind of practice what you preach, that those people that possess that lover, archetype, like you can just look at them and you can tell what they embody a lot of those characteristics.

Brad Singletary (00:05:12):
Yeah. That makes sense.

Jim (00:05:16):
And like the language and like going to this display aspect is he’s a really able to talk very authentic about his own life experience or his own emotions and connect with other people in a very old thing Um they just don’t see all that often.

Jay (00:05:33):
I think for that person to it it’s natural. It just happens for them. It flows.

Brad Singletary (00:05:41):
So this is like youthful optimism, excitement. And in the book it talks about, this is one of the first of the mature masculine energies to develop. Think about your energy when you were 17 or 21. There’s some, I think there’s some lover energy, at least trying to show up. Maybe if you, if you have a healthy sense of self and confidence, otherwise this is where you are. When you get to be my age, maybe, maybe you got to kind of practice it and work on it a little bit here. You lost your swagger. Yeah. You know, you got to kind of find it back again or redefine it when you’re 45 years old. Yeah.

Jim (00:06:24):
Thought that too, like when you get older, you know, you seem to lose a little bit yeah. Passion. You don’t feel like you have a sense of purpose or worth and you know, your libido jobs and you just, you’re not that youthful, optimistic, you know, life loving person.

Clint Albright (00:06:42):
And I think there’s to be said that we also, you know, I would imagine as we get older and more established into our careers, we kind of forget to maybe have fun or we’re just workaholics or, you know, we’re, hyper-focused on one thing and ended up coming really burnt out on it. And we forget those small little connections that really make us thrive. Personally.

Jay (00:07:01):
I think that’s a, a Western Society mentality. I mean like Japan and China, the, you know, the work ethic is, is a lot different than what we have out here. I think maybe we in the West Culture maybe indulge a little bit more into our passions, but I think it goes into the later part where the, you know, the shadow side of the lover, where we kind of, you know, here living out in Vegas,

Jim (00:07:28):
I see a lot of people misusing their love, I guess you could say. So the lovers sees all things as connected and all people is connected. So there’s like a strong sense of empathy. He understands experiences outside of himself through his own internal experiencing of it stuff’s happening outside of him. But he’s really experiencing on the inside, whether it’s someone else’s feelings he’s trying to empathize with, that was cool. The part about being connected, like one big ocean it’s like they see you, they see into you. That’s such a deep connection in the pre-show Clint. You were talking about that the lover also there really has to be a love for himself in a way to talk about that a little bit.

Brad Singletary (00:08:15):
That was pretty profound.

Clint Albright (00:08:17):
So one thing I I’ve seen a lot in couples therapy is, you know, as time goes on in the relationship, sometimes we do forget it, our passion or our love in the relationship. And sometimes we end up kind of withdrawing in our own selves and we have a hard time communicating, maybe some of the internal things we’re going through to our partner. It makes us feel isolated and working in therapy and helping him access those deeper emotions and really helping him engage more with his partner. You see the switch that almost turns on and he’s like, Oh my God, I’m like this playful. I can let this playful side come out. When I understand my emotions, when I am able to regulate them a little bit more and really make sense of my own experience and how I can share that passion, my love, not just with my partner, but the people that I surround myself with.

Brad Singletary (00:09:07):
That’s so interesting. It seems like men seem to struggle as a generalization men seem to struggle even being aware of their emotions and for sure being able to like name them or kind of sort through those. And can’t express, it’s like we don’t have the vocabulary really to even talk about what it is I’m feeling. I mean, what’s the difference between being frustrated and off or afraid and lonely. There’s so many different little nuances. And as I agree with you, as men do learn to understand their deeper emotional States, they can love themselves and love others around them in a more healthy way.

Jim (00:09:46):
I think it allows them to have more of a, a spectrum of life experience and how they share their emotions. What I notice with men is it’s such a binary, emotional state. It’s either a happy or a man and they don’t know what that anger is. And we’re just continued continuously taught to just suppress it. Don’t show it, you know, hide it, don’t talk about it. And it really just does us a huge disservice about having a real life experience.

Brad Singletary (00:10:13):
Yeah. So he’s not just seeing things logically and rationally. We’re pretty good at that, but he’s also, you know, sensitive and tuned into the feelings and emotions he’s having. And even those of other people around them, whether that’s his dog, his children, his woman, coworkers, he’s feeling very much tuned into feeling.

Jay (00:10:34):
Yeah. And clean. I would agree, you know, growing up, you know, you’re a man, you know, you don’t talk about your feelings, you suppress them. And I, it seems like more and more in today’s society. You have parents that are teaching their kids here quite a bit is use your words. You know, they’re getting them to talk about those things. So I think as a society, they do a better job probably now than like I was growing up.

Jim (00:10:59):
It was a conversation I just had with my 16 year old son about that expressing your feelings. And we were talking about just that. And he was saying, you know, I can’t, he just has a tough time expressing what he’s feeling and what he’s thinking. And I’m like, I’m your dad at 46 and I still have a tough time with that ever lasting ongoing struggle to learn how to express that it’s not easy.

Clint (00:11:27):
You know, what I try to help teach men is, you know, how does it feel in the body? Does it feel like a weight? Is it a color? Is it a superhero? What is that emotion? Just trying to give it more light and more words for them to start identifying that, you know, anger’s okay. We can be angry, but what’s underneath that anger. Is it sadness? Is it grief? Is it whatever?

Brad Singletary (00:11:49):
Yeah, it’s interesting. So he’s not only focusing on the positive energies in life, but also pain. He understands pain too. He feels deeply his pain. So the lover often is kind of artistic in nature. He’s kind of an artist. And when he picture some of the famous artists out there, there there’s some dark darkness in their personality and that may look like it’s unhealthy, but I think it’s very healthy to be, to be able to be tuned into like you’re mentioning some negative emotions. So not just that you’re happy and feeling life and feeling all this enthusiasm, but also you can feel and experience and tolerate negative.

Jim (00:12:33):
That negativity can be, or just understanding what that negativity is and dealing, holding that pain for a second and feeling that I think ultimately gives you the adversity to go through it and really name it and talk to it and let it be, let it have its own space for a moment so that you can recognize it and then move on.

Jay (00:12:55):
Then, you know, the big difference when we look at all four of the archetypes, you know, the lover energy is really kind of the opposite of the King and the warrior and the magician, as those are really interested in, you know, boundaries and ordering containment. Whereas this lover archetype is more concerned with just living fully. They don’t have, they’re not bounded by any of those boundaries are able to just live a carefree lifestyle. Yeah. Yeah. They really, they they’re able to dig into their five senses and they don’t just experience something from one aspect they’re able to kind of encompass it, you know, encompass it all.

Brad Singletary (00:13:31):
It’s interesting that some of the, we we’ve talked about the way these merge though at times, so yes. Different than the magician and so forth. But so like in the last episode we talked about the magician was a knower of knowledge and he’s just tuned in and intuitive in this case the lover is, is that because he can read people, he notices like subtle differences. If we talk about sexually, for example, he can, he can tell when the woman is ready to be sexual. Now he knows when the child is sad. He knows when the boss is frustrated. So he’s tuned in to the unspoken things. And I think that would showed up in some of the other archetypes too, that there’s a sensitivity. In the pre-show we were talking about how most often men are either coming out of the addicted lover archetype, which we’ll describe more detail later or the impotent lover. So they’re kind of disconnected from their lover energy. And the authors talk about, you know, in many of the world’s religions, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, that there, there was all kind of a negative. You have the lover there’s this persecution of the lover made him feel like his desires were evil. You know, this was something your carnal sensual Devilfish kind of side needs to be kind of subdued. But this guy, there’s a clearly a spirituality when you’re operating in lover energy. And maybe that’s, as we talked about in the past that he loves nature. He almost worships like the natural but the natural world was kind of demonized by religions and people were kind of taught to tune that out. We’re going to talk about some romantic and sexual things later. But as I was reading,

Brad Singletary (00:15:19):
Yes, I remembered this. There’s a, in the old Testament, there’s the book, the song of Solomon. Aybody know, anybody ever read that stuff? It’s like, Oh, you’re, rosy red cheeks. And you’re, you’re from, you know, breasts. And so the song of Solomonit’s kind of love poems. It’s really kind of interesting. And some people have kind of said, wow, that’s not actually, you know, that’s not sensuality. What, what, you know, what, what God meant. And that part of the Bible was that this was, you knowthis is how people should, you know, love the church and that kind of thing. This was just an allegory of like, Christ’s love for the church. And certainly it’s not about this point, literally almost pornographic descriptions in this it’s like 50 shades up in there in the Bible. You should check it out sometime the song of Solomon. But so Christianity kind of maintained this hostility toward the lover.

