OLYMPIAN SPEAKS – Being ALPHA Against All Odds

OLYMPIAN SPEAKS – Being ALPHA Against All Odds

EPISODE 63

OLYMPIAN SPEAKS

BEING ALPHA AGAINST ALL ODDS

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063:

OLYMPIAN SPEAKS

Being ALPHA against all odds

This is the inspiring story of an Alpha who became that against all odds.

Bill Schuffenhauer spent some of his childhood homeless and was in 17 foster homes because of his mother’s addictions and prostitution. As he became a man, he made some Alpha decisions about who he was going to be and became a three-time Olympian.

He is now a motivational speaker, an advocate for homeless families and coaches corporations and mentors men dealing with depression, addiction and suicidal impulses. This is such a big opportunity to learn from a guy who’s been there and done that, from the despair that led to a suicide attempt, himself, to representing the USA in three Olympic Games and winning the first medal for the US in 46 years in four-man bobsled. Trust me, this will challenge you to reach for the Alpha in you.

Questions answered today:

  1.  When did you first realize that you were special and had some gifts and talents?  
  2. You had every excuse in the book…why didn’t you fall into the trap of making excuses?  
  3. When was your athletic journey the hardest and what did you do then?  
  4. What was your motivation to succeed?  
  5. Of all of your accomplishments and successes, what single moment stands out the most as a defining moment in your journey? Describe that.  
  6. Do you or did you have haters?  
  7. What struggle are you the most proud of for pushing through?  
  8. What makes a man a real man?  
  9. What is the most ‘alpha’ thing about you and were you born with that or did you develop it?  
  10. What are you doing now?

 

Links:

https://www.olympianspeaks.com/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Schuffenhauer

https://www.olympicchannel.com/en/original-series/detail/against-all-odds/against-all-odds-season-season-1/episodes/bill-schuffenhauer-silver-tale-from-salt-lake-city/

https://www.facebook.com/billtheolympian

https://www.instagram.com/billschuffenhauer/

https://twitter.com/olympianspeaks?lang=en

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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Brad Singletary (00:00):
Today’s guests grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah. His mother was a prostitute and drug addict who was often beaten in front of him. He had to steal, to eat from trash cans and was once caught trying to break into a bicycle store to steal something to sell for food. His mother was often evicted and he lived in foster homes until he went to live with his grandmother. He discovered his athletic talent and went to Weber State University on dual scholarships in track and football. As a college to decathlete, he won the junior nationals. After college, he was among the top five decathletes in the world. He injured his ankle while training for the Sydney Olympics in 2000 and thought his Olympic dreams were over. He then won a silver medal in the four man bobsled in the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City. He then competed in the 2006 Torino and 2010 Vancouver Olympics.

Brad Singletary (01:36):
Welcome back to the alpha quorum show. Brad Singletary here. This is a pretty exciting opportunity for me and for the men who listen to this show, we have a somewhat smaller, but a worldwide audience. And this guy today is our biggest guest to date. Bill Schuffenhauer joins us who has seen and done many things in his life. Things that most of us couldn’t even imagine, including being homeless on one end of his life and at other parts of his life competing in Olympic games and standing on the podium, winning medals. And so we’re just very happy to have you here, bill. Thank you so much, man. It’s been a long time. We, we first met in Ogden, Utah. We had some kind of mutual friends and and I I’ll never forget the, the pride that I felt when I watched you stand up there with the, you know, the American flag draped over you. You’re holding up the silver medal and there’s like, I know that dude, I drank kava with that, dude. I’ve been in, I’ve been in that dudes house. So those are, so those are some fun times.

Bill Schuffenhauer (02:41):
That’s great. I appreciate it. Thanks for having me.

Brad Singletary (02:47):
So tell me, man, what, when did you first realize that you were special? You know, when, when I hear about this childhood and some of the struggles in your family and stuff, there had to come a point where you, where you’re like, wait a minute, there might be something really kind of cool about me. That’s different than other people. When does that moment?

Bill Schuffenhauer (03:07):
Yeah, I mean, you know, it all honestly started when I moved from salt Lake city where I was, you know, basically run the streets and getting in trouble all the time. And you know, I was living with my mom at the time and she got in trouble. And so we were facing a situation where she was going to either have to give me up to foster care again. So that would have meant like my foster home or yeah, so I couldn’t even out of 17 different foster homes. So but the state gave him my grandma and oxen to take him in and playing. So you know, obviously we went with that route and my, my grandma lived in Roy at the time. So I moved from, you know, the, the life I was living down here in salt Lake city to will Utah.

Bill Schuffenhauer (03:52):
And so when, when I moved up there, it was just something different. Right. And I, I wanted to get more involved and be a part of, you know, just, just different atmosphere. You know, all these kids seem like they were all happy all the time. There wasn’t any gang banging there wasn’t drugs, you know, there wasn’t prostitution and all this other stuff and partying, all the stuff that was going on that I was experiencing in salt Lake. And so the first time when I, you know, watched this one kid named Jake Scholtz go out to what later times it’d be track practice. You know, I turned my first negative into a positive because I was good at running from cops and jumping fences and filter. You might be right at my eighth mile. And, you know, originally I just did it because I wanted to be a part of something.

Bill Schuffenhauer (04:41):
But when I did my first competition at Ogden high school, in fact, and my first ever event, and I’m funny enough, I’ve never even talked about this on a podcast. My first ever track event that I competed in, in my entire life was a a hundred meter dash at Ogden high school. And I remember running out raise and I held my breath the whole way and ended up winning the race. And I was like, wow, that was really cool. Right. And you know, I don’t, I don’t think it, you know, it didn’t, it took a while before I realized that, you know, that I had something cool, but I, more importantly, I realized I didn’t want to grow up the way that my mom was providing that lifestyle. And when you take a kid who’s seventh, eighth or ninth grade, you know, and typically their concern is about school and friends and all that stuff.

Bill Schuffenhauer (05:29):
And my concern was about like, how can I change my life? So, and I’ll end up like, you know, my mom was, and, you know, when I decided to make that, that goal in life to be something different and try and find a new direction for myself, I just knew that was just a little bit outside of the box. But it, you know, athletically, I didn’t really realize that I had some special gifts until like my first year of high. And I like to be helped with a bunch of state championships all the way high, but went to junior nationals and placed in the top three in junior nationals. And you know, still ranked top, top five in the world, even then. So that’s when I was able to combine like my joy of actually competing in something and do something that was a part of and realizing that I was actually good at it naturally. And then just eventually along the way I figured out, you know, the more work you put in and smarter, you train and take care of your body, you know, the better you can tell me. So it wasn’t until honestly, probably about high school when I was like, Hmm, this is actually pretty cool.

Brad Singletary (06:39):
Yeah, man, you had every excuse in the book. I mean, you had every reason to fail. You had every reason to quit. You had every reason to think, well, I don’t have the support. Like I don’t even, I don’t even live with my parents. I mean, that’s something that probably doesn’t happen a lot in smaller towns in Utah. You know, this is a different you’re, you’re, you’re really kind of in a different situation than maybe most of the people you, you were around there once you moved. But what, what helped you not fall into the trap of making excuses?

Bill Schuffenhauer (07:13):
You know, what it was, it was, you know, what I mentioned before, it was just the negativity of how I was growing up in the first place. And just looking at that lifestyle and being like, I don’t, I don’t want that in my life. Like one day I’m going to have to grow up one day, I’m going to want to have kids my own. And I don’t want them going through like what I had to go through, you know? And it’s just like, it was just so clear to me back then as a kid, but that’s not what I wanted. I just, wasn’t gonna let anything get in my way.

Brad Singletary (07:43):
Did you ever have any idea that athletics was the route? I mean, that, that was the way, I mean, that ended up, that ended up, you know, you get a scholarship to colleges, how you got your education and it led to other opportunities. Did you kind of know like, Hey, this is my thing. This is what’s going to help me lift me out of my circle.

Bill Schuffenhauer (08:03):
No, I would say after the fact, but like, you know, the whole time I’m a kid who just doesn’t really have a whole lot of direction. And, you know, although eventually I connected with my teachers and my coaches and mentors along the way to help me out. Even, you know, when I graduated high school, I had scholarship offers to every university in the country and I was going to actually go get a job and just work. And my coach was like, what are you talking about? Like, you know, you can’t do that. And you know, when like, you know, coaches are like, well, you could actually go to school, you know, and get all your school paid for. And then, you know, that’s when the first big, big cost of, you know, potentially making an Olympic team came into play. And so, you know, it is what it is like, you know, education in reality became my first passion so that I could actually could compete, you know?

Bill Schuffenhauer (09:00):
And you know, like if you’re a kid who has bad grades, you can’t compete on the team. And seventh grade I had like all F’s and a D minus. And so eventually work with my teachers and stuff, and my coaches to pull my grades up high enough, like a 3.6, 3.7, so that I could compete on the team. And you know, that’s just when I was like, you know, I’ll combine, you know, that, and, and being an educated athlete and also being an athlete that competes at a high level together. And you know, when I did that, I was like, wow, it was like so many opportunities in life. You know, but we just, you know, we had to recognize him and to start taking it for granted

Brad Singletary (09:41):
Some point, you know, you’ve got these coaches talking yet, but at some point you actually had to have the balls and the audacity to say, I could go to the Olympics. I could compete. I could try, I could, I could try out, I could, I could aim. I could shoot for that, that goal. That’s,

Bill Schuffenhauer (09:56):
That’s huge. I mean,

Brad Singletary (09:58):
How did you ever get that kind of courage to even start talking about that vocally? I mean, you’re saying the word Olympics.

Bill Schuffenhauer (10:07):
Yeah. You know, it’s it all first started off, you know, once I was getting involved with track and field I just really enjoyed that camaraderie of, of sport and coaches and teammates. And I really enjoyed competition and I loved going to a track and doing five, you know, being the only guy who’s doing five, six, seven events and placing in top three and all of them, you know, and I just really enjoyed that. And yeah, I just, it was just, it became a passion that I just really enjoyed. And, you know, you know, along the years, you know, people, you talk about how you can get burned out, whether it’s, you know, a new relationships or work or whatever it is. And I always had to like reground or recenter myself and realize that I was doing this because I really enjoyed the sport.

Bill Schuffenhauer (10:57):
And I enjoyed it for these reasons. And I was using it as a platform to help change my life for the better. And so, you know, this is what I went with and, you know, it’s one of those things where, you know, there’s probably some luck along the way, but at the end of the day, you know, you can still be surrounded with the best coaches, best mentors, best bosses, best teachers, whatever it is. But at the end of the day, you still gotta get up and decide to put those pants on one leg at a time. And that she go out there and still do the work. And and that, you know, that work ethic also came from my coaches and stuff too. But, you know, for the most part, it just started off because I really enjoyed the sport and enjoyed the comradery. And I loved the competition. I love winning.

Brad Singletary (11:46):
So what was your, what was the hardest part of your whole athletic journey? And what did you do when it difficult? I know you probably had tons of ups and downs.

Bill Schuffenhauer (11:57):
Yeah. I don’t know if there was like one single moment. It is what it is. You, you, you know, with whatever you have in life, you know, there’s going to be the ups and downs. There’s going to be times where you’re in the trenches and you feel like, you know, there’s no hope and you know, it’s, you have to continue to push on. And that’s what I did. And, and, and through those times of pushing on and, and, you know, going past the point of like giving up for anything, and that’s when you realize like, Oh man, this is so worth it. And so there’s a lot of hard times, you know, there’s tons and tons of hard times. And, you know, people hear that whole story that Michael Jordan, you know, failed more times and succeeded. And that’s just, that’s normal for people that are competing at that level.

Bill Schuffenhauer (12:44):
You know, again, whether it’s sports or business with mys, you know, you have to take those failures in mind as learning experiences and not look at them as failures, you know, and once you reassess, like, okay, you know, this is how this went. It didn’t go the way we planned, you know, then you can kind of get back to the drawing table and, and reassess and say, okay, like, this is like a view to make some improvements here, improves there. So, you know, if you don’t get up and dust yourself off and get back off a horse, and you’re just still laying on the ground and you’re not moving anywhere. So I valued all my hard times. There was a lot of them along the way, you know, there’s times where I went to a big need that I was supposed to win and ended up getting injured and didn’t win, or, you know, miss making the Olympics in 2000. And you know, there’s a handful of things, but I just always utilize those situations of learning lessons as opposed to things that would hold, hold me down.

Brad Singletary (13:35):
Yeah. So it must’ve been quite a down, or you’re preparing for the Sydney Olympics in 2000 and you get an injury that was, you know, you couldn’t even walk after that. And that must’ve been, so there’s this buildup, there’s this ambition. And now, now I can really break out and be big. You had done some big things already with these junior nationals, top five and all that, but that must have been such a like deflating, discouraging thing. Like, ah, man, I was, was almost there. I was almost, I was almost going to do it now, this huge like setback creative problem. How’d you? What was your attitude at that time?

Bill Schuffenhauer (14:12):
Yeah. You know, and, and, you know, being honest, like that was definitely one of the hardest ones, just because, you know, I had done so well throughout that whole season. You know, I qualified for early in the year, I qualified for Olympic trials was actually ranked number one in the world for half the season. And just everything was going my way. And you know, you have the media, you have friends, you’ve got family, you’ve got community that’s supporting you. And you, you tend to like carry that weight on your shoulders, but you do it for like several reasons. First off, you enjoy carrying that weight because you want to make, not only yourself, that proud you want to make all these people around you that proud, but at the same time when it doesn’t work out that weight’s still there and you feel like you let everyone down you know, including yourself.

Bill Schuffenhauer (15:02):
So you know, that experience was pretty devastating for me. And you know, it is what it is. I kind of did a whole tuck my tail between the legs and just thought life was over. It’s like, Oh, I guess I’ll just go to school and be a normal person. And you know, so, you know, out of many of the different hard hurdles that I’ve experienced in life, I definitely would have been one of them, but obviously, you know, as we talked about earlier is like utilizing these failures as learning lessons. And, you know, once I was able to pull myself back up and get a clear mind and try to refocus, then another opportunity popped up.

Brad Singletary (15:42):
Yeah. So you, you go rehab your foot, you get yourself fixed up. I don’t know if you’re, you know, you’re training or you’re just kind of given all that up. And you’re just kind of living as an average ordinary guy. But when did the, when did the next opportunity come because you had, you had such a reputation, people knew who you were and, and you were well-liked, I’m sure. Such a likable guy. What, when did the next thing happened? So someone approached you about 2002, or how did you get yourself in position for that?

Bill Schuffenhauer (16:13):
Yeah. it wasn’t too long after that, you know, because you have the summer Olympics, which is every four years, you have the winter Olympics, which is every four years. But back to back, you’ve got, you know, winter to summer, which is only two years apart. So it was only a few months until I just had a friend that approached me and, you know, they knew my story and they’re like, how cool would that be if you actually trained for the winter Olympics? And I’m like, what are you talking about? I don’t figure skating.

Brad Singletary (16:46):
There’s no track in the winter Olympics. Right. You’re thinking, what am I doing?

Bill Schuffenhauer (16:49):
All right. What are you talking about? It’s crazy. And so, so, you know, they introduced me to Bob slid and, and honestly I was introduced to the sport of bobsled via that movie. Cool. Runnings. and that’s, you know, that was my first experience about learning about Bob said, it’s about four Jamaican guys, you know, didn’t boss around by John candy. But you know, we, we really looked at it as a serious, you know, opportunity and we’re like, you know, what, how cool would that be? If we could literally design or architecture of sport exactly the way we wanted to. And we take your life of how you grew up here in salt Lake city, and you turn it all around to eventually compete in a sport you’ve never done before. You don’t even know that he’s an existed. And this is only a year and three months before the Olympics, like how cool that’d be if we wrote that story.

Bill Schuffenhauer (17:40):
And basically what came down to is like, Hey, he’s got nothing to lose. All we gotta do is take everything that we put into tracking, sealed, and focusing on those. They can just put it over here into a bobsled focus and just go for it and give it all we can and see what happens. And, and you know, that’s what we did. And a year and three months later, I, you know, make the Olympic team and up on the podium here in salt Lake city, literally two blocks away. I was eating out of garbage cans, winning the first Olympic medal for the U S and over 46 years.

Brad Singletary (18:12):
Wow. Yeah. I’ve read that in your story. And by the way, this guy has a documentary about him. Well, I’ll put that link in the show notes. There’s so much cool stuff out there about your whole story. So I like what you said there about somebody talked about what if we write this story? What if we, what if we create this? Like, there was this creation that had to happen to like, imagine it, believe it and, and, and see it out there in front of you and you made it happen. That’s cool. How you, how you mentioned that too, to write your own story and create your own

Bill Schuffenhauer (18:45):
Well, I mean, you think about it, you know, when you think about it, right, you look at people out there that are successful in however, they define their success. And if you get an opportunity to sit down and talk to them, how they do that, every single one of them has written their, you know, their architecture, they’ve written their story by design, nothing within any of the, you know, any of that is by default. And they didn’t let you know, random things develop them, you know, where there are hurdles along the way. Yeah, absolutely. But we learn from both and, and wrote your story exactly how they want to write it, because it’s your story, write your story, Brad Billy’s story, whatever. And we have a choice to, to be the author and write that book. Hell of a lot,

Brad Singletary (19:29):
Man. That’s just that this is one of the, your dude, this is alpha a F I am just, this is

Brad Singletary (19:39):
That little identity, alpha quorum. And the whole idea is just like, you know, not everybody’s a star, not everybody’s a shining star, but every man can rise up with whatever he has. He can take whatever he’s been gifted with and make something of it. And that’s, that’s the story that you’re telling here. And that’s the story that you’ve lived. And I know it hasn’t always been easy, but dude, you’re talking, this is some alpha mentality right here. If you guys that are listening to this show right now, I just want you to, to, to understand that it happens all over the place. Something that Bill’s saying here is that everyone creates their reality by design this isn’t just by default, especially successful people. You have to design it and, you know, I’m sure you’re just gifted in your body and in your genetics and so forth. And that’s a, that’s a big piece of, you know, when athletes do well, clearly they have a different, different body. But I’m sure that you didn’t just get there by luck. This wasn’t just something that fell in your lap. There was a lot of work and a lot of commitment and sacrifice. Talk about some of those things. What did you have to give up? What did you have to no longer participate in? Or what were the sacrifices that helped you? Like stay focused and stay on track?