Brad Singletary (00:16:18):
That’s the Adam and Eve story kind of paints her as like this, you know, seductress and that archetype has kind of been maintained in some spiritual teaching and that kind of slanders the womenand also paints as this like distraction to men who should be seeking their Holy or side instead and maybe there is some truth to that. But what I’m getting at here is that there’s some shame in some of the religious teaching and what the, all these authors talk about is you not only need to have the lover energy in order to really fully experience the spirituality, but they, maybe they kind of go hand in hand. If you don’t think that a, an awesome sexual experience can also be spiritual. I think you’re maybe doing it wrong, or you’ve been unfulfilled in that way. It’s quite a, quite a thing to experience that energy with another person.

Brad Singletary (00:17:13):
We talked about the artists, there are two of types of lives that seem to embody the lover energy. And first is artists. That was the first mention: painters, poets, sculptors, musicians, and writers. Sometimes their lives are stormy though, and they’re maybe, you know, they’re abusing substances and they can write a hell of a novel. But they’re kind of troubled kind of troubled on the inside or they’re they kind of got this dark, emotional life. But those folks are definitely tuned into the lower energy. And the second is the psychic was interesting about the psychic, who Carl Jung said that those were folks who were really called to the collective unconscious. And they’re able to like receive strong feelings, sometimes even having audible words and the feeling of heat and cold. There is a sensitivity to the invisible, there’s this understanding of the energy, that undercurrent of energy that binds the past present and future together. They see like life is really existing as one, great present all happening at once. So that the idea of the psychic or the medium, another thing that was kind of shamed by a lot of religions, like an investor, think about an investor who they’ve got a hunch about a good move that they might make, the authors say that that guy is, is accessing the lover. He feels some kind of you know, some energy that provides some intuition or premonition. He can like, see what’s about to happen.

Jim (00:18:48):
Even a boss that feels takes time to really understand his workers and what their needs are and taking the time to make his crew has what they need.

Brad Singletary (00:18:59):
Yeah. Jim was talking about last time with the magician. He’s not only a knower of knowledge about the electrical work in the construction trade, but of people. And he talked about the guy who was wasn’t performing well in the question to the foreman is, Hey, well, what’s going on in that guy’s life. Why don’t you ask him how he’s doing? I love that about the sensitivity.

Clint (00:19:20):
What I want to say though about the love archetype is I liked the fact that don’t have shame, they don’t have shame about their body. They don’t have shame about their feelings. They just, once again, that carefree lifestyle,

Jim (00:19:33):
This in tune sense of awareness of how other people respond to their actions and vice versa. And I think from their perspective, life doesn’t happen to you. It happens for you.

Brad Singletary (00:19:46):
I love that when you’re talking about, they don’t have shame. I often talk to guys about like Jack Black, you know, you’ve seen him in, what was it? School of Rock, I think. And he’s like, was that the one? Anyway, some of his movies, you know, he’s danced around in like a leopard print thong or whatever. And he’s just got this fat belly. If you watch a woman who watches that she’s not attracted to like his gut, she’s just attracted to that energy because it’s kind of carefree, it’s fun. And it’s really living in the present. And I talked to guys a lot of times about you got to get into your energetic black, the present. So anything creative, any creative process is accessing the lover energy. You’re a software developer, a farmer working in construction. So much of that has to do with how things feel. You know, you’re designing a building, choosing the color of the carpet and the new home that you’re built putting together. That’s lover energy. Cause you’re tuned into the census.

Jim (00:20:43):
You see that a lot like with architects, it’s, they’re not just putting lines on a piece of paper and drawing a building. They really get into that, you know, their inner feelings and immerse themselves in that completely.

Brad Singletary (00:20:56):
Yeah. The flow, the lines, the contrasting textures are so much, so much like depth in what goes into those, how they create things there. So when it comes to reading his partner, how does the lover do it? How does the mature lover tune in to the other person that they’re trying to be loving with? And maybe in particular, in a romantic or sexual way?

Clint (00:21:22):
I think body language is something pretty, fairly universal that we can pick up on. But also the language of our partner, are we really listening to what’s being set? Are we articulating how to fix it or really hearing their emotions and how, and reflect our own selves, how to understand their emotional experience and try to connect with it.

Jay (00:21:45):
I think it’s being aware and immersed in the whole relationship that sometimes we were self-centered or we’re not in tune to what they’re feeling and what they’re saying, like, and then we want to satisfy our own needs and we get rejected and then we get upset and we don’t know what’s going on, but if we really read their body language, we’re in tune with them where we understand the environment that we’re in. If we’ve just been in a fight, most women probably don’t want to be sexual, you know? So you got to understand kind of the environment that you’re in at the time.

Jim (00:22:17):
I think there’s just like a, just a genuine curiosity to understand your partner and just take a moment to be there for them. Yeah. Just here.

Brad Singletary (00:22:23):
So not trying to say that I’m the greatest lover, but I did start college as an art major. And one of the once I realized, you know, like couldn’t take that where I wanted to change, but one of the things the professors would talk about in our projects was, you know, all you have to do is be able to see if you can just see, if you can just see whether it’s something in your mind that you’re creating out of nowhere, or you’re doing a, you know, you’re doing a landscape or whatever it may be. If you can just really look at it and see what it is, that’s what makes you a good artist that you can see. So this guy can read the temperature. He’s talking about his partner. You know, he knows when it’s time to throw her on the bed or when to make this a long, slow, long, and slow a situation, or when he’s should be bringing roses home and expecting nothing. You know, he knows when to dance and when to talk dirty, that openness and like, perception, the ability to perceive is very important. I think in the, in the lover,

Jay (00:23:29):
I think it’s also important that, you know, when you’re loving life yourself and you’re living to the fullest, that kind of permeates out to the people that you have influence over. If it’s your, your wife or your girlfriend or your kids, that when you’re living that life, they’re going to of come along and then they’re going to live it also. And it makes things a lot smooth

Brad Singletary (00:23:51):
The guy really has to be tuned into the whole relationship. So not just now, not just wondering if she’s in the mood now, but where is she lately in general? I worked with a guy who’s ended up getting divorced twice, but he, and his first relationship, he told me he had changed all the light bulbs and he thought, well, okay, good. I did this thing now. So maybe we can have some sexy time, you know, and what I knew about the wife cause I’ve met with her as well, was that she had been talking to attorneys about divorce. She was nowhere close at wanting to connect to them that way. And he’s thinking, okay, well, I’m good now. I did, I did a good deed here, a little 12 minute job in the house changed the light bulbs. And so surely she’ll be ready to go. And that blindness kind of still continues with that guy. How does a man read his partner?

Jay (00:24:41):
Eye contact. Okay. Times just, you know, making that connection with the eyes can say a lot, you know, it goes right there with body language too.

Brad Singletary (00:24:51):
Yeah and if we’re paying attention, I just think they will give you all kinds of indications about where they’re at. They may not say whether or not today tonight’s the night, but if you’re tuned in you’ll, you’ll see that stuff. You’ll hear them. You’ll know where they’re at. I remember one time, I mean, in a particularly selfish place, I was thinking, thinking I was going to get lucky one night and then I realized that it was my wife’s. It was, it was the anniversary of a, of a death of someone very close to her. And that she had been thinking about that all day. And I’m just trying to get, I’m just trying to get naked, you know? And I, and I’ve just felt like that was such a failure on my part. This was a few years ago. I’m much, much better with all that now, of course. Any other thoughts on when it comes to reading as partner? How does the mature lover do it?

Clint (00:25:44):
Yeah, he takes the time to be present. Just takes the time to hear, to listen, just being in the moment and being present. I think sometimes it’s like we said, knowing what the, the atmosphere is and taking that leap of faith, sometimes think we lay there in bed and we’re like, I wish you’d have sex with me, but you don’t take the first move either. Maybe she’s thinking the same thing.

Brad Singletary (00:26:09):
Yeah. Sometimes we’re misreading them thinking that they want to and they don’t, but what’s, what’s super disappointing is to know that she’s down. When I, when I hear about these kinds of failures, these sort of horror stories for men she’s down and she’s ready to get, I don’t know. She might want to get roughed up. I don’t know what she’s into, but and he’s just kind of thinking that would be disrespectful. I actually worked with a couple recently, fairly young couple. They had both kind of saved themselves for marriage and she was wanting to play. We talked about this, the energy of like play and display. She wanted to like have sex in the car, do some wild things in their sexual play. And he said, Oh no, that would be, that would be so disgraceful, such a disrespect for you. And you know, she wanted to like experiment and try some things that weren’t all, I mean, it’s still pretty vanilla from what I understand about sexuality and even that, you know, oral sex, for example, he just thought, well, no, no, It wouldn’t be okay. And I just, that to me is a tragedy.

Clint (00:27:15):
It sounds like there’s like a lot of shame with that too. Yeah.

Brad Singletary (00:27:18):
Yeah. And, and I think in some cases that comes from cultures that comes from religious backgrounds that comes from the training of parents, if they’re kind of rigid about their sexuality or there was trauma, there’s a lot of reasons why you’re, you’re exactly right. That’s a shame based response.

Jay (00:27:34):
Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I hadn’t experienced that with a female that was, came from a very religious family. And we talked about how, you know, the religion looked down on the lover and she was brought up that, you know, sex was only for having babies. And so it was a very, in my mind was kind of an immature sexual relationship because she was so that was just drilled into her for so long. And, and it, it created problems in the relationship,

Jim (00:28:04):
The couple sitting there waiting to make the first move, you know, each thinking whether they should initiate it or the other person should initiate. It kind of reminds me of the warrior. Like you just kind of gotta go with the flow. You know, you gotta be in the moment, you got to stop over thinking it, you got to stop having all this noise in your mind, going on. It almost puts up a roadblock. And it just stops that lover energy from flowing. Now you’re overthinking things.

Clint (00:28:29):
You’re complicating it when it comes to sex and intimacy in general, like it’s playtime, that’s when you can go and be vulnerable or, and very authentic with your partner and just have fun. You know, that’s sex is one of the most connecting things we can do with another human. And it should be fun. We should have these conversations in our relationships to either spice things up or try something new. And, you know, I see it a lot too, like how you’re saying in my own therapy, a lot of men withdrawn themselves and they’re like, Oh no, what is, what has she found out my kink or like that I like. And like, have you asked? And the worst thing is she says, no, but then you can kind of reframe like, all right, well, let’s try a little something smaller and maybe work our way up to it. If it’s something we’d like, and let’s communicate together more, let me see what works for you and what works for me and find that balance.

Jay (00:29:21):
I think that’s why like 50 Shades of Gray was so popular is that people’s like, especially with women, their, their inner feelings and even men, their inner feelings of kind of how they wanted to explore it used to be oppressed. And then you have a movie that is mainstream popular and kind of brought it to the forefront. And I think a lot of people finally realized, Hey, this is okay and they started verbalizing it and being able to, you know, say what they wanted in the, in the relationship.

Brad Singletary (00:29:49):
I don’t know much about that whole, that whole kink side of things. I’ve heard a lot of people who are much more educated about it, say that’s not necessarily the best example, but yeah, I think it did open the doors for some people. I’ve talked to some couples recently who are like literally saving their relationship with having introduced some kink stuff into their like BDSM, whatever into their, into their intimate life, because it includes stuff about communication, you know, trust and aftercare, you know? So yeah. I’ll tie you up and kind of, you know, it’s pretty powerful though. Like, I can, I can inflict some pain in a way, but then afterwards there’s this it’s, it’s very, can be caring and loving. And if people are willing to explore and willing to communicate, you never know where you end up. And I think it should be something that’s done. Of course, with respect and mutual consent is that consent is the big deal with that. Even when, even when the one guy’s like, you know, punishing her with some kind of leather like strap or whatever, it’s, can I do this to you? And that’s just wild to me. That’s just like, it’s crazy, but it seems effective because it’s communication. It’s like, Hey, are we doing this? Are we in this? Are we in this moment together? And this is what I’m thinking, what you’re thinking did they match?

Clint Albright (00:31:11):
I took a class at UNL, even though my undergrad was sexualities class. And we had BDSM panel come in, people from that community to really explain to the masses what it’s really like. And like what you’re alluding to is the level of communication that I saw from those individuals was higher than most of the couples I ever see. Like you were saying, like, you have to communicate am I doing it right? Is it, are you feeling too much pain? Do I need to take a step back and just be having that open dialogue and realizing that sex and intimacy is just play time and take the time to listen to your partner and go back and forth and, you know, set some rules or whatnot, but you can through, and to me, it’s intimacy and sex. We can really expand our emotional connection with our partner.

Brad Singletary (00:31:58):
So true. It’s another horror story that I talked about, the, the young couple and the guy didn’t want to be playful, but another man that I knew of he is helping his future ex-wife packer things up and she’s leaving the family home. The guy asked like, Hey, so why did we not have much sex all this time? And she said, because you’re no good at it. And he was shocked because they were married 15 or 20 years, whatever. He had no idea that what he was doing was no good for her. And he probably was frustrated all along. She was too, because they didn’t communicate. So we’re not necessarily promoting BDSM or anything like, but just whatever you’re into, this is about feeling.

Brad Singletary (00:32:40):
It’s about sensitivity. Sometimes it’s maybe loud and crazy and, you know, unconventional and whatever you do, we’re really just talking about connecting in a very like live, present, live fully in the moment kind of way. So what are some examples of men who are living this, a living in this lover energy, whether you know, real or fictional or whatever else, I guess I have one that I, I don’t want you guys to laugh at me for, but it’s funny because without my family, even knowing we’re going to talk about this somebody said yesterday, we had some friends over for dinner and they were talking about how, you know, every, this guy kind of looked a little bit like Leonardo DiCaprio. We were talking about this was Jack Dawson from Titanic. And I asked the guy, was he too young to remember that move?

Brad Singletary (00:33:40):
And he says, Oh no, everybody knows that movie. Especially women, women, all, all women have they go through a Titanic phase, you know, or whatever. So, but Jack Dawson from Titanic, he’s a guy who went with the flow. I love the scene where he’s at the fancy dinner, you know, and with the first class passengers and Ruth, I think that was the mother of the, the busty girl forgot her name Rose. She says, and where do you live? By the way, I don’t have this memorized. I looked it up on a, some kind of a movie transcript site. But anyway, she says, where do you live Mr. Dawson? And he says, well, right now, my address is the RMS Titanic. After that I’m on God’s good humor. She says, well, how is it that you have means to travel? He said, I worked my way from place to place, you know, tramp, steamers, and such.

Brad Singletary (00:34:30):
He won his ticket. He set up, but I won my ticket on the Titanic here in a lucky hand of poker, very lucky hand. She says, you find that sort of rootless existence appealing to you. And Jack says, well, yes, ma’am I do. I mean, I’ve got everything I need right here with me. I’ve got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up and not knowing what’s going to happen, who I’m going to meet, where I’m going to wind up. He said, just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge. And now here I am on the grandest ship in the world, having champagne with you fine people. He says, I figured life’s a gift. And I don’t intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you’re going to get dealt next. And you learn to take life as it comes at you. And then he sees Cal, you know, he was the fiancé of a Rose and he sees him getting ready to light up a cigarette. And he throws him, his lighter. You know, just this smooth move guy. He says, here you go, Cal. He he’s an artist. You know, he’s, she’s, she’s drawn to him through, through some of that. And even wants him to remember draw pictures of her. He didn’t ask for anything. He just kinda went with the vibe. He wasn’t chasing her. He wasn’t pursuing her. He was just being a cool cat. And she found that so attractive and he just kinda knew the vibe with it.