Bill Schuffenhauer (20:55):
Yeah, I mean, you know what, I’m from day one, when we, you know, my coaches and I in high school decided that we’re going to do this sport, the decathlon, obviously, which led the TriNet to bobsled. You know, we just realized that there’s going to be some things that you don’t get to participate in, like all the other kids, right. And it’s, you know, all the other kids are playing reindeer games over there and you, you’re doing something completely different over here. And, you know, all the way from, you know, friends who had jobs in high school and were making money and buying themselves cars and they got their driver’s license and being able to take girls on dates and, you know, just all the normal things that you would have as a high school kid, as well as like college, you know, you don’t go on vacations.

Bill Schuffenhauer (21:38):
And you know, spring break is consisted of training and doing competitions and, you know, staying after school longer to either work on, you know, education stuff or sport or whatever. So, you know, you just rather different different life and, you know, and that, that led all the way up to even, you know, what I did make the Olympics, you know, sacrificing the time that I was spending with my family, you know, I’m traveling all around the world doing competitions and doing charity events and a, on the load 10 months of the year. So, you know, there was a sacrifice with that too, and just not having all the quote unquote things that most people had you know, that age. So, you know, they were sacrifices, but I wouldn’t ever go back and change any of that because it was, of course it was a long, extremely difficult load. But at the end of the day, you know, I get a remind myself and look in the mirror. Like my last name is like written in the history books for not only my kids, but their kids in general, you know, generations they’re on after to see forever and another change. And so all those sacrifices were well, well worth it.

Brad Singletary (22:49):
You give me goosebumps to hear you talk about this stuff. It’s never going away, man. You’re, you’re, you’re, you’re in there, it’s, it’s set in stone and there’s probably all kinds of, I bet you have all kinds of cool things from all three of these different games. You’ve got a silver medal somewhere. And I just think that the things that you’ve accomplished most people will never see that kind of thing. But I think men in their own realm and their own world and their own life, they can push through and they can do something that was unexpected. I mean, here run downhill. So you’ve done all kinds of running events, but then they say, look you know, let’s have you run downhill on ice. Let’s have you run downhill on the ice, pushing some other dudes. And then you climb into like a bucket and then you’re going to slide down a long slide and then try to win, you know?

Brad Singletary (23:39):
And so that’s, I love that this was something you’d never done before. You know, if you’d spent your life, if you spent your life doing that you know, that would still be impressive, but it’s like, Hey, here’s your, like, I play football, you know, I’m a discus. I do, I do track and field events, just this bobsled stuff. It must have been just a learning curve. There was probably a lot you had to really change about, I don’t know if techniques of running and there’s probably so many things you had to adjust from what you had known before.

Bill Schuffenhauer (24:11):
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there were some, you know, some things that needed to change, but like, you know, I know you’re going to ask me this a little bit later, but like, even with what I do now with my clients I always typically help like them realize that, you know, as human beings, we tend to make things way more complex than they need to be. And so that’s kind of the approach that we took with this. It’s like, okay, we’re going into a completely different sport. We’ve never even done before, have no idea about the sport, but we’re just going to go in and come from a place of, of like being a student and you learn the sport and just apply, you know, our mental games already done. We already know that mental games there, you know, we’re on that, you know, the physical day where we’re there.

Bill Schuffenhauer (24:56):
And the only thing we had to do is learn about the sport and then just take those two combinations, the physical and the mental and the plan to learn about the sport and just see what happens. You know, again, we have nothing to lose and and we didn’t make it too complicated. And we were just like, you know what? It’s like, Hey, let’s just go in there and give it our very best and be open minded and be flexible and, and enjoy and have a good time. And it obviously worked out and it worked out really, really well.

Brad Singletary (25:25):
Yeah. Seems like so many men and people just, they trip themselves out with all the, like, I could see if, if, if somebody said, Hey, let’s go. Why don’t you go try out for the Olympics? Or I would have freaked myself out with all the things. And you just seem like you had to tune out all that noise, enjoy yourself, have some fun. Yeah. I learned some new things, but you really made it simpler. You really kind of simplified it in your life and said, Hey, something I enjoy doing, I love to compete. I love the team, the team atmosphere, and I’m representing United States of America. I mean, that’s pretty, pretty awesome itself.

Bill Schuffenhauer (26:01):
Yeah, no, it’s you kind of cut out a little bit there. Sorry, bad, but yeah, no, it’s, it’s it was, it was such a great moment and, you know, I get a, I’m really big on reflecting back on the past in a positive way to really appreciate, you know, where you’re going in the future for yourself and stuff. And, and it was just like, you know, I reflect back on, on mostly that story when we sat there and said like, we can actually write this story exactly the way we want to, and there’s no one to stop us. And you know what, at the end of the day, it’s totally up to us to make this happen.

Brad Singletary (26:38):
I’m wondering if you had haters, you know, or people that didn’t believe in you or kind of ridiculed you, or like what you’re, you’re silly, you’re setting yourself free.

Bill Schuffenhauer (26:47):
Absolutely. And, you know, and I think that’s, it is what it is, you know, human beings and you know, all of the stuff we’re going through right now to Brad, right. Where unfortunately, some of us are so judgmental and you see somebody who’s successful and you just want to hate on him just because, and it happens everywhere you go. But, you know, again, we’re given this amazing gift as human beings to have choice, right? And so we can choose to not attach ourselves to those haters and the people that are naysayers and the people who want to talk trash on us and just focus on what we want to do. Cause again, you know, going back to what we talked about earlier, it’s our story. It’s not that person’s story. You know, what’s my story. And so I’m going to focus on the things are going to help me be successful in the things that make me happy and the people around me and how the, you know, the very best people around me to help me be successful and help them also be successful. So yeah, there’s a along the way when it is what it is, but it’s one of those things you just have to look at. It is, you know, take it with a grain of salt because that’s exactly what it is, you know?

Brad Singletary (27:55):
So you’ve talked a lot about your, you know, your athletic accomplishments and they’re just amazing. I’m wondering about other kinds of struggles in your life, maybe in your adult life or, you know, teenage adult life that you push through. What other kinds of struggles are you most proud of yourself or pushing through?

Bill Schuffenhauer (28:14):
Yeah. Yeah. You know what, honestly, I’m glad you brought that up because it’s one of the things I talk a lot about right now, and this is only being as of recently as this last December when I started talking about it. But when I retired from sport in 2010 I kind of like lost my identity, had a really difficult time with that transition in my life. And it led to, you know, a lot of like very, very deep depression a lot of alcoholism taking antidepressant pills and pain medication while I’m drinking and just really led into a really deep, deep, dark place at you know, eventually December 3rd of 2016. I ended up attempting suicide and you know, to the point where the doctors were like, you are lucky reason around. And so I, I eventually turned around to be an advocate for those that are dealing with depression and suicide and addiction.

Bill Schuffenhauer (29:13):
And, you know, you might think I would talk about my Olympics being like, you know, the biggest coolest thing I’ve ever done was one of the most, you know, things that I’m most proud of, but it was, it was me finding a way to be so vulnerable in life to tell my story for the first time with my situation. But I realized that, you know, as many people as I’ve helped with my story going up almost to the Olympics, that I realized that there’s so many more people that I could help around the world with talking about because depression and suicide and addiction, as you know, is a big, big thing out there. And sometimes people don’t really want to talk about it. And I just said, you know what? I’ve been trying to get so much self-validation after the Olympics. And that’s what led me to like fall into this. Depression is always trying to say, like, I need to see prove something to everyone else. And you know, when I eventually became vulnerable enough to talk about that and realizing that as someone as an influencer or an athlete, that people looked up to that by me talking about my situations and open up the doors for other people to feel more comfortable to talk about theirs and hopefully avoid, you know, that situation is actually suicide or any of those things,

Brad Singletary (30:29):
Dude, I’m glad you’re with us still, man. I’m glad you’re, I’m glad you survived that and that, you know, you, you have the courage to share that you’re so right. I that’s, you probably don’t know cause I haven’t seen you in so long, but that’s my profession is I’m a, I’m a therapist. I work in mental health and that’s kinda my day job. And this whole, this other movement we’re trying to do is just really kind of aimed at men to say, Hey, exactly what you’re talking about. Talk about your stuff, tell on yourself get some help when you need it. And, you know, get a tribe of men, get a tribe of men around you that can, that can help support you and encourage you. So I love that you’re sharing that. I just, I didn’t know that until earlier, before the show tonight, I was reading about that about, you know, in 2016 and I’m just so glad you’re here, man. You’ve got such a light to bring to the world. So how did you, you talked about losing your identity some after athletics ha and then, you know, that led to depression. How did, what did you end up with? I mean, what are you now? So yes, you’re in limp three time Olympian, silver medalist. But aside from that, like what is, what are you, who, who are you, what did, what did you settle on or how did you identify what you are at the core outside of your, you know, muscles and speed and all that?

Bill Schuffenhauer (31:42):
Yeah. So, so I do I do a lot of mentoring and consulting for organizations, from individuals to athletes, to homeless shelters, to technology companies now. And that they’re all stemmed from, you know at one point in time, literally less than two years ago, I was just like looking at my life. And I was just like, so unhappy obviously with all the depression, all that stuff that was going on, I was just like, you know, you know, in a place coming from a victim mentality where I was like blaming everyone else and like, you know, why has God put me through this and why are people not helping me out and blah, blah, blah. And it was just, it was always everyone else’s fault. You know, this one time I connected with the guy that was doing the mentor international mentorship group online, and he’s like, Hey, you want to come join our group?

Bill Schuffenhauer (32:34):
And I was like, yeah, sure. Why not? You know, I’ve never done a mentor group or anything like that at this before. And the first conversation we had, we started talking about, as you probably heard and talked about it earlier, like, do you need a life by design or do you lead in life by default? And I was like, huh, like what does that mean? And he’s like, well, if you live life by design and listening, your life is going exactly. You want it to meet reaching all your goals and hitting all your metrics and all these things, but it’s not, you would life by default. And you know, you don’t have the job you want, you don’t, you know, you’re in a bad relationship or, you know, whatever it is like, there’s something that’s not working in your life the way you want it to.

Bill Schuffenhauer (33:14):
So as I reflected on my life, I literally got up and off that call and looked at the mirror in my bathroom. I was like, you lead a life 100% by default. And the reality is no one’s going to come save you. God’s not going to come save you. Your friends, your family is not going to fix all your problems. The only person who can fix it is yourself. But I didn’t know how to do it at that point in time. And so literally the next week we, we continued that conversation leading the life by design or by default. And we started talking about, well, if you lead a life by default, it’s not too long to declutter your life and rebuild your architecture by design. And so I started literally just decluttering the things in my life that didn’t serve me. You know, I had a company that was doing pretty well, but I just closed it down.

Bill Schuffenhauer (34:07):
I sold everything in my house that I didn’t need, or wasn’t really, like I said, it didn’t serve me and moved from one city to another city to surround myself with more positive people. And, you know, during that same time too, I, I sat down with myself and I was like, okay, what is it that you’re good at? And what do you really enjoy doing? And, you know, when it came down to it, it was all about coming from a place of service. And, you know, from that I’d built up like my four pillars of service, which was nonprofit, mentoring, consulting motivational speaking. And, and that’s all I decided like, this is all I’m going to focus on. And once I did that the changes in my life were literally instilled. They come so fast. Like it just blows my mind sometimes. You know, I feel like I’m, you know, I’m on the right path. I’m coming from a place of integrity, like dating in and day out and just being able to accomplish and do all the things that I want to do. And at the same time, I get to help people along the way, you know, and have fun doing it.

Brad Singletary (35:11):
Yeah. I saw you on a Facebook live the other day where you were going to it speaking to a corporation, or you had a, you had a speaking engagement where you were going to present. And I just I love that you’re doing that. And I’ve also seen you, you mentioned as one of your pillars of service, by the way, alpha a F talking about service. You know, you’re a guy who, you know, you spend a lot of time doing personal training and trying to reach a personal accomplishment. And you’re just talking about nonprofits. I mean, serving your community, what type of a nonprofits have you been involved with?

Bill Schuffenhauer (35:45):
So right now I consult for a organization that’s called family promise. There’s about 43 family promise organizations nationwide. And we have one here in salt Lake and that organization helps serve families that are experiencing homelessness. And so that’s one that I work with in depth, I do all their fund development and their corporate community relations and all their event management. So we’re getting ready to do the first big ever celebrity virtual auction, golf tournament concert. So I’m, I’m really passionate about that because that’s basically part of my foundation is I grew up homeless. And so being able to have a passion project like that, and then I have my nonprofit called the power on you.me, which deals with suicide addiction and depression as well. So those are the two things that I focus on when it comes to the nonprofit world. So

Brad Singletary (36:44):
Wow, that’s awesome. So, you know, this, this little movement that we’re working on is just about strengthening, man. I’m curious what you think makes a man a real man. I mean, maybe there’s a lot there, but if you could, if you could boil it down to a few things, what makes a man a strong real man?

Bill Schuffenhauer (37:01):
You know, I, I think it was a lot of things that make a man, a real man, but I think when a man can truly come from a place of integrity and, you know, house with vulnerability, you know, in their life, you know, that’s, what’s going to make a man, a real man, but, you know, through through athletics and everything that I’ve done in life, you know, I always made sure that at the end of the day, I’m coming from a place of integrity. And you know, when it comes to me talking about my story, I gotta be vulnerable about it because my story is, I don’t tell it in a real story and I’m not open. And I talk about the hard things that people don’t want to talk about, then the stories worthless, you know, and, you know, we get a lot of guys out there that, you know, well, I’ve gotta be tough and, or my grandpa or my dad told me, you know, not to be vulnerable and cry. It’s like, yeah, but how’s that serving you? You know, so for me, it’s just honestly coming from a place of integrity and, and, you know, being able to be vulnerable and open,

Brad Singletary (38:15):
Wow, that’s in your, in your, you’re all out there about your struggles and even the suicide thing. And maybe that for a lot of people would be a shameful thing. And you’ve used that as a, as a message as a way to say, Hey, I’ve been in these depths, I’ve been in this dark place. And I, and I, you know, and I, and I’ve pulled myself out of that. And now you’re an advocate you’re working with organizations that help people with homelessness. I love that you, you know, that you’re, you’re just very open about your story, you know, and, and an older time and an older generation, people just would never, Oh, don’t share your business. Don’t tell people that stuff, you know, keep that a secret. And those are things that were people felt ashamed of, and that this has become part of the beauty of your whole story here. I’m curious since you’re talking about vulnerability, I’ve just got a couple more questions for you here, bill. So what are you still working on? What he is still trying to figure out in life? I mean, I think I saw your mid forties, late forties. You’re a little older than me, I think 47.

Bill Schuffenhauer (39:14):
Sure. I figured I’d just 47 or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know what, it’s interesting, it’s kind of hard to have a conversation about what’s going on right now without talking about, you know, the whole Kobe pandemic and stuff like that. You know, as I mentioned, you know, two years ago, I really focused on my tillers of success and basically those are the things I really want to focus on. So everything that I do right now like I said, I consult for the homeless shelter. I’ve got two technology companies that I consult for that are startup companies all in the sports world. You know, I, I, again, an advocate for suicide, depression, and addiction, and you know, those are, those are pretty much my main things and just try to make sure that, you know, find time for myself and family along the way to you know, keep yourself grounded and make sure you’re happy and, and people around you are happy and, and just keep moving on.

Brad Singletary (40:24):
So what is the most alpha thing about you and were you born with it or did you have to develop that?

Bill Schuffenhauer (40:33):
You know, I think I would say, gosh, I think there’s a lot of different things. But at the end of the day, I think just a combination of my confidence again, being open coming from a, you know, a solid place of integrity and, you know, I think some of that you’re born with, but at the same time, you’ve got to go through trials and tribulations in life to also develop a lot of that stuff. And if you’re not constantly working on that stuff, you know, it’s just like, you know, if you want to be the best CEO, if you want to be the best basketball player, if you want to be the best doctor, you know, you got to get to work on it and it’s not something you can just, Oh, I’ll, I’ll work on this on the weekend and so on. And so on. You know, if you have things that are your alpha characteristics, just as they are your best characteristics, characteristics doesn’t mean you can’t still continue to sharpen that stone and, and hone those skills to be better and better. So for me, again, confidence, integrity, and my vulnerability. I know those are two weird things talking about her ability as an alpha, but

Brad Singletary (41:45):
That’s perfect, man, that, and that’s the people that are kind of fo alpha, the fake alphas. That’s the part they’re missing. They’re there, they’re pretending they’re trying to be flashy and showy and cocky and all that really is a mask for their inability to be vulnerable. So I’ve teach that a lot. I love that. You’re I love that you’re sharing that same message and that you’re living that way yourself. I mean, it’s clear that you’re, you’re, you’re an open book and I’m just really appreciate your time with this man. Bill. How do people get in touch with you, man, if they want to follow you on social media or get in touch with you about speaking engagements or those kinds of things, how do we reach you?

Bill Schuffenhauer (42:25):
Yeah, easiest way. I mean, obviously I’m all over social media, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. But probably easiest is if you just go to my website, Olympian speeds.com. My, my, my actual personal cell, it doesn’t go to some random person. That’s my personal cell plus my email. So it’s easy to get ahold of me. Any of those ways

Brad Singletary (42:48):
We can post your cell number on there,

Bill Schuffenhauer (42:52):
That’s on the website anyways,

Brad Singletary (42:55):
Dude, see that now that’s vulnerability and now that’s access. You know, those are some of the things I just really appreciate your time. I know you’re a busy man. You’ve got, you know, you’ve got family, you’ve got responsibilities. You drove in all kinds of things in your, in your personal life and trying to grow and continue to reach new levels of, of you know, growth and accomplishment. And I really just appreciate your time. And you’re a member of our our Facebook group too. I’ve seen new commented on a couple of things there, I believe. Right? The alpha quorum tribe.

Bill Schuffenhauer (43:25):
Yes, sir. Yeah. I mean, if people, you know, if people can get ahold of me on there and they just want to ask questions I’m an open book, man. If there’s anything I can do to help anyone out there with something they’re going through or questions they have, you know, just, just ask. That’s why I always tell people I don’t hold it in and just ask because more than likely at some point in time in my life, I’ve either experienced something similar or have gone through exactly what they’re dealing with.

Brad Singletary (43:50):
Yeah. I love that you share that. It gives other men the confidence to share it. And what an inspiration bill. Thank you again, man. And I look forward to, you know, I want to share this with you. I’ll I’ll edit this and clean it up and we’ll get all your, your notes and everything, the you know, your social media tags and everything. And just really appreciate what the San Diego shirt, man, I’ll, I’ll get your address later, but I’ll send you a, an alpha quorum shirt or maybe get some hats or some swag, you know, I know you’ve had, I know you’ve worn a lot cooler things before, like a silver medal around your neck, but I can send you a T I will send you a tee shirt for being our first big time guest here, man. Thank you so much again and

Bill Schuffenhauer (44:32):
Yeah, no, I appreciate it. Thanks Brad. Thank you to all the listeners really appreciate it. You know, being a part of this group and just being able to do my piece of the puzzle. Gentlemen, you are the alpha and this is the alpha quorum.

 

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BOSS – Why Leading Too Loud is Faux Alpha

EPISODE 60

BOSS

Why Leading Too Loud is Faux Alpha

ALPHA SHOT: One-minute Sample

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060:

BOSS

Why Leading Too Loud is Faux Alpha

Host Brad Singletary interviews his father, Emory, in this Father’s Day 2020 Special.

“Today, I’m interviewing a man that has shaped me more than any other man. He’s been on this planet for three quarters of a century. He’s been married for 56 years. He raised six children professionally. He’s done everything from being an over the road trucker a commercial fishermen, an international business executive, a hospital business manager, practice manager for a surgeon, an administrative director of a hospice organization and owner of multiple corporations. He’s volunteered with the red cross boy Scouts of America. And he spent decades serving in his faith community and volunteer roles. He graduated from Florida state university, but of course holds honorary doctorate degrees from the school of hard knocks. Our guest today describes what it means to be a real man and how he has grown over 75 years of failures and successes.”

Brad’s dad begins by sharing the example his father set about restraining emotional reactions when he broke his own father’s tooth with a pair of pliers.

Emory describes the problem with the ‘faux alpha’…men who are too angry and self-oriented, leading too loud thereby pushing people away.

He recounts mistakes he has made and what he might have done differently. Taking supplements, drinking water, exercise and planking have kept him healthy into his 75th year, 23 years after an 8-vessel bypass which was previously thought to only have been remedied by a heart transplant.

He teaches how an Alpha can bring life wherever he goes with friendly conversation and how strong negotiations begin with simple engagement.

He shares a story of how he worked for free with a failing non-profit who was being evicted from their office building until he found ways to increase revenue sufficient to pay for a brand new multi-million dollar facility which was paid for in cash.

Brad’s father was an expatriate business executive and lived in Jamaica where he learned what it meant to be a minority, reversing some of his upbringing in a racist environment in the South.

He shares what he hopes for his sons, grandsons, and great-grandsons: that they live lives which reflect a relationship with God and enjoy a happy home life. In this Father’s Day Special, Brad and his father get up close and personal about their own relationship and what they have learned together about being a good man.

Alpha Up.

 

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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Brad Singletary (00:00:01):
Today, I’m interviewing a man that has shaped me more than any other man. He’s been on this planet for three quarters of a century. He’s been married for 56 years. He raised six children professionally. He’s done everything from being an over the road trucker a commercial fishermen, an international business executive, a hospital business manager, practice manager for a surgeon, an administrative director of a hospice organization and owner of multiple corporations. He’s volunteered with the red cross boy Scouts of America. And he spent decades serving in his faith community and volunteer roles. He graduated from Florida state university, but of course holds honorary doctorate degrees from the school of hard knocks. Our guest today describes what it means to be a real man and how he has grown over 75 years of failures and successes.

Intro (00:01:09):
If you’re a man that controls his own destiny, a man that is always in the pursuit of being better. You are in the right place. You are responsible, you are strong, you are a leader. You are a force for good gentlemen. You are the alpha, and this is the Alpha Quorum.

Brad Singletary (00:01:34):
Welcome back to the alpha quorum show you guys, Brad Singletary here. I have a very special plan for you tonight and what we’re going to be discussing. I actually have my dad here. He’s our first guest. Who’s joining us from North Florida. It’s about 10:00 PM there. I hope you daddy, I hope you’re awake and that you’re going to be able to make it through this. You think you can do it. I’m also joined by my oldest son, Jackson. He turns 17 this Sunday, and I think that’s pretty special because it’s father’s day on Sunday and it’s his last birthday as a child. So he’s a w I guess we’ll call him a pre-alpha. He’s been kind of a fan of our show and some of the topics I’ve had to ask him, not to listen to a little bit mature in nature, but thanks for being here, Jackson and my dad, my mom is actually listening in my dad, asked earlier if it was okay for women to listen.

Brad Singletary (00:02:32):
And I explained we have like 30% of our audience is women. I think they’re in a desperate attempt trying to figure out what they need to do to get their man straightened out. So we’ve got a great show planned for you today. I wanted to talk with my dad here and have something that we could share together about what it means to be a man. My dad raised four sons, four strong, who were doing very well in life, and he’s done some great things and has also had some hardships too. And you can’t live for 75 years. You’re going to, you’re going to be 75 this year. Right? Right. You can’t live that long and not have a few things figured out. So I’m just so happy to be doing this. I’ve kind of wanted to do it for a long time. We had some other guests that were lined up that didn’t quite work out and I thought this was a perfect opportunity with father’s day coming. So tell us a little bit about yourself first, maybe. What are you doing these days? What’s your life like right now? And then we’re going to get into some, some historical lessons and things that you’ve learned throughout your life.

Emory Singletary (00:03:39):
Well, of late, I have been working as a copywriter for people who are in the helping business, helping families and relationships and husbands and wives. And it is very fulfilling. I’ve been able to bring into that a lot of the things that I’ve learned along the way. And so yeah, one time I looked forward to being totally retired and going to the, to The Bahamas and to Hawaii by now. But I am helping some of my family members to do some things that is important to me. And so I’m really enjoying what I’m doing.

Brad Singletary (00:04:23):
So I want to start with our first question here. What do you see? You know, a lot of men you’ve been around men your whole life, what do you see that men do poorly? How do you think men are failing? What are we not good at?

Emory Singletary (00:04:36):
I think a lot of times you stood up building relationships with family or fellow workers, et cetera. Men sometimes get into a sort of a foe, alpha stance leading too loud, too condescending, too. Self-Oriented too angry and, and drive others away.

Brad Singletary (00:04:58):
That’s interesting. It fo alpha. I love that. So they’re there, they’re pretending maybe they’re loud and colorful. We’ll talk more about that.

Emory Singletary (00:05:06):
I think sometimes in our fast paced world, we get things figured out and we figure that’s the way that things should go. And if anybody crosses us a family member and fellow worker, or even a boss, sometimes we just get red in our eyes. And we we can’t control that sometimes. And it’s not very smart.

Brad Singletary (00:05:36):
So stubborn, hardheaded, little bit disagreeable.

Emory Singletary (00:05:39):
Yeah. I’ve heard some people do that.

Brad Singletary (00:05:46):
Yeah. So I promised that I wouldn’t tell stories. I’m going to let you be the one telling all the stories here, but so when you started that answer, it was really, you said, instead of being, you know, instead of building relationships, they create this, this persona of a pho alpha, and then what followed after that?

Emory Singletary (00:06:06):
Well, but not by leading too loud,

Brad Singletary (00:06:10):
Leading to that

Emory Singletary (00:06:12):
Being too condescending or, and too self oriented, too angry. And yeah. Actually drive other people away with that kind of behavior. We, man, we even really want to show that we’re in charge or that we’re man. And we, we instead make all those potential lovers of us around a school away. And it happens too many times.

Brad Singletary (00:06:41):
So even if we’re right, you know, we, we, we have the right logic, we’ve got the right rationale. We maybe have the right answer, but you’re saying, when you’re leading too loudly, you, you push your resources away and the resources so many times or other people, you said lovers of, of you people who could love you, but we pushed them away with our correctness. We think we’ve got the right answer. You’re doing it wrong. And those are, those are things that actually take us in the wrong direction.

Emory Singletary (00:07:10):
And we may have the right answer, at least in our own eyes. But unfortunately this world is not made up up of me. This word world is made up of me and you and others. And we, in order to get along we need leaders who can lead us there, not push us there. And that sort of, I think what the alpha group is all about is trying to figure out how to lead, how to be pure in our motives and in our behavior. And once we can get there probably surprising how many people will follow us.

Brad Singletary (00:07:56):
There’s always this argument about what is the alpha do. And we’re relating this back to the animal kingdom and all these different things. When I think of a novel, I think people are following him. People are following him because they can trust him. There’s some reliability, there’s some consistency there, their principles. And that’s what we’re trying to teach people here. The first you have to lead yourself and then you lead others and there’s a, there are better ways than others to do that. So you’re saying leading too loudly. I love that little phrase that we can push people away. You

Emory Singletary (00:08:29):
Mentioned earlier that I’ve been in a lot of places and a lot of employers, a lot of businesses, one thing that I think both alphas and the other side sometimes have a problem with is as far as careers go, it’s allowing drugs, alcohol, or ambition without merit sometimes to make them sort of proud, they think so that they assume too much about how employers or other employees or spouses or others would think of them, maybe even children also. And so they sometimes act as if employers are those other people. They exist to tolerate their anxiety or their anger or their their way. And I’m sure a way to drive away all those people, including the employers, because we tend to want to be right, not the greater power coming out and us. And so it makes us uncooperative, not even tempered unsteady and undependable in the eyes of employers and houses and children and others. There’s just a better way. I wish I had found that better way earlier in my life.

Brad Singletary (00:10:00):
It’s interesting. Earlier you were saying, things can get in the way, and you mentioned drugs, alcohol ambition, and I’m kind of blown away by that because ambition, we think about ambition as a positive and maybe with the right mindset and the right heart ambition is a good thing. But you’re saying that could be negative. Ambition could be negatively affected your life.

Emory Singletary (00:10:24):
It can be so powerful that it pushes away people. Yes. You know, you’re right. And yes, you know how to do it. And yes, you know what to say, but the people around you sometimes don’t feel that way. And so they kind of assume too much about how everybody else should act. And so it turns out that they, we LIFO alphas in the alpha state, don’t do anything to draw people to us. We only tend to drive them away, whoever it is. And so it’s important to bear that in mind, as we go through life with all the ups and downs that we have to encounter that you, you can’t be right every time, at least in the eyes of those around you. And so, even though it was a good idea, even though it was the right way, if others around us don’t agree, then we sometimes have to go along to get along. And people who don’t learn that lose their jobs, they lose their spouse, they lose their children. And I think that it’s important to discover that early on, if you can,

Brad Singletary (00:11:47):
I was heavily influenced early in my adulthood by Stephen Covey. And some of the things that he talked one was seek first to understand, and then to be understood. And what he’s really saying is listen, and make sure you understand the other side first, he also talks about production and production capability. I think that’s the terms you use, you know, production and PR. So you can kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, but you’re not going to have any more goose. And so your idea might be the right one. And if you iron fist it through, you’ve alienated your team, you’ve alienated your family. You’ve alienated people that ultimately could actually provide more. And, you know, synergize is another one of his words there. So it seems like part of what you’re talking about is be willing to listen as much as you speak, make sure you’re understanding and that you’re not being too forceful. I love this thought leading to loudly. So what were some of the lessons that you learned about manhood from your own father? I did not. I never knew my grandfather. He passed before I was born. Tell me about him. We got some generational stuff here. My dad and my son are here. Talk about your own father and the good things that he taught you about being a good man.

Emory Singletary (00:13:04):
Well, he was a good man. One time I was helping him do something and I was working the pliers on a, on a, I think it was a plumbing thing. And and I was working with the pliers and I hit him in the mouth and actually broke, broke a tooth. So I didn’t do that on purpose. My sort of uncontrollable hands made it happen. Wasn’t my fault. Anyway, so I, yes, that had been me. I would have gotten pretty angry. My father didn’t, he was a quiet man. Being quiet in that situation might have might’ve led me to to less than perfect behavior later because I was trying to be the man. And so I learned pretty quickly that I had to be a good man. I had to be a good alpha. I had to be contained there, constrained, I guess, is the right word in what I did and what I said. And that led to a lot of the opportunities I’ve had in life is that I learned from my father what to do in some cases and what not to do. And that is, you know, I think an alpha has to take charge when they need to. They have to at least be an active partner in any, in any situation. And one thing I had decided early on was that I wanted to be, I didn’t want my mother, my, my wife to be the alpha of the family.

Emory Singletary (00:14:51):
But at the same time, I had a lesson or two to learn about how to be a better alpha and I’m still learning.

Brad Singletary (00:15:01):
So you’re this thing with the pliers, you had the pliers, you’re holding something, you’d lose your grip and it’s instead of slipping and busting your knuckles, your hand hit his mouth. And he, with the pliers knocked his tooth out, broke his tooth and he just kind of calmly re he didn’t react. He wasn’t angry. He just, he had, he exercised restraint

Emory Singletary (00:15:25):
Affected it, but it wasn’t,

Brad Singletary (00:15:27):
That would have been awesome to have a dad like that. I just, I’m still looking for the chance to break your tooth

Emory Singletary (00:15:44):
About my children. Did I?

Emory Singletary (00:15:50):
Yeah. I have six children. Did you say that? Yeah, I thought that was right. I lost count sometimes, but anyway, I have a son in Taiwan. He’s an internet guru, self employed. I have a daughter in Idaho falls. Who’s a medical administrator. I have a, a nurse practitioner in Florida, his work to a large medical group. And in Florida, I have an engineer, a son with a defense contractor. Who’s doing very well. He’s a six Sigma expert out in Las Vegas. I have a therapist, son who is self employed. You may have run across him out there and an Albuquerque. I have a businessman contractor who’s in the air conditioning business and doing quite well and Albuquerque. So I have a, those are my six kids. I also have a wife, is a therapist out of all of them. They have all excelled in their chosen careers. And you’ll notice that most of them got out of Dodge. They live far away from me,

Brad Singletary (00:17:06):
One move across the world to get away.

Emory Singletary (00:17:11):
But that’s yeah, that’s probably make airplanes for, right.

Brad Singletary (00:17:16):
I don’t know if you read through some of these questions that I sent to you, and I don’t know how you feel about airing some of this stuff out, but I’m curious, 75 years, what, what are some of the mistakes that have taught you the most? I believe that so many of our lessons are learned the hard way. What are some things you’ve learned the hard way as a man, as a man, as a father,

Emory Singletary (00:17:37):
Hinted at some of them, but my anger, my selfishness, my, you know, really getting on kids, things like that, that, and not only kids trying to be one of those office with my wife I believe over the years, that is that has cost me a lot of points. It would probably make everybody move far away love and compassion, or the lack thereof has taught me the right way to go. And I hope that I’m doing better these days. But while I’ve enjoyed a broad background, I’ve lived in a foreign country. I’ve also lived in about 25 different homes. I’ve been a member of 15 or so different cities. Looking back, I would have enjoyed a little bit of engagement in a community for a long period of time, a little bit more stability for me and my wife and, and especially my kids.

Emory Singletary (00:18:46):
At one time, we had kids going to high school and different cities because of moving in the middle of the school year. And so one went to where we went and one stayed. So I’ve had lots of things like that. Wow. We thought it was the right thing at the time. It turns out it would probably would have been better to have been more stable in that sense. I think kids need stability. I would do that differently if I could. And you have to control your anger, you, your breasts, miss you like learn how to communicate without your eyes getting red, the way I expressed it live a life where possible maybe all their, you know, no, they can trust. You can rely on you and they want to be near you. I had a fellow the other day who did some work for me.

Emory Singletary (00:19:46):
So I reached down to pay money left and I didn’t have enough money to pay him. I said, you know, I’m going to have to go to the bank. And let’s say, I take you some money by. And he said something that is worth hearing over and over and over again, he said, Emory, I there’s one thing I know about you. I can totally trust you. And if you say that you are going to do something just, you know, look out my window until I see you, but cause you’ll be coming. That makes me feel very good. That makes me think that maybe there is a little bit of concreteness in, in my being. And it gives me a certain amount of pride knowing that there are those who trust me, who feel like they have been able to look into my life and know a little bit about me and they feel that way about me.