Jay (00:35:51):
As we talked about this, I kind of identify with it a lot of times. You know, when I go on vacation, it seems like I, you know, if I’m with my kids or something, and sometimes they want to get from point A to point B. And a lot of times I’m more of kind of the, you know, stop and smell the roses. And just recently I took my daughter to Florida for spring break and we’re in the elevator and we get off and she’s laughing at me and I didn’t know why, but she was like, you were humming. And I was just so immersed in the moment I was happy.

Brad Singletary (00:36:23):
You’re humming in the elevator music and…

Jay (00:36:26):
There was other people on there too. So it was kind of funny, but I didn’t even realize it. I just, I was so immersed in what was going on and just having a good time at that the beach, beautiful weather with my family. And I was just happy. And it kinda does feel like I was embodying a lot of what we’ve talked about with the lover.

Brad Singletary (00:36:44):
Everything is art, you know, when you’re living in that lower energy, everything is beautiful. Everything’s amazing. You know, I’m not a very good photographer. I don’t have any cool things, but I like how things look, I mean, I designed my own office. I designed my own website. I want to what I want to get in a certain mood. I’ve got a whole playlist of things I want to do. Yes. Living in the moment and just experiencing that that’s lover energy all the way. How about you guys? Examples of,

Jim (00:37:12):
And for me being in that, that moment is whenever I go hiking or just out in the woods, like I’ll, I will sit on top of a mountain, just enjoy that view for an hour while my friends are like already done and they’re ready to go back down. Like no I really need this moment for myself. And then I notice when I come back into kind of the reality of things, I’m much more in tune with myself. I feel just this huge, positive energy, just kind of radiating from me that I’ve kind of connected with my own self-love and seeing the world for what it is.

Jim (00:37:47):
That is the best, that, that example of just being out and about, and being one with nature and appreciating the sunrises and the animals and rocks and trees, it doesn’t matter. I had the same experience last weekend, riding 10 miles of hard mountain biking. And when I got done there, I was with, it was just like, you’re in a great mood. I just feel like a kid in the candy store right now. You know, the greatest thing happened. The terrain was amazing. The temperature was wonderful and you know, the winds were light and just puts you in a great mental place.

Brad Singletary (00:38:24):
You guys are lovers all the way here, man. That’s one of the buzz words and kind of the mental health world right now is about mindfulness. And some of that has to do with really tuning into, well, your five senses. You know what, today I was at the park with my kids and I’m like laying on the grass under a tree. The grass is perfectly green and perfect. And it was just a temperature. It was a little bit of dampness, I guess, to the grass, but I’m laying on a towel that they’re going to dry off with later because they’re running under the little water spout, things that come up out of the park. And,uyeah, it’s experiencing and really just noticing what’s around you. How did the shadows fall on the ground? You know, where, what, what is the angle of the sun in the sky? What is the smell of that mountain air and that plant, when you’re talking about hiking, what is the, what is the,

Clint (00:39:18):
You know, the thing about it too, is like, I didn’t have to be out about riding in some beautiful place. Saturday morning, I woke up five o’clock in the morning I had to get out in the sunrise was on fire, you know, right outside my door, beauty everywhere. Edit, take a moment. This week, past couple of weeks been pretty rough for me. And I’ve been after going through and reading through this book and looking at how all these energies show up in my own life. I was like, man, I’m really missing that, that nature side. So I just went out and sat in my backyard in Miami and read a book for like three hours. And I was just like, man, I really needed that last little pick me up. That’s something I think about too, when I’m out and about doing those things is just how grateful I am to be part of this.

Jim (00:40:06):
That, you know, things could always be so much worse. But there’s air in my lungs and I’m just grateful and fortunate to be where I’m at. It’s a good feeling as we talk about people who embody this. And as I was reading about the lover, someone who came to mind was Bob Ross, the famous painter. Oh yes. You know, it’s, it’s, you know, he’s kind of become iconic, but like you watched him as he painted, he wasn’t just putting ink to a piece of paper and drawing a picture. I mean, he embodied everything. You almost like, you know, you could just tell, like he could sense the smell of the pine trees and the flow of the water and the sun. It was just it was on PBS, but it was an amazing show to watch. He’s telling us stories. He’s telling a story as he paints. Yeah, he is. He’s getting all the senses involved.

Brad Singletary (00:41:02):
It seems like he would even talk about like, like he’s the creator, you know, it’s almost like he’s God creating the universe or something like, and I think I’ll just have a nice little tree over here and it’s just his voice and the dynamic in the way he spoke. It’s funny because I was telling you, I was an art major when I got one of his books. I think I was a senior in high school and I got one of his books and I would play some of the videos. And I did a couple of his piece. I did some of his things, you know, I learned some of his techniques. Super cool. Yeah. Bob Ross. Yes, totally.

Jay (00:41:34):
So what you’re saying is you’re going to paint us a picture. Now expect that next week

Jim (00:41:42):
Hollywood, you have you know, Mike Myers, you know, someone who’s always trying to bring people together and promote love and happiness. And even there,

Jay (00:41:55):
You know, and other things we talk about with people that are in that lover, archetype is I’m, I’m kind of jealous of the younger generation. It seems like they do a much better job of going out, looking for those exciting experiences before they actually settled down. It seems like, you know, when I was growing up, you went to college, you got a job, you had your family. It just seems like that that generation now is more connected to all of their senses and finding what drives them. And they’re, they’re pursuing those things before maybe settling into Uh, anything else or using their words.

Brad Singletary (00:42:26):
Yeah. I mean, think about like, for example, tattooing, you know, I kind of grew up in a culture that says, you know, you don’t tell your body’s a temple, you don’t tattoo yourself and things like that, but there’s some cool stuff that people are doing, things like that. They’re just kind of living a little more, it’s remember the energy of play and display. And I, that’s something that I’ve kind of liked as an artist, like seeing what people do with tattoos and their hairstyles and just there’s some, the younger generation you’re right. There’s some colorful folks, you know, it’s really kind of cool.

Jay (00:43:00):
I mean, you, you just, it seems like maybe they did it when I was growing up and I wasn’t aware of it, but it just seems like more people are taking a year to go travel or, or taking time off. And they’ll just, you know, get a part-time job and move from one place to the other. And they just have these experiences and just live life to the fullest, you know? And they, they can’t anymore.

Brad Singletary (00:43:19):
By the way, I wasn’t necessarily promoting tattoos up. My son’s probably listen to this and they’ve told me it comes out. So that’d be a cool tattoo. And I said, no, get to put that on a t-shirt, we’ll make you a bumper sticker with that. Okay.

Clint (00:43:31):
Now you’re just telling me to get the Nike swish one that I have on my, just do it.

Jay (00:43:36):
With these younger generation, you know, that they want to go out and they seek these experiences of it is a fine line between that lover and then that bipolar shadow of the addicted lover.

Brad Singletary (00:43:49):
This is a good point maybe to kind of shift to that. So the, the addicted lover is the active over-achieving shadow of the lover. So he feels that passion just like the lover does. He feels all that stuff. He’s got sensitivity, but he’s consumed by it. If the lover energy creates life, the shadow energy of the addicted lover is destructive. It’s going to destroy him. So he has passions and you can experience pleasure, chasing pleasure, but he’s, doesn’t give life. It actually steals his life. And as a person in recovery myself, I can say that, you know, there’s, there are some really cool things that really feel really good, but you’re overly consumed by sensation and it can really destroy you. That’s what the addicted lover does, whether it’s substances or experiences or women, or whatever.

Jay (00:44:42):
Yeah, I, you almost kind of think of it as the restless and they’re always searching for that thing that makes them feel alive. The man that always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, you know, they’re jumping from one woman to the next one project to the next, you know, they never finished one before they start the next one. It’s almost kind of like a drug that they’re always looking for, that, you know, that next hit, that’s going to give them that, that same pleasure that they had before.