Speaker 5 (00:20:46):
So other

Brad Singletary (00:20:48):
Other mistakes that have taught you things, you know, that maybe you don’t know when you’re 28 years old, but you, you know, when you’re 68 or 58 or 48, what kinds of things did you figure out that some of our listeners may be in the middle of that? You could speak some wisdom into them,

Emory Singletary (00:21:07):
You know, moving around too much, being, not being there for some of my kids because of that, moving and looking back, I think I would have enjoyed a little bit more stability in my own life. That’s, that’s one of the biggest things.

Brad Singletary (00:21:27):
So you talked about the moving around and, you know, kind of chasing these different career opportunities and things like that, which gave you a great variation of experience, but it had an impact on your family and your kids. And that’s something you feel kind of bad about looking, looking back with some regret, what would have helped you be more stable professionally?

Emory Singletary (00:21:48):
Well, some of those same opportunities I, I moved off for or separated from family for, could have been had maybe, maybe a lecture degree by having that everybody living in the same house, kind of family, everybody living in the same community. And so there was a period of time when, when that wasn’t case. And I felt like even though I was able to carry on a lot of good things in my life personally, I had other responsibilities and I should have taken those responsibilities a lot more to heart so that I could have done what was most important to me. But at the time, you know, when you see the dollar signs and you see the opportunities and it’s so easy to leave behind those, you love the most. And sometimes I would do that. I’ve lived out of town a lot. That’s not a very good way to have a family.

Brad Singletary (00:22:57):
So what are some of your big wins? What are some things that you’re really proud of yourself for doing or accomplishing? What makes you feel good as you look back over your life?

Emory Singletary (00:23:07):
Well, I have been married to the same woman for 56 years. I think that’s quite an accomplishment and I’m very proud of that. She, more than anybody has hung in there through, through all of those things that I mentioned that I sort of regret, but she she’ll keep me a few more years that would be worthwhile until I, I kick the bucket. And it’s, and if my children are honest, true, and trusted and have a relationship with God that is by their lives. That’s another thing that would be worthwhile to me. It would keep me on the positive path. I’m building a real good tribe, a pretty good people, all, and it already make, it, makes it all really worth it. They are worthwhile people. I have, I have a little family birthday list and on the wall and there’s 62 people on it. That’s my, that’s all of my people down lines,

Brad Singletary (00:24:21):
Kids and grandkids and breed

Emory Singletary (00:24:23):
It’s growing rapidly. So there’s a few that aren’t even on that list. I don’t think because they’re growing too rapidly for us to make it a little name tag. That makes me feel very good. It makes me feel that in whatever way I might have them things that could have been done better. One of the things my wife and I have done is built a pretty good tribe and they’re all good people. We love them.

Brad Singletary (00:24:57):
Someone asked in our Facebook group recently, someone asked what is w w what do we mean when we say alpha made me really think about that a lot. And I thought of three things that have to do with life. I shared this in the last episode that I think an alpha has life. He creates a life and he preserves life. And I want to break those down a little bit and get your thoughts on some of that. So the first one about having a life. So you’re alive, you’re keeping yourself alive. You’re taking care of yourself, health wise, you know, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, you have a life you’re taking care of you first in a way, not to be selfish, but if you are the resource to the people that follow you, you gotta be strong. Tell me throughout your life, maybe some of the practical things, let you know, taking care of Emory. What have you had to learn? What have you had to, what have you figured out about say, taking care of your body financial things having a life of your own, like being the master of your own self.

Speaker 6 (00:26:06):
Yeah. I’m taking more supplements than I’ve ever taken. Yeah. Everything from vitamins to things that treat this or treat that

Emory Singletary (00:26:17):
I’m also I’m in the past year or so. I’ve lost 50 pounds.

Brad Singletary (00:26:25):
Wow. Are you serious? I guess it’s been a while since I’ve seen you make a visit. Okay.

Speaker 6 (00:26:32):
Well, I try to stay out of the pictures with my skinny self, you know, anyway, I’ve I’ve really been working at it. I, every morning I get up at six o’clock for the first 30 minutes, I drink a lot of water to get myself hydrated from the night I exercise right now, I’m doing a lot of work outside because of summer. So I don’t actually go walking, but usually the reason I don’t go to walking is because I usually take my walk behind mower and other opportunities to work in my yard as exercise. And not only that, I take all my medication directly and I have a little problem with a skin cancer sometimes because probably because back in my day, when I was running around on the beach and we didn’t have any suntan lotion, remember this was quite a few years ago. And so every so often I now we’ll get a little skin problem. And I, I immediately have it taken off. I’m about to have another one done. I’m trying to take care of myself that way.

Brad Singletary (00:27:50):
So many men are just really resistant to medical treatments. And what was it like 33 years ago or something? You had a heart attack and you’ve gone through several things like you’ve lived 30 or 40 years longer than you might have. Otherwise here you are 75 talking about waking up drinking water, taking supplements for you right now. Exercise is yard work. My dad lives on the four acres, four acres in the swamp and Moses with a push mower.

Speaker 6 (00:28:21):
Well, I have a riding mower and I use that when nobody’s looking.

Brad Singletary (00:28:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (00:28:30):
Well, people are trying to see if I’m getting any eggs.

Brad Singletary (00:28:34):
That’s when you let it go too long and now you gotta make it up quick.

Speaker 6 (00:28:40):
But that sort of activity has caused me to, I used to hire my yard work done, but I don’t anymore. And that’s probably been the biggest champion of me losing 50 pounds. It’s just, you know, getting up and doing things. I think that’s important. I’m planking right now.

Brad Singletary (00:29:01):
Are you serious? You I’m like a fat slob over here. My old man, dad is planking and waking up and drinking water. Like, come on. You were supposed to make me look so bad. Tell me about that. Let’s hear about this. Well, I’m impressed. I’m impressed. Do you even know what this is? You’re up to a couple of minutes.

Speaker 6 (00:29:24):
Yeah. That’s not very nice.

Brad Singletary (00:29:27):
Yes, that is my son says he’s 17. My son says, yes, it is a long time.

Speaker 6 (00:29:32):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot longer than, than a couple of minutes should be where I’m at, but I’m taking it slow. And I also

Emory Singletary (00:29:42):
Get on my inversion table daily. So that kind of takes all my kinks out from sleeping all night. Other than that, that’s about all I do. I I don’t drink it. You know, any sweet drinks. I try to just keep myself healthy. I want to live a couple more years anyway. Yeah. I want to live a few more years. So I’m trying to take care of myself a little bit better these days, about 20 years ago or so I did I maybe 23 years or something like that. I had heart surgery because of my cogged up artery. I weighed a little bit more. I and I had a heart attack. I had moved from Florida to Utah folks at the university of Florida in Gainesville, big hospital. They’re very good on most things, but they would not operate on me. I was saying they would have to wait and I would have to get a transplant.

Emory Singletary (00:30:54):
So moving to Utah was a big help to me because when I got there, the cardiologist that I went to see said, why don’t you get these specials fixed so well, they wouldn’t do it down there. And so she sent me up to salt Lake and dr. Jones there gave me a bypass surgery and he actually bypassed seven vessels in my heart. And the eighth one, they couldn’t bypass it. I think they ran out of spare parts. And so they split the eight 20 open, cleaned it out and then grafted it back. And so I had basically an eight decile involvement in that operation in my heart. Since then I’ve had a couple of catheterizations and have been found to be totally clean. And that was 20 years ago. So my heart is in the best shape ever. You know, prior to that time, I was, I was about ready to cook. And so I’m very thankful for that. So I’ve been spared 20, 23 years or so. I’m trying to make the best of it. I spend a lot of time studying and beating and, and I’m very very happy, very pleased with the way things are going. One of these days I might make some money.

Speaker 7 (00:32:38):
So an has life. He

Brad Singletary (00:32:40):
Creates a life and I don’t mean necessarily by fatherhood there, but an alpha, when I talk about creates life, he see, he see, he creates life at the party at the church event, at the family reunion, in the job. He creates life when there’s work to do. That’s something that I, I feel like I can really look back at my time with you. And, you know, you always kind of had a pretty fun personality. You always were able to laugh at things and keep things fairly light. You taught me about attitude and when we had hard work to do

Speaker 6 (00:33:14):
Crack the whip,

Brad Singletary (00:33:16):
Well, yeah, but it was, it was a matter of like mindset. You decide if this is something terrible to do or not, you decide if this is something that you can handle or not. So talk about that, creating life, wherever you go. You know, I think that’s pretty alpha that you’re, you’re adding value in whatever thing you’re involved in. You’ve been a part of volunteer situations and church assignments, and you’ve done so many things. And how do you, how do you bring life to places?

Speaker 6 (00:33:46):
Well, I get looked at kinda kind of funny sometimes because I speak to almost everybody I see, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I catch somebody I will speak and I’ve gotten him some very good conversations that way I’ve never gotten into a bad conversation that way. I feel like if somebody saw to it to be there and available and they were willing to talk, then, then they might need somebody to talk to. So I sometimes whoever I’m with might say, how do you know those people? I never seen him before.

Brad Singletary (00:34:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (00:34:28):
I just think there’s so many people that just live without interaction with other people that it’s important to try to see them and recognize them and to put myself out there, not, not not as an offering or anything, but as, as another warm human who is in the same space and who’s willing to say hi, you know, go ahead. You can, why don’t you go next? I get such smiles. And when you’re not, when I’m nice to people and I try to be that way, of course that’s hard sometimes, but most of the time it works.

Brad Singletary (00:35:13):
Is that something you had to learn to do? I feel like I’m that way. As an adult, as a child, I was very shy. So my dad is right. He talks to everybody, the cashier at the grocery store, wherever it is, there’s some jokes, some corny comment or something. That’s just kind of hilarious when you think about the whole body of work there, but is that something you had to force yourself to do, you know, a skill that you had to acquire the ability to just be friendly and public? I think that’s a great example of what it means. Talking about an alpha brings life and alpha creates a life that you show up. And there’s someone who maybe they look like they’re having a bad day and you make a lighthearted comment or you try to engage them in some little conversation and you never see them again, but here’s a moment of warmth. Does that something you had to learn how to do

Speaker 6 (00:36:00):
To tell you the truth? I don’t know where that comes from.

Brad Singletary (00:36:03):
You don’t remember.

Speaker 6 (00:36:05):
I think I’ve just always, that’s my personality and probably have always been there.

Brad Singletary (00:36:12):
Okay. So creating life, taking life, wherever you go. What about things like a job? You’ve got a manager you’ve got, you know, the supervisor’s a jerk and the plan that they’ve got you on, the job you’re doing is just garbage. You don’t like you, don’t like what’s happening. You think you’ve got a better way. How can you bring life to a situation like that? We disagree with the whole thing. You don’t like the leadership.

Speaker 6 (00:36:37):
I have never had a problem in talking with a supervisor about the way things are going or with a manager. I’ve never had any problems with going to the top. And in some way, maybe it doesn’t look like a deliberate thing that I’m doing, but that I’ll try to bring it around to the topic that I really wanted to talk about. And then they start asking questions and say, well, yeah, that is a problem. How would you handle that? And then all of a sudden, my advice is being solicited. When, if I had gone in and said, you know what you should do that might not have gone over too. Well, I like it when people ask me to get involved, whatever it is that I really wanted to get involved in, but tried not to be too, too pushy about it, not getting there.

Speaker 6 (00:37:45):
In other words, I waited for that moment, maybe about bringing up something totally different that I knew that I was, they would be comfortable talking to me about it. And then all of a sudden we’re talking about other things. And that has given me a lot, lots of opportunities. I had someone tell me one time that they had been asked to take over a job as a practice manager of a, of a medical practice, large esteemed medical, medical practice. They, they wanted to know what I thought, could they do it? I said, well, sure, you could do it. But if you feel like you might have problems and I’ll give you, I’ll give you an answer that you can give to them. You know, I would like to do it, but I feel weak in several areas. And if I could have Emery Singletary, be a consultant and help, help me learn these things, I would take the job. And I was hired at a very nice hourly rate to give this person the training they needed. And they were very successful at their position. They were able to say something that they wouldn’t have really thought about. I spent quite a bit of time in that practice working with the person who was the new practice manager and giving them the benefit of my experience. I was able to, to make money off the field and my my protege, there was able to become very successful at what they were doing.

Brad Singletary (00:39:39):
Wow. There’s so much alpha in that little store. I didn’t, I never knew that. So someone is being offered a job, managing a company, or an aspect of, of a medical practice. They had some insecurities, not sure they could do it. They came to you. They went in the job offer process. They went back and said, if you will hire me and this person as my consultant, I’ll take the job. That is correct. That’s one of the, I know you don’t like my swearing daddy, but that’s one of the most badass things I’ve ever heard right there. And they did it. So a couple of layers of alpha, there there’s someone who says, I want to bite off something here that I’m not sure I can chew. I’ll need some help. And they’re asking for, you’re not only being offered a job you’re saying, hire me and someone else. That is that is so great. And then you, you show up as a consultant, the protege takes your advice becomes hugely successful. That’s that is a cool, cool,

Speaker 6 (00:40:44):
Well, that person happened to be a quick steady. So after just a few months, my services weren’t needed anymore. Cause they were Johnny on the spot. And by the way, that person today supervise as a staff of over a hundred. Wow. So they are very capable.

Brad Singletary (00:41:04):
So a lot of what you’re saying is we’re talking about bringing life. It starts maybe with a conversation you might, you’re talking about some chit chat with the manager, the director, the supervisor, the CEO, and it, it kind of naturally some of your opportunities have naturally flowed out of a conversation. And so many men, I think they just kind of want to, they don’t want to make noise, make waves. They just want to kind of do their work and go home. And they’re miserable. And just like the lady in the grocery store that you just chat and say, hello and hi. And you know, whatever you’re saying, that opportunities have come to you before you didn’t insert yourself and say, listen, I know a better way. And you guys are doing it all wrong. You engage, you create a relationship, they see your sparks flying and they see that you have some capability and some intelligence, and then they, they turn around and give you some, you know, higher levels of responsibility started with a conversation, started with friendliness, started with engagement.

Speaker 6 (00:42:07):
It just seems like I’ve found in my, at least in my experience might not be the same for everybody. But the direct way is often the wrong way. Given the, given the any abilities that I may have are not that important compared to compared to helping other people climb that ladder. And I’m just very, very, it just excites me when they succeed.

Brad Singletary (00:42:39):
There was a story that I heard my mom talking about about, there was a time you worked for free for a long time for a company. And you talk about that. And what that was about, that sounds pretty awful. A long

Speaker 6 (00:42:53):
Time, there was a medical company that had a, they had actually been evicted from their property a few months before I became acquainted with them. And they were hurting financially. They were in the red. I offered to work with them for a period of time without pay in order to be able to help them find the way out. And they agreed to allow me to do that. So after one visit to one of their facilities, I came back and and started doing some reading about something I never knew about before. And it was a way of getting money from Medicare. That was like five times what they were getting. And I even went to the state health agency and talked to them and I came back and put together a program after a little more than a year later, I left their employee as a director of administrative operations because they had suddenly come into money and they paid for before I left the architecture and contracting was finished.

Speaker 6 (00:44:24):
They were, they were under my direction for brand new office building. So they never had to pay rent again. It was a multi million dollar office building by the way. And they paid cash. It was because of a simple billing situation with Medicare. And it was very, I sometimes look for, look for problems in a way that are probably different than most people, I think outside the box and that, you know, that hasn’t always worked out, but most of the time it does because people just seem to be stuck on doing the mundane and what they’ve always done. And when they think outside the box, it turns out that there’s more success there.

Brad Singletary (00:45:22):
Wow. That’s super cool.

Speaker 6 (00:45:25):
Anyway, I did enjoy that. So that thing, and when I left there, it was because I moved out of state. I had other opportunities, but I’ve always looked back on that is just thinking that did the right thing. And this, this, by the way, was a nonprofit organization. They had to spend the money because it’s nonprofit, you know? And so, but just in the course of a year, so they had multiplied many times when they had the Nike, because they, they build it. Right.

Brad Singletary (00:46:00):
You also had an opportunity to work out of the country. Talk about that. Not necessarily the job, but just the decision. Why would you do that kind of thing? What were some of the, the cool opportunities that came along with that?

Speaker 6 (00:46:16):
Well, early on, I I was with a company that had multinational operations and India in Jamaica, and I was placed in charge with the production of those areas. I was the production manager, so I traveled to India and set up operations there that had not been done before then. I worked in Jamaica for a while, helping them solve some software problems. And then along came my vice president one day and said, you know, what we really need to do is we need to put somebody in Jamaica. And by the way, they invited me and my wife to Jamaica, I knew something was up.

Brad Singletary (00:47:05):
Okay.

Speaker 6 (00:47:06):
They invited us both to go and enjoy a week in Jamaica. And we stayed in a nice hotel and we enjoyed it and we traveled to other, other niches around we were in Montego Bay and for lodging and they had two operational units there total of about 400 employees. The the company wanted me to take charge of those two operations and possibly put them into one, one operation and join those two together. So that’s what we did. And we lived in Jamaica for two years and that was very exciting time. We enjoyed that very much and I still am in touch with one of the, the friends that I made in Jamaica today, this very day that we’re talking I was I was talking about cause he lives in New Jersey now and he’s he’s very nice kid there.

Speaker 6 (00:48:17):
There were several of the Jamaican people when I not two years was up that we were able to get into the United States to work. And some of them are now citizens of the United States. That’s worked out pretty well for them. After the two years, we were able to kind of in keeping with my modus operandi, we were able to have a Jamaican lady become the manager of that whole operation. And previously it had always been somebody who came in there from the outside from the States. So my two years was made up of management training every Saturday, all the supervisors and the managers would meet. And that would be a management training where we would talk about various ways to lead people and that sort of thing. And so out of that came, you know, somebody came forth as the leader of that group. So we left the Jamaican in charge when I left. And I enjoyed that very much.

Brad Singletary (00:49:28):
So what about the decision? I mean, they talk about move to Jamaica. You’re comfortable here in the States. You’ve got your family here, move out of the country, live in a, I guess, is that a third world considered a third world country, you know, li live in this place. You don’t look like you don’t look like anybody who lived lives there. You know, this is a very different life. What an adventure number one, but how did you work through the feelings and the fears and that’s, that’s super alpha to do what you did there. How did you get there?

Speaker 6 (00:49:59):
Well, I think one of the things I learned, I was, I was raised in the South and some of my feelings toward a black race were, I mean, I hope I don’t offend anybody by saying this we’re, we’re kind of real Southern. I felt I felt a little intimidated because I looked around and all of a sudden I’m the minority. And I learned so much just from that simple idea, I’m the minority. My wife would go down to the to the market, right by herself or with a Jamaican friends that we’d met. There weren’t any people there that looked like her. And so I thought she was very brave. Of course, she had her rewards too. We had a gated apartment complex. It would give Dan and it had, there was a pool at our back door. We watched the ships come and go from Jamaica, the Harbor there, Montego Bay.

Speaker 6 (00:51:10):
It was just a very present experience. Most of the time we never had any trouble or any anything that we’d call a crisis or anything like that from living there really enjoyed it a lot. And I think that the key though, is that it sort of set me straight on some of my own upbringing about racism. I learned I, I accepted those folks, all of them that has just peers of mine and that I was the boss, but still they were friends and they still are to this day. And that was 20 years ago or so. And I was just really thrilled with the experience. I don’t know why I’m trying to get all this experience here about the croak. And I still love they get new experiences, but I still got a lot to learn. You know,

Brad Singletary (00:52:14):
One of the things I’ve always admired about you is that you did whatever you could, you did whatever you had to. So there might have been situations in your past where you go to work in a suit and tie, something happens there to that opportunity, that job, the company you worked for, or whether it was your own business or whatever. And the next day you find yourself having to do something different and you’re driving a truck, whatever you had available, whatever was, whatever opportunity showed up, you took it and you committed a hundred percent. That’s something that I’ve really admired is that, you know, things are going to change. The economy changes. Something happens with the company you worked for and your next step may be a step down. You hope that you’re not in that situation, but that has been something you’ve adjusted very well to, with a great attitude.

Brad Singletary (00:53:06):
And you’re just taking advantage of whatever you have. Whatever’s whatever’s within your reach, even being a commercial fishermen, our family, we were, we were crabbers. We, we did that for years. I don’t even know how long exactly, but I remember multiple seasons of that, where we took our little boat and we ran our line of crab traps. And, you know, even after school, my brothers and I, we would go out and this was our, this was our living. And that wasn’t a living like we had been used to it at other times, but it was what we could do. And it was something that worked out. It was what we needed to be. Talk about that the ability to adjust and adapt

Speaker 6 (00:53:52):
To make an all of us are feelings. That number one, we can do anything. I hope that’s everybody’s feeling because I don’t think anybody is, I don’t know this destiny. It’s been hard for me to believe, man, there’s certain destinies that I appreciate. But as far as what we do, as long as we it’s honest and, and, and a worthy, and like you say, it things in the bread there’s nothing wrong with any occupation. I think these jobs that are here for us to, to work, if we, of course, we want to get the best one we can at the moment, but having done that, for example, did not spammy me at all from getting jobs that were very good jobs later on. When we moved back to North Florida, rural North Florida, I’ve been here for about 12 years. When I got here, that was why that my age 64.

Speaker 6 (00:55:05):
So I was 64. I, I, I probably wasn’t going to get on any, first of all, there’s not any executive type companies around here. There’s a where I live now. And so I decided one of the ways that I could bring in a little though was to become a trucker. And that’s when I did that. It was not very popular around my house because my wife didn’t want me gone all the time, but she tolerated it. And she was working also, and, you know, in her career and we kind of traded stories. We sort of felt like that wasn’t a good way to, to be on the, on the endings stroke care. So that maybe what we needed to do is kind of get together all the time. So that’s, that’s what we’ve been doing now for several years and doing other things is trying to enjoy life.

Brad Singletary (00:56:01):
You’ve also done some other things. Like, I don’t know, I don’t know if you still have the bees to do doing some beekeeping. You’ve, you’ve done all kinds of different gardening things and planting and, you know, working your land there. And so many like projects, what, what motivates you to do those kinds of things? Learn something totally new at an old age, take on some new thing, never done. What what’s that all about?

Speaker 6 (00:56:25):
Well, I don’t know. I philosophically and scientifically, I love bees. I know that bees bring us a living and without them, and they arrested me dying off, you know, but without them agriculture, as we know, it would not exist. They pollinate and crosspollinate and all that stuff. And they’re very important to our survival as a people. So I said, well, I could do that. So I got a couple of, couple of hives of bees and unfortunately me being off, doing other things and being too busy and so forth, my bees finally left me. Yeah, I wasn’t feeding them enough sugar water, but during that same time, I I’ve planted some citrus trees. In this part of Florida and North Florida, the climate has never been, it never felt that this was a good place to have citrus, but on this property, there’s been orange trees for about the last 30, 35 years. Those are two that I planted before, before coming back here the last 10 years. And so out, back by my Creek, I planted some more, another orange tree and a Tangerine tree and a grapefruit tree and the tree and a pear tree and some grapes. And we, we

Brad Singletary (00:58:11):
Like a fruit salad over there.

Speaker 6 (00:58:13):
Yeah. Until just recently, I had grapefruit on my tree last fall. And, and now there’s little grapefruit about twice the size of a log roller, you know, a big marble about twice that size or my grapefruit, right. And around there, they’re growing so out. It won’t be long before we’ll have more great food and they’re just loaded. So you can grow grapefruit in North Florida.

Brad Singletary (00:58:47):
It’s interesting. You’re talking about bees and you know, you’re saying philosophically and scientifically. You’re what I like about that is that you’re connected to the things that make the earth. You’re talking about something that holds the whole world together bees. And although you’re not doing that anymore, it’s something you wanted to experiment with. It’s something you said, Hey, I can, I can get a beehive going here. And I love that adventuresome experimental, like play with life a little bit, play with nature, learn, see if you can grow a fruit in a place that nobody says you can grow a fruit there. There’s something really neat about that. Why?

Emory Singletary (00:59:26):
Well like that adventure isn’t you you’ll have to ask your mother what she thinks.

Brad Singletary (00:59:36):
Oh my goodness. I’ve got a couple more questions here for you. One is, so you talked about some lessons that you learned from your father. What about from your wife’s father? I know you guys were married at a young age. You’ve lived, you know, when he was alive, you lived around him and there was lived live nearby, and there was a lot of involvement with him. And what about manhood lessons? Did you learn from your wife’s dad? Father-In-Law

Emory Singletary (01:00:07):
Well, he was a beekeeper and had a lot of bees and he would take his bees to, to the citrus groves and South Florida once a year or so, and leave him there for a while. And that would help the citrus growers. And it also helped him gather up some honey. So everybody was happy. So I was always kind of impressed with his entrepreneurship there. He also was an insurance executive and he owned, owned some land and, and so forth. And so he was a pretty good seller. He treated his kids pretty well. My father-in-law was as a man’s man, he might say he liked to hunt and fish and you had a boat and he would go out and catch mullet fish in a net that was kind of the the staple around here. If you could get a few melons and, and some swamp cabbage, man, you’re in hog heaven there, you know? And so he was a supplier of some of that.

Brad Singletary (01:01:27):
I’m going to ask you one last question here, as we wrap this up, we may need to do another, another episode with you at some point, because I think there’s just so many topics that I would love to hear more about from you personally, but I think other men could learn from that too. But if you could summarize a few things that you want, your sons and grandsons and now great grandsons to know about being a man, what is that?

Emory Singletary (01:01:52):
I think the biggest thing is just if my children are honest, true, or trusted, and they have a relationship with God that’s reflected by their lives, that would be, that would be worthwhile. That would be something I would wish for them. Of course, I’d also like to see them have a good family life that I might see them employed and work that is important. I’d like to see them

Speaker 6 (01:02:20):
In a happy home relationship with the posterity that that makes him as proud as as I am a vine. And I am, I love my tribe, my kids, I love my wife. I, I want to be everything I can be for her. And hopefully make some examples for my kids. I’m very error prone sometimes in my relationships. I, I hope to gradually work all that out before I croak. And I’m sure that there’s one thing that I, I don’t go around. I don’t wear my religion on my sleeve, but there’s one thing that I really, really hope is true about most religions that is forgiveness by a loving God. And that, that whenever I go on to meet pain and on earth, that I’ll be, I’ll be able to have some reward. It won’t be because I’ve earned it necessarily, but because I’ve came down on him to make up the difference.

Speaker 6 (01:03:45):
And I’m hoping that that’s what happened. I’m very aware these days about things I do wrong about mistakes I made and I strive to overcome them and be a better man. I think that if all of my kids, if all of my people that observe me from time to time and pay attention to, to me and my teachings, if they, if they to get anything, anything from all this discussion, it would be that, that we hopefully will all love one another and do what is right. And if that’s the case, this would be a very happy existence. And that’s what I,

Brad Singletary (01:04:43):
Well, thank you so much for your time. It’s been too long since you and I have talked and here we were here about an hour and a half, just talking about meaningful things in life. You know, one of the things that we teach men that they should do is have other good men around them. And that may be friends that may be family members. I happen to have a very good father. I know not everyone has that. Some don’t have a person. They could call dad at all. Some fathers weren’t present or maybe have passed on. If you, if your dad is talk to him and ask him questions, I remember feeling very humble as a probably 18 or 19 year old. And I took a drive of my dad and we had a, probably an hour long drive somewhere. And I said, teach me.

Brad Singletary (01:05:31):
And I just want him to teach me some things. And I haven’t always been that humble and interested in what he had to share. But as you can see here, here’s a person who’s lived three quarters of a century. He’s done all kinds of different things and met all kinds of people and has experienced wins and losses. And he can share some things with me. Same is true with my brothers. I have four, three, excuse me, three very capable brothers. And they’ve had to punch me in the mouth before. Sometimes literally, sometimes it’s it’s critique. And if I’m open to that, that’s what helps me be a better man. But I’ve got to tell the truth about what I’m doing and who I am and the mistakes that I’m making. And some of the best feedback I’ve ever gotten have come from my father, my uncles, my grandfather, my brothers, and now my friends here locally that have more access to in contact with you, need men in your life.

Brad Singletary (01:06:31):
And they’re all around you. If you don’t have a father figure that you can trust in and that you can learn from, I can bet you there’s a neighbor. I can bet you there’s a man in your church. I can bet you there’s a person somewhere in your circle who can share some wisdom with you. We need that. And that is how humans have survived all these centuries and all these thousands of years is learning from other people. What not to do. I appreciate my time here with my dad. Hey, hope you all have a happy father’s day, hoping to get this episode published before then, appreciate you being with us. Appreciate your trying to alpha up until next time. Take care of yourselves and find some good men around you that you can lean on and find some other men who need to lean on you.

Brad Singletary (01:07:26):
Take care of brothers. We’ll see you soon. Hey, thanks for listening to another episode of the alpha corm show. We believe that men changed their lives by engaging with a tribe to improve their actions, attitudes, and attributes. You can check out the show notes on our website at alphaquorum.com. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. And please leave us a rating and review wherever you listen to our show. Hey, this is a podcast not therapy. So even though we may feature professionals on the show, this is not intended as therapeutic advice. If you need someone to talk to please reach out to us and we can get you pointed in the right direction until next time

Speaker 3 (01:08:10):
Gentlemen, you are the alpha.

Brad Singletary (01:08:14):
Yes, the alpha quorum.

 

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Whipped Cream: How to Validate Your Partner

EPISODE 58

whipped cream

how to validate your partner

ALPHA SHOT: One-minute Sample

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058:

WHIPPED CREAM

HOW TO VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER

Validation.  In its simplest form, it’s recognizing your spouse or partner.  When you validate her, you see her – you get it.  That’s what she wants and needs from you.  Today, we’re going to talk about what validation is, how you can provide this need to your partner, and how being a high-value man is the ultimate validation. 

Questions to be answered today:

  1. What is validation, and why do we need to validate our partners?
  2. What is the ultimate source of validation in a relationship with a woman?
  3. How and when should I validate my partner?
  4. Do you know your partner and what kind of validation she needs from you?

What is validation?

  • Direct feedback – you see the actions and contributions
  • Acceptance for who she is.  Her thoughts/feelings are valid.
  • being with her without judging her

What validation is not ?

  • You don’t have to agree or accept her ideas as your own.
  • You don’t have to give up your ideas to accommodate her.
  • Not correcting her if you perceive faulty logic (just being emotional) (invalidation)

Why do we need to validate our partner?

  • Validation elicits participation – promotes communication, intimacy (better sex)
  • Let’s your partner know you are engaged (Red 9) and on the same page
  • Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – validation is a part of esteem, this makes her feel protected, less isolated, less vulnerable, and safe.

You!  An Alpha is a high-value man.

  • You are a leader- the kind of man she’s proud to be with.  Be a WIN for her.
  • High-value validation- it feels good when someone at work notices your contributions, but when the big boss notices you, it’s on a whole other level.
  • You meet and exceed her expectations – you get it.

How does being a high-value man validate her?

  • Not reactive, you’re in control (exactly what she needs when she needs validation)
  • Honest with her when you need to be (this adds value to your validation, she knows you won’t just patronize her, your talk isn’t cheap, it’s genuine)
  • You being with her is social proof that she’s a high-value woman.

Your self-validation makes you a high-value man.

  • When you validate yourself, you lead by example.  The stronger influence you have in her life, the more she will mimic you (follow your lead through mirroring)
  • Living by Red 9 principles makes you a high-value man
  • An Alpha is balanced, he keeps her inspired, his words matter because he lives up to his ideals (he has validity).

Sincerity

  • Don’t be disingenuous.  That will just make her suspicious (does he just want to get laid)
  • Be consistent.  Consistency will prove your authenticity.
  • Be truthful, say what you see.

Other tenets of validation

  • Be present, paying attention, not multi-tasking, really listening.
  • Acceptance – there is no right or wrong, no judgment, no fixing

When do you validate her?

  • Good to be consistent, but don’t make it something you check off a list each day, reserve it to when needed so it remains genuine.
  • When she’s not expecting it, be engaged enough to notice any changes in mood.
  • Especially during a bad/stressful day, be discerning.

 

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Brad Singletary (00:00:02):
Validation

Brad Singletary (00:00:05):
In its simplest form, it is recognizing your spouse or partner. When you validate her, you see her get it.

Brad Singletary (00:00:18):
That’s what she wants and needs from you. Today we’re going to talk about what validation is, how you can provide this need to your partner and how being a high value man is the ultimate validation.

Brad Singletary (00:01:09):
Welcome back to the alpha quorum show. Brad Singletary here with my buddy taco. Mike, welcome everyone. Today we’re going to be talking about validation and what it is and why do we need to validate our partners? What is the ultimate source of validation in a relationship with a woman? How and when should you validate your partner and do you know your partner well enough and know what kind of validation she needs from you. I think this is an important topic because actually I had a conversation with my office mate here, Sherry ho, who talked about the need for men to validate their partners in so many, literally say, maybe the wife says, I just need you to validate me and something that she’s heard and I can share that I’ve had the same experiences I’ve worked with men is I don’t know how, I don’t know what that means.

Brad Singletary (00:02:01):
And so that’s why we decided on this topic today about validation. So first of all, I want to talk about what validation is and what it is not maybe the opposite of validation. So generally I think validation means to accept, right? Would you say validation means to accept someone? Yeah. When we’ve talked about the validation, I was thinking like validate your parking. It’s where you go and you get something in return for the C, you know you need a parking spot, they give you a piece of paper, they stamp it like you’re approved, you can do this thing. You’re validated. Yes. That happens here a lot here in Vegas with the casinos. You go to the buffet. But you’re not there to gamble. But if you parked in their parking garage, they want to say this is good, you can take this and get your, get your parking money back or whatever because you, you ate at our establishment.

Brad Singletary (00:02:48):
So I like that. I like that visual of validating a parking pass. So validation is acceptance for who she is just generally. So we want to talk about this from two perspectives. One is the big picture view of her as a person, as your partner, as your wife, your girlfriend, to accept who she is, her thoughts and feelings are valid. And I’m also just being with her without judgment. So many problems I think are created in conversation and in relationships in general by judgment and the shooting on people that a person should be this way or shouldn’t be that way. And so let’s really dig in here to about validation. So Mike, in general, what would you say is the purpose of validation? Or what is it to validate?

Mike Spurgin (00:03:40):
It just sounds, everything you just described there just sounds like unconditional love when you’re with this person, you’re in this relationship and you just accept the reality that they are who they are. And some of it, I think unconditional love is this thing, to me anyway that says, look, you you’re a contradiction. You’re both good and bad. You’re both, you know, up, up category and down category. You’re all of it. You’re a hot mess. You’re, you’re you’re put together, you’re all of these things at the same time and it’s all okay. It’s perfectly okay and I’m fine with you being all those things. I love you in spite of that. And I accept you in spite of all that, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to roll over and take it. I’m not going to take everything that you are as a person. There might be some pushback. I might need to give you some correction, but as far as like your place in your role in my life, it’s there. I’ve, you know, I validate here, stamp your ticket, your parking ticket, like you’re approved. You can be in my life. You’re, you’re good. It’s acceptable. So when I think about all those attributes of, of, you know, validating the other person that you just described to me, it just rings of, of unconditional love. That’s basically the tagline I would put on that.