Jim (00:45:08):
Cause I think this individual asks himself, like, why should I put limits on myself? I love the present moment and will indulge intensely into what, what I want with others, regardless of anybody’s else’s boundaries. And he’s also stuck on this, in his own spider web, and instead of untangling himself and reaching towards safety and help, he flusters and ruminates in his own struggle.

Brad Singletary (00:45:31):
Yeah he’s super enmeshed in all of this stuff, you know? And he feels it and enjoys it, but it becomes like maybe he’s an overeater spends too much money. Yeah. I don’t know a pretty boy. He’s overly, overly passionate by what looks good. You know, we talked to her about there’s some style. This is about playing display. You got style, you got some swagger, you got some cool gear, but this guy is just maybe overly you’ve put too much importance on some of that stuff.

Jay (00:46:03):
Or yeah, really only are almost like he’s obsessed or focused on just that one thing that brings him that joy, but ends up ruining everything else in his life. You know, the guy that, that has a hobby, but is so focused and obsessed with that, that he spends all his money on that and he doesn’t have any money to pay rent.

Clint (00:46:24):
So, so the lover archetype, you know, when you get to the addicted one, they, they obviously have no structure. They have no discipline. So, you know, when we talk about the lover, archetype being carefree, they have some discipline and some structure, right? You have a, they have a zest and a love for life, but they know when to say when right it’s addicted just has no structure, no discipline. Can’t say no.

Brad Singletary (00:46:52):
That’s right. He need some of that distance. He needs some detachment in a way, cause he’s continually pursuing. And from the attachment theory stuff, you know, the, the, the, the one who’s pursuing guess who’s on the other end of that. Someone withdrawing and creating distance. And so he’s just endlessly chasing, never really being fulfilled. It said that it, man, I’ve been that guy. I’ve been that guy. And it is just, there’s nothing lonely or there’s nothing more painful than just trying to feel good and never really reaching that.

Jim (00:47:25):
Yeah. That, that this addicted lovers just not grateful, not content, not satisfied, just never good enough. Never will be.

Brad Singletary (00:47:36):
There’s a cool phrase in the book where it talks about he gets caught up, he’s enslaved by the intoxicating dance of sensual things. He alternates between pleasure and pain. So his pleasure actually produces pain. You ever, you ever done that? You ever had a little too much pleasure and he was a little bit painful after whether it’s a sunburn or whether it’s a hangover or whether it’s like riding your bike, riding your bike, you know, you’re sore and you can’t walk the next day or you blew all your money at the casino. I mean, that’s the, the person who’s acting out of this, like immature shadow of the pleasure is producing pain for himself.

Jay (00:48:20):
And will they? Yeah. Their, their lack of control means they’re losing a grip on the reality and morality, and they’re more willing to, you know, justify almost really any behavior in their own mind, just as part of pursuit of that next great experience.

Brad Singletary (00:48:36):
Yeah. This is so common. I mean, men are just, I think overall, I think men are way too caught up in seeking pleasure. Can’t settle down Don Juan syndrome, you know, the womanizer he’s pushed and pulled around by this illusion that the fulfillment is out there in some like feminine form. And he’s just fragmented trying to get that. I had also mentioned like James Bond, Indiana Jones, they love them and leave them kind of guys. They had plenty of experiences. They were never able to like settle into something happy.

Jay (00:49:13):
Is that really? Cause like when you get into a true relationship, I mean, you have the newness from the beginning, that wonderful feeling of getting into a new relationship, but then that is kind of wears out and you actually have to put in some more work. And it’s when they have to put in that work, that they don’t have that same feeling anymore. You want to regenerate it so they just move on.

Brad Singletary (00:49:34):
Yeah. So part of the buzz is the novelty. You know what I mean? Think of the first time you saw your woman naked or the first time he kissed her or whatever. And when the newness wears off of that, you’ve got to have some more interesting experiences. You’re going to a new restaurant this weekend. You’re going to try some new vacation spots or whatever. There’s gotta be some freshness to it. And I think that’s what the lover artist is good at, but the addicted lover he’s just given up too soon and he thinks that this is no good anymore. It just doesn’t feel the same, you know, three years in just doesn’t feel the same. The spark is gone. You know, I don’t feel the same about you. And one of my professors in my graduate program talked about, she was doing research on the fact that the passionate kind of buzzing butterfly sort of love that last about three years and it fades, but you can keep it alive.

Brad Singletary (00:50:31):
I believe that you can keep that alive with novelty, rituals, rituals, the communication, just continuing to recreate it, make it new again, you know, this guy is looking for connection to all beautiful things. He, he wants to experience life in this sensual way. But he’s opposed to boundaries. And so, but what he needs is distance and detachment. Interesting that we’re talking about lover energy, but one healthy part of that is some distance in detachment. That means some days you can be okay without it. All right. So the underachieving shadow of the lover is the impotent lover. Oh, that word impotent lover impotence. What does this person act like?

Jim (00:51:27):
And a lot of times they act depressed, like nothing ever brings them any joy anymore disconnected or really kind of feel disconnected from others most as passion.

Brad Singletary (00:51:39):
Yeah. He just lacks enthusiasm. He’s bored and probably boring. I just talked to a couple last week and the wife is really kind of just kind of feeling bored. She said that his idea of a good time was playing Scrabble on his phone. And I’m just shaking my head going, man, this is, this is how bad things happen. And so either he needs to come alive, turn his brain on, as she would say, or let her go and experience life in a way that she deserves. You know, maybe outside of, you know, maybe they, maybe they realize that they’re, they’re not, they’re not a match. What I would like. I hope he listens to this show. I’m going to send it to him as soon as we post it. It’s a man. This is kind of impotent lover. You’re lacking lively energy remembered libido isn’t just about sex. It’s about life energy.

Jay (00:52:34):
Yeah. They just have no zest for life. You know, they’re bored, depressed enthusiastic about anything, just lost passion and. It’s kind of numbed out. Yeah. It’s, it’s sad. Really. It’s unfortunate.

Clint (00:52:53):
And depression is one of those really hard things to, to get out. You know, I know like since we had to have a hard time really engaging with our own emotions, you know, this depression can last a long time and they’ve forgotten that awareness. They forgot their, their own emotions and how to connect with others. And I think that’s the antecedent for that change.

Brad Singletary (00:53:16):
Where did the energy go? Does this, has he lost the energy? Has he never developed it? If he doesn’t have any zest for life? Is this a decline of some kind or is this he never had it? He never allowed that to be born in himself. Maybe he wasn’t seen by the King. Oh, wasn’t seen by the King.

Jay (00:53:34):
Wasn’t taught out just, wasn’t taught to see the love for life.

Brad Singletary (00:53:41):
I went to a great seminar one time with a company that I worked for and it was based on the book. I think it was called the Oz principle, but it was about accountability and they have this great model where they said your beliefs are shaped by your experiences. So when you think about things that really need to be happening in, in boyhood, if the kid never been out in the never been out in the wild and he’s never experienced, you know, anything colorful or playful in his life, he’d never been on a vacation, never traveled, never experienced something. New, never took a risk. That’s probably going to show up in his life as a lover or as the impotent lover.

Jay (00:54:23):
I grew up without a tribe. You know, we talked about that earlier in some episodes that, you know, you have to have a tribe of people around you and if you’ve isolated yourself and you’re that kind of person that sticks to themselves and you haven’t had those conversations or been around other people, you’re going to be that type of person that isn’t going to develop as the lover.

Clint (00:54:45):
No, it was kind of curious with your statement earlier with like the difference in the generational stuff. You know, I would imagine in the older generation having to work and just go to college and not have these experiences, you know, I do see a lot of, you know, especially older men, kind of this kind of state. Would you kind of agree to that or?

Brad Singletary (00:55:03):
Well, I don’t know if it’s generational or if it’s just age related. I mean, I see all the billboards and the radio ads about like testosterone and stuff. We just kind of lose it. We’re getting tired. We’re not conditioning. Our body testosterone is declining. All these things may be going on. You’re hit 40, 45 years old. And if you’re not, it’s like use it or lose it. So like your muscles, if you’re not using your muscle, they just atrophy. And if you’re not using like active fun energy, haven’t had anything to laugh about. Haven’t pursued any pleasure, like at all, you’re going to lose touch with that side of you.