Brad Singletary (00:04:52):
So it means that your basic nature is good. Her basic nature is good. I see people in arguments all the time and I have to slow the guy down and just say, hold on a minute bro. Hold on. Slow your roll. What is this? Who is this person to you? Who is this person? Because the way you’re sounding is that she’s an idiot. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. You’re older than her and so you’ve got it figured out and that she’s being ridiculous and irrational and emotional and there’s all this picking her apart as if she’s your worst enemy. So I like what you’re saying about unconditional love that’s acceptance and is not based on any condition of her behavior. If she becomes emotional or erratic or somehow doesn’t behave in your design for how she should be, a validation says that’s okay with me too. And I’m okay. When you have bad days and I’m okay with you, no matter where you, where you land

Mike Spurgin (00:05:49):
Here today, and that the reality is is it needs to be both ways. Because if I’m going to extend that grace to you, then I really need to have that extended to me, but here’s a set of complications that happen. Then I might form some expectations that say, I’m giving you this thing, you need to give it exactly back to me the way I give it to you. Like I need you to a hundred percent whatever I give you, I need that exactly. Reciprocated back. And then so there’s that slippery slope of expectations of the reciprocation and then resentments if and when it doesn’t happen that way. So all of these things are beautiful. We’re talking about them in the abstract and it’s really beautiful. If you’ve got two people that are validating each other, accepting each other, unconditional love, like these are all these high watermarks of, of idealist, idealism in this relationship.

Mike Spurgin (00:06:37):
The truth of any of our relationships is are they’re far from this. They don’t do this, they don’t look like this. So maybe this conversation is to try to help us, me and you maybe me, me especially understand that the, the tools and resources and validation, it’s a one way street. That is to say I need to give it whether or not I receive it and I need to have the well deep enough that I can keep scooping the bucket, keep bringing the water up. And if I get a little bit of it, then I’m not going to let it go to my head. I’m not gonna let it go to my ego. And then if it doesn’t happen, I’m not going to drop to anger and resentment either. So I just wanted to book, stop this and say these are great principles and we would hope that all relationships have these and are living by these. But the truth of the matter is you may be in a really one sided relationship where you’re, you are hoping to validate your partner and they’re not giving it back.

Brad Singletary (00:07:28):
Yeah. This can’t be a transaction. This is not like, you know, you’re down at the auto parts store and you come with a hundred dollars and they give you some, some junk, you know, material that that isn’t what is supposed to be. This can’t be a give and take. I’m only giving you this so that I can receive something back that just simply doesn’t work. So let’s, let’s talk for a second about what validation is not. What is, what is the opposite, may be a validation. I think some thoughts that I have about what validation isn’t. It isn’t that you always agree, it isn’t that you accept her ideas as your own or that you necessarily, it doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own ideas in order to accept hers. You don’t have to, you can accommodate her without replacing your own perspective and you don’t have to correct her if you perceive some faulty logic, you know, you feel like she’s just being emotional. That is invalidation. If you say calm down, settle down. We’re going to talk more about some of that more specifically later, but what is the opposite of validation?

Mike Spurgin (00:08:38):
I turned to this sores, man, here’s some, here’s some of the antonyms of it. These a lot of times when we’re talking about, you know, this concept, sometimes these are abstracts and they hard for me to get my head wrapped around them. But if I look at what the opposite words are, so the opposite of validate is to contradict, denied, disagree, be disagreeable, that’s to invalidate someone to not validate them. Disallowed, disapprove, discredit, oppose, refuse, reject, fight against repudiate, veto. These are all words that just veto. It’s like that’s a no, no, sorry. Yeah. And Oh, it’s not happening. And w you know, when we do that to our partner, we’re just basically pissing on them. We’re like, you don’t count. I don’t care. Screw you. These are just like, those are sort of flipped ways of just sort of acknowledging like, what is invalidations F you? That’s what, that’s what it is. I think

Brad Singletary (00:09:32):
It’s, we still have to have the right to disagree and maybe sometimes to say no. I talk, I’ve talked before about the fact that I believe the man should be the 51% leader. I just think that’s kind of how it works best from what I’ve seen as I worked with couples that someone has to kind of have the final decision. Maybe some things need to be vetoed. But in general, in a broad spectrum, you’re not going to veto this person’s character or worth as a, as a woman your partner can not be seen as less than you. What were some of those other words? Reject, man, there’s just so much rejection that’s people come into my office because one or the other of them may be, that’s, that is always what one of them feels. I feel rejected by the other. Yeah. From whatever behavior or whatever action that they’ve done. Whatever’s going on or not going on, it’s a matter of not being accepted and instead rejected. And that all falls under this word that we’re talking about validation. So why should we validate our partner? What is the benefit to that? Not that we’re doing this again for, for our own gain, but what’s good about validating? Why is that an important thing?

Mike Spurgin (00:10:46):
So basically down we’re just talking about positive. To me it feels like positivity versus negativity. How can I find charitable thoughts, charitable beliefs. And then I like signal out, not single out, but like identify and find out and tease out in my partner’s behaviors and thoughts and they were running their life. Things that are worthy, things that I can appreciate about them because none of us, again, none of us are all good and none of us are all bad. And so it’s not true that I could look at everything my spouse does and say I love it all, love it all baby, every single moment of every day you make me so happy and I’m just super stoked about all, like all of it. That’s just not true. And it’s Pollyanna to even think that you could get in that state that’s such that like romantic infatuation state.

Mike Spurgin (00:11:39):
You know, when you’re like dating and you meet somebody and you just like the whole, I’m in love. How long does that last? Yeah. And I don’t think she’s going to be very impressed with that either, cause she knows it’s not true too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the, a practitioner, a validation, someone who’s like really developed this into a, a high art for themselves really is they just have a very good filter. I think like the, the, the magic happens when you choose not to attack and invalidate something that probably on paper is worthy of it. You know what I mean? They do something and if their survey says attack right, and so you’d be, you’d be exonerated of that. But an artful practitioner of this doesn’t jump, doesn’t pounce. They, your spouse does something, knucklehead it or whatever, and you let it go. You give a grace, you give it a pass because you need that same, you’re going to need that tomorrow.

Mike Spurgin (00:12:34):
You’re going to need that. So you give them grace when they deserve it. And then when there is something that is commensurate to the validation, like th then something happens and then they’ve sort of been generous. They’ve been kind, they’ve done something that’s awesome. Whatever. They make a great dinner they were using. I’m using stereotypes. They, whatever, get the carwash, fill the car up with gas, put the kids to bed. All of the great things that, that our spouses do as just part of the normal routine. Right? Jump on that. So it’s, it’s about not pouncing on the stuff that is in that negative column, but then living and choosing to just pounce on the other stuff. And to spotlight that and to highlight that and to appreciate that and to validate that. That to me is how, how we practice that validation of our partner.

Brad Singletary (00:13:30):
I think one of the benefits of it is that it elicits participation. So if you’re validating, that means that you’re engaged. That’s one of those red nine principles that you’re present. You’re engaged in the moment. But it elicits participation from her. It promotes better communication and intimacy, closeness and even maybe translates into, into the you know, the sexual part of the family show. So from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, validation is a part of esteem. And that’s, that’s a neat, that’s a very important need that helps her feel protected if she feels esteem and feels that she is worthy. She’s going to feel less isolated, less vulnerable, feels more safe with you. And maybe in so many categories of everything that we do as men, what it is that she wants to feel safe. And so much of validation is making it feel safe, making it feel safe that she cries, making it feel safe, that she spent more money than she should. Making it feel okay that she’s just an imperfect human and you’re not there to chisel her out into a copy of yourself.

Mike Spurgin (00:14:40):
I’m going to ask you a question. You said most of the couples, maybe it was all the couples, everybody who comes in here, there’s some sort of this invalidation routine that’s happening that can turn into anger. Does it turn into like physical anger? Does it, like how, how does that ESCO, how does it escalate from like snubbing? So like invalidation to me that could be like that look, you know, that like cold, hairy eyes

Brad Singletary (00:15:05):
Where eyes your eyes, there’s so many going to sound some nonverbal stuff. Yep. That’s invalidation, right? Sure.

Mike Spurgin (00:15:13):
So being dismissive. That seems like it’s invalidation. Just just basically discounting dissing the other person. Right. How much do you see where like a couple is practicing that and then that turns into it goes from low level dissing to like aggressive dissing and then even to like full-scale war like this, this, the temperature of this thing continues to rise and rise and rise. I’m sure you see that all the time. What do couples do to sort of identify, recognize that’s happening and then undo that? That’s, that’s why they pay you the big bucks.

Brad Singletary (00:15:53):
So yeah, there is maybe a spectrum and it does come it, it does show up in small ways. Probably very soon in relationships. Just some, you know, not just disagreement.

Mike Spurgin (00:16:05):
Like is there any technique, like how does somebody just like, they wake up and like, shit, I’m just completely invalidating my partner through like this. I roll these little microaggressions. Like doesn’t that seem like,

Brad Singletary (00:16:18):
Yeah, I like that word. Microaggression. So what I like to do is have them role play so they actually become each other and portray the exact kind of non-verbals and whatever. So if there’s no awareness of what they’re doing to see the other person kind of acting out and it gets really funny and they just start laughing so hard, they’re crying and it really turns it into a positive experience where they say, Oh, I had no idea I was being that way and it’s safe when I do that here because it, you know, so many times we try to mock the other person so my wife tries to talk in a deep voice and like when she’s doing it to you and it’s just like, Oh that gets under my, that’s pretty invalidating care hub just so you in case you’re listening anyway. So to to role play that with each other. That’s one of the things I do to help them see where that microaggression, I like that term

Mike Spurgin (00:17:05):
But okay. So if you’re accusing her of being invalidating you to like sort of mock you with that voice, all she’s doing is like echoing that back at you. Like that’s what she sees is you just like stomping around with her.

Brad Singletary (00:17:17):
Is that should be an indicator. Yes. Do you ever fell? Many couples? Do you ever have to take a video camera and put it up? No, but that is definitely something that I want to do, I think would be very valuable for people to see because they, you know, I don’t have to get releases and it’s a whole legal mess to try to do something like that, but I think it would be valuable for them to see. I love those. Like, I don’t know, shows like dr Phil or whatever where they, they camp out in their house for four weeks and they’ve got recordings and look how you’re behaving toward toward this person. It’s is, yeah. So it’s very illustrative. It’s illuminating. Donating

Mike Spurgin (00:17:47):
To see that if you could, I

Brad Singletary (00:17:50):
Just, I’m really feeling the fact that to invalidate someone can be these little microaggressions. You know, we just, when we were talking about these little eye rolls, these little sounds that you make with your mouth, the way you like push your lips on, the person says something and you’re just basically saying again, you’re just like, you know, screw you. Really. That’s what you’re doing. You’re just like doing it in this, it’s now, these are all like fairly passive aggressive ways, but then I can see this thing amping and escalating over the years and over time until pretty soon you’re just like, she’s dismembered in the freezer. Like it gets to that point. Oh, that’s terrifying. It started out with just like those little looks it that escalated quickly. So the invalidation leads to the ultimate invalidation of like infidelity or violence and those things. It can get really ugly when you do that, when you’re invalidating your partner, you’re basically denying their worth to themselves and or for your own point of view.

Brad Singletary (00:18:50):
If you, if you can treat someone this way, even in small, subtle little interactions, if you can treat them in such a poor, disrespectful way, it’s making you believe that they’re unworthy of your respect. So just, it’s real. It’s so important. I’m so glad we’re talking about this and I hope men find this valuable. What about having emotional affairs, because isn’t that sort of, you’re looking for validation, is that a, is that sort of a driver where somebody’s at home? Okay. So let’s like create this little situation. My wife rolls me everything. Everything she says is that little disc, that little, you know, put down. But then I got this little honey at the office and I can’t do wrong. Like everything I do is gold. She laughs at all my jokes and her eye rolls are like those big floppy eyelashes, you know what I mean?

Brad Singletary (00:19:36):
Like her eye rolls or Oh, you’re so funny. You’re so great. That chick is like validating the hell out of me that’s pumping my ego. That’s got like my testosterone is going, all my juices are flowing because I’m getting like level 100 validation. Yeah. So serious. I’m working with a couple right now and actually the wife is the one who had, has had actually multiple emotional affairs. And while there’s never any excuse to do this stuff, her, her feeling, the background, the context is that even basic conversation about how is your day wasn’t happening. And so there’s no validation of just conversational check in about how are you doing? What, what happened? You know, what was your day like? And the answer was always good, you know, just no presence whatsoever. No engagement whatsoever. The man would say he had excuses because of work and that he was just tired.

Brad Singletary (00:20:32):
And I’m preoccupied, I’ve never been a talker. And so I can’t do that and it’s just garbage. And so now they’re looking at their whole marriage and family is really, the whole thing is on the line and it really comes down to no excuses for those kinds of affairs, but you can kind of understand why the hungry kid steals from the store. And so she was hungry for validation, found that typing to some dude on Reddit. And here we go. We were lightened up. These were lightened up the bulbs inside and it turned into some, some longstanding stuff that’s been very hurtful to him. So you’re right,

Mike Spurgin (00:21:09):
It’s just, it’s hard to under play under sell how important this stuff is. It does, it seems, I don’t want to say it seems trivial, but we’re just talking, you know, these are just words, words, salad, validation and all, whatever, all these little words we’re dropping here. But the realities are that this is like humans need, you know, don’t we have this Maslov’s hierarchy of needs? Don’t we have this instinctive need to be loved and isn’t this just essentially this vehicle that that communicates and it is literally communication. It’s, it’s using words and using these positive interactions to express and convey love in these little small moments. And when they’re not there, then the person receiving these little microaggressions is feeling hatred. They’re feeling the opposite of whatever, whatever is supposed to be there. You’re, I mean, you could, before we turn the lights off, you could say I love you, but 300 times during, before that moment you D you know, you, I rolled me, he put me down.

Mike Spurgin (00:22:10):
You like snickered at all my stuff. Kind of like some of the stuff you talked about. Whatever you say, whenever you say I love you, you’ve just invalidated that. You just told me you’re a liar, you’re a total liar. You say you love me. You showed none of that to me through small actions and behaviors. And I think that the hugest importance or on the smallest things, it’s, it’s helping me to see how critical these little tiny, it would be amazing to do this video and then to stop the film at that moment of like those dismissive looks and those eye rolls and then to print those all out and show the other person like, this is you, this is what I get, this, you love me. This is how you love me.

Brad Singletary (00:22:59):
There was a time in my own relationship where I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Much of that came from my previous relationship. You know, things that I brought into this, to this marriage and I could walk in the door and not even say anything or do anything. I walked in the door with anxiety and it will, that was, she could feel it. And w I wasn’t doing anything that, I don’t think there was any, you know, passive aggressive behavior. It was just, I walk in there feeling some type of way that she felt this aversion to and didn’t want to be around me. And I thought, Oh no, you don’t want to be around me. What’s going on here? And so I want to talk about validation of the woman like you as the validation for it. If we’re talking in a big picture sense, an alpha is a high value man.

Brad Singletary (00:23:56):
You’re a stud. You are someone that she can trust that she can count on, that she can lean on. You’ve got good vibes within yourself. In that moment, it was invalidating to her and those in that period of our relationship, it was invalidating to her because I was like scared all the time, just anxiety and fear. I finally got over that, but I treated her. Then I invalidated the second time, a double layer of that by criticizing her reaction to me. And the truth was I was walking around weak and afraid and that does not make her feel safe. So she kind of would push me away. So if you’re an alpha, you’re a leader, you’re the kind of man that she’s proud to be with. And something that maybe part of our mission is that you have to be a leader of yourself first.

Brad Singletary (00:24:44):
You know, yes, lead your family, lead in the job, leading your community, but you’ve gotta be a win for her. You gotta be something that she’s proud of. You gotta be someone that she can respect either trophy, husband. Yeah, right. Be the trophy husband. It feels good when, you know, say someone at work notices you. It feels good to be, to have that recognized and celebrated other people give you a Pat on the back or you know, high five. But when the big boss notices, it’s on a whole nother level. So you’re the big boss and you better be a boss, meaning have yourself under control that you, you are on a path that can be respected. What do you think about this idea that you being a high value man, you being an alpha in general validates her because she says, Hey, check out my dude.

Mike Spurgin (00:25:37):
Yeah. So she wants you to alpha up. She wants to like be on your arm. There was a funny this may, this may fit into this. So I on Instagram done the feed the other day. There was this picture that somebody had posted and it was this kind of a Fabio looking dude and then there was a chick with them and I don’t think it was Fabio and I don’t know who the woman was, but these, this couple was together and the person who posted this was just sort of like this like exclamation point. Like this is where it was at. And I think that the visualization that she was trying to convey was like, doesn’t every chick want to have a dude who is like sharp and turned out and like put together and this would be like that high level alpha dude.

Mike Spurgin (00:26:22):
I don’t know. It just represented in a picture. This is just a photograph. But I think what this, what this message was was like I the, from the woman’s perspective, I want to be with somebody who makes me feel like a million bucks. Like this guy, you just, the way his look in his eye, you know, the thought was like she w all those words you said or like felt safe with this guy. She felt like protected. She felt like, like this was a safe place to be with this guy. Sort of like the lion and the lioness like together. What a partnership, what a team. Like. They’re unstoppable. And if a woman isn’t what the lion she’s, you know, like with the little kitty cat that doesn’t seem like she’s got a Ray doesn’t fit and she’s got to raise her Cubs, right? She wants to be, she, she needs a family, she needs the cave, she needs all of those things that’s wired in her DNA.

Mike Spurgin (00:27:15):
And if you’re not going to provide that and you can’t provide that, then she doesn’t feel safe. And then in her, in her vulnerability, she might be passively aggressing aggressively attacking you and somehow in a really hamfisted terrible way, what she’s trying to do is like pump you up and push you up and it’s, it’s a, it’s a really terrible way to do this, but you can almost give her a pass and say, I kind of understand why you’re treating him like he’s a piece of garbage cause he’s kind of failing you. Like he’s failing you. That guy is not coming through for you. He’s not alpha for you.

Brad Singletary (00:27:51):
A simple visual that we can all relate to with that. Maybe you’re in the mall and you see like this super ugly, nasty looking guy with this super hot woman with him and we think, Whoa, what is, what is she doing with him? You know, we kind of have, it’s like there’s some, there’s not a match. So if you’re a high value man, that’s kind of proof. That’s proof to her that she’s a high value woman. That’s great validation. I think, you know if you’re in control of yourself and you’re not reactive, that’s something I think most men have a hard time dealing with emotion and things like her reactivity. We then just continue the cycle around and around because we’re reacting to that in a way anyway. We’re coming back down to the, to the micro level. But in general, if you’re an alpha, that’s the validating to her.

Mike Spurgin (00:28:39):
So have you ever had a couple who the wife was very passive aggressive and dismissive of the husband and then the husbands sort of woke up, got his shit together, figured stuff out, sort of became the leader in the home. And then without really with the wife, maybe not doing a whole lot, just sort of, she sort of came around like her attitude shifted. Things changed just because his dad

Brad Singletary (00:29:03):
To changed. Yeah. He becomes the example. You lead with example and she responds I think by some like mirroring. If you’re the leader and you show that you can improve that. I see that all the time. The man starts to eat better. She buys different groceries and now she’s eating better. Just as a, as a dumb example maybe, but for sure you lead out with that you’re balanced and you keep her inspired.

Mike Spurgin (00:29:31):
Are we saying if your relationship, this is not a generic statement that’s going to fit everything, but in some instances, if your relationship sucks and your wife is very dismissive

Brad Singletary (00:29:42):
Of you, it’s your fault speaking to the guy, I would say yes. Yeah. Have you ever had that conversation with anybody and they just like, I can, I can perceive like the rage back at you. Yeah. They don’t see it as fair. They’re, they’re in that position because they lack awareness anyway. Maybe they’re in that situation because they lack empathy anyway and they’re defensive and they don’t want it. They don’t want to change. Sadly. You know what? You know when men wake up so many times after the separation, after she cheated, after the divorce, after it’s maybe, maybe there’s enough time to save it, but I feel like so few men really wake up if they’re, if, if they have good insight and they’re, and they’re humble, they can kind of figure it out before it’s too late. But so many people, they get it right the second time they get it right after the devastation has already happened and they realize, yeah, I’m a jerk.

Brad Singletary (00:30:42):
I had a man in my office. Yeah, today it was today’s Thursday. We’re recording on Thursday, but, and I had to basically tell him this very thing. He starts to cry and he says, I think I just need to believe that I need to. I need to believe it until I believe it, that I have to change and I have to be better. So it can’t just be about talk. This has to be a genuine leveling up for yourself. So this can’t just be about talk. You have to be balanced and your words begin to matter because you start living up to ideals and you’re living a principle centered life and that’s inspiring to her. So what about the guy who just doesn’t have a clue? I like what you just said. The guy who lives these principle centered ideas about his own living. Where does a guy go to find these?

Brad Singletary (00:31:36):
How does it dude who doesn’t have a framework? It’s a splits. Paint a word picture here. This is a guy who’s divorced. Parents didn’t have male role models in his life, didn’t participate in community Scouts or church or sports or whatever, where it was either not modeled to him or maybe it wasn’t even modeled in a very good way, but he doesn’t have these foundations to be that kind of guy. He doesn’t even understand what that looks like. He’s got media, TV, whatever, all that stuff. Has bros there, his coaches. How does a guy who wants to train up, where’s he going to start? One place to start is by her, I call it the wife coach. If you listen to her, she’s probably already telling you. She’s probably already given you the feedback. She’s probably been telling you for years and maybe have dismissed it, maybe haven’t heard it.

Brad Singletary (00:32:31):
You’ve invalidated the whole thing and made excuses. Maybe start with her. I love the idea of try. We talk about this so much. You need strong men around you who are already trying to be better and are already, have reached someplace that you want to get to. You gotta go somewhere. You can tell on yourself and there’s so many books and resources out there, you know there’s therapy and there’s just all kinds of all kinds. When the, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Ooh, I like that. What about self-validation? So maybe we’re already talking that a little bit, but how do we validate her by understanding our own worth and our own value as a man, validating yourself, validates your partner. And if you think you’re just a worthless piece of garbage, there’s probably no chance that she’s going to have a lot of respect for you and admiration for you.

Brad Singletary (00:33:24):
So when you validate yourself, you lead by example, and the stronger influence you have in her life, the more she’s going to mimic that. So if you’re saying then, okay, so let’s go back. Thank you for talking about how when you would come home and you’ve like filled up with anxiety and then she would react against that and that would spiral you. Is this, this just snaking its tail? So she’s disrespecting you? Yes. Yeah. I was hurt, man. She would, she didn’t want anything to do with me. She disrespecting you because you were disrespectful. I don’t think that’s a word, but is it, is it true to say or fair to say that you didn’t respect yourself? You didn’t carry your head high, you, you slunk around hanging dog and then she just read that energy and was like, I don’t have an anchor.

Brad Singletary (00:34:11):
I don’t have a man here. Yeah. I was so insecure that that just kind of vibed off of me. I feel, I swear my wife has a clairvoyant or I don’t know the word, she can just read energy very well. It’s, it’s a curse. You know, it’s, it’s cool because she’s very sensitive. But if I come in feeling some insecurity and fear, it’s almost like, you know, dogs can sense fear horses and different animals. She, she knows when I’m not good with myself. Okay. And that makes her go, Oh, you’re gross. And then she has one of the thing to do with me and I go further into the insecurity. Just defeats itself. Yeah. So basically that I, that idea, like she’s disrespecting a wife may be this is, this is my Belinda. Some of these dudes, your wife may be disrespecting you because you don’t respect yourself and you have, there’s no other way that this, this thing could go down. You, it’s your fault. That’s right. You’re the leader, bro. It’s your fault. You’re the head of that. You’re the captain of the team and you’re not being a captain, right? Yeah. She, you’re one of the children. Yeah. You’re being, you’re a child, you’re childish. She’s tired of it. She’s over it. She’s worn out, she’s tired out. And that’s not sexy at all. It is not attractive. And so that’s like her, her eye rolls and her dismissing you is completely like valid. Right. I just validated that it, it’s not excusing it right,

Mike Spurgin (00:35:38):
Because she, now let’s, let’s poke a little hole on her though. Right? Okay. So we’re in one mind and we’re giving her an excuse to say like, we get it, baby, we get it while you’re doing that, but how does a woman alpha up and then how does she stop doing that? Because she’s got to realized that’s counterproductive. Well, she may also be looking for her value from, from him. You know, she, it happens naturally and maybe that’s what we’re trying to say. This is right or wrong. It happens. So she’s gonna pick up some sense of her own worth from you. But if she, if she wants to disconnect from that, she’s got to do the same thing. She’s got to look in the mirror. She’s got to love herself. She’s gotta be her own best friend. She’s got to be her own loving parent.

Mike Spurgin (00:36:22):
She’s got to be someone who appreciates herself more than anyone. So both, I think both need to do that. So both of them can alpha up. Both of them can do this and the wife could be doing this to the husband and the husband. He could grow some balls and he could steal up against it. Like he doesn’t have to take that and be offended by that just because he’s, he’s being weak. That’s okay. I mean, that could be a season in his life. The wife is reacting. She’s throwing that energy right back at him. So it’s his fault that he’s causing her to react like that. Here’s where it gets trippy, but it’s also his fault that that he takes offense by that and he’s pissed off by that. Like it’s all his fault. It’s all his fault, but if he can, here’s how he kind of stops the cycle by, you know, this is an alpha up move is to accept it and believe it.

Mike Spurgin (00:37:10):
Hear what she’s saying. I just think very few people are just mean-spirited in nature and they’re totally dogging on you when there’s nothing there. If there’s smoke, there’s fire, you know? I mean it’s like if she’s criticizing you and complaining about you, there’s probably something to it. Accept it and take it in and say, okay, that’s, that’s feedback. I want data. That’s education knowledge. I want to know when my gas tank is empty. I need to see that stuff and so you’re giving me an indicator that something’s wrong here. I’m going to, I’m going to check this, I’m gonna, I’m going to get myself right. It does. It does go both ways. She could alpha up and then she could, she could decide to not throw that back at him. She could find like what you just said, she could, she could choose to not get her worth out of him and then not choose to like need his validation need to be like pumped up by him told, you know, cause we’re going to get to some of these comments that are made it.

Mike Spurgin (00:38:03):
But some of these women you had these interactions with, they told you what they kind of like and want to, how they want to be treated when they’re being validated. But a woman could rise above that and choose to not need that. It’s nice to get it. It’s, it’s a nice little, you know, bit of frosting on top of the milkshake, a little little whipped cream. But she, she could get to the point where she doesn’t need to have that to, to have her self worth. And so both parties really are at fault if their relationship was like that. They’re both at fault. But I would say to the man, you’re the most at fault. You’re the most, you’re the most, you’re 51% at fault. That’s right. I like that.

Brad Singletary (00:38:48):
You asked earlier about where does a man go if he didn’t have the right example? All he has is, you know what’s out there in the media and these kind of superficial examples of masculinity or whatever. Where does he go if he wants to be a principle centered man? That’s one of the reasons we’re doing this. You guys, we just want to share information, things that we’ve learned by sad experience of failure. We’re just normal dudes here, but we, we’ve tried to identify some things that make a man a strong man. What makes an alpha, you know, and those red nine things. We talk about responsibility and resourcefulness and energy and just discipline. There’s so many of those principles there that if you read through some of those on our website, our other episodes, we talk about that too. There’s a, there’s a million models.

Brad Singletary (00:39:34):
There’s a million codes out there. There’s all kinds of things. You Google it. How to be a better man. That may be a start. If you don’t know, message me or Mike on social media, we’ll set you up. We’ll get you started. Because there’s, there’s plenty of resources out there. The red nine is one of those, I like how that all fits together for our kind of brand of masculinity. But there’s plenty of places for that. Let’s talk about how to do this. How to, so in the moment in the moment of need, she needs to be validated. How and when should I do that? What are some of the things that go along with you know, we’ve talked about big picture validation be a stud and she will feel good about herself and she’ll give you some love back. Although that can’t be the motivation, but how, and when do we validate

Mike Spurgin (00:40:26):
This is where a guy’s gotta like be looking, be paying attention and you know, one of these great little things you have in here, we’ll just jump maybe to the sec, this other little section here. If you’re not paying attention because you’re, you’re, you’re having this moment with your wife and then you’re on the phone, you know, you’re playing on your phone or you’re reading an email or you’re doing something or you don’t like put your hands calm, you don’t like stop yourself, settle yourself, and then focus and look and pay attention to what they’re saying, how they’re presenting to you, that throwing you cues, they’re giving you body language. They’re like seeing words to you. And if, if I am so preoccupied in my own head, I’m just missing all that. And that’s like, again, maybe disrespectful. Like I’m dissing, I’m disrespecting the other person who’s standing right there in front of me. So to validate, I think to me the simple answer is pay attention,

Brad Singletary (00:41:17):
Pay attention. That’s great. I’m terrible with this where I may be doing something, my wife’s talking to me and I may even be trying to answer with these generic, canned, yeah, okay. Yeah. You know, and I’m just, I’m trying to do my thing that I’m doing and you’re trying to like rush, isn’t it? So like you’re rushing them through [inaudible] and she knows I’m not listening. So many times it’s, it’s hard. It’s breaks my heart to see her heartbroken where she just walks me, you’re not even listening, you know? Well, I’ll talk about it later. Ah, I’m just so ashamed of myself and then do that. So I like that. Be present, pay attention. I don’t know where I heard this, but someone talked about turn your shoulders toward the person. If you want to engage with them, face them face front, turn toward them. And that’s one way that kind of directs your body in their direction. Directs your attention toward them. And I liked that little just body movement, you know, that changed toward toward them.

Mike Spurgin (00:42:17):
I don’t know why I was thinking about this, but I’ve not really read much. Dale Carnegie and some of those types of speakers and presenters and I thought idea, you know, guys. But it seems to me like when you’re with somebody that you respect, they seem to like, I’m thinking of some people that I know in business and another is of their life and they, they behave in those ways. Like you know, somebody could walk into their office and they are like fully attentive towards that person or they’re in a group and somebody comes up and then ask them a question and I am thinking of this person and how I’ve witnessed them sort of like turn, shift, focus. Look at this person, have this full moment with them. Like there’s other people around, there’s other demands on their attention. But for that moment, for that new person that popped in, like, I’m all yours, it’s I’m, everything I’m about is like what you’re about. Let’s do this thing. Five seconds, 10 seconds, whatever. It goes pretty quick. And then that person goes away and now they’re redirected and refocused and fully on whatever this new thing is. And so it’s this really like maybe this is this, this concept of like being really attentive and like attentive in strength, being like strongly focused and strongly, thoughtfully attentive towards this other person that’s like respect, total respect, showing them respect full on.

Brad Singletary (00:43:38):
If you’re in the middle of something that you can not interrupt, have the courtesy to say, give me, give me just one minute and I will, I want to give you my full attention. Let me finish this up. I have some over at that. I had to press send and let me just get this out and I want to, I don’t wanna listen to you. Just be patient with me for one minute and then follow them and follow through on that. You really have to really have to follow through on that. So definitely something I know that,

Mike Spurgin (00:44:00):
That I could work on. I think what if, Hey, I’ve just had this quick idea. What if you just put a little 32nd shot clock, you know, the kids come and they like wants you to play with them or the wife or whatever. Somebody wants her attention. You’re like, just give me a 32nd on the shot clock. I gotta I gotta like drop this email, I gotta drop this thing. I gotta finish this out cause cause I’m giving this my attention, right? Like I’m focused here on this. Let me just wind this down and then I’m fully focused on you.

Brad Singletary (00:44:25):
Yeah, give them that same thing I hear so much about like video games. That’s man I got, we’re going to one. We’re going to have to do a whole episode on video games. It’s killing me when I hear about these guys that come home from work in a 10 hour shift and play five hours of video game, you deserve to be divorced. You deserve to be paying 29% of your income and child support. You deserve to get cheated on. You deserve not good things. If you’re sitting there playing soldier on a F, I’m just, I you, you’re fired. I don’t like, I just hate what video games is doing to men and I, and I get it. You need to escape. You need to do things. Maybe, you know, I’m sure I have my own forms of escapism and whatever, but it’s a particularly bad one. That one’s not very productive. And so I heard a wife the other day, she’s there, they’re pregnant with her fourth child. He works hard, but he comes home and to distress. He’s just playing a video game. As I turn it off, man. She’s just need your attention. She just needs your time. Just sit with, just watch TV with her. She doesn’t need a heavy conversation. So part of validation is being present, paying attention. Really actually listening.

Mike Spurgin (00:45:35):
Dude, that was pretty strong about the whole video game thing. You’re going to get some hate mail. I hope so. I hope so. Oh, so you want to be a

Brad Singletary (00:45:42):
Boy? Sorry. I know we can’t say that, but what about sincerity? You know, I think guys have kind of learned the robot language of, Oh, you look good. You know, or thank you. Or like you said, I love you before you go to bed and those kinds of things. It’s just emptiness. And something that I’ve found really helpful is when guys are specific and dramatic. So like, dang baby, what did you do? What are you wearing? You smell like, you smell like a bouquet of like wild flowers, you know? And it’s gotta be good. Just a little bit dramatic. So these are in compliments or whatever, but if you’re disingenuous, it just makes her suspicious, you know, she’ll think, ah, he just wants to get laid or whatever. And she just doesn’t trust that if it’s the same old thing, you always say, nice job, dinner’s good. Thanks for making the dinner. That means zero.

Mike Spurgin (00:46:37):
Oh, that is, that is some alpha stuff. So you’re like, throw an energy into it. You’re like got personality going on, you’re keeping it like up, energy up, playful, fun clapping, you know, just doing whatever, throwing a little spin on it. Little theatrical, like why not? She’s like, here, taste the soup babe. Taste the CPC Haute taste, take a taste of it and start breakdancing and just like flip like, Holy crap. Whoa. Blowing my mind. Yes dude, I did not, I never thought of that. It’s just,

Brad Singletary (00:47:08):
You know, and you don’t have to be, of course you’re not going to be fake about it, but you’re trying to say, I’m celebrating you in this moment. I, you’re, you’re special to me. And here you are. You, you, you’ve done this work. You’ve done this thing. You’re just showing up pretty. Or even if she doesn’t look pretty, but you can find something pretty about how she looks. Man, that just goes a long way to be sincere. Be consistent, you know, consistency. That, that’s, that’s what proves that it’s authentic. I mentioned this before, there was a probably a Gold’s gym sticker somewhere I saw one time and it said, if you want respect, be consistent. And so don’t just start showing up with the compliments when it’s, it’s, it’s that time in your season of, you know, this is when it’s time for you think you’re going to get laid that night, but be consistent in your positivity. Be truthful. Say what you see. Tell her, repeat it back to her. You know, and your eyelashes look so good today. What did you do? You did you? Wow. And just notice those things. So many women complain about, I walk in, I used to be a brunette today. It’s blonde and he didn’t even

Mike Spurgin (00:48:16):
The dim notice. Boom. Dang. If you remember nothing else from this one, this number, whatever number this is. Remember what Brad’s drop it right now cause this is gold. Pure gold. That’s awesome. Okay, so I mean basically Brad wrote a book right now and just dropped all this knowledge on you. Like I said, if there’s nothing else you take away and don’t remember anything else, blah, blah, blah, the rest of it, but just remember how to validate and like that really explosively fun way. You know? Isn’t that true how women are like F he makes me laugh. If you can, if you can throw a compliment and and get a laugh out of it at the same time. Holy crap, that’s money. That is money right there. That whole video game thing that you’re going to get some hate mail on that. I hope so that you’re going to, you’re going to have your tire slashed.