Jay (00:55:41):
When you were asking earlier, that’s kind of what I was thinking is like, if you don’t, if you don’t maintain your relationship and you don’t do the work, you’re not in tune to what’s going on. It seems like it goes down that at rabbit hole and down that slippery slope that you do lose interest and you don’t have any zest in for life. You’re not having those experiences anymore. And you find yourself, like you said, you’re more interested in looking at Facebook on your phone, on the couch, then, then ravaging your wife in the bedroom.

Jim (00:56:10):
When you you talking about in-tune with your relationship, but it’s in tune with life too. Yeah. And everything around you.

Jay (00:56:16):
Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Brad Singletary (00:56:19):
Is this maybe sometimes coming out of fear. So, you know, he’s, he’s got an attractive partner, you know, she’s interested, but he just kind of withdraws. Is that coming out of fear sometimes?

Clint (00:56:32):
Isn’t that what drives a lot of this is fear?

Brad Singletary (00:56:35):
I would say so this is worried, you know, there’s frustration. He he’s afraid of being hurt, afraid. He doesn’t, he’s gonna make a mistake, just kind of regressed to like a pre sexual boy.

Clint (00:56:52):
He’s in his mind too much. He’s doubting himself. He’s lacking the confidence. You know, he’s not just being, he’s not being carefree to just be in the moment and enjoy it. You know, too much noise is going on in that head again.

Jay (00:57:06):
And I definitely think he he’s that type of person that doesn’t have that confidence. He might have a crush on a girl for a really long time and never has the confidence to go up and talk to her and see what’s going on. He’d rather just go home and masturbate. You know.

Clint (00:57:19):
This really ties into just being depressed and having that sense of hopelessness and that dark cloud hanging over you all the time and not having, like you’re saying the tribe to kind of take you out and try to uplift you. I mean, you can sit here and ruminate for a long, long time. And all you really need to do is just take one step each day to try to engage in is something of great that passion again.

Brad Singletary (00:57:44):
Yeah. If you’re never going anywhere, you never get anything new. You dress poorly. You carry yourself with like lame energy. You might be a nice guy, but you’re never going to score anything not just, you know, sexually or romantically. You got no drive and no desire for any richness in your life. You know, you’ve abandoned your, your hobbies, just going through the motions. You’re afraid of intimacy and sex. That’s the guy who’s living in the impotent lover energy. It’s playing a safe. There’s no adventure in him. I asked guys, sometimes I’ve mentioned this several times in these episodes about when’s the last time you been swimming? When’s the last time you took your kids to the park. When’s the last time you got a sunburn? When does the last time you got something new for yourself that you don’t normally have? It’s interesting. These guys are just literally going through the motions. This lady described her husband the other day is just like his parents. Who’ve lived in the same house for 50 years and sit home and at each other all day. Not a lot of love happening in there.

Jim (00:58:52):
And you ask that guy, what do you enjoy? And they have no answer, complete blank look over their face. I don’t, I don’t know what I enjoy, but what do you want to do in your spare time? I don’t know.

Brad Singletary (00:59:07):
Yeah. I’m 45 years old and I haven’t had a hobby since I was 13. That’s sadness, man. That is a tragic situation where there be no flavor. That’s complete disengagement from life. So we’ve talked about the lover in his fullness. We’ve talked about the bipolar shadows of the addicted lover and the underachieving shadow of the impotent lover. So if a man wants to improve this part of his life, how does he fully access the lever energy with himself? What are some things that he can do to create some more passion and zest?

Jay (00:59:48):
I think you have to stop and experience things that you’ve already have, or you’ve already done it. You know, a lot of these individuals and these men, they get so wrapped up in life or work and they go from point a to point B, but stop, take a look around and just start to appreciate and feel everything that’s around you.

Brad Singletary (01:00:10):
I like that. I saw something one time that said, if all you do is go around looking for things to be grateful for, you’re going to have a spectacular life. There’s so many things. If you think about, I don’t know when you’re saying experiencing, I just sometimes drive down the road and just listen to the sound of my tires and think, man, I’m so glad that I’ve got a working vehicle or, and these socks I’m wearing right now are so cool that I love it on my feet right now.

Jim (01:00:33):
I have clean water to take a shower with. Yeah. I’m just grateful.

Brad Singletary (01:00:36):
This soap smells good.

Clint Albright (01:00:40):
Yeah. I think to, to access that is just patience. You know, not being in such a hurry, take the time to enjoy, you know, find time to work, but find time to relax. And I think it’ll kind of come naturally for you. Yeah. Don’t go

Brad Singletary (01:00:58):
Spend a thousand dollars on some crazy new hobby and think you’re going to kind of overnight turn into, you know, Jack Black or Jack from the Titanic or whatever. If it’s been 30 years since you’ve done anything fun, give it a lap at a time and learn to appreciate the moment. Maybe,

Jay (01:01:17):
You know, and I, I can attest like personally, like I don’t know how it is for other men, but for me, like, wait, sometimes I struggle with my weight and the more weight that I put on the, it seems like the more recluse and the more, probably important lover that I become. But when I shed that way, you start to feel better about yourself. You’re out doing more things, experiencing, able to give to others a lot more. And so I think sometimes like, especially men, like your physical appearance can, can play a big part of that

Brad Singletary (01:01:48):
Feeling like a stud. And you can walk confidently into some new situation or into your bedroom or wherever, whatever it is you’re doing. That makes a big difference. I, one time I weighed 430 pounds and I don’t know where I heard this or saw it, but there was something which I knew what it was from, but it was saying, you know, if you, if you have a problem with like, especially like serious, you know, morbid obesity, my thought is you’re probably not having a very fulfilled sex life. Hate to say it. I’ve been

Brad Singletary (01:02:20):
That person before and it’s just, man, there’s, there’s so much more pleasurable things in life than indulging in like food or some other substance or gambling or porn or those things are just destructive and they keep you from fulfillment. So wait, I’m totally with you on that, Jay. So accessing that lover energy means, I think that you have a sense of meaning and purpose or some drive. He has a sense of passion and compassion. Those are things you have to think. You have to develop, especially if you’ve been disconnected from it. What could you be passionate about if you want it to be passionate about something, dude, what would it be? You don’t have any passions. You don’t have any hobbies. If you wanted a hobby, if you, if you could enjoy something outdoors, what would it be? Maybe you don’t have to know how to smoke meat, you know, climb mountains like a, like Clinton over here.

Brad Singletary (01:03:16):
But if there was anything that you wanted to explore in a like sensory stimulating way, what would it be? I think those, those are good questions for a man to ask himself. And just to start experimenting, if you’ve got a pet, a dog, if you got kids, just let them lead you to some things they’ll let you they’ll show you how to be goofy.

Jay (01:03:38):
Get off the tracks, get out of your own way. I think sometimes we’re our own worst enemy. You know, you get out there, be spontaneous, be adventurous, but I think we overthink it a lot and we just don’t get out of our own way.

Clint Albright (01:03:50):
Yeah. I mean, that’s why I got the Nike swish tattooed on my foot and says, just do it. So in those moments I might be feeling depressed or, you know, in these, these shadows, I can look at my right foot and just say, you know what Clint just put your right foot forward and just do it. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations. See what happens.

Brad Singletary (01:04:08):
Take a step, put yourself in position.

Clint Albright (01:04:11):
Just try to remind yourself to go out and explore.

Brad Singletary (01:04:14):
There was a, when I taught in a graduate program, this was for counseling students. They read a book called the family crucible and I forget the guy’s name, but this was a therapist from like seventies, Whitaker, I think was his last name. But anyway, he talked about that. People needed to get in touch with their absurdity. And in more recent years, some of the cognitive behavioral folks talk about attacking your shame, do something silly on purpose, do something ridiculous on purpose. I love the example of like the show practical jokers go around. And they’re just like doing goofy, goofy things and it’s fun. And most people don’t trip out on them.

Brad Singletary (01:04:54):
It’s just, it’s just funny. And they learn to experiment in, they’re like in a store here, hold this toilet seat for while I, you know, you’re holding my baby while I run over here real quick and no one would ever do that. But if you’re just trying to live in the moment, have some fun shame attacking exercises. So my wife used to work at this chocolate store in the forum shops in Caesar’s palace. And it was just like exotic chocolate. And it would have like bee pollen in it, gold flakes all kinds of crazy things. But when you looked on the package, I mean, part of her job was to know her product. And so she was always bringing home these crazy chocolates and it talked about here’s how you eat chocolate, you rub it, you feel it, you smell it. You know, when you put it in your mouth, you just kind of let it melt. You just kind of experience it. You’re just kind of having a, you’re not just garbling it down, you know,

Clint (01:05:57):
That’s the addictive. Down right away.

Brad Singletary (01:06:00):
Yeah. Just if you’re just trying to fill up the space and kind of get full, but to notice the nuances and flavors and things.

Jay (01:06:08):
I can identify that with that too, is I’m not a wine drinker, but I’ve been to like a, a winery and then you go in and you do the tastings and stuff and the waiters or waitresses that are behind the bar that are serving those to you. They’re really into that. They, you know, they, the different flavors and aromas and really looking into color. Yeah. This title, the subtlety leads down the glass. It’s, it’s a whole art form that they’re really in tuned to all of that. And they call those a Somalia 78, something like that. Yeah.

Clint Albright (01:06:43):
One of my favorite comedians and actors is Jim Carey. And I think he really shows that kind of live in that moment through a lot of his work and even in his own personal life. But there’s one quote that really has always resonated with me from him. And it goes you’re already enabled to do beautiful things in this world. And as you walk through the doors today, you’ll have two choices, love or fear choose love, and don’t let fear turn against your playful heart.

Brad Singletary (01:07:09):
Oh, that’s awesome. That’s good.

Clint Albright (01:07:14):
I definitely have to say learning to cook is one the biggest things for me to re-engage with some of my passions, I love cooking for other people. It love barbecuing and just have everyone over and really engage in those moments.

Brad Singletary (01:07:25):
Yeah. That’s connecting. It’s very sensual. You know, there’s a smell to it. There’s texture, there’s temperature. There’s so many like layers when you’re, when, when you’re really kind of getting busy with the food, you know, that, that, that, that is a very nice way to, to engage with the lover energy.

Jay (01:07:44):
Would you say that when we talk about trying to get into this lover energy, that a lot of men probably know they should do, but just don’t. So is it really just putting that foot forward?

Brad Singletary (01:07:57):
I would say so. Yeah. There’s just fear holding them back. They’re afraid. They’re going to look silly. You know, they’re afraid they’re going to seem inadequate or inferior in some way. I remember the first time I went snowboarding, I was just angry the whole time I grew up in Florida where it’s flat and there’s no snow. I had no idea. It turned into something that I really loved, but man, a new experience, a new challenge, you know, out of your comfort zone, no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone.

Brad Singletary (01:08:31):
What about things like style? You know, stuff like that. I mean, we don’t, we don’t want to become all like metro-sexual or anything here, but what about cleanliness? I mean, there was a guy in one of my groups the other night and his wife’s been complaining forever. He’s kind of a laborer type in that she’s wish she would take a shower. What about grooming and stuff like that?

Clint (01:08:52):
I think taking a shower as a basic professor, I mean, I would complain to get some Axe, body wash, man, but I mean, taking care of yourself in that capacity is just an expression of your own self-love that you’re taking care of yourself and it kind of bleeds out to everyone else that you, you know. Yeah. Basically

Brad Singletary (01:09:24):
I had a funny thing. One time I like smells, you know, so I like cologne and different things like that smell good and I realized several years ago that the stuff that I was wearing, it smelled good to me. They were things that I wanted to smell. My wife hated it. And when I, when she was like, yeah, I don’t like that. I don’t like that. And I’m thinking, but I do. I’m wearing this for me. You know, I’m wearing this for me. And I’m like, what I’m going to, going to go around, smelling myself. I mean, that’s kind of like masturbation with smell. It’s all about me in, in any way when I realized, so I tried on some of the stuff that she liked and I learned to like it, because it was like, I’m trying to, you know, I want to smell a certain way for her. I don’t know if that makes sense.

Clint (01:10:02):
Yeah. You got out of your comfort zone.

Brad Singletary (01:10:04):
How about style, Mr. Jim? You’re you’re you gotta got a way about you. That’s not at all overly done over done. What’s your approach to like, I don’t know, clothing and stuff like that, you know, it’s it doesn’t seem like you got some intentional way about you. You got the same thing too, for sure, Clint, like how do you decide what, what looks good? I mean, how do you, Jay’s I guess I’m a slot nerd. He simple keeps it easy. Well, whoever, I mean, all of it, you, you had that too Jay, for sure.

Jay (01:10:40):
You don’t have to lie. I come from the Midwest. It’s very plain Jay.

Brad Singletary (01:10:48):
It’s all about being practical.

Jim (01:10:49):
I, I don’t, I, you know, I know you’ve mentioned that a couple times. I don’t feel like I have style per se. I just, I try to wear things that are comfortable and look decent together. Yeah.

Brad Singletary (01:11:02):
What’s the approach. I mean, is it just, Hey, I like this, this was good. Or do you, do you know how things match up? You know what I mean? Do you know, like this doesn’t go with that. And again, don’t, we don’t want to turn our, our, our listeners into, you know, fashionistas over here, but like, how do you approach things like color and what you’re wearing? And like

Jim (01:11:24):
I mean, for me, I just wear whatever. I really don’t care what other people think about what I wear, but I want to be comfortable. I wear a lot of sustainable clothing and stuff, and I’m also wearing a Pokemon hat for crying out loud right now. I want to get that hat for my son and my teenagers. I went to a very preppy kind of school and I was the Gothic kid with like tight black jeans with all of our rock rocker, blonde purple and blonde hair. I just didn’t really care. I was like, you know what? I’m on this life one time and I’m just going to enjoy it. You know, if I, if someone makes fun of me, that’s on them, but I’m happy with me.

Brad Singletary (01:12:03):
And I bet that was that I bet that worked. I bet that was like people found. And maybe that’s what Jay was saying that younger, the younger generation, the rest of us are kind of old dudes in here, but maybe that just playful approach to it and not overthinking it and not being too serious about it. Not taking yourself too seriously. Maybe that works.

Clint (01:12:23):
When I see something and it just fits, you know, just, it describes me.

Jay (01:12:30):
Well, I can, I can talk towards not having style and going through a divorce and having to get back out in the dating pool and going, Oh, ,my white new balance is no yard. Aren’t going to work anymore. What am I going to do? And you know, for, for all of all of you listening that have that crappy style get online. I mean, I’m not too proud to say that, you know, I got on Instagram and maybe a few times on Pinterest or stuff like that, but I got on there and I actually, I found a guy that literally probably makes a crap ton of money, but he posts different out. Like you post different outfits, like every day. And so like, I was able to go through there and go, Hey, that looks kind of good. Well that, Hey, that looks good together. And then I went out and actually was able to purchase some clothes. It made me actually look halfway decent.

Brad Singletary (01:13:21):
I love it. Just the idea of research. I’ve talked about this so many times, if you don’t know something, have you ever tried to look for it? Have you ever Googled the? You know, I remember looking one time at like, okay, facial hairstyles for bald men with round faces and it’s there and here it is, maybe this is where we ended up you know, I remember feeling like all ashamed about gray, gray hair. And if you just, you know, nothing inappropriate or flirty or anything like that, but a few women kind of said that gray hair is something else and they liked it. And I was like, okay, but if I’d never attempted it, I wouldn’t have had, I feel good in my kids now telling me, dad, don’t you ever shave? They seen pictures of me and they’re like, never shaved, but like you too have facial hair, how do you do it that way? Is that just lazy? Don’t want to shave or is there intentional about jow you carry yourself?

Clint (01:14:14):
And I just don’t like my baby face.