Mike Spurgin (00:49:03):
Okay. What about the idea of acceptance? Okay. We kind of started out, my thought was like, this is all about unconditional love. There is no right or wrong. There was no judgment. There was no fixing. How does validating somebody look like just letting them be who they are, but yet not giving in or letting it stay that way. I might be in a relationship that really needs some work. I’m going to accept that I’m going to be okay with that. I’m going to make choices that don’t continually undermine that, but yet I want to change it. So it’s this weird place of like it is what it is, but I’m not going to accept that forever. It is what it is today, but tomorrow I want it to look differently. How does a person who’s in a relationship with somebody else be both of those things at the same time

Brad Singletary (00:49:51):
For themselves or you mean they’re trying to influence the other person?

Mike Spurgin (00:49:55):
I think ultimately we’re all trying to influence other people in our lives, aren’t we? Like we all want, we all want us to be better, our relationships to be better.

Brad Singletary (00:50:03):
Yeah. Well, I think, I love your example from a couple episodes. Go about, you know, you’re the gardener. You got to create the conditions for that. I have one of my flaws as a person is that I, I’ve wanted in the past to change people and correct them and so, so to speak. You know, it changes people. You know who taught me this taco Mike, what changes people is love. He wants somebody to be better. You love them just the way they are unchanged. You find all the good and you just keep, you just keep giving it to them. You just keep telling them about what they are about the good that they are and you keep you keep feeding into that and their own self love will will help them change. So we, if you want to inspire someone first be the example and love them on change.

Brad Singletary (00:50:49):
I just think our job is not to correct our partner. You know, if they’re asking for feedback, go for it, shoot them straight. But so many times I think men are just, you use the word disagreeable before. They just want to find the fault in it. So much of that is a projection. Anyway. So Brad, something you’ve said before is you know, we talk about gauges, reading the gauges. How do you know how to validate her when her gauges are in a place that like she needs it, she’s ready for it and you need to, like, you need to jump in there in that moment. How do you pay attention to that? I think if you just know her, if you’ve been paying attention, you should know when she’s, when her energy is off. Maybe her mood has changed. There’s something different about her today.

Brad Singletary (00:51:33):
There’s been a stressful situation. One of the questions from the from the Gottman stuff about on the love maps is about what are their current stresses, you know, what are the, what is the, what are the hard things that they’re dealing with right now? And if you’re connected to your partner, you know what those hard things are. And so don’t forget just because you’ve been at work and now you’ve come home, don’t forget that when you left that morning or you last night, she was dealing with something, it still may be present. So if you’re discerning, you can read the, you can read those gauges. So her body language, her words, women are, you know, they’re great at giving hints and so you gotta be able to read that and believe she’s trying to communicate with me something. All behavior is a communication.

Brad Singletary (00:52:17):
So if she’s moping around, if she’s, if she’s sad or she’s acting different, or even if she’s snippy with you, that is communicating something. And so that may be a way for you to just respond to it by saying, Hey, I notice I noticed that you’ve just started with I notice. And that that gets you going in the right direction. You can put, put any fill anything in the blank. I noticed you seem a little down today. I noticed that you’re, you seem upset. What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it? That’s super validating. That’s money. And so Brad’s dropping that, that high dollar high value stuff here at the tail end. Earlier we asked some women earlier this week, I asked some women on social media for some help. I just said, Hey, we’re doing a podcast on how to validate women.

Brad Singletary (00:53:03):
And so we have some really awesome responses here and just wanted to share some of those with you. Some of these women actually are therapists, so they’re not only in partnerships, but they’re working with men and women in relationships. So interestingly the stuff that they, that they have shared. So the first one is my friend Carly Kramer. She says, I teach partners to ask women, do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it? I mean, that’s so huge because men believe they’re supposed to fix it. They just automatically do that. They assume they assume that’s what they’re doing. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it? Men are solution focused. And so that’s their default mode. So men need to know if, if that is not what is needed, you know, then you can pivot and just listen.

Brad Singletary (00:53:48):
Because women want to externally process their thoughts and feelings by talking. Men can interpret that talking as a call to action. You know, probably wrongly that this, they’re talking as a call to their own action, but sometimes it’s just they need to talk and process. That’s how they think is by talking. Carly also says also never capital letters. And I may never tell a woman to calm down physiologically she cannot, the adrenaline and cortisol are already pumping through her veins and she cannot bring it down quickly because you say, calm down. In fact, because she feels like an imp because that feels like an impossible feat to accomplish. It will actually make her more angry or upset or frustrated because now they feel like they can’t control their emotions. They’re making you upset. And so she encourages men to ask, how can I help this will fulfill the solution wired brain, you’re, you’re helping. And also help her feel like they’re, you know, like, like you’re on the same team. That you’re there to help. They love, they love that they, they want to be helped, but you just can’t start jumping in with solutions and well here’s, this is what you’re doing wrong. And of course you have a headache, you know, look at what your, you haven’t had water that those kinds of things aren’t or unhelpful.

Mike Spurgin (00:55:17):
Okay. So this one’s from Jamie. Jamie says, I agree with all the comments so far. This isn’t on that thread. I’m a talker. I know that I have to be mindful of how much to talk to not talk at times, but, but when I do, I appreciate when I’m listened to and when he’s engaged in compliments are definitely needed. Seriously. I don’t ever think that there can be too much of that sincere. However, of course she adds being able to share insecurities without telling me I shouldn’t say that or feel that way. The busy, the busy part of life can often lead to being too focused and getting tunnel vision. I love it when my husband does the simple things like passing by me in a room and just acknowledging I’m there by eye contact or a smile, maybe a wink, just something that says Hey, I see you. Versus just walking by without even looking over at me.

Brad Singletary (00:56:07):
I, I try to make it a point to, if I pass by my wife, I want to touch her. You know, usually it may be some kind of smack her butt, but sometimes I just, I just want to rush my arm and just like, Hey, I’m, I’m here. I see you. I see you there. It’s almost like if you’re in a tight space and you put your arm on the person so that you can pass by him. I like, I like this from Jamie. This is actually, some of you have had, we’ve seen you had Mike Olson on the show. This is his wife who said that. Oh, that’s good. So he’s smiling and making eye contact is good job, Mike props. The next one is Heidi. Anyway, she says for me, I just need him to listen and not try to fix it. I need to feel loved and cared for in the moment. As soon as he tries to fix it, somehow I feel completely alone and a lot of times it makes me feel like something wrong with me for feeling that way. Usually telling me some positive things about myself really helps and takes my mind off of whatever I was upset about.

Mike Spurgin (00:57:01):
That seems to be a theme growing here. Danielle says, for me, being sympathetic goes a long way. It’s okay. Is it a that as a man he doesn’t understand what I’m going through, but just a wow, that must be tough is what I need to hear that followed by. That’s why you’re so strong. Beautiful. Resilient helps. Every time

Brad Singletary (00:57:20):
Another woman said, being fully present, we’ve talked about that being fully present and not distracted by the game or his phone. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time and undivided attention. Listen to understand and not to respond. Acknowledge what she’s saying. Even if you disagree, being heard and understood is so important. Also show her you appreciate her. Don’t just say it, but show it. Often we as women don’t feel valued and appreciated. A little appreciation goes a long way to one. Andrea,

Mike Spurgin (00:57:53):
I enjoy my husband telling me how gorgeous C thinks I am, especially after 40. That matters. It’s also nice to hear. Thank you. And have him put his phone away during conversations.

Brad Singletary (00:58:02):
So Josie friend of mine also a therapist says nodding saying that’s interesting. Not giving advice unless you’re asked saying things like, that’s tough. Tell me more. I’m sorry you’re feeling blank. Eye contact when she’s talking. She said, sometimes women need to vent, they don’t need advice. The conversation can greatly improve your relationship.

Mike Spurgin (00:58:29):
Ashley. I a hundred percent agree with reflective listening. I’ve also told him that on some days I just need to hear, I understand what you’re dealing with. It sounds rough or something to that effect. We do it with our children. I think that practice can easily carry over. I understand you’re upset right now. Do you need me to just listen? Do you want me to help you solve your problem? I think opening with that helps them to know where to go from there. So if I want his opinion, he can validate my feelings by saying something like, I understand that’s frustrating or difficult. Maybe we could try to try it this way instead. Or if I just need him to listen, then he can say he understands and reply accordingly. A lot of times it’s just a simple nod of the head or a hug that could validate the whole thing as well. Avoid phrases like, well that’s just what happens or, right, so like will you, you deserve like what did you think was going to happen? What did you expect? Exactly.

Brad Singletary (00:59:22):
Okay. I can hear myself saying that a little bit too. That’s kind of rough or well, you’re just going to have to deal with that or, well, if you did it this way then, Oh, okay. That’s you want to, you want to like ruin everything. Do this. This is the invalidation model right here. I think this is super important and definitely goes both ways. Another big role validation, I think is a love language. I found that in my own marriage, love languages are basically tied into just about every aspect of marriage. That’s great. So knowing this is Ashley saying, if you know what she needs, you can validate her by giving that to her. So I want to move on here into knowing your partner and knowing what kind of validation she needs. Several different women. There were several different things, some simple compliments were enough.

Brad Singletary (01:00:10):
Others want to be seen as or recognized as having made a contribution. I think when it comes to feedback or attention, the more specific you are, we sometimes don’t have the language you almost may have to practice how to describe her beautiful face. If you say you look pretty a thousand times, it doesn’t mean a lot, but if you can get colorful work on how to say it in the South there’s a lot of little, I don’t know if it’s metaphor or simile or whatever, but they would say things like you’re as pretty as a speckled puppy. That’s a real, yeah, you’re pretty as a speckled puppy bear. It is. That kind of ties back to what you were saying earlier. Like drop it, drop the compliment, but like wrap that in a little, a little basket. But a flavor, a little bit of flavor, a little comedy, a little, little sassyness like that’s, that’s gold right there. Yeah. I just said sassy. That’s the episode. Shut it down.

Brad Singletary (01:01:08):
Another thought here is, is to notice what she takes pride in. She’s investing a lot of her time and energy and the things. She’s got a little project, she’s doing something with the kids. She’s made a cute little decoration for Easter or whatever. Notice that she’s put that that time and that was very validating. That gives her encouragement and makes her feel seen. Sometimes women will say things like, did you notice I cleaned the garage? Did you notice? Did you notice I held your truck? That’s a setup that she’s waiting for the ball to get spiked, but that just says she needs that recognition. I think anything that doesn’t get recognized leaves us anything we’re not paying attention to, we lose it. That’s the bottom line. You’re not paying attention to the, to the, to the maintenance on your vehicle. You’re going to lose the ability of your vehicle to operate.

Brad Singletary (01:01:58):
You don’t pay attention to the, to the lawn. And that it needs water in this heat, you’re going to lose it. You don’t pay attention to your wife, you’re going to lose her boom emotionally or in reality. Oh will be gone. You got to recognize what you want to keep. Mike dropped one good example, and we’re going to wrap this up here soon, but one good example that I’ve heard of it was actually in my men’s group and a guy was talking about, his woman was you know, she said, I’m fine. He said, how you doing? She said, I’m fine. And he didn’t know what to say. One of the other guys in the group, a great illustration of why you need to try it. One of the other guys in groups said, here, say this. She says, I’m fine. He’s asking about how she’s doing with the corn team.

Brad Singletary (01:02:44):
She said, I’m fine. And one of the guys coached him a little bit and he said here to say this babe, I’m not even fine. And it sure feels like you aren’t fine. So if you want to talk about anything, I’m here for it. I’ll listen to you and respect whatever you have to say. So this may be tough if she has some problem with you, but don’t be defensive and just let her vent, whatever the thing may be. Another one that I really like is just, you’re right, if you start with your right and then tell her why she’s right. You’re right. I get it. That guy was such a jerk. You know, you’re right. Your boss is really, he is condescending. Just if you agree with it and, and I don’t mean that you’re always going to agree, but if you can find her truth in it and validating means, remember we started the episode with validated means it’s acceptable, right?

Brad Singletary (01:03:40):
If I thought someone saw me that way, I would be hurt too. So share some empathy with it. Assume that what her experience is that what she’s describing as her experiences is real. Just accepting that wherever she’s coming from, it’s valuable. It’s legit. So just wrap it up here. I want to, I want to close out with again, what I think is your most powerful way to validate your woman. And that is to check who you are, that you validate yourself. You’re not reacting to her behavior, you accept who she is. One of the red nine principles is responsibility, and part of that is that you accept things that you cannot change. Well, you cannot change her. She needs to be accepted, and when you validate her, it builds trust. It builds empathy, it builds intimacy. All of that leads to a better relationship and satisfaction for both of you.

Brad Singletary (01:04:36):
Remember, if you’re an alpha, you’re a leader, you’re the leader of your relationship. If things need to improve, you improve. Validation is one way that you can do that. If you need some help, get with us. If you need some direction about how you can begin to heal this part of your connection with your, with your spouse or partner, let us know. We’ll get you set up. We’ll catch you again soon. Hey, thanks for listening to another episode of the alpha show. We believe that men changed their lives by engaging with a tribe to improve their actions, attitudes, and attributes. You can check out the show notes on our website alphaquorum.com follow us on Instagram and Facebook, and please leave us rating and review wherever you listen to our show. Hey, this is a podcast, not therapy. So even though we may feature professionals on the show, this is not intended as therapeutic advice. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to us and we can get you pointed in the right direction. Until next time, gentlemen.

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Disconnection: It’s Not a New Problem

Disconnection: It’s Not a New Problem

Disconnection: It’s Not a New Problem

BRAD SINGLETARY, LCSW

Founder, Producer, Host, Men's Coach

BRAD SINGLETARY, LCSW

Founder, Producer, Host, Men's Coach

He was slammed all day and went without lunch again. The 2-day-old leftovers in his company fridge weren’t very appetizing anyway, but he sure was hungry now. As he walked by his wife, he gave her a kiss and could see she was scrolling through her Facebook feed, so he sat down across from her at the table and took out his own phone.⁣

She looked up after she finished reading an article her sister posted, but her husband was already looking down at his phone. She’d been on her phone too, so she didn’t resent him for it. Much of the time they spent together, they were on their devices – everyone was. She dismissed her thoughts, and looked back down at her feed.⁣

Edward Hopper’s 1932, Room in New York, depicts a similar scene. He’s engrossed in his newspaper, she’s playing a melancholy, one-note song. The disconnection is palpable to the viewer outside their city brownstone.⁣

Fast-forward nearly a century, and the scene has changed, but the disconnection is still there. Instead of a newspaper, it’s a smart phone. Instead of the viewer on the street, it’s the followers and friends on social media. It seems everyone has a highlight reel for the world to view, but if it were honest, it would show the couples looking away, distracted, and disconnected.⁣

Dudes are escaping. It’s not the newspaper anymore – it’s gaming, porn, work obligations, and the list goes on. It’s easier to connect to an online gaming partner 5,000 miles away than it is to connect with our real-life partner sitting 3 feet away. Why?⁣

Science tells us, when we are depleted cognitively, we give up more quickly. By the time we have time, we’re too tired to give much effort. It’s not a coincidence that couples spend their last waking hours in front of the TV before bed. They’re too tired and cognitively depleted to do anything else.⁣

What can you do to take back control and connect? Prioritize your time.Don’t over obligate yourself and try to create white space so you have the energy to connect with your partner. An Alpha takes responsibility. An Alpha stays engaged. Make the time to Alpha up👊💪

episode041

EPISODE 41

LET HIM SCRATCH IT

WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN, PT 2

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041:

LET HIM SCRATCH IT

WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN, PART 2

In part two of a two-part series for WOMEN about how to understand men, we discuss some feedback from the previous episode (040 Bring the Honey).  Taco Mike teaches how men ‘doing their part’ isn’t necessarily an aphrodisiac, but failing to do your part at home during the day can definitely kill her mood for ‘business-time’ at night. 

We discuss Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, how men aren’t mind-readers, and the importance of men having toys and the need for a masculine tribe of supportive men who challenge them to tell the truth and who tell THEM the truth.  

This is truly one of our best episodes yet, on all dimensions, and we speak to both men AND women about the experience of being a man.   

Derik ends the show with a promise to record the next show without his shirt on if we can get 10 comments on our Facebook page about this episode.  Twenty ratings and reviews on Apple Podcasts or iTunes demands Derik’s follow-through on his commitment to do the next show with no pants on!  

With Derik’s signature style of humor, Brad’s clinical expertise working with men and women in a counseling setting, and Mike’s experience as a recovery coach, the Alpha Quorum comes through BIG-TIME with part two of this one-of-a-kind series about how women can best understand some of the basic needs and perspectives of men.  

***This is an adult conversation most suitable for adults. 

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