Jay (01:14:17):
Yeah. I’m not, I’m not a clean shave person either. I just, it’s just kind of intuitive kind of a little shorter or let it grow out a little bit longer. That was to say something too about the style and Pinterest and things like that. Have you ever asked your woman to take you shopping and let her dress you?

Brad Singletary (01:14:35):
Yeah. And don’t turn it down. Don’t say no, no, no. Let her decide.

Clint (01:14:39):
I did something like that recently. And I was completely out of my wheelhouse, but it looked freaking good. I was, I let her do it and it probably made you feel good too. Yeah. Anyways. [inaudible]

Brad Singletary (01:15:00):
Yeah, seriously though. But to have openness, remember we started out, but this is kind of an artist type of person. You gotta be open. You gotta be willing to like receive new information. You gotta be able to see it. And sometimes that means through other people, the feedback that you get sometimes.

Clint (01:15:15):
Yeah. I mean, you get blinders, you can have blinders with style, right? Just like anything. And you kinda just have to step back or maybe help have someone else help you see it.

Brad Singletary (01:15:27):
I just think it’s important. You know, I, I saw something one time. It’s kind of been my motto about life is just everything counts. Everything is taking you either closer to what you want or further away from it. So what kind of stuff you’re wearing and buying and the vehicle you drive and how you speak and just everything matters.

Brad Singletary (01:15:49):
And so don’t be afraid. Don’t think it’s gay to go pick out some kind of clothing that you want to, you know, you just want to look better. They’ll think that that’s some kind of weak or feminine trait that you’re trying to spray things. And you know, you’re a Dillard’s spray in, at the counters. Colognes are asking your woman what you think she, you think she thinks you should wear? It all matters, man. Cause you’re trying to kind of get tuned in to what not only feel it makes you feel better, stronger as a man and more like attractive, but to be more attractive to her.

Clint (01:16:24):
But at the same time, it’s also not caring. I mean your, your significant other. Yes. But those around you, you know, if you’re being sidetracked or distracted by, you know you’re worried about how they perceive you, name worth it. Cause it doesn’t even matter.

Brad Singletary (01:16:42):
Yeah. That’s inner, that’s the energy that you’re saying. And it wouldn’t matter if you’re dressed to the nines. If you feel anxious and uneasy about it, that’s what they pick up. It almost doesn’t matter. That’s what I’m saying about chubby, you know, Jack Black dancing around carrying himself. It’s not, it’s how you carry yourself. That’s great. That’s, that’s an important point. I think smiling is just one of the most attractive things in the world. Somebody suggested to me that maybe all humans have a two, a teeth fetish, you know, tooth fetish, because it’s like, think of how attractive it is when you see someone smiling, they don’t even have to have straight teeth. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just, it’s something that’s opens and warms the whole vibe. So universal language, universal language, smiling will get you somewhere so simple.

Jay (01:17:34):
I also think getting communication skills, learning how to talk to people. I mean, you come recluse and become that important lover when you don’t know how to get out confidence, talk to other people and engage them.

Brad Singletary (01:17:52):
Well, especially about, we’ve already talked about this, about like sexual fulfillment to be able to talk about that. You know, a lot of guys were literally, I hear this complaint all the time by women. Like he comes up to me and like squeezes my boobs in the kitchen and he thinks that’s taking me somewhere. And that doesn’t you know, you’re you get out of the shower and you say, can we do the nasty? Like, that’s just not all that. That’s not all that clamor. Maybe sometimes you do that. But to communicate not only about your needs and whatever, but to communicate in a way that reaches her, I love the five love languages. That’s just something every man should know about. Words of affirmation, quality timem gifts, physical touch, physical touch. And I don’t know if I say the act of service that was the fifth one. Yeah. So there’s so many skills out there. And so if you’re feeling like you’re an impotent lover, there’s so much you could do. One of my clients actually introduced me to this thing called sensate focus, which is about non-sexual touch, but it’s about focusing very mindfully on the power of intimate touch with really, without expecting any penetration or favors at the end of that. But just learning to be connected to the moment connected to your body partner’s body.

Clint Albright (01:19:23):
I like that sensate focus a lot. And I, I tell a lot of clients just to do that, just to increase intimacy is grab your partner by the hand and just look at their hand. Like you’ve never seen it before. Just touch it. You know, look at it, Just recognize, like this is the hand of the person you love. It’s like you’re mapping it and just taking that time to really just give that appreciation to somebody else. So you get creases that intimacy.

Brad Singletary (01:19:49):
Yeah. They’re going to feel that you’re going to feel it too. If you’re looking for things to be grateful for. If you’re looking for beauty, you’re going to find it. I remember moving to the desert here. I grew up in Florida where there’s beaches and rivers and lakes and streams everywhere. I moved to the desert, just thought this was just, I lived in hell and I’ve really over the last 15 years learned to really appreciate it here. There’s a beauty everywhere and it could be in that chubby hand of your lover, you know, it could be in our bony ankles. I don’t know, whatever, whatever it is you’re looking at. Try to experience it, feel it, notice it, notice what you do like about it. Talk about those things.

Brad Singletary (01:20:38):
I think knowing how to colourfully compliment. So don’t just say, thank you. I’ve talked about this as some of the other episodes. Don’t just say, thank you. Say good God Almighty. That’s the best spaghetti I ever had in my life. And that may not be the way you communicate, but just to see if you can make it a little more, you know, colorful a little more dramatic, you know, kinda dance around, open your eyes all wide and you know, make silly sounds about that.

Jay (01:21:11):
You know, you’ve talked about that in other podcasts before too. And I know we’ve talked about it is kind of that overemphasis sometimes of your appreciation or your compliments and woo. Yeah, you gotta like, they come out, you know, they’re, they’re dressed to the nines and they got a new dress or something instead of just saying, Oh, that looks, that looks good. Oh man, you look hot in that. Or you are gorgeous. Be like, you know, man, you look good doing a dance and stuff. And I’ve actually tried that in the it’s amazing. Just the, the transformation in them, like the smile and how good they feel just from that extra over emphasis on it.

Brad Singletary (01:21:48):
You know, I, so I have six kids, six boys, my youngest two are four and five now. And if you ever have a hard time with children, because this is the, the lover energy is not just about romance and sexuality, but if you can be dramatic like a cartoon character and throw your voice and whatever a kid will listen to you and they will love engaging with you. If you can just be a little goofy, make faces and we lose that sense of play, we get all serious. And we just don’t, just don’t allow ourselves to be like free and spontaneous. And I think that’s what the lover energy is really all about. Closing thoughts. You guys, anything about how a man can really tune into the fullness of the lower energy.

Clint (01:22:32):
Take a moment, be aware of where you’re at know that you deserve love, you deserve to receive love, and you should be able to give that out as much as possible. This life is finite. I know I’ve been around a lot of death in my life and each time I’ve lost somebody it’s made me really want to engage more and more and share my life experience with people.

Jay (01:22:56):
Be present, be attentive and be willing to stop and smell those and enjoy life’s experiences in no matter what you’re doing.

Jim (01:23:10):
Like what you just ended on about being colorful because not everything’s just black and white, you know, you got to expand on it and throw some color into it, throw some attitude into it and make the most of it. Be grateful.

Brad Singletary (01:23:27):
I think my closing thought would just be to have new experiences. Don’t be afraid of things you have never done before and be dramatic. You know, I guess I’m probably a pretty boring. My energy normally is just pretty boring monotone. The more I kind of, you have to intentionally do this, if you’re introverted or whatever, if you can just pull it where from wherever you have to pull this energy from. But if you can just be a little bit more, just a little louder, your, the dynamics in your voice are up and down and you can change your facial expression. You are a much more attractive person. You are more fulfilled. You’re not always chasing this around. You guys, I really appreciate it. This has been, this is kind of the final, main segment of this this podcast series. It’s been awesome. When I look at all four of you, I really do feel like you do kind of embody those four things, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, and I’ve just appreciated getting to learn from you throughout this. We’re going to next week, we’re going to have just a short little summary of kind of how some of this maybe applies in our personal life. And until next time guys, no excuses, Alpha up